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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating question - Would anyone else find this a bit odd?

111 replies

Poppins88 · 02/01/2022 14:20

I have form for overthinking so I just want to get a bit of a sense check. I've been speaking to someone on Bumble and we've made plans to meet. However, during one of our conversations we had the following exchange and I'm a bit perplexed by it:

Him: oh by the way I should tell you, my name isn't actually Chris, it's Ricardo or you can call me Ray.
Me: that's odd, why are you called Chris then?
Him: when I joined Bumble it gave me the name Chris, I don't know why and I can't change it.
Me: Those are very different names, not sure what to make of that!
Him: just call me Ray lol

Am I being over the top to consider that a red flag? My spidey sense is tingling but I'm not sure why?! It just seems very unlikely to me that Bumble gave him a completely different name and even if it did, why wouldn't he change it? And why wait so long to tell me?! We'd been speaking for several days by this point?! Also, the shortened version of Ricardo is not Ray?!

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 02/01/2022 14:55

When I was dating there were a few men who didnt use their real name on the apps.

My current partner used a different name on the app and while we were chatting and told me the truth when we met.

Original poster

Poppins88 · 02/01/2022 14:57

@NuffSaidSam

What is it you're worried about? What do you think the red flag is indicating? What has he to gain from using one name for OLD, but telling you before meeting his real name?

This is just it - I don't know?! I guess I just don't like the dishonesty. I keep attracting men into my life that lie to me about really random things: I've had men telling me they have tattoos when they don't, telling me they work in a particular place but it's actually somewhere completely different, telling me they have moved on from their ex but they've actually just invited their ex to come live with them, the list is endless! I find it a turn off and I don't want to ignore red flags as I've been guilty of doing that in the past.

OP posts:

Babamamananarama · 02/01/2022 15:03

If his name is actually Ricardo it's possible he is sensitive to people rejecting him on the basis of having a foreign-sounding name, and he's chosen something very English instead.
Ask him about the origins of Ricardo and see what he says.

PermanentTemporary · 02/01/2022 15:05

I don't regard using a different name as 'dishonesty' in an important sense. I talked to a lot of men using a different name on OLD and I would say the most common reason was that they were a lot more married than they wanted to admit. However, I also met some nice guys who just didn't want to put all their cards on the table. That's OK.

From a personal point of view I find it slightly destabilising changing the name I think about people having, but provided they are willing to settle on their real name once they meet you, I wouldn't chuck people away because of it.

Startingover37 · 02/01/2022 15:07

While I wouldn't like it, my issue wouldn't be so much with using a different name (for privacy etc.) but the fact he wasn't truthful when he said that the app gave him a different name! That is a lie and would make him feel he wouldn't be honest and trustworthy which are qualities I would be looking for.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/01/2022 15:08

@Startingover37

Seriously, if you log in using Facebook it gives whatever name is on your Facebook account and many many people have fake names on their Facebook account It's not that far fetched

Startingover37 · 02/01/2022 15:11

@CloseYourEyesAndSee Ok, fair point. I have never connected through any social media and have always just put in my name so would have thought that unlikely but I stand corrected!

TooWicked · 02/01/2022 15:15

For my own personal safety I wouldn't go and meet up with anyone that had told me 3 different names until I'd verified in as much as I could that they were who they said they were.

My cousin tells me when she's going on a date - where, with who, what area he's from, and the contact details she has for him (for obvious reasons) - if she said to me "hey I'm going on a date with some guy called Ray, well actually his name is Ricardo, but he's on the dating site as Chris" I'd think she'd lost her mind.

He's already lied to you once - the app didn't randomly select the name Chris, if the app gave him the name Chris he knows exactly why, e.g. he's logged in through Facebook using a fake FB account.

TooWicked · 02/01/2022 15:17

if you log in using Facebook it gives whatever name is on your Facebook account and many many people have fake names on their Facebook account

But he explicitly told her he didn't know why the app gave him the name Chris.

Original poster

Poppins88 · 02/01/2022 15:19

"if she said to me "hey I'm going on a date with some guy called Ray, well actually his name is Ricardo, but he's on the dating site as Chris" I'd think she'd lost her mind." Yeah, can't really argue with that tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Poppins88 · 02/01/2022 15:23

I'm not sure if this adds anything but just before he told me about his names, he asked me if my name was actually my name. When I said it was, that's when he told me about the Ricardo/Ray thing, which possibly kind of lends itself to the safety/privacy thing others have mentioned.

