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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Needy husband driving me mad

79 replies

MummyToni27 · 04/01/2022 20:49

So life is pretty busy for me. I’m a full time mum/house wife with two wonderful children 6 & 8 and also run a full time business. Granted DH pitches in now and then with house work but most of the time it’s done by me. He works 3 12hr shifts a week monday-wednesday.
But what is grating me most lately is his constant need for physical attention. He has always been like this but i think it is getting to me most now that i so busy.
I could be in the middle of cooking dinner and he comes in for a grope and a full on snog fest. Cleaning the toilets and he comes in and locks the door thinking he is going to grab himself a quicky. He constantly needs to be touched and i just don’t have it in me. I sit down to have a rest and he straight away wants my undeniable attention and touchy affection. Sometimes it can be very inappropriate where he will stick his hand up my top when the kids are there. It is just a massive turn off.
Please can anyone else relate??

OP posts:
maskedwoman · 04/01/2022 20:56

@MummyToni27

So life is pretty busy for me. I’m a full time mum/house wife with two wonderful children 6 & 8 and also run a full time business. Granted DH pitches in now and then with house work but most of the time it’s done by me. He works 3 12hr shifts a week monday-wednesday. But what is grating me most lately is his constant need for physical attention. He has always been like this but i think it is getting to me most now that i so busy. I could be in the middle of cooking dinner and he comes in for a grope and a full on snog fest. Cleaning the toilets and he comes in and locks the door thinking he is going to grab himself a quicky. He constantly needs to be touched and i just don’t have it in me. I sit down to have a rest and he straight away wants my undeniable attention and touchy affection. Sometimes it can be very inappropriate where he will stick his hand up my top when the kids are there. It is just a massive turn off. Please can anyone else relate??
He really sounds quite self absorbed and disrespectful. He doesn't own you. Your body is yours and not for him to grope as and when he pleases.

You need to make firm boundaries at what isn't ok. You sound exhausted - he should be helping you.

Instead you are doing absolutely everything, working, parenting, cleaning and he just expects you to be up for it when he needs it.

I left one like this op though there were many other reasons. All I can say is toughen up your boundaries if you want to continue. Be firm. If he sulks and acts like a twat then it's maybe time to have a serious look at your marriage

Deathraystare · 05/01/2022 19:18

Maybe housework turns him on... hand him the mop and bucket pronto!

SpacePotato · 05/01/2022 19:25

He pitches in now and again with house work now and again? What does he actually do on his 4 days off a week if you do everything and work full time too?

Wombat43 · 05/01/2022 19:30

Also, technically, assault if its against your consent.

Think he needs to do more housework, a chunk of the mental load transferred to him & some firm boundaries put in.

This isn't going to end well.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 05/01/2022 19:32

Waay too much time in his hands....
Give him a list op. A huge one.

Quartz2208 · 05/01/2022 19:32

He sounds awful - he works 36 hours a week does very little housework and childcare and sexually assaults you in front of the children and demands attention away from them.

What do you want from this?

Blanca87 · 05/01/2022 19:33

That doesn’t sounds needy. that sounds rapey.

MarbleQueen · 05/01/2022 19:34

Sometimes it can be very inappropriate where he will stick his hand up my top when the kids are there

This is seriously fucked up. No kid wants to watch their mother being groped. He’s being abusive to both you and your children.

I’d see this as dominating behaviour, not needy behaviour.

SunshineOnKeith · 05/01/2022 19:37

He's a selfish lazy sex pest Who clearly thinks your only value is as a housekeeper and sex object
Don't let him treat you like this

ETgo · 05/01/2022 19:40

Honestly i could have written the same thing today. I've explained i don't like being touched constantly or have pressure put on me to wear or do certain sex things - particularly when I'm unwell like at the moment - and he now won't speak to me and stropped off to bed at 6:30pm.
I don't know what the answer is but I hope you have more luck than me in fixing it.

MarbleQueen · 05/01/2022 19:41

I wonder if there’s much more to this story op. Because a man who gets off on degrading you in front of your children has absolutely no respect for anyone’s boundaries.

