More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

It’s like he dropped a rock in your lake - there was a huge splash at first, but you’ve got to remember that causes ripples… They are getting weaker and further apart, and will stop altogether at some point, but you’ll always be left with a flipping rock in/under the water. That’s ok, as the water fits itself round it, weeds and things grow on it, and eventually it’s just another part of the landscape.

Keep riding out those ripples when they come, you’re doing just fine.

@Sunbird24

It’s like he dropped a rock in your lake - there was a huge splash at first, but you’ve got to remember that causes ripples… They are getting weaker and further apart, and will stop altogether at some point, but you’ll always be left with a flipping rock in/under the water. That’s ok, as the water fits itself round it, weeds and things grow on it, and eventually it’s just another part of the landscape.

Keep riding out those ripples when they come, you’re doing just fine.

Well said!

@MoreLegsThanMe

It's all a matter of time. And no two people recover in the same way or in the same timeframe. Don't get down on yourself for perfectly normal feelings.

I always fall back on the line from Tootsie "I'm gonna feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore". As long as you simply acknowledge the feeling but carry on (which you are doing), you'll continue to move forward.

Thank you x

It’s just happened again. In the middle of a long post, the screen seemed to refresh itself, and my post disappeared. Maybe for the best because I was away on another self-pitying rant. I hate myself when I’m like this. I hate self-pity and childishness, especially in myself. They’re no exactly attractive traits.

@Sunbird24 thank you for that analogy. It’s very accurate.

I can’t see why I still have these moments though. I can’t imagine ExH has any such feelings, nor any guilt or regret. And yet I’m still such a long long way from being happy all the time.

I am happy with Mr NM though. I feel very safe and content there. I even sleep better. I haven’t been in touch with him this weekend. It’s his contact time with his DS and I’ve always felt that I should respect that and not intrude even if it’s just a message. Does that sound okay? Or would you message regardless?

I haven’t achieved much today. I ironed DS’s school trousers and this afternoon DD3, DD4, DS and I all tried to repair some broken fence. It was so so heavy, but it’s back in place and hopefully it may last a while. Teamwork!

I’ve also made a start on my search for a four-legged friend. I have forms to print and fill in for a couple of the breed rescues I’m interested in, and I need to ring the third rescue. I figure I may as well do this to get on waiting lists for a rescue dog. Puppies seem to be next to impossible to come by.

I just wish so much that I could say I’m 100% happy and looking forward. But I’m really not. Hopefully this is just a blip and I’ll get over it. I’m just such an idiot.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe It's fine to have days when you rant about the past abd everything that has happened.
Keeping everything in leads to breakdowns.

I don't message my partner at weekends when he has his son. If he messages me I reply but I don't start the messaging in case I'm intruding. It works for us.

It’s absolutely natural to have these moments, you were enormously traumatised and mustn’t underestimate the mental strain and the damage he caused to you. Our brains deliberately store strong memories of events that caused us huge stress and triggered our survival mode, it’s a biological imprint to help us recognise danger. Anything can be a trigger, anything at all that calls to mind the things that harmed us, even when we are doing well, are happy or having a great time. Triggers can be places, a picture of a place, a song, sound, smell, even a passing thought can make the brain give us the same feelings as if the past traumatic event, no matter how long ago it happened, it could be years, is happening right now.
It doesn’t mean you’re not getting better, or you are stuck, it means simply that something tripped a trigger which tripped a biological mechanism in your brain.
It’s hard to separate the horrible feelings and memories generated from being just a switch flipping in your brain, but honestly Legs, that’s all it is. When it happens try to reduce it to that, a biological blip. Try to distract yourself from the seductive call to follow the thoughts and feelings down into the pit (this is a huge struggle, I know it’s easier to say than do from personal experience ) by doing something else, you can’t stop the trigger or the emotions generated, so don’t try to stop it, it’s a useless fight, but the good news is that our brains have plasticity and the more you practise turning away, reading a book, making a cuppa or going or a walk and mindfully noticing your surroundings, the more the brain will learn that actually, the harmful event is past and no longer harmful.
Practising this when triggers occur, (not always succeeding, it’s bloody hard so if you end up following it down the hole, obsessing and crying don’t beat yourself up, talk about it on here and get your support) over time will honestly lessen the response.
Accept the triggers just like a cloud passing over the sun on a lovely day. Clouds don’t mean it isn’t a lovely day, and they pass by and the sun comes out again. If lots of clouds gather and threaten rain, then don’t fight it, you can’t stop it. Let the storm rage and pass and know that the rain, whilst not welcome on a lovely day, means growth and renewal and is never permanent.
It’s just clouds, Legs. You’re doing fine. XXX

