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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel trained to stay quiet by husband

93 replies

OrlaKc · 02/01/2022 02:07

Husband says and does really awful things to me and yet I feel awful when I see the sad/upset look on his face when I try talk to him about it. My family think he is a controlling, selfish person for the most part and they only see the outwardly side of him.. Without going into detail with examples, how can I stop feeling bad when I see the sad puppy face?
Thanks

OP posts:
RobertSmithsLipstick · 02/01/2022 02:11

Put a bag over his head?

Lozzerbmc · 02/01/2022 02:12

Leave so you dont have to see his face anymore?

Notfastjustfurious · 02/01/2022 02:12

By leaving it and him behind. You don't need to put up with his shit or his sad face.

Bennylafitte · 02/01/2022 02:22

Don't feel sad, get angry and leave

Onthemaintrunkline · 02/01/2022 02:24

You continue living with this control??

Topseyt · 02/01/2022 02:28

Find your inner anger and stop allowing this shit. Dump him if necessary too so that you don't have to look at his stupid face.

Redshoeblueshoe · 02/01/2022 02:38

Seriously - why do you put up with this ?

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2022 02:42

For fuck's sake, listen to your family. They see him for the vile prick he is, and it is probably killing them that you continue to stay with him. Raise your standards.

Laserbird16 · 02/01/2022 02:42

Leaving is a good solution. You're a person who has feelings and he isn't entitled to shit all over you and then take offence when you assert boundaries. Really, fuck this guy.

1forAll74 · 02/01/2022 02:49

How can you feel sad for this awful man,, you should be feeling sad for yourself and the situation that you have to live with. Neve feel bad,for a man with a sad face, who seems to be controlling you.

Pangolin44 · 02/01/2022 02:55

Really?

Tell him to fuck off, and mean it.

Geppili · 02/01/2022 02:56

He is manipulating you! Did/does anyone else do this to you? He is basically acting like a puppy/young child and you are triggered by this into guilt and silence.

CallMeNutribullet · 02/01/2022 03:31

He's abusive to you, but you can't talk to him about it because then he looks sad? Don't you want more than this?

irene9 · 02/01/2022 03:39

You are a co dependent rescuer, so in order to distract yourself from your own feelings, you tend to seek out and respond to what you think are the vulnerable part in others. Also called 'mothering' a grown man to make yourself feel needed.
You ignore the fact that such people are adults responsible for their own behavior. I only know this from my own experience.

Scissor · 02/01/2022 03:42

Swap him for a spaniel, they can look very sad. Then you give them a biscuit and they really love you. Much better for your mental health.

Pinkbonbon · 02/01/2022 03:58

So if I repeatedly kick a puppy and then look sad about it whenever someone tells me it's wrong, does that mean I'm not a bad person?

Your partner is a scumball.

He is not sorry. Everything is all about him. And, he hates you.

Wake up and get out.

Weatherwax13 · 02/01/2022 04:56

Say fuck off. Really loudly. Show the training hasn't worked. IME when close family don't like your partner it's usually for good reason. I'm sure you'd have their support if you split up

meteoric · 02/01/2022 05:34

I'm not sure if talking will work (if your goal is fixing his behaviour or the issues).

If you do try again, remember that his sadness probably isn't faked, on some level he'll be genuinely hurt and tearful (which will make you feel awful as you're not a sociopath) - but remember that he always does and never changes. It's not penitence or guilt or love. It's because somewhere in his psyche he's being Told Off By Mummy Again and he doesn't like it.

Take some slow deep breaths (count to 4, hold for 4, release for 6) and do not react.

If necessary don't look right at him.

And brace yourself. When you ignore the waterworks, he'll probably get very angry because it's worked every time before, and then give you the silent treatment or sulks and everything else to make you fall in line too.

DileenODoubts · 02/01/2022 05:55

How does he respond to your (genuinely) sad face when he’s being horrible to you?
Why do you think the sadness or guilt he feels is too much for him to handle when you’re expected to handle much harder emotions and pain from his actions without complaint?
It’s good you’re beginning to see that it’s manipulation, he’s sad for himself that he has to sit with uncomfortable feelings not because he’s hurt you. When someone is genuinely sorry they try hard to stop it happening again

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2022 06:02

Leave so you don’t have to look at his face anymore

He clearly doesn’t care about making you unhappy

SimpsonsXmasBoogie · 02/01/2022 06:04

Change the locks. Look at a nice picture of some flowers instead. Problem solved.

ThirdElephant · 02/01/2022 06:05

He does 'really awful' things to you- have some self respect and leave the bastard. He can make sad faces at the closed door you leave behind you.

MadinMarch · 02/01/2022 06:17

What are the really awful things he does to you?

SmallElephant · 02/01/2022 06:22

You keep reminding yourself to judge him on what he does, not how he looks or what he says. Then you leave him and seek therapy to find out why you let him treat you badly.

newyearBear · 02/01/2022 06:52

Why is he looking sad?
Is it to pretend he feels sorry for the things he has said and done to you?
What's his reaction to you when you look sad?