Original poster
MummyToni27 · 05/01/2022 19:53

Thank you. I honestly think I needed to hear this and that it's not normal behaviour and I know that sounds daft but we have been together for 10 years so I guess I have just become used to it.
I think he see's it that he is just being affectionate. He would quite often say that I am not, which in comparison to him I'm not as affectionate. I have never liked PDA's as I find it a little tasteless and completely inappropriate where as he doesn't see the problem. We are clearly very different people and if weren't for the kids I think I would have ended it a long time ago but....we have built this wonderful family together, have an amazing house and are comfortable financially. The kids are happy and he is genuinely a good Guy and a great dad, his heart is in the right place and he would always put us first. I need to just tell him to rain it in but every time I tell him to back off he gets deeply offended and takes it as a personal attack. I think he has this idea of what a women should be like and I don't know about you ladies but I don't know any female who wants it all the time.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2022 20:03

He puts his own self and sexual gratification first and foremost, not you people as his family.

It is precisely for the children that this relationship should have ended a long time ago. Please do not stay because of or for the supposed sake of the children, they won’t thank you at all for doing that. It places a terribly heavy burden upon them too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you both?

Would you want your kids as adults to be groped by their partner as you are in their own adult relationship?. No of course not.

He’s not a great dad to his children if he treats you like this along with him groping you in front of them. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment also when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

I would consider seeking legal advice so you know what’s what going forward. Knowledge is power.

Pinkbonbon · 05/01/2022 20:06

Agree with pp that said it sounds more like dominance.

And sorry op but it's not a female only thing to want their personal space to be respected. I bet if you grabbed his cock infront of the kids he would be embarrassed too. He knows it's not OK, this isn't the shit you need to explain to anyone.

And @Etgo. 100% get rid. He makes me feel sick and I'm not even experiencing it. And him sulking after you say no to sex - that's coercive control. Which is a crime. Leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2022 20:06

You are not a fuck doll. There is nothing normal about this and your husband is disgusting. What an absolutely appalling example to be setting for your children.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 05/01/2022 20:06

So what if he gets offended. Call him out on it every time. Make a fuss. Offend him. Him groping you all the time is very offensive. Interesting you say he's a good guy. Do good guys ignore other people's boundaries and help themselves to other people's bodies whenever they want?

And the lazy fucker should be doing the housework on his days off.

SunshineOnKeith · 05/01/2022 20:07

I think he has this idea of what a women should be like

And he priorities this 'assumption' over the actual female he's married to who doesn't like it?

That's not a good guy. That's a selfish misogynist who thinks you're only good for sex and cleaning Envy

Elieza · 05/01/2022 20:08

He’s thinking of how HE feels if he thinks ‘women want it all the time’.

For most straight couples I personally know of, the majority are horny men, not as horny women.

It’s one of the biggest issues on MN.

SunshineOnKeith · 05/01/2022 20:09

@TheGoldenWolfFleece

So what if he gets offended. Call him out on it every time. Make a fuss. Offend him. Him groping you all the time is very offensive. Interesting you say he's a good guy. Do good guys ignore other people's boundaries and help themselves to other people's bodies whenever they want?

And the lazy fucker should be doing the housework on his days off.

Do you have daughters? Would it be ok for one of their partners to grope them at will? To 'help themselves'?

Do you have sons?
Do you want them to grow up thinking they have a divine right to maul women?

Think about what you are teaching your children

Atla · 05/01/2022 20:10

There are loads of threads like this lately. WTF is going on? This gropey sex pest behaviour is not ok! I would tell him to stop in no uncertain terms and let him fucking sulk if he wants.

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 05/01/2022 20:11

At least if he's offended he's stropped off and he won't be groping you. I bet everything great in your relationship - when he's getting his own way.

Atla · 05/01/2022 20:12

And 100% it's about control - he knows you don't like it, you've asked him to stop. He is doing it anyway because he doesn't give a fuck about your boundaries.

BourbonBiscuits20 · 05/01/2022 20:12

You could discuss with him what your love language is and how you wish to be shown affection. Likely if you were shown love how you prefer (eg help/'acts of service') you'd probably be more inclined to show him love how he prefers ie physical touch. Maybe just when the kids are in bed though?!

BoodleBug51 · 05/01/2022 20:12

Ugh that sounds grim.

You're not his sex slave.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 05/01/2022 20:12

He’s got time to grope, he’s got time to clean… Suggest to him that with two of you tackling the chores might leave more time and energy for other things?