Losing posts has happened so often I now compose them in word then copy and paste!

Well done on repairing the fence, fantastic family teamwork.

I think not contacting Mr NM is right, it shows that you respect his time with his DS and I'm sure he is appreciative of that. Also I would follow his lead, so the fact that he doesn't contact you on those weekends tells you that you are doing the right thing.

Very exciting to hear about your start on the search for a rescue dog.

Thank you so much x

@Thewookiemustgo you have it exactly. And I know you too speak from personal experience. I guess I just thought being divorced would tie up all the loose ends in a pretty bow and then that would be that. I wasn’t expecting to keep finding frayed ends too.

I suppose I’ll never be the same again, will I. Or is that overdramatic? In a way it’s like the person I was just ceased to exist the day he left. Absolutely everything in my whole life was just gone. Just like that. I wonder sometimes how I’ve got through until now. From the outside nobody could ever tell how I’m feeling on the inside..

Sometimes I feel like I’m going backwards!

I have things to do this week to keep me busy. One of the things I promised I’d sort this year is the garden, or really the grass. I have a man coming out next Monday to do scary surgery on it, so as soon as the wind calms down and it’s a bit drier I need to go out and cut it in readiness. I’m hoping that might be tomorrow.

When I’m busy busy I’m not thinking or brooding, or feeling sorry for myself. That always comes at this time of day sadly. But I at least expect it now.

The worst nighttime thoughts are the ones I have of ExH and Muttley together. They still have the power to reduce me to such upset. It’s scary still. This is why I do look forward to being with Mr NM. It’s a cliche but I do feel safe there, and I find myself not caring what ExH and Muttley are doing.

I’m so sorry, this has turned into another whine fest hasn’t it. Now how did that happen..

x

Legs I’d be exactly the same.
I don’t think you’re being over dramatic, you won’t be the same again, but maybe you don’t want to be? Not being the same doesn’t equate with never feeling at peace, content or happy again. I’m not the same after my husband’s infidelity. But I’ve grown and learned stuff I needed to learn.
My world view is different, I’m nowhere near as idealistic as I now know I was. I don’t view being different as a bad thing, however. I’ve grown from it and realised my own strength, I’m no longer a people pleaser or a ‘cool wife’ and I know what I want my life to be and who I want in it.
I know I’d like to trust people more, and I’ll get there. I went through a very dark period of not trusting my judgment, not trusting my perception of my own reality, (once I realised that what l thought was my marriage continuing normally and happily was actually what my husband was hiding behind, I couldn’t believe I hadn’t somehow realised), not trusting that one day of my life would follow another with any kind of predictability ever again. Everything solid and stable turned to quicksand under my feet, I didn’t know who he was any more or what my life had been, was in the present or would be in the future.
It’s very destabilising Legs, and recovery, whether you stay or your relationship ends, is a rollercoaster and it’s hard to keep going back down when you think you’re doing well and in the way up. Hold the bar and ride the bloody thing, Legs. Like all rollercoaster rides, it will end and you’ll realise you got off.
Don’t beat yourself up about the downs, you’re just replaying it to process it and understand it better, it’s a normal thing for your brain to do. It’s not whinging, you’ve every right to be angry with the amoral people who caused you this pain, it’s their shame to bear and always remember that you are far above them, they aren’t worth the steam from your tea.
Easy for me to say, but hang in there Legs, it’s a long hard road out of this but you’re on your way, each step along is one less. Sending love X

