Needy husband driving me mad

[MummyToni27]

So life is pretty busy for me. I’m a full time mum/house wife with two wonderful children 6 & 8 and also run a full time business. Granted DH pitches in now and then with house work but most of the time it’s done by me. He works 3 12hr shifts a week monday-wednesday.
But what is grating me most lately is his constant need for physical attention. He has always been like this but i think it is getting to me most now that i so busy.
I could be in the middle of cooking dinner and he comes in for a grope and a full on snog fest. Cleaning the toilets and he comes in and locks the door thinking he is going to grab himself a quicky. He constantly needs to be touched and i just don’t have it in me. I sit down to have a rest and he straight away wants my undeniable attention and touchy affection. Sometimes it can be very inappropriate where he will stick his hand up my top when the kids are there. It is just a massive turn off.
Please can anyone else relate??

I think popular culture has a LOT to answer for here. I'm so tired in movies or tv shows where the couple have this long snogs in the kitchen after a lovely chat with their adorable DC. Or the kids go off to school and there's a joke about a quickie. Because for most of us, by the time we've got the kids up and ready and dressed and now are doing our own work, stopping for a bit of sex or a grope is just too painful to contemplate.

Also, I think it's worrying that you refer to yourself as a full time housewife AND full time self employed. How does that work? And he just what, wafts around the house for 4 days a week doing f* all? No wonder you're not interested in sex with him. You're too busy running around doing everything.

He sounds awful OP. If he can't understand how this makes you feel and that his constant come ons are harassing behaviour, then you have to consider what happens next. As a side bar, DH had a brief phase of this - he genuinely didn't expect sex, but just thought it was affectionate. But I told him how uncomfortable it made me feel and he stopped.

It's very controlling. This idea that no matter what you're doing - sorting the kids, cooking, cleaning, working you should want to drop everything to have a sexy moment with him? Ick. He really does think he should be your number 1 priority all of the time. Is he controlling in other ways? If you're working and doing all household stuff, does he step up at all? Do you have to negotiate with him to get time "off"? I bet you do.

@SunshineOnKeith

He's a selfish lazy sex pest Who clearly thinks your only value is as a housekeeper and sex object Don't let him treat you like this

I agree

I think he's probably getting a thrill from the fact that you don't consent and that he's doing it in inappropriate times and places in order to force you to put up with it. Like groping you in front of the children. He knows you won't make a fuss and draw attention to what he's doing. The fact that he's doing it so the children don't notice is part of the fun for him. In this way, he's involving your children in his sexual thrill. God he makes me want to vomit.

Don't be certain your kids haven't seen. Children see a lot more than parents realise. It's not on. No children should be drawn into this, just because he can't control himself - and that's giving him the benefit of doubt. He might be out to control with this groping behaviour. It's not like you can easily untangle yourself from the situation without the children likely noticing what is going on.

TheGoldenWolfFleece beat me to it. It really is gross behaviour.

he is genuinely a good Guy and a great dad,
He is neither of these things! He's a disgusting sex pest. It made me feel sick reading your OP.

A good dad does not grope his children's mother unwanted in front of them and he's carried on doing it even though you've told him you don't like it.
A genuinely good guy does not let his wife do all the childcare, cooking and cleaning while working full time and just do his bit when he has to.

Why are you so worried about hurting his feelings when he has zero regard for yours?

I agree you need to lay down the law with him.
You tell him you don't like being groped but he still does it.

On his days off he needs to be up and handling things so you can focus on your work. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, childcare, etc.

As for feeling bad, he certainly doesn't feel bad for you dealing with his sex pest and doing everything in the house in addition to your full time job.

he is genuinely a good Guy and a great dad

The fact that this is always said about abusive types is so fucking depressing.

It may look like you've built a wonderful family, it's great you're financially comfortable, but at what cost?
I would be absolutely unwilling to let my children see any man treat me like this husband or not.

he is genuinely a good Guy and a great dad

He genuinely isn't. He's a fucking shit dad to be exposing them to this. Setting aside that he is sexually abusing you, performing sexual acts with children in the room where they could see or hear it is a recognised form of child sexual abuse. That's how serious this is.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/child-sexual-abuse/

He will take this really hard. - but it sounds as though you are taking it hard when he does it; entirely justifiably. Why should you be concerned about his feelings, when he is clearly not concerned about yours? It is because you are a decent caring human being - time for him to learn to be the same.

Don't forget to remind him when he tells you how upset/hurt/offended he is by what you have to say that he is starting this chain of events by upsetting/hurting/offending you. Ask him why it's ok for him to do that but not ok for you to tell him how it makes you feel. Good luck, I hope he listens

@TheGoldenWolfFleece

He is not nearly so concerned with your feelings as you are with his, which is why i wondered if you were afraid of him.

Another interpretation of him being so upset and devastated and hurt etc etc could be "if she brings it up, I'll act like I'm devastated so eventually she will shut up and i can carry on grabbing her like a piece of meat whenever i want.*

His reaction being anything other than very very very sorry is him trying to train you into accepting it, because otherwise he will make you feel guilty for bringing it up.

He SHOULD be upset to realise his actions have upset you! Why do you think it's your job to protect him from feeling bad, or guilty about things he's chosen to do? You really don't need to protect him. He's a big boy, if you want to give it its proper name he's sexually assaulting you ALL the time. He can deal with the consequences, one of which is that his wife feels disrespected and harassed.