OP posts:

Blossomandbee · 02/01/2022 15:27

It's a bit strange, especially if he's lied about the reason.

My first thought is he didn't want to be identified on the dating site, potentially by friends of a wife/girlfriend?

JulittadeMontrigord · 02/01/2022 15:27

Does he have a sensitive job, OP? I, briefly, dated a social worker a few years ago. He used a false name on the dating site, told me his real name after chatting a while, but before meeting up. Seemed a sensible precaution to me.

RoyKentsChestHair · 02/01/2022 15:28

I’d be wary tbh. If I did meet him, it would be a quick coffee and I’d keep an eye out for his name on his bank card or whatever to try and verify what he said.

It could just be that Ray isn’t a particularly sexy name so he’s pretending it’s Ricardo?! But still a lie, so it wouldn’t work for me.

I can understand the idea of using a totally different name for OLD - someone I met online tracked me down on FB after I’d told him my name and friend requested me. I actually quite like him so we’re still mates on there years later, but if he’d been a creepy stalker type I’d have been freaked out by that tbh! Just using my first name and town, plus photos was enough to find me, and my name isn’t particular unusual.

If he’s police or even a teacher or something he might be more prone to keeping things quiet. But either way, I’d want a convincing explanation before I took it any further.

RosieGuacamosie · 02/01/2022 15:30

I’d think it was very weird tbh. Unless you have an exceptionally unusual first name, there’s very little someone can do with a photo of you and a first name, would scream either something to hide or an abnormal level or paranoia, both of which would make me want to run a mile!

MargotsBumpyNight · 02/01/2022 15:30

I guess there could be a few reasons. The only time a guy used a fake name with me when I was dating was because he had a pregnant wife though.

RosieGuacamosie · 02/01/2022 15:31

@Blossomandbee

It's a bit strange, especially if he's lied about the reason.

My first thought is he didn't want to be identified on the dating site, potentially by friends of a wife/girlfriend?

This! The most likely explanation is so he can play it down to his partner as someone catfishing him to his partner “look they don’t even have the right name”

Poppy101010 · 02/01/2022 15:48

Has there been any other red flags or anything else bothering u about him ? If you do meet him , just remember to do it in public and tell a friend the details . Keep safe OP x

dopple · 02/01/2022 16:06

Do they really think you're born yesterday
You know yourself that you're not given a random name when signing up. It would put me right off. He's trying to hide his real identity which probably means he's already in a relationship.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 02/01/2022 16:14

Since he's all of a sudden being honest about his name, I would ask for the last name too and then do a little informal background/google search. Is he on LinkedIn for instance?

gannett · 02/01/2022 16:28

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders

Since he's all of a sudden being honest about his name, I would ask for the last name too and then do a little informal background/google search. Is he on LinkedIn for instance?

This is probably exactly why he didn't use his real name.

I've been active online for nearly two decades and the pivot to everyone using their real names still blows my mind. Back in 2003 we were told never to reveal identifying information and always use a pseudonym!

Many many many people I know use pseudonyms online for very legitimate reasons, both specific (to do with activism or sensitive jobs) and general (just being privacy-conscious). And you should always be aware that if you use your real name for OLD, you WILL be googled, by people you might want to know all about you. It makes total sense to prevent this.

Little bit weird that he blamed the app but maybe he doesn't want to get into a debate about internet privacy before he's even met someone.

Ray is not the usual abbreviation for Ricardo but not all nicknames correlate with what they should be. I'm acquainted with someone whose name is Christina, but everyone calls her Sally. I have never found out why! (Ironically, being a Ricardo who everyone calls Ray is probably very identifying information...)

gannett · 02/01/2022 16:28

*might NOT want

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 02/01/2022 17:03

I find it offputting when people lie and blame the apps eg about age. Such an obvious falsehood. Just own it, if you're in a sensitive job or concerned about security.

Lockheart · 02/01/2022 17:10

Sorry but that would probably be a no from me.

I've heard "btw these aren't my real pictures" / "just so you know I'm actually , I don't know how to change it LOL" too many times.

If someone was honest and was upfront about using e.g. their middle name for privacy reasons then maybe I could understand. But blaming the app is juvenile.

It's a dating app, you're supposed to put yourself out there. If you're that worried about privacy then I start to wonder how long you've been married and what your wife feels about your dating app use.

Pyracanth · 02/01/2022 17:41

Definitely not a red flag, I would never use my real name and only a few men I have met use their real name.

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