Thank you Wookie x

You could be me! Your post was just how I feel. I trust nobody really now. Having said that, strangely enough I do trust Mr NM. He knows my back story and has told me he’ll never lie to me. So really there’s him, and my DC. I trust nobody else and I forever blame ExH for that

DS told me last night that he wants to change his surname and use my maiden name instead. We had a talk about it and he does seem set on it. He says he doesn’t want his father’s name any more. He doesn’t want it on his GCSE certificates or his A level certificates, or his degree. I felt upset that he hadn’t come to me sooner if I’m honest, only because I felt bad that he’d kept it to himself for a while all through his mock GCSEs when he had enough to worry about.

It’s easy enough to do. I can draw up the change of name deed tomorrow. It’s a measure of his maturity I guess, that he’s thought it through and wants to do it. But he should never have had to.

He does seem okay in himself though. He was quite matter-of-fact about it and isn’t showing any signs of being unhappy or anything like that. I don’t know, I seem to spend my life worrying about them all!

It’s ExH’s birthday in a couple of days. Please God let there not be any deliveries of cake….

x

No, you will never be the same again. But the person you were hasn't 'ceased' to exist', she's just changed. But that's not necessarily a 'bad' thing. You're much wiser and much stronger and more resilient. You're also probably more tolerant and patient. You've been through the fire and remember that fire tempers steel and makes it stronger.

I think there was a thread fairly recently from another poster whose DC wanted to ditch their DF’s surname and take their DM’s maiden name (or another family name) instead but I can’t remember the outcome - does the ‘D’F have to give permission if they’re under 18?

@Sunbird24

I think there was a thread fairly recently from another poster whose DC wanted to ditch their DF’s surname and take their DM’s maiden name (or another family name) instead but I can’t remember the outcome - does the ‘D’F have to give permission if they’re under 18?

I don't think so, no. I had a pupil who changed her surname at 16. Her dad had no contact with her at this point.

That’s good to hear, sorry if that was a deraily question

Thank you x

The Deed is drawn and ready for signature. Very strictly speaking ExH should know and approve but he is vanishingly unlikely to even know it’s happening so…I don’t know how he’d feel even if he did know. I used to believe I knew how he thought about things but I couldn’t have been more wrong could I. I imagine he’d just go into self-pitying mode and blame it all on me.

It’s ExH’s birthday today. I admit I’ve wondered how he and Muttley spent it. No doubt his blow-up appendage will see some action tonight.

I just sometimes feel so fucking lonely. It’ll just hit me out of the blue. Mr NM is great at making me feel better, but when I’m not with him I still get these desperate feelings of just wanting to be held and told it’ll all be alright. Sometimes I don’t want to do all this and have such responsibility bearing down on me. I don’t want to have to fix things and hump heavy fences about. I just want to be all girly and weak and pathetic and sit on the sofa in a tea dress.

Maybe that’s why he likes Muttley. Although she’s half my height and twice my width she strikes me as the weakling type. Maybe I’m just not feminine enough anymore.

At the end of the week I take DD4 to Open Day for her chosen university so she can look round and do all the bits and pieces, see halls etc. It’s University of Exeter but the Cornwall campus at Penryn, so right at the other end of the country. We’ll go down on Friday and have a B&B booked, then do the day and leave for home about 4.00. I’m not looking forward to the driving! DD3 also went there and loved her time so has been giving DD4 tips already. ExH doesn’t know anything about it. If he did the decent thing to do would be to offer to share costs, but he wouldn’t ever offer.

It’s bringing it home to me that, come September, DD4 will fly the nest and it will just be me and DS. It just seems five minutes ago that she was born….

I may see Mr NM on the Sunday after we get back, depending on how knackered I feel.
Of course he might have plans that weekend anyway, so I’ll just wait and see on the day.

