Need courage to ask DH to separate

[Needyourhelp123]

I've been married for nearly 18 years. My DH and I were madly in love when we married, or so I thought; then, overnight he seemed to fall out of love with me. Suddenly he found many things about me irritating, and he stopped wanting any intimacy, let alone sex. I stuck around, mainly because I didn't want to go back to being permanently single, and I was in my mid-30s so it didn't seem like a great time to be looking for a partner. I've never had an affair. We have 2 DD (10 and 13), and since having them I've felt I can't leave. My DH is a very good father - much more affectionate and engaged with the DDs than he is with me. I've always planned to leave him but now I'm over 50 and really desperate to. I'm still in good shape, and I just want someone to desire me/appreciate me. Could anyone give me some motivating words, coz I can't bear the thought that I'm going to disrupt my girls' lives just to be selfish. Our marriage is a poor role model though, which is the only thought keeping me on course to do this. Any help gratefully received!

Nah, he hasn't had any interest in sex since the day we got married 18 years ago. He just used to lie on his back and do as little as possible - I don't think sex is his thing 😒 Having an affair would be hard as he works from home and we're never apart, but thanks for the suggestion.

Don’t make any decisions until you’ve taken legal advice.

You don’t want him to try to use your moving out to position himself as primary carer for the girls.

you are doing the right thing, especially because like you say life is far too short to be stuck in a marriage without the love. I didn't go about it the right way though and it caused so much more pain that it needed to. Insight is a wonderful thing! I am 4 years out of one that sounds very similar to yours - my kids have adapted so well and are thriving. I promise you this should never be a reason to not change your life - their happiness comes partly from both of their parents being happy.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to, I don't want to write an essay here ;)

I really don't care about money, or where I live, or how much I have to live on

You will care if your DD's are used as pawns by your husband when he can afford to buy their affection give them far more than you can materialistically and you then feel shit about it all. Do not think that people play nice when divorce happens because more often than not the gloves come off.

Take legal advice is the very first step and second, get a job.

You have to think of everything your husband is losing, I am thinking that you take care of most of the household stuff so shopping, cleaning cooking etc. He will lose that, plus whatever status he holds as a married man which may or may not be important to him. He may well feel humiliated that you dared to leave so go into this with your eyes wide open. You are not just looking at housing for you but for your children, money, for you and your children.

I should have said I am luckily very happily married but I watched my close friend get divorced and the aftermath of all of that.

Thanks again, everyone. Just to respond to a couple of points:

I'm not a starry-eyed teenager who thinks love is all that matters; I'm a 52-year old woman who knows from bitter experience that nothing else matters except love. Being in a relationship without it can make you feel as lonely as being single.

Also yes, hormonal fluctuations are definitely playing a part - in a good way! I'd planned to leave when my youngest DD left school but I'll be 60 by then, and now I'm in a hurry to get on and start living my life. This isn't a crazy notion that I'll later calm down and regret: on the contrary, now I'm seeing clearly.

Finally, I sense the gist of all the responses is that I should definitely leave, but I should try and get my finances in order first. My H is not a bad guy and he loves our DDs dearly. I know he'll be hurt and angry, (although he might also feel relieved) but I hope he won't take it out on the DDs by kicking me out on to the street and forcing us to sell the house. I just want to separate from him and rent somewhere local for the time being; I only want a divorce and all the financial/emotional heartache that goes with it, some time down the line.

I understand that nuance can get lost online, but not every guy turns nasty in the case of a divorce and please note, in 18 years I've never once kissed another guy despite my H not touching me for the last 10.

If you are worried about him turning nasty and being uncooperative, then I'd advise against deliberately seeking to be unfaithful. If it came to light (as they often do) then you'd be opening yourself up to him vilifying you in front of the children, friends and family and everyone being on his side. He might do that even if you don't actually have an affair, but just hook up with someone relatively quickly after your separation. Your children would have enough on their plates dealing with their parents' divorce, without that extra stress.

My recommendation would be to find a job, seek advice, break up as nicely as possible, wait at least a year, then carefully start dating on the days the children are not with you, and only introduce them to your new partner after a good long wait, if at all.

