Feel trained to stay quiet by husband

[OrlaKc]

Husband says and does really awful things to me and yet I feel awful when I see the sad/upset look on his face when I try talk to him about it. My family think he is a controlling, selfish person for the most part and they only see the outwardly side of him.. Without going into detail with examples, how can I stop feeling bad when I see the sad puppy face?
Thanks

The best father to his children is a man who loves their mother. This man is a manipulator and a sadist.

He's not a great dad, he's a parasite who is sucking you dry and your child is watching him do it.

The sad face thing works like this - he does something awful. You try to hold him accountable for it. He pulls a sad face as if that gives him a licence to do whatever he likes without your feelings about it being valid.

@Deadringer

Why do women always say that these pricks are terrific dads? You had to beg him not to wake the baby, again, after he came in drunk, again. He doesn't support his dc, he doesn't cook for them, or clean up after them, he pisses off at night and gets drunk, and worst of all he abuses their mum. How low is the bar for fathers? Get some help irl and get away from this abusive arsehole asap.

Please read this OP and really let it sink in. He’s not a good dad, you’re saying that because if you admitted the truth which is he is a shit dad as well as a crap partner you’d have to confront that not only does he abuse you, he’s also rubbish to the DC.

And then you would have to take action. Which is what you should do for yourself as well as DC.

Decide that you deserve way better than this controlling scumbag. Because you do

How can he be a terrific Dad if he doesn’t care about waking his baby, abuses his baby’s mother, doesn’t help keep the baby’s home clean and tidy, spends several nights a week at the pub instead of caring for the baby? He sounds like a horrible parent.

If you can’t leave for your sake then please leave for the sake of your child.

Yeah I'm starting to see the light. All these comments are really helpful.

He came home pissed last night and went to bed. He was literally unconscious. Found my little girl crying as she tried to wake him or crawl onto him in bed and she said he pushed her and she fell on the floor. She said he wouldn't wake up. I felt awful about it. He has said sorry to her today and keeps asking me 'are you alright?' as I'm just silent at this point.

@OrlaKc

Yeah I'm starting to see the light. All these comments are really helpful.

He came home pissed last night and went to bed. He was literally unconscious. Found my little girl crying as she tried to wake him or crawl onto him in bed and she said he pushed her and she fell on the floor. She said he wouldn't wake up. I felt awful about it. He has said sorry to her today and keeps asking me 'are you alright?' as I'm just silent at this point.

How old is your DD? Is this how you want her to view men and relationships when she’s older? How will you feel if she is in a relationship like yours when she is an adult because this is all she’s ever seen and known?

How would you feel if she had hit her head or been seriously hurt when her drunk father pushed her off the bed? How would you explain that to social services?

Please leave to protect your daughter.

The worst he's done lately is come home drunk and pin my head to the bed with his because I told him not to wake the baby again. He goes out drinking about 3 nights a week and the rest plays his games.
That is not a great Dad or husband, he spends no time with you or DC he's always out or drunk 🤔
You worked and he sat at home doing nothing for 2yrs, didn't even do the shopping 😒
I think you know that this is not a good relationship but need to be strong enough to end it, for your own mental wellbeing OP. ⚘

Alcoholics don't change unless they want to. You have to protect yourself and your daughter. If you choose to make an ultimatum otherwise you will leave, you must stick 100% to it.

He sounds horrible. Listen to your family.

A terrific father is not one who occasionally plays with or talks to his children. Or who likes them mutually.

He is abusive to both you and his daughter.

Please leave this man.

If you contact Woman’s Aid or your local domestic violence organisation they will help and support you and your DC. (They don’t just deal with physical abuse situations.) They will understand, but will not push you into anything.

They will understand the whole sad face thing, designed to make you feel at the very least confused.

Do not tell your partner you are speaking to them.

You will be able to change your life. In time, do the Freedom Programme and get counselling.

If you need to get support from someone you know and trust, ask to speak urgently to a GP or Health Visitor.

Women’s Aid helpline at the bottom of this page. Just because Refuge is mentioned doesn’t mean you have to be asking to enter a refuge, they’ll help you work out the best solution for you.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

If you went out drinking and got so drunk you passed out and pushed your DD off the bed when she tried to wake you, would you call yourself a terrific mum?

He’s an abusive husband and father. You can solve the problem of not having to look at his face by leaving. I know you must be really exhausted by this - but you can’t do it for you do it for the kids, your daughter is already being seriously damaged by this situation.

Contact women’s aid on Tuesday. Also start gathering all financial info for both of you (mortgage, savings, pension) if you can and either of you have these things. Women’s aid will help you leave. Do not talk to him until you are ready to go. Lean on your family to help — it sounds like they will.

Now you are starting to see what he’s really like, you will notice so much more.

Absolutely your eyes have been opened and you’ll notice much more that you probably didn’t even realise was dysfunctional.

This man is not a good father. Look at how he treated your DD.

Leave him.

Bloody hell, why do you put up with this OP?

You can’t imagine how to leave?

Easy. You keep your life like it is but wo him there.
Nothing will change for you apart from not being constantly put down by him, nit having to clean his pants and cook him a meal.
You’ll have more money (no money wasted in alcohol).

Listen to your family. They see it as it is. He is controlling and as you said yourself has trained you to be quiet and accept his crap.
Time to wake up.

Your family is right. He’s controlling you and the sad face is all part of the control.
There’s a very small chance of him changing ( 1%) There’s a 99% chance he’ll get more controlling, more nasty, more violent.
Get out while you can.

Are your family nearby? Can you take your DC and go to your family? You need to get you and your DC away from him and quickly.

Also I suspect that if you were starting to talk to your family and ask for help they would quickly rally around you.
Ask for help in RL.
Make the change real by talking to others.
And tell him to move out.

“Found my little girl crying as she tried to wake him or crawl onto him in bed and she said he pushed her and she fell on the floor. “

That is NOT a great dad. That is an abusive,violent man.
Are you waiting for him to injure your child? Push her downstairs?
Protect yourself and your child/children now.

He is a terrific dad and a mean husband.

A terrific dad?

Found my little girl crying as she tried to wake him or crawl onto him in bed and she said he pushed her and she fell on the floor. She said he wouldn't wake up.

He's a shit dad.

Good dads don't abuse and frighten the mother of their children by the way. Ever. They don't ever do that.

You must start to get your head about the fact that you can't stay in this relationship.

You have a little girl. The longer you stay with her dad and live as a couple, the more likely it is she will replicate this relationship herself as an adult.

Could you live with yourself if in 20 years you're witnessing men speak to her the way your 'partner' speaks to you?

Stop fooling yourself. He is not a great dad. Great dads don't control, belittle and manipulate their partners. They work. They contribute and they add value to your life. Listen to your family and stop kidding yourself.

I’ve read some things on here but this has to be one of the worst - I don’t think you realise how bad it actually is OP!

It’s not normal for your partner who supposedly likes/loves you to pin your head down.

Would you do this to a child?
Would you accept him doing this to a child or animal?
Would he do this to one of his friends that he actually likes?
Would a work colleague or stranger do this to you?

That is not how you treat people.
He obviously doesn’t like you if he treats you this way. Why stay with someone who doesn’t even like you?