I can’t take in how different my life felt three years ago today. Everything was different. But then I also think he was lying to me then wasn’t he. Nothing was real in my life. Nothing. And I still feel ashamed, embarrassed, and very very stupid that I didn’t know. He accepted all the birthday cards and presents quite happily, but clearly his mind was elsewhere.

I don’t know if he knows or cares that he has ruined my life, blown apart the DCs’ relationships with him, and caused his own DF so much unhappiness.

Happy birthday you bastard bellend.

x

Fingers crossed there’s no delivery of squashed cake this year…
Keep on keeping on, you’re doing just fine

Hi Legs.

That anger, lonliness and just wanting to be held all completely normal, it's like coming off from an addiction. An addiction that you know is bad for you but nevertheless withdrawl symptoms have to be ridden through.

It will get easier and then better.

You sound as thouugh you are doing a remarkably good job with the children, holding it all together and you've done it all. I must admit if I were him I'd feel heart snubbed at his son's decision to change his name. Your son sounds like he knows his own mind.

You have a wonderful family, he has nothing.
x

I changed my name as soon as I was legally old enough Legs. It was a significant turning point in my life psychology. I know you have other kids, and your identity has been Mrs ExLegs for such a long time, but have you thought about it too?

I agree the feelings of loneliness and wanting to be 'taken care of' are normal. We all feel that way at times, married or not. But "what cannot be cured must be endured" if we're to remain mentally healthy and strong. And that will come to you, in time, because you are determined to be the captain of your own ship. You will soon learn to 'comfort yourself' in those moments of need.

But I know someone who has taken taken the mindset of 'wanting to be taken care of' to the nth degree. She's been divorced for decades and has over the years developed a huge sense of helplessness and entitlement. She convinces herself that she 'just can't' do and expects others to sort it out for her. She now expects her friends, her children, and even shops to 'do for her' and gets upset when they won't. Such and such market won't deliver to her? Well, they should because she 'can't' drive in the city centre. Her son can't come put up a picture right now? Well he should because she 'can't' use a power screwdriver. A friend wouldn't do her taxes for her? Well they should be cause she's 'incapable' of doing them herself. And she leans on her children too heavily for emotional support when they are struggling to establish themselves in careers and raise young families. To the extent that she expects one or the other of them to run to her and give comfort for every little upset or bout of loneliness. She's had a few relationships but they've all ended because she was too demanding of the man's time, both emotionally and physically (doing her 'stuff' for her). She wasn't always this way and right after her divorce she was one kick-ass lady. Somehow it's rather crept up on her in the years since.

I love her and she has given me love and support through difficult times and I support her emotionally, too. But it's easier for me as I live 600 miles away. It's funny, but she lives in a wonderful area and DH and I had said how we'd like to live there as it has 'everything'. But I told him that as it stands I wouldn't move within 150 miles of her. She already made remarks (when complaining about others) that she knew that if we lived there DH and I would be very happy to drive her everywhere, do her DIY, manage her paperwork etc.

@MoreLegsThanMe long time lurker here. I hope that DD4 enjoys her university campus visit. It is only a couple of miles from where I live, and on the site of a convent (I should know as I went there many years ago). I don't blame you for not wanting to do the drive as it will be a long journey. There is only one main road in Cornwall, A30, so it shouldn't be too bad, then off on the A39 :) Btw I have been following your threads for ages, so you should be proud of what you have achieved.

Have been lucky enough to travel all over the world, but Cornwall (north coast especially) has my heart. Use the opportunity to get yourself by the sea and feel the openness of the sky and the ocean. I always feel like I can breathe again on a big beach with sky above me and endless sea ahead. So good for perspective and stress levels.
It’s a long way for your daughter but our next door neighbour’s daughter went there, finished last year, she absolutely loved it and they saw it as a good excuse to have weekends away on visits.
Hope you enjoy the coming weekend. X

Thank you all so much.

