Needy husband driving me mad

[MummyToni27]

So life is pretty busy for me. I’m a full time mum/house wife with two wonderful children 6 & 8 and also run a full time business. Granted DH pitches in now and then with house work but most of the time it’s done by me. He works 3 12hr shifts a week monday-wednesday.
But what is grating me most lately is his constant need for physical attention. He has always been like this but i think it is getting to me most now that i so busy.
I could be in the middle of cooking dinner and he comes in for a grope and a full on snog fest. Cleaning the toilets and he comes in and locks the door thinking he is going to grab himself a quicky. He constantly needs to be touched and i just don’t have it in me. I sit down to have a rest and he straight away wants my undeniable attention and touchy affection. Sometimes it can be very inappropriate where he will stick his hand up my top when the kids are there. It is just a massive turn off.
Please can anyone else relate??

I think he has this idea of what a women should be like

Yes I think he does as someone who is there to cook, clean and service his every need. Who isnt in effect a person and who if they try and tell him takes it as an attack on him and sulks therefore rendering you mute

No not one is like this because we are all women in our own right with needs and feelings of our own. That isnt what he is wanting

Your children deserve better as well OP than a Dad who centres everything around him

Is he porn sick op? The attempting to shag you over a toilet is a further attempt to degrade you I feel.

I'm starting to get sick of all the 'my husband is an arsehole, here are the revolting abusive things he does but he is a genuinely good guy/dad' posts. Who the fuck sees someone cleaning the toilet and thinks ' great, let me stick my dick in you real quick'.

Next time he pulls that shit, pass him the toilet brush. He clearly has enough time to help with the cleaning.

OP, your husband is rapey and disrespectful and you are not asserting yourself and your boundaries. Do not put up with it and be fucking furious if he sulks. It’s assault in your own home in front of your DC.

Absolutely sick of these posts too. How are you bringing your DC up with guys like this?

Ew, gross. He sounds like a dog humping anything in sight. Maybe if he worked harder, he'd be less randy?

Disgusting and manipulative.

He gets offended to try and silence you.

Very controlling and manipulative.

The fact you say except for the children you would be gone means he is not a good husband or father.

He sounds like a rapey sex pest.

Not a good man.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

Do you have sex to keep him quiet?

If so, it is coercive sex, which is rape, and a crime.

He has no rights to your body.

Please take this seriously.

Look at your finances and situation so that you have options.

Long term this is not going to last.

This is not normal.
This is not respectful.
This is not a healthy relationship.

Another lazy sex pest husband.

When did women start setting their bars and examples for their children so low....?

I am actually quite shocked by the amount of response i have had to this and it has been quite an eye opener.

I just want to make it clear that with regards to him putting his hand up my top whilst the kids are in the room. He doesn’t make it obvious and I don’t think the kids have seen it but i have brought it up with him before and said what sort of example are you setting for the kids. Every time he does it i will always tell him to stop.
Fuck, it’s making feel sick even writing it.

You’re all right though, it’s not right and it’s not okay. Thank you all so much, you have given me courage to fully call him out next time…which will probably be tomorrow and tell him to stop touching me inappropriately.
Over the last year i have actually started to detest men, it’s all about sex. I’ve watched documentaries on netflix and it’s all about men abusing women. As a society though we feed it…music videos it’s all about sex. Women sell themselves all the time be it in a strip club, reality TV or Instagram. They are giving men the impression that they are all just as horny as they are. It terrifies me bringing up a little girl of my own that this is what society expects.
I have my finances in order so I know if the worst comes to the worst i will be okay without him.

I agree OP. It’s just everywhere. The best we can do is raise our DC as well as we can.

He's not a 'good guy' and he's not a good dad. He's a bully.
He doesn't really want sex, this is not about 'need' or 'frustration' - this is about putting you in your place, repeatedly. Men who complain about insufficient sex but who also repeatedly paw and slobber over their female partners at obviously inappropriate moments (in front of DC, in public, when you have indicated that you are busy/tired/unwell) are doing this to humiliate and punish. If he wanted to improve the sexual side of your marriage he would be willing to do things that make you happy and incline you to be fonder of him. Such as his share of the housework...

To be fair, lots of people like sex, are very interested in it, have lots of it... but they seek out people who are equally enthusiastic to have all that sex with. They don't persist in grabbing and demanding sex from someone who has said no once already.