Great post.

Please reread this OP.

You appear to have been trained that his needs are more important than you AND your children.

@TheGoldenWolfFleece, I would suggest you send him this link.

He is repulsive and his actions so abusive, towards you AND hour children.

If his reaction to what you have to say isn't abject remorse, you have every right to ask him to leave the home.

He really needs to see how seriously you view this and that he is on his last chance to correct his behaviour.

Labelling his behaviour correctly is key.

Sexually assaulting you.
Coercive sex.
It being a crime.
Deprivation of body autonomy.
Sexual abuse of his children by repeating behaviours that he has been asked not to do.

If a mandated person ever heard from your children how he behaves around you, in front of them, you could well have an issue.

I don't wish to be dramatic, I just wish for you to see how others view his behaviour.

This is NOT normal.
This is not what happens in healthy familys.

I've been a child in this sort of background before.... 'snog sessions' on the sofa metres away from me, and getting scolded when I tried to interrupt them. Sticking me in front of a video mid afternoon to lock themselves in the bedroom for a few hours, when I was about 4. I saw and as a result, resented my dad for a long time as he drove this behaviour, showing little interest in me but being all over my mother like a rash. It gave me a very skewed view of relationships growing up, that men were 'dirty' and I struggled to ever be intimate with one for a very long time.

Littlemissunreasonable- this reminds me of when i was young i was at my friends house…i must have been 7 of 8 at the time. And her mum was up stairs at 11am shagging her bf. One of those things that have always stuck with me and funnily enough it was from that same girl who told me about sex.
With regards to the whole snog fest thing, i will always put a stop to it and not allow it. It really isn’t my thing and never has been…it’s more that he is always trying his luck. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that as a child, it’s not right and no child needs to see that.

This isn't a good guy. He's a sex pest. If your daughter was telling you this was happening to her would you be happy?

@MummyToni27 thank you for your kind words, I'm in a happy and healthy relationship now so I did manage to move forward . I'm so sorry for what you're going through x

@MummyToni27

As far as i’m aware he doesn’t watch porn, if he does it’s certainly not a regular thing. He does lift weights so his testosterone is probably through the roof, which doesn’t help. His days off he will go fishing or to the gym. 80% of my job is working from home but approximately 50 days of the year i am working on location so he will be home with the kids and he does do his part when he has to. He works nights too so he is pretty much out of action from monday-thursday afternoon.

I’ve just got home after driving the kids to school sort of rehearsing what and how to say it to him and I honestly can’t figure out how to say it (and i have a lot to say) without coming across like I’m attacking him. I think however i word it, it is going to wound him and he’s not going to take it well.

I wouldn't worry about upsetting him , he doesn't worry about upsetting you.

Exactly, you're worried about hurting his feelings when he is repeatedly sexually assaulting you?

He is not needy - he is a sex pest.

Normal men enjoy sex with their partners in an appropriate private context when both are up for it.

What he is doing is simply not normal at all.

I think however i word it, it is going to wound him and he’s not going to take it well.

The disrespectful tool doesn't concern himself with your feelings, & his behaviour is so entitled & OTT that you feel sick just thinking about it.
So please - stop worrying about how he's going to take it.

Also - there is a script, dozens of PP will recognise it - he will deny, manipulate you by 'being upset', call you over-sensitive, minimise, blame you for his feelings ... but what he will NOT do is apologise, ask forgiveness, or demonstrate that he understand he has upset you & ensure he stops doing it.

So, as he is going to react badly anyway, I think you should just go in all guns blazing.
"I have told you several hundred times to stop pawing at me. It is disrespectful & frankly it puts me right off being at all close to you. You do not own my body & I am not your plaything. Cut it the fuck out or I will be done with you."

Let him sulk, & go through the above routine.
If he doesn't get past his sulks or improve his behaviour - well, you said without the kids you'd be gone, & you will be ok financially so ...
This is your trump card. You need to do what is best for you, & if that involves splitting up so you don't have to endure being harassed by a sex pest, so be it.

@MummyToni27 Sadly, I think you've got the 'ick' :(

His days off he will go fishing or to the gym. 80% of my job is working from home but approximately 50 days of the year i am working on location so he will be home with the kids and he does do his part when he has to

Right, so he does almost fuck all around the house but does ~50 days lone parenting and housework a year. Wow! OP, when do you get 4 days off each week to swan around doing hobbies and being waited on? What a cushy life he has, not pulling his weight, so no wonder he has so much sexual energy 🙄 He needs a boot up the arse.

just want to make it clear that with regards to him putting his hand up my top whilst the kids are in the room. He doesn’t make it obvious and I don’t think the kids have seen it but i have brought it up with him

There is something really sinister about involving children in something sexual. And by doing it in the same room he IS involving them.

I really think you need to consider the words you’re using. He’s not a fantastic father and if he did these things to anyone else he’d be sat in a police cell.

Being told to stop being a dirty bastard won’t emotionally destroy him. What it will do is fucking infuriate him and he’ll abuse you further by sulking at you. Does he sulk at the kids also?

Not everything has to be a conversation and you really don’t have a debate about someone sexually assaulting you. What you do is tell them it’s going to stop and if they don’t they can fuck off out. That goes for sulking too.

In the meantime don’t sit near him then he can’t sexually assault you near your children.