Need courage to ask DH to separate

[Needyourhelp123]

I've been married for nearly 18 years. My DH and I were madly in love when we married, or so I thought; then, overnight he seemed to fall out of love with me. Suddenly he found many things about me irritating, and he stopped wanting any intimacy, let alone sex. I stuck around, mainly because I didn't want to go back to being permanently single, and I was in my mid-30s so it didn't seem like a great time to be looking for a partner. I've never had an affair. We have 2 DD (10 and 13), and since having them I've felt I can't leave. My DH is a very good father - much more affectionate and engaged with the DDs than he is with me. I've always planned to leave him but now I'm over 50 and really desperate to. I'm still in good shape, and I just want someone to desire me/appreciate me. Could anyone give me some motivating words, coz I can't bear the thought that I'm going to disrupt my girls' lives just to be selfish. Our marriage is a poor role model though, which is the only thought keeping me on course to do this. Any help gratefully received!

You don't "ask" him to separate, you tell him you're ending things.

First of all, you need to work out your finances and consider housing and income. Do you own the property you all live in? Is it paid off? What's your income like?

He's not a good Father if he doesn't treat the girls' Mother well though OP.

Thanks so much FortunesFave, I hadn't thought of it that way (as in, a good father should treat me better). Finances are a slight issue in that I don't currently have any income, and we have a mortgage. When I leave, he'll need to pay for a flat for whichever of us moves out. I'm hoping he'll be nice about it for the sake of the girls, but I'm worried he'll be horrible and try and turn them against me. I don't feel I should stay just because I don't have a job (I'm actively looking). I told him I wanted us to have a sex life about 9 months ago and he said he wasn't that bothered. I'd rather be single than in this relationship but I feel so torn/trapped.

Work as though he's not going to pay for anything for you OP. Many men just turn unkind when a breakup happens. If the house is sold, you will be entitled to a share of it even if you haven't worked for a while....but as for him paying for a flat for you or the mortgage in full, well it's unlikely.

You need to find a job...that way you can pay rent. How much is the house worth? If you sold it I mean...what would you have left over?

He's unlikely to be co-operative, because working with you to end the marriage will mean he loses his free housekeeper.

Are you worried he’s going to frame things like you are being selfish for wanting a sex life? Or you are framing it that way yourself? Because if so, honestly it’s about more than that isn’t it? It’s about wanting a true partner in life, someone who will show you mutual love and support, not someone who just can’t be bothered with all of that and treats you as an irritation.

I do think though that maybe it would be wise to get a job first before splitting so you can feel in a more empowered place.

OP - it’s easy to say - I’d rather be single than in this relationship when you have a roof over your head and things are settled.
But given that you have kids that still need their parents - I think you need to plan first and act second.

He will not be nice once you push for divorce. He will feel angry at having to spilt family assets. And he will not just move to a small flat while you keep the family home. Like most men who support SAHMs - he’ll feel you are taking/splitting his hard earned assets.

And that will set out a period of stress while you and him hash out separation details, and you are scrambling to find some way of supporting yourself.
All the while affecting your kids.

So - I am not saying all of this to prevent you from leaving. All o am trying to tell you is that you need to put yourself in a better place before you separate. It involves both financials and your life in general.
On financials - don’t rush to get just any job. Think about what you can realistically do and at least enjoy somewhat for the next 10years of your life. As it’s likely that you’ll need to work for at least that long.
Unless you have a lot of assets and can afford to buy another property of similar value to the marital home - the current home will need to be sold.

So - think about what it’ll mean in practice. Where would you be able to buy - assuming you only have half of the value of the home.
What would it mean for the kids schools - would you be able to stay in the same area, etc.
If you think you could retrain to make more money - do it now, before anything kicks off.

I know it’s not what you want to hear. Some people on here will tell you to just push the button if you are unhappy. And that it’ll all be Ok and kids will adjust.
But the reality if divorce is that it’s painful and kids are greatly affected of the adults are arguing over it. And if you have a fairly nice lifestyle now - there is a lot more to argue about.
So if you can avoid it by preparing - it will have less of an impact.

In parallel to the financials - I think you should work on building up your ‘separate’ life and on getting stronger. Have you considered counselling? Do you have good supportive friends? Do you have interests or hobbies? Once you separate - all of those things would be a great support to you.

Finally - it does seem that you are both wanting to leave and still holding on to your H. Do you really want to restart intimacy with him after all those years? If so - then you aren’t really ready to leave.

