Need courage to ask DH to separate

[Needyourhelp123]

I've been married for nearly 18 years. My DH and I were madly in love when we married, or so I thought; then, overnight he seemed to fall out of love with me. Suddenly he found many things about me irritating, and he stopped wanting any intimacy, let alone sex. I stuck around, mainly because I didn't want to go back to being permanently single, and I was in my mid-30s so it didn't seem like a great time to be looking for a partner. I've never had an affair. We have 2 DD (10 and 13), and since having them I've felt I can't leave. My DH is a very good father - much more affectionate and engaged with the DDs than he is with me. I've always planned to leave him but now I'm over 50 and really desperate to. I'm still in good shape, and I just want someone to desire me/appreciate me. Could anyone give me some motivating words, coz I can't bear the thought that I'm going to disrupt my girls' lives just to be selfish. Our marriage is a poor role model though, which is the only thought keeping me on course to do this. Any help gratefully received!

It's OK, @OverTheRubicon - I knew your comment was coming from a good place. Thanks also, @tiredofthisshit21!

I should say, for those of you pre-menopause, that it's a time in your life when you really do reassess where you're at, and what you want to get out of your last couple of decades. If you consider leaving a long-term relationship it's more than likely because you'd rather risk being alone than be in that relationship for the rest of your life.

Absolutely that Needyourhelp

I’m peri at the moment and it really has shone a light on my relationship.

Turns out my (now ex) DP is the last person I need around me when I’m not feeling 100% and that his attitude to menopause is very much like his shitty attitude to periods, his shitty attitude to the “harpies” in accounts at work who won’t let him do exactly as he pleases, his “crazy” ex etc. (she is fucking nuts but now I know why, as she’s been dealing with him gaslighting and alienating their DCs against her for 17 years!) ie it’s shown him up for the misogynistic prick he is, which I had conveniently brushed over when I loved him.

Losing my tolerance for other peoples bullshit and having the physical confirmation that this is now the ‘next’ phase of my life after the middle years of motherhood and wifedom, has been a real wake up call.

If the only thing keeping your DH with you is fear of losing access to the kids then you really should get out now. Better now than when you are 60!

I hear you, @moremoony!

And @RoyKentsChestHair, sounds like you're much better off without him. My H seems to think menopause is a myth dreamed up by women to steal the limelight from men, yet again. It's amazing how much you can overlook when you think you're in love with someone. I still don't know how I managed to convince myself my H was in love with me. I'm pretty sure he married me just coz he wanted to settle down and I ticked some boxes.

At least once you're awake you can't go back to sleep. Good luck!!

To be positive I got divorced and it was civilised, not friendly but we agreed to split everything (although solicitor tried to persuade me to go for more than 50% of the house, my position was I didn't want my kids spending time with him in a place that didn't feel like a home) the kids came and went between us as they wanted. They would choose to be in one location for convenience with their sports and social life. One thing they have said now as adults (one is almost your age) is that they really appreciate that neither of us said anything nasty about the other. He didn't even get a solicitor and it was smooth and cheap.

The downside, my kids were exactly the same age as yours and it isn't an ideal age for a split in my opinion. I'd hung on while they were younger thinking they'd cope better when older but adolescence is a difficult time in the best of circumstances and I have regrets about that but it is a bit late to advise you about that.

I did find someone else, remarried and had more children but I don't think it is easy starting again.

@Needyourhelp123 I'm exactly where you are. I feel like my dh got the wife and kids lifestyle and then completely gave up. I honestly could be anyone as long as I'm a good wife and mother, and just feel invisible to him as a woman. And yes I feel 'selfish' too for wanting someone to want me. It's not that you just want a mad shag, is it. You want someone to make you smile and value who you are, and to fancy you like mad. My dh does none of this and I have had enough. It's now coming up to 11 years without sex (or anything mildly related) and I just can't waste any more of my life. But how do you explain this to a 14 year old and 10 year old? Looking back to when I was young, I was terrified of my mum and dad ever splitting up. It was never a remote possibility, they were very happy, but for some reason I thought about it all the time. I'm aware that my boys are being set a terrible example of normal relationships, and I hate that. I also know they sense how 'wrong' our house is, me trying to be cheerful, their dad lazing around apart from 5 mins fake enthusiasm now and again, it's not how i want them to think adult life is. As you say, this is the top priority, and it's what keeps me focussed too. But at the same time, I feel no further forward than I was three years ago when I first saw a solicitor. I have seen another one a few months ago, and also have stopped wearing my wedding ring, but it feels like I'm at the bottom of a mountain and I've only taken a tiny step.
I'm sorry if that hasn't really helped! But I hope you feel less alone in your predicament xx

Thanks @ancientgran, I agree my kids' ages aren't great, sadly.

A d @19Bears, it's as if you've read my mind. Would you like to PM me? Perhaps talking to someone in a similar predicament could help us both?