ExH messaged the DC today to let them know he had Covid. Quite why he bothered is beyond me. I imagine he was looking for sympathy. Where was he when we were all so desperately poorly in December? He never asked even once how the DC were (I wouldn’t have expected him to ask about me).

@Sunbird24 no cake, at least not so far. If he’s poorly though Muttley is probably too busy taking care of him and he’s probably loving it.

@Onthedunes DS hasn’t mentioned anything to his father. I feel good in myself that I’ve honoured his wish and that he need no longer be known by his father’s name.

Should I/DS tell him, do you think? So that he can address DS’s birthday card properly next month? I can’t decide if it’s better he knows or if he doesn’t know.

@Justilou1 I thought about reverting to my maiden name right at the beginning. Then I thought I’d stay as I am so that the three DC who have his name would have a mother with the same name. Since DS’s decision though, I’ve started thinking about it again. My passport is expired and so would be a perfect opportunity to change now. At the very start I desperately wanted to keep “his” name. I’d spent thirty-eight years known by it and changing was unthinkable, But now I think it’s on the cards, definitely.

@AcrossthePond55 I hope I’m nothing like your friend. I’m completely independent and have learnt so much over this time. It’s just a pang I get now and again that I don’t want to be solely responsible for everything and I just want to be looked after for a bit. Sad but true!

@lorn195 and @Thewookiemustgo I’ve done this drive a good few times now. I did it before the A30 was turned into a dual carriageway, and that was a nightmare. It’s better now by far. It always seems daunting before I set off. I think DD4 will choose Exeter - she may have already chosen but just wants to see exactly where she’ll be. DD3 adored her time there and says she’s very jealous that DD4 will be there and she can’t go back. I have a suspicion DS is considering it as a choice too, but I have two years before he goes, luckily. The hardest journey will be the one I do when I leave DD4 there at the start of term and then come back without her…

I’d love to stay a while like you say Wookie, but funds don’t permit it, and DS will be left on his own here. There will be more opportunities for that if DD4 does choose Exeter and purely selfishly I’d like to just walk by the sea and just be, if that makes sense.

I’ve really wittered on tonight haven’t I. Sorry.

I’m so lucky to have you all here, still marching along. Thank you again.

x

Totally understand ‘just be’ and walking by the sea. I go to Cornwall a lot and have done all my life since I was born, it’s my happy place, it really is. I remember donkeys’ years ago it used to take about 12 hours in the car before the roads all got upgraded. 😂
Don’t worry about ‘wittering on’ as you put it, you’re doing nothing of the sort, it’s good to write it down and get some of it out of your head. His birthday or an ‘anniversary’ of any kind to do with this might understandably derail your progress temporarily, go easy on yourself and you never have to apologise here. We get it, Legs, we really do. X

I'm sure you'd never be like my friend. It's just scary how we can get into a mindset and how it then sort of 'takes over' our lives. I think the 'take care of me' thing just (personally) scares the shit out of me. I'm sure it has to do with my first marriage and how helpless I felt at times. And how wonderful it felt to truly be in control of my life AND my money (little as it was back then).

I had to have a laugh about him 'poor me-ing' about having Covid and no doubt expecting masses of sympathy. He just cannot see a thing past the end of his own nose, can he?

As far as DS's name change goes, I'd just let DS lead the way. If he wants his dad to know, that's fine. If he wants you to be the one to tell him, that's fine too. I wouldn't be fussed about a card coming in the 'wrong' name if DS decides he doesn't want him to know. He'll be expecting the card to have the wrong name on it in that case, anyway. You've raised lovely and level-headed DC, all of them, and I know that DS is capable of thinking this through and arriving at the decision that's right for him.

Your ex is such a sap, @MoreLegsThanMe. I can’t decide if he wants attention from the kids or mummying from you. Regardless, imagine yourself pointing to the nearest lake and telling him to take a jump. (Am pleased he got a shitty virus for his bday because I am a bad person. Also know that COVID causes erectile dysfunction. He already had that box ticked, but I bet he’s panick-stricken.)