Thank you, LeifSan. I don't think I'm selfish for wanting a sex life and a partner who values me, but I do worry that my kids are going to be collateral damage. I think my DH knows I'm very unhappy (as is he, clearly) but he won't initiate a separation because he's worried about losing access to the girls (which I would never try to deny him).

And MMmomDD, you're absolutely right to say I should plan for this properly. Getting a job first is good advice, I'm just so impatient to leave - whilst scared of actually leaving. I'm 52 and I feel I've wasted so much of my life already :(

I have no desire to remain with my DH. He's spent the last 18 years taking me for granted, and now all I feel towards him is anger and resentment. I've told 3 friends about the reality of our marriage and they've all told me to leave; they reckon our DDs will adapt.

Am I being pie in the sky, thinking he'll be relieved that I've put us both out of our misery and that I want him to remain as close to our DDs as he is now? I'll move out, if that's what he wants - it's my decision to leave, after all. Once I get an income we shouldn't have to sell the house as our mortgage is manageable on one salary, so I hope that's not too much of an issue.

The mortgage won’t stay as it is because you will have to share the equity that is in it. One person doesn’t get to keep it - either you pay him a sum and buy him out or the other way around. So think about realistically what the split of equity will be and add that to any current mortgage. I believe there is a lean towards whoever has full custody of the children - if you intend shared custody then this will not be the case.

I don’t think you can rush this, he will not ‘be nice’ when you split up because apart from the fact that he clearly hasn’t put this forward, it really ultimately comes down to money, and a resentful husband generally doesn’t think ‘nice’.

From his perspective it could seem like you want him to go live somewhere else, leaving you the house with just the current mortgage, and he gets zero other than being allowed to be a part-time dad.

Thanks, Bunnyfuller. I'm currently just thinking about separating rather than divorce so I'm hoping the financial aspect can be managed further down the line.

For now, I just want to be free to live without low-level, constant criticism. Is it just wishful thinking to hope one of us can move out without it all getting too nasty? My DH is already resentful so I'm expecting more of that; I just want us to have an honest conversation for once.

I don’t think you’re being realistic - you expect him to move out, have to pay for a flat whilst you stay in the home? He’s already resentful, you might find he says if you’ve had enough, you move out and he will stay in the house with your children.

Whilst I completely get how awful things are for you, he doesn’t have any obligation to fall in line with your pain-free (from your perspective) slow transition away from each other whilst you find your feet.

How long is it since you’ve worked? Are you in a sector that is lively? Are you up to date etc. I would hate to feel like you are, but I think the transition would be better managed ‘undercover’ as in get the things in place you’ll need, and then if it all explodes you have a level of control and stability for your children. Yes, they adapt, there’s been so much disruption to their generation that a thought-through considered approach will be easier on all of you, and will prevent a lot of the potential unpleasantness.

Have you ever raised the idea of splitting with him? How does he react?

I haven't discussed the idea of separating with him since our oldest DD was a toddler. Frankly I think he'll be surprised that I decided to take some positive action instead of just putting up with it for another year or 10. I've written him a letter that's been burning a hole in my pocket for 4 months. I just can't bear the thought of wasting any more time. I'd do anything for just one night of passion. I'd have an affair and stay with him, if I even knew anyone to have one with :(

You need to be able to support yourself, your children aren't tiny, you need to return to work, then you can leave, and that may mean you leaving, you can't make him move out until you divorce and there's a settlement. I get the impression you are very naive about the implications of separation/divorce - read the posts here and you will see it's rarely plain sailing (I'm the exception but he instigated separation not me)

As others have said you are being unrealistic. Once he realizes that you are serious about ending your relationship things will change. He is highly unlikely to go along with your current plan.
I would suggest you talk to a solicitor and get a clearer, real life explanation of what you are entitled to. Once you know this you can think about how you will manage to fund a life for yourself. The next question you need to ask yourself is how he will respond when he realizes exactly what may have to happen e.g. selling the house. Think in advance how you will manage that.
I'm not trying to put you off, you sound very unhappy. You just need to have a clear, fact based plan.

Thanks for your honesty gogohm (and everyone else who replied). Perhaps now isn't the right time. I'll have to wait til I've got a job. I guess I've waited this long, so what's a few months more :(

If he's not generally nice, it's not likely that he is going to be nicer when you tell him you want a divorce. I can't see your idea either about retaining and living in the family home while he goes off to a flat. I am a nice person and I would not agree to that and I wouldn't be buying you a flat either.