It's not really about sex though op. As pp said, I about keeping you in your place. About reminding you that you re just there to be groped. More about power, control, dominance and perhaps, perversion, rather than sex.

Yes you'll realise when your girls are teens that they are also pestered by men much older. As they walk down the street with their friends men will slow down in vans and call to them. It started when my daughter was about 13. It's disgusting.

I would be asking questions about my husband's behaviour outside of the home too if he behaves that way in the home.

I'd talk to him when you two have some time alone (not mid grope as he would probably just get defensive) I'd explain how it makes you feel, why you don't enjoy it and set some boundaries ie a cuddle is fine snog fest no. Also if you feel he is not pulling weight that could be another discussion but perhaps separately so one doesn't get lost in the other.

Email him this thread and discuss it with him plus make sure he does 50% of the housework and gives you headspace to decompress and relax.

What does he do all day Thurs-Sun?

OP,

You sound like a lovely woman, but believe me your children will notice subliminally what is going on.

They don't have to have it waved in their faces to feel him moving a hand and you trying to move away.
Know this.
Children suck up so much in a home where things aren't right.
They very often don't have the language to describe things for years, but the images are locked away.

This is not a good man.

He's a creep.

The type that would have sex up against a wall at the back of a pub or in a loo if he got half a chance.

He has zero respect for you.

He's a lazy waster.

I really think a chat with Women's aid would be invaluable for you.

So glad you are ok financially.

I strongly recommend you actively develop an exit plan and fund, copies of all financials etc. (Kept somewhere safe) so that when you do want to leave you are well ahead organisationally.

Start detaching emotionally too.

You are not going to be able to unsee the lazy creep he is.

If you had a daughter in your situation, think about what you would want for her?
30+ more years of a creep like this?
I doubt it.

Keep posting.

He’s a sex pest. Not some I could live with.
Does he use porn ?
On the 4 days he’s not working he needs to do a lot more round the house.

As far as i’m aware he doesn’t watch porn, if he does it’s certainly not a regular thing.
He does lift weights so his testosterone is probably through the roof, which doesn’t help.
His days off he will go fishing or to the gym. 80% of my job is working from home but approximately 50 days of the year i am working on location so he will be home with the kids and he does do his part when he has to.
He works nights too so he is pretty much out of action from monday-thursday afternoon.

I’ve just got home after driving the kids to school sort of rehearsing what and how to say it to him and I honestly can’t figure out how to say it (and i have a lot to say) without coming across like I’m attacking him. I think however i word it, it is going to wound him and he’s not going to take it well.

Are you afraid of him or how he might react if you assert your rights over your own body?

If so you've got bigger problems.

on location so he will be home with the kids and he does do his part when he has to

When he has to. What a prince.

Grabbing your boobs in front of the kids is not affectionate, it’s vile and creepy.
Don’t describe him as “needy”, He’s not needy- he’s a disrespectful perv who sees you as there for his convenience

My OH was a bit like this - I felt as though I was under siege - I hated it. But he had a neuro-degenerative disease that was I think at the root of it all.

Your OH has no such excuse. I do not know what you might do about it - if he just sulks and strops when you try to discuss it like two mature adults then what can you do?

He knows you are fed up with it and want him to stop, but still he persists. This is so unacceptable and would for me call into question the whole relationship.

I am sorry you are faced with this problem.

No i am absolutely not afraid of him. He would never hurt me physically or anything like that. It’s more that I don’t want to hurt him as this will really emotionally destroy him. He will take this really hard.

He is not nearly so concerned with your feelings as you are with his, which is why i wondered if you were afraid of him.

Another interpretation of him being so upset and devastated and hurt etc etc could be "if she brings it up, I'll act like I'm devastated so eventually she will shut up and i can carry on grabbing her like a piece of meat whenever i want.*

His reaction being anything other than very very very sorry is him trying to train you into accepting it, because otherwise he will make you feel guilty for bringing it up.

He SHOULD be upset to realise his actions have upset you! Why do you think it's your job to protect him from feeling bad, or guilty about things he's chosen to do? You really don't need to protect him. He's a big boy, if you want to give it its proper name he's sexually assaulting you ALL the time. He can deal with the consequences, one of which is that his wife feels disrespected and harassed.