Didn't update/see your last post before I clicked "post" - so you think he'd probably be cooperative? Even if that is the case, emotions run high when your spouse of many years rejects you. I thought my exh was a good guy until I found out about his affairs. And we were together longer than you.

I understand that nuance can get lost online, but not every guy turns nasty in the case of a divorce and please note, in 18 years I've never once kissed another guy despite my H not touching me for the last 10.

Many do though and if he doesn’t appreciate you while you’re married to him he’s unlikely to appreciate you divorcing him.

But he might be relieved as you say. It’s impossible to know, which is why it’s useful to have everything in place before you make the announcement.

I thought I’d add my story to this. I was in a very similar situation to you. Long marriage, no affection. Was unhappy for a long time.
Two kids of similar ages. H, who was not a bad guy and loved his kids and works hard for them.
However, when I initiated separation - it all changed. He changed into someone I have never knew in two decades of knowing him.
And since my divorce happened and also several of my friends’ - this was a consistent theme. Most were as bad, or worse.
The only one situation I saw where it was different was where a guy felt guilty because he had an affair.

Men don’t tend to think of getting tough with monetary negotiations as taking it out on their children. It’s about their anger at you. And it’s about money - in simple terms - he won’t be paying for you longer than he has to.
There is no way he will want to pay for you to have an apartment and continue paying for your life. Once you go for separation - he’ll want to settle finances as quickly as possible so that he can stop paying for you.

Unless there is enough money in the family assets to buy another property - you will have to sell. There simply is no way around it.

You are being very unrealistic over what you want to happen. Or, rather, you are thinking of what’s best for you. While this isn’t going to what is best for him, so he why would he chose to do it? And this has nothing to do with being a good or a bad guy.

I do think the hormones are playing a role here as well. While you don’t sound like a teenager, you also don’t sound like a mature grown up who is able to see the situation realistically. You focus on what you want, rather what is possible or even likely.

I get the need and desire to live your own life. But other than having passionate sexual with other people - what is stopping you from leaving your house and doing things?
You said you spend all your time together. Why is that? Why don’t you start by leaving the house at times and doing things by yourself/with friends? Who is stopping you?

I will also second NOT moving out to a flat leaving him in the family home. A friend did that - her ex used that against her and it took her years to get access to her kids. He was a loving father before then too.

Thank you. So the assumption is my H will probably turn nasty, even if I don't even hook up with someone else and even if he's been unhappy too? I'm going to find a job, seek some legal advice and think about leaving him in a month or two.

By the way, for all the responses telling me I'm immature and naive, if you're trying to be kind, you're not doing a very good job.

No need for any more comments implying I'm a foolish, selfish old bag who should just suck it up.

I wasn’t try to be kind, I simply tried to explain reality of divorce.

It is the hardest thing I have had to go through in my life. And I have seen many friends go through it as well.

This has nothing to do with you being old or needing to suck anything up. This has all to do with the fact they you can use other people’s experience and try to minimise damage to your and your kids lives.

I don’t think you sound immature OP, I think you’re admirably clear-eyed about where your relationship is and that you’re over it.

I’m 51 so I’ve seen quite a few friends go through divorces now and several school friends’ parents had bad divorces when we were young.

You never know how it’s going to go, that’s why it’s best to assume the worst get everything together to protect yourself, if he surprises you because actually he’s not happy either and he’s relieved you’ve pulled the plug, ok.

It may still feel like rejection though and he won’t appreciate not being around his kids all the time.

I think it's probably saying things like 'love is the only thing that matters' that are making you sound naive op.
When it comes to divorce, love is irrelevant. You need to start dealing in fact. How quickly can you get a job? How much will it pay? Is that enough to rent somewhere big enough? How much can you expect from the divorce settlement? Can you support your children without your husband's money? Are you entitled to any benefits?
Sounds brutal, and obviously love is absolutely key in a relationships, but right now, you need to be thinking with your head, not your heart.

I think a few posters here are making assumptions that might not be right and could lead to very bad advice.

As stated, the OP's husband works from home - he might well want to be the primary carer or at the very least co-parent and he'll be perfectly capable of doing so.

