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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel trained to stay quiet by husband

93 replies

OrlaKc · 02/01/2022 02:07

Husband says and does really awful things to me and yet I feel awful when I see the sad/upset look on his face when I try talk to him about it. My family think he is a controlling, selfish person for the most part and they only see the outwardly side of him.. Without going into detail with examples, how can I stop feeling bad when I see the sad puppy face?
Thanks

OP posts:

ThirdElephant · 02/01/2022 06:54

@newyearBear

Why is he looking sad? Is it to pretend he feels sorry for the things he has said and done to you? What's his reaction to you when you look sad?

He's looking sad because he finds it gets him off the hook and then he can continue to treat OP like dirt, I reckon.

HomeTheatreSystem · 02/01/2022 06:54

If you had a daughter whose husband treated her in this way, would you feel worried about what she was having to deal with or would you think it was a normal, loving, respectful and healthy relationship?

supercali77 · 02/01/2022 07:47

This might sound ... different? I had the same sort of problem but I really needed to force the controlling abusive arse to move out of my house. I went to hypnotherapy. I basically told her exactly the situation and that I wanted to not turn back when I saw the sad face. She worked with me over 2 sessions. It was actually quite funny looking back. I got him out of the house, at christmas of all times. I wouldnt say it completely stopped me feeling doubt but it changed the hold it had over me.

GoodnightGrandma · 02/01/2022 07:48

You are in an abusive marriage.
Walk out and go to your family, then set a divorce in motion.

Dozer · 02/01/2022 07:50

In the mirror, what does YOUR face show?

Suggest reading information for women in abusive relationships and seeking help.

Lovelymincepies · 02/01/2022 07:52

Leave! The fact your family has jet it known yo you that they don’t like him, shows what a vile prick he is.

He’s abusive.

BigGreen · 02/01/2022 07:55

You go to counselling to explore why you might be choosing to prioritise someone else's feelings over your own.

StrongSunglasses · 02/01/2022 08:12

He sounds awful and his puppy technique is part of the abuse/manipulation/control.

My ex used to try this and I’d just laugh in his face; it’s so pathetic and obvious. I used to call it his “little boy blue” face… funnily enough he’d immediately snap out of it.

Ultimately, it’s not the face you need to learn to ignore, it’s the abuse/control that you need to learn to address/remove yourself from.

StrongSunglasses · 02/01/2022 08:14

(From the nursery rhyme)

BrilliantBetty · 02/01/2022 08:15

It is all part of the cycle of abuse.

Can you consider his actions, what he has actually done and said rather than how he feels sorry about it afterwards.

They always cry and love bomb afterwards to keep you on their hook.

AuntieStella · 02/01/2022 08:25

What sort of awful things is he saying and doing?

What are you hoping to achieve by talking to him?

It might be better to recognise that your feelings when you are aware he's manipulating you (by using that set of facial expressions) are ones on which you should act to remove the cause, not a behaviour you should change.

Rabblemum · 02/01/2022 08:26

Leave, this situation sounds so nasty. He is minipulating you into thinking his emotioms are more important than yours,this is evil.

Get therapy for yourself too, there must be someting in your childhood that stopped you telling this man to fuck off a while back.

Yuledo · 02/01/2022 08:52

@newyearBear

Why is he looking sad? Is it to pretend he feels sorry for the things he has said and done to you? What's his reaction to you when you look sad?

This

Original poster

OrlaKc · 02/01/2022 13:18

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm surprised by the number of replies.

The worst he's done lately is come home drunk and pin my head to the bed with his because I told him not to wake the baby again. He goes out drinking about 3 nights a week and the rest plays his games. He didn't work for close to 2 years as he took redundancy pre covid and really couldn't find work/wouldn't do any old 9-5 job. I worked those 2 years full whilst he was off. His own mum said you'd think he would have cooked dinners or cleaned more considering. Often he'd go out when I got home and I'd realise we have no milk or tissue etc. He is a terrific dad and a mean husband. I think he's the funniest and smartest man I've ever met but lately I've noticed all his jokes are at my expense.

I just can't imagine how to actually leave him.

OP posts:

Concestor · 02/01/2022 13:23

He is not a terrific dad. No one who is abusive is a great dad. He sounds horrendous.
Please speak to women's aid and your family and get out.

user15364596354862 · 02/01/2022 13:25

That's not a terrific dad. Did you mean to say terrible dad?

I hope you seek support from Women's Aid and leave him.

BlwyddynNewydd2022 · 02/01/2022 13:27

The "sad face" is just emotional control.

Just leave the worthless sack of shit and move on with your life. He can be a "great dad" every other weekend if he wants.

You can clearly manage alone, because you are. You do everything. Fuck him off, live your life.

Men are not a necessity for life. They are just men, who more often than not are worthless piles of drama and immaturity.

Women don't need men, men need women due to their inability to actually wipe their own arses 70% of the time.

user15364596354862 · 02/01/2022 13:28

You don't need to be able to imagine how to leave him or see the whole path. That's too big and too overwhelming for anybody to think about at once.

All you need to do is take one step at a time towards that goal. That gets you there. One single step then another and another.

First step is acknowledging to yourself that you need and intend to leave.

SmallElephant · 02/01/2022 13:30

He is not a terrific dad. He's a lazy abusive arsehole who thinks it's okay to hurt his wife.

ninnynonny · 02/01/2022 13:31

Oh good lord. He is not, as has been mentioned, a terrific dad, or a good husband in any way shape or form. I was in a subtly and obviously abusive relationship and didn't see it for a long time after I'd left to be honest, so you won't be seeing it at the moment, but you really do need to do something to stop yourself believing this is somehow ok and he can be changed. He really can't.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/01/2022 13:32

He is NOT a terrific dad, what made you at all write that about him?. A man who abuses his child’s mother is NOT a good dad, not even close.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Is he really the funniest and smartest man you’ve ever met, I would say no he’s not. That’s you in denial and otherwise putting a gloss on things.

Your relationship bar this low, because he’s ground you down over the years to accept and otherwise condone this abuse directed at you.
You have a choice re this man, the child here does not.

Women’s Aid would be helpful to you here and I would urge you to contact them.

Deadringer · 02/01/2022 13:32

Why do women always say that these pricks are terrific dads? You had to beg him not to wake the baby, again, after he came in drunk, again. He doesn't support his dc, he doesn't cook for them, or clean up after them, he pisses off at night and gets drunk, and worst of all he abuses their mum. How low is the bar for fathers? Get some help irl and get away from this abusive arsehole asap.

Purplewithred · 02/01/2022 13:34

I just can't imagine how to actually leave him.

Well, you're in the right place for help with that.

Are you married?
do you own your home or rent? whose names are on the paperwork if you're not married?
how old are the children?
it sounds as though you already work?

Anordinarymum · 02/01/2022 13:37

OP He is a terrific nothing.

He is a pig and you should find a better wat to live before your child is as scarred as you are and has his mind invaded by this person who has made you feel like you can't imagine how to leave him.

Crabwoman · 02/01/2022 13:38

If you can't leave for you, leave for your kids. He may be a 'terrific dad' but your children will be picking up on behaviour and will do one of two things,

Hate you for staying with him

Think that is an acceptable way to behave in a relationship.

Ask yourself how you would feel if your son was pinning his future partners head down and leeching off them financially.

Or of you have a daughter, how you would feel if someone did that to her, but she stayed because she felt sorry for him.

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