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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel trained to stay quiet by husband

93 replies

OrlaKc · 02/01/2022 02:07

Husband says and does really awful things to me and yet I feel awful when I see the sad/upset look on his face when I try talk to him about it. My family think he is a controlling, selfish person for the most part and they only see the outwardly side of him.. Without going into detail with examples, how can I stop feeling bad when I see the sad puppy face?
Thanks

OP posts:

Shedmistress · 02/01/2022 15:11

I mean, you could just keep letting him knock your daughter about and pin your head to the bed. Or leave.

What are your housing options? Can you go stay with family?

WonderfulYou · 02/01/2022 15:11

Why do women always say that these pricks are terrific dads? You had to beg him not to wake the baby, again, after he came in drunk, again. He doesn't support his dc, he doesn't cook for them, or clean up after them, he pisses off at night and gets drunk, and worst of all he abuses their mum. How low is the bar for fathers? Get some help irl and get away from this abusive arsehole asap.

👏👏

It actually really pisses me off when people say this.
Or say they don’t want to leave because of the ‘kids’.
It’s the kids who ultimately suffer the most.

Franklyfrost · 02/01/2022 15:11

He’s not a terrific dad. He hurts his child. He hurts the mother of his child. He’s a shit dad. And also a colossal ease of space.

The good news is, once you get through the initial break, life will be so much better without him. Do it now and start 2022 off in the right direction. And please please don’t get pregnant.

billy1966 · 02/01/2022 15:16

Your poor child.

What an utterly miserable childhood.

How about you think about her and the impact of having a drunken, violent, abusive father is having on her.

She will probably end up with a loser, just like you have.

I feel so sorry for the lives of children like yours.

They really don't have a chance in life when their mothers put staying with losers like him first.

So sad.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/01/2022 15:21

Read your last post again and ask yourself again if he's "a terrific dad".

JanglyBeads · 02/01/2022 15:26

Please stop this victim blaming.

You have no idea what kind of life she has had and only a little window into what's happening for her now.

She has had enough of people bossing her around, and needs support and empathy to encourage her to take some very scary steps for her and her DD.

You can do it @OrlaKc.

TheWeeDonkey · 02/01/2022 15:32

He is a terrific dad

I think he's the funniest and smartest man I've ever met

He goes out drinking about 3 nights a week and the rest plays his games

He didn't work for close to 2 years as he took redundancy pre covid and.....wouldn't do any old 9-5 job

His own mum said you'd think he would have cooked dinners or cleaned more considering

Often he'd go out when I got home and I'd realise we have no milk or tissue etc

Found my little girl crying as she tried to wake him or crawl onto him in bed and she said he pushed her and she fell on the floor.

all his jokes are at my expense.

OP you say he's an amazing guy but all I see is an abusive alcoholic cocklodger.

booksandballet · 02/01/2022 16:08

OP, I know it's scary and overwhelming. I've been in your shoes. Friends were tearing their hair out trying to get me to see sense and I still couldn't bring myself to leave.

Ask yourself this: if you were doing the exact same things as your partner, would you consider yourself to be a good mum? If not, why not? Why is it different for him?

If you can't leave for your own sake, do it for your baby's.

TheCatShatInTheHat · 02/01/2022 16:31

Leave for your poor daughter. She doesn't have any choices - you have to protect her.

Ellie56 · 02/01/2022 16:53

I think he's the funniest and smartest man I've ever met

Yeah right.

The worst he's done lately is come home drunk and pin my head to the bed with his because I told him not to wake the baby again.

He goes out drinking about 3 nights a week and the rest plays his games

He didn't work for close to 2 years as he took redundancy pre covid and.....wouldn't do any old 9-5 job

His own mum said you'd think he would have cooked dinners or cleaned more considering

Often he'd go out when I got home and I'd realise we have no milk or tissue etc

How is any of this funny or smart? Even his own mother doesn't rate him. And that really says something.

He is a terrific dad

Found my little girl crying as she tried to wake him or crawl onto him in bed and she said he pushed her and she fell on the floor.

Terrific dads don't push their kids away and hurt them. Terrific dads don't have to be told not to wake the baby. Terrific dads don't let the family run out of milk and other essentials when they've been at home all day. Terrific dads don't doss around instead of working to provide for their family. And terrific dads definitely don't abuse the mother of their children.

Stop looking at his stupid sad face and and start getting angry about the shitty way he treats you and your kids.

He is an abusive arsehole and a vile horrible shit dad. Growing up in an abusive home is really damaging for children and you need to protect your children from this, which means either leaving or kicking him out.

Start by asking your family for help or contacting Women's Aid. www.womensaid.org.uk/

Good luck @OrlaKc . You know you and your kids deserve better than this.

MzHz · 02/01/2022 16:58

You know what he is and what he’s doing

You know what you need to do, do it. Leave him

tillyandmilly · 02/01/2022 17:04

Get out now! Pinning your head to the bed with his? You realise you are being physically and mentally abused and you don’t have to put up with this! You are worth more than this!

eagerlywaitingfor · 02/01/2022 17:23

@OrlaKc

How do you think he feels when he sees the sad/upset look on your face when he's been abusing you?

Do you think he feels bad? Because I don't. I think he enjoys what he does to you.

NowEvenBetter · 02/01/2022 17:31

Can your kid go and live somewhere safe as long as you’re with the abuser? Your kid is old enough to speak, I hope she’s able to express her dreadful life to someone who can report it to social services or the police. She has no choice, someone needs to step in and remove these kids from the abuser. No excuse for child abuse.

Straighttalking1 · 02/01/2022 19:53

how can I stop feeling bad when I see the sad puppy face?

Easy, just don't look at his face when you lay the law down. He's a sh@#, tell him about himself and take no more of it.

HairyFanjoBanjo · 02/01/2022 20:33

Surely OP you cannot be this much in denial as to call this absolute cunt a terrific dad?!

Please for godsake leave. You will only regret the years you’ve wasted your one life on this utter scumbag.

Lozzerbmc · 02/01/2022 20:56

If he’s a terrific dad what do you think a bad dad would be like… i dread to think. Seriously you need to hatch a plan to leave this monstrous man and do it soon

lifesgoodwithlg · 03/01/2022 20:25

Terrific dad's don't come home drunk and push their daughters on the ground, terrific dad's don't hurt and abuse their children's mother. I am glad you are seeing the light, puppy dog eyes my arse, you deserve better and even if you dont realise this, your daughter deserves a better example otherwise she will chose a man just like her father. Please reach out to your family. Sending mammy hugs, you are stronger than you believe

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