Until the OP starts thinking about her kids and then discusses their future with her husband, ALL other plans should be put on hold.

Also yes, hormonal fluctuations are definitely playing a part - in a good way! I'd planned to leave when my youngest DD left school but I'll be 60 by then, and now I'm in a hurry to get on and start living my life. This isn't a crazy notion that I'll later calm down and regret: on the contrary, now I'm seeing clearly.

I completely get that - it was when I turned 40 that I decided to do something about the fact that I was unhappy in my marriage. Sometimes it just takes a milestone for you to reach a turning point. I think the implication that you're hormonal and will get over it is insulting, frankly.

@Needyourhelp123

Thank you. So the assumption is my H will probably turn nasty, even if I don't even hook up with someone else and even if he's been unhappy too? I'm going to find a job, seek some legal advice and think about leaving him in a month or two.

By the way, for all the responses telling me I'm immature and naive, if you're trying to be kind, you're not doing a very good job.

No need for any more comments implying I'm a foolish, selfish old bag who should just suck it up.

I think it’s a bit unreasonable to say he turn “nasty”, but you are talking here about ending his current life style and potentially asking him to move out of his current home and seeing less of his children, how do you think he will feel, how would you feel?

OP

Well into my 50's here.

I have sympathy for you as your marriage indeed sounds long dead.

I think @Jsku post is excellent and worth rereading.

You have NO IDEA how nasty men can get when their housekeeping skivvy leaves.

This will be personal to him, even though he has no interest in you.

You have to get VERY organised and behave and prepare for a brutal, adversarial separation, where he tries to screw you over.

In essence prepare for the absolute worst and hope for the best.

The more ground work you have done the better.
Get copies of all and any deeds, bank, pension statements etc., house valuation, etc.

Good luck.

OP, I've only read your first few posts and you're so hopelessly naive I couldn't read any more.

I hope everyone has told you:

He's not your friend. He won't support you once you've split up, beyond what the courts/cms make him pay.

You need to act fast, not mess about for a few months. He doesn't have to play to your timetable. You might one morning wake up and find your life has changed before you were ready.

Going for a 'separation' is a vast waste of time and money. Cut to the chase and divorce him. I made that mistake - don't do as I do (did), do as I say.

Get legal advice this week. Urgently. You've shown him your hand - he has had time to start planning.

A man who isn't keen to have sex is quite possibly finding it elsewhere.

You don't have to wait for him to say the marriage is over - as someone said early in the thread, you don't ask, you tell him.

Finding a job isn't easy - I hope you've worked recently or it will be an uphill task.

Good luck, but open your eyes and get cracking on this. Don't allow him to take the lead and you follow like a meek little lamb.

Well I'm not expecting him to be thrilled, I'm just hopeful he'll take on board the fact that I've remained faithful to him and that I don't want to deprive him of his money or his kids.

Please don't insult me by implying I'm naive to think he won't use every trick in the book to get back at me. He has quite a strong temper (verbal, not physical) and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's really, really horrible to me. I'm not expecting this to be easy, I just want to have a nice life before I get too old.

And please don't imply I don't care about my kids, either. They're the reason I've stayed married to a man who treats me far worse than I deserve.

Honestly, unless you have something really supportive to say that hasn't already been covered here, let's consider this thread closed.

I don't think you get to decide that either... though you could ask MNHQ to close it or remove it for you.

Don't know why you're getting grief OP. Are people in a really bad mood today? Honestly, leaving your husband is hard. This lady needs support. Come on people.

Love won't be all that matters when you have a furious husband who is fighting you for equity in the house and every penny is hard fought. Sorry, I really am, but you need to think about this logically and practically. How will you finance your life? How will you manage when the kids are ill? Because believe me if you have main custody of the kids when they are ill it will be down to you to sort especially if you are working at home.

Just read your update. Sorry it does seem like you are having a hard time. It is vile being stuck in a relationship that you know you need to leave. It's such a big step and decision. I do hope you can find a way that works for you. There is a new life out there, it will be hard initially but it is there for the taking. Just plan well would be my advice.