You must realise that he is entitled to half the equity in your house and your mortgage will increase remarkably if you have to or can buy him out. It may no longer be manageable on one salary. He needs that equity to house himself.

How likely are you to be able to find a job? Are you qualified in anything? Have you worked after the children were born? Would you earn enough to service a mortgage?

You're not unreasonable in wanting a nicer life partner and to have sex but you seem very unrealistic about how this is going to be financed. Finance is not a slight problem here. It's all very well your friends saying you should leave but that's easy for them to say - bet they're not leaving their husbands. The reality is that you are likely to end up poorer with worse accommodation. I think you need to at least find a job before telling him you want to separate. Presumably then you'd have to be funding afterschool care for the youngest child at least which is another thing to consider.

I suspect that these are the very things that your husband may
have thought about and why is still there even if he is unhappy with the marriage.

Maybe have an adult conversation now. Non accusing, just ask him if he’s happy. You didn’t answer re.the job hunting, people on here would be able to give you sound advice depending on your situation.

I know you’re worried about the kids being collateral damage if you split but my view is kids are often already collateral damage when living in a household with two desperately unhappy parents.

Maybe you don’t have to wait months and instead initiate a conversation about the possibility of a separation at the same time as beginning to think about what jobs you could do and would like to do?

I would seek legal advice in the near future re the finances, property and children so you know where you stand. Knowledge after all is power. Getting a job is a great idea for you and will help boost your confidence levels.

Contacting the Rights of Women organisation would be a good idea here too.

I had to go back and re-read your posts, as I was surprised pp where being so discouraging about leaving (or separation - I'm not sure you're saying you plan to do a flit). . Yes, pp are right that you are being unrealistic about the financial situation, but nearly everyone underestimates the financial repercussions of divorce. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.

So take some time to understand that situation. Get some legal advice. Yes, start investigating the work situation. THEN you can decide whether you want to leave the marriage.

Believe me, it really helps you focus. For me, that acceptance of how my situation would change financially really made me see that I wanted out, that the utility room wasn't worth the unhappiness.

I wish you well.

Thank you for all the responses, and thanks for some of the more encouraging ones. I do have skills that will get me a job, and I last had a job for over 2 years that ended mid-2019 so I'm hopeful of finding something. The jobs I'm looking for are mostly remote, flexible, desk-based jobs so childcare is unlikely to be a problem.

We managed to buy our house thanks to the equity built up in a flat that I owned - my DH has contributed much more to the mortgage, but had no equity at the outset. I really don't care about money, or where I live, or how much I have to live on. Life is short and love is all that matters.

Before you start thinking about finances you and housing you really need to work out with your husband how you're going to look after your children.

Are you going to share care equally or will one of you do the bulk of looking after them?

OP - please think about it seriously. You are being very very naive and impractical. You aren’t 18 and love isn’t all that matters.
Not when you still need to take care of your kids.

You need to be able to feed and clothe them, and spend time with them. If you are working all ours at a min wage job just to feed rhn

Oops - it didn’t post the rest of what I wrote.

You seek passion and love - but it won’t be possible if you are just struggling to survive and feed your kids when they are with you. The stress. pressures and guilt of how it affects your children will be a lot to carry.
So - don’t act before thinking and planning.

Your H won’t be grateful, he’ll be hurt and angry. Your house will need to be sold as you’ll both need to house kids with enough rooms for them. So one can’t stay in the house, if the other can’t buy similarly sized property.

In your situation - I won’t blame you for having an affair. World isn’t black and white, and your H has clearly checked out.

Finally - I do wonder if hormonal fluctuations are also affecting the urgency you feel right now. It happens to women our age.

Speaking as someone who left my husband when my daughter was only 7, I can't emphasise enough that if you think that staying for the kids is a good idea then you are very very wrong. Kids know when you're unhappy - they're not stupid. And you should want them growing up what a good and healthy relationship looks like, not a bad one. My advice would be to look at your finances and what you can realistically afford to do. What do you expect from him in terms of settlement and maintenance. Plan your budget. But most importantly of all - don't ask him for a separation. TELL him you're leaving him.

'd have an affair and stay with him, if I even knew anyone to have one with :(

Not necessarily recommending doing this but there is a website/ app (not sure which) called illicit encounter. Married people looking for an affair partner or a hook up.

Is there any chance he is having an affair? Since he doesn't seem keen on sex with you?