More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

*Sorry, I can spell panic. My phone swapped to either Dutch or German autocorrect.

@MoreLegsThanMe

I thought about reverting to my maiden name right at the beginning. Then I thought I’d stay as I am so that the three DC who have his name would have a mother with the same name. Since DS’s decision though, I’ve started thinking about it again. My passport is expired and so would be a perfect opportunity to change now. At the very start I desperately wanted to keep “his” name. I’d spent thirty-eight years known by it and changing was unthinkable, But now I think it’s on the cards, definitely.

Re-read this paragraph again dear OP. At the beginning of your threads you were nowhere near thinking along these lines. Certainly change your name to something which you prefer, and which has nothing to do with him.

You may not believe it, but you sound increasingly stronger - more power to you. 🌹

Thank you x

@Justilou1 I was also pleased he was Covid-stricken for his birthday. I hoped he was ill too.That is a terrible thing to admit. Knowing him though, he’ll be completely asymptomatic. He didn’t give a toss when we were all so poorly, so I’ve barely given him a single thought.

Having said that, I will admit to being curious about how well his blow-up cock works. It’s hard to explain how I feel when I’m with Mr NM. I don’t think the novelty has worn off yet, if novelty is the right word. Being with someone who is aroused and wants me is still a new feeling. I spent so many years not having that.

Tomorrow DD4 and I are Cornwall-bound. Hopefully on Saturday she’ll get to see everything she wants to see, and we’ll have a wander about campus too. I’ll see if I can find DD3’s old hall.

There was a lot of building work going on when DD3 was there, so it will be interesting to see how it’s all changed. DD3 says she’s jealous and wants lots of photos. I’m looking forward to DD3’s reaction to it all. I’m hoping not to be too knackered after the drive (fat chance), and we’ll mooch around Falmouth tomorrow evening.

Then when she’s done on Saturday it’s the road trip home. She has been pretty stressed about exams this last while so it will be nice to get her completely away from all that, even if it is only for a couple of days.

DD3 is coming here after work and offered to cook for DS so I got stuff today for that. She’ll sleep in my bed tomorrow then will leave early on Saturday for work. We should be back around midnight. And of course I must remember to put the clocks forward!

Another post with barely a mention of him. I’m doing better aren’t I. Thoughts of him/them are starting to intrude a lot lot less. Not to say I never think about it, but I do think I’m progressing. Does it sound like progress?

x

You bet it does!

Have a good weekend legs.

Someone a couple of threads ago described it like a ball bouncing around in your brain, it’s still there but it’s loosing energy.

Have a lovely time and enjoy the sights! My eldest DC comes back from Uni for the Easter holidays today, can’t believe they are 2 terms in now. You are doing a fantastic job and making so many strides onwards. Concentrate on your daughter today, you get to have this great mum/daughter weekend and he’s forfeited things like this, probably forever.
What a fool, Legs!
Safe travels and have a lovely trip! XX

You're definitely doing better with hardly a mention of him, other than a pondering every now and again.

I hope your trip goes well. Safe journey

Have a good trip Legs what beautiful weather you've picked. My DS studied at Exeter for his MA many moons ago, enjoyed being there so much he stayed on helping wiith a research project for a couple of years.

I'm sure you and DD will enjoy your time looking around the campus.

Thank you x

We’re back from sunny Cornwall. The journey down was fine - if very long - until the last 30 miles. There had been a major accident on the A30 and we sat in a jam for two solid hours. Engine off and everything. Then the police got us moving but the road was totally closed. We were diverted via the (more) scenic route but of course by this time it was dark. I was getting a wee bit stressed because I had no idea where I was and I was tired. Eventually got to the B and B at 8.10pm, after leaving here at 8.00am. The owners are such lovely people and straightaway got the kettle on. There was no chance of going into Falmouth at that time, and even though DD4 and I hadn’t eaten since lunchtime we didn’t even feel hungry. I think we’d gone past that stage. I took my tea up to my room and DD4 was just across the landing. I kind of just lazed about on the bed in a daze til I went to sleep.

The open day itself was a bit of a ley down if I’m honest. When DD3 had hers there were clubs and societies taking over the cafe area displaying their wares and freebies. There were various talks and tours going on, and sample lectures for the various subjects. The cafe was absolutely jammed and the queues to pay for food were big.

This time, nothing. A talk on how to fund your studies and that was about it. No lectures, no Student Union people talking, no tours and definitely no free pens or water bottles as there were no societies represented. None at all. We spent time walking around and finding DD3’s old flat, then just walked round the grounds in general. The campus was looking very beautiful with all the trees and flowers coming alive.

At about 12:15 DD4 decided she’d had enough so we called it a day and left. Went to Asda to get some water and more petrol and then on the road home by 12:45.

So although DD4 enjoyed what she saw, and has accepted her place, it was really a very expensive and knackering driving weekend to basically see a pretty garden!! We only stopped once for yet more petrol, and were gone at exactly 8:30.

And as I’d suspected, motorway petrol prices were obscene.

ExH knows nothing of the weekend and DD4 isn’t going to tell him she’s accepted the offer there. It’s silly little things like this that get to me still.

Ah @Billybagpuss I remember the ball metaphor. It was very useful at the beginning of things. The bounces are not so high each time, and the time will come when it stops bouncing altogether. I’m still waiting for that though.

I felt upset when I saw DC with both parents looking around, but DD4 couldn’t care less. I’m grateful for the fact that she and her brother are okay and have been right through this. My hatred for ExH and what he’s put them through doesn’t diminish. Maybe it never will…

Tomorrow I have up catch up with the ironing. Normally I do it on Sunday afternoons but today I just couldn’t be bothered.

Back to normality now, and hopefully a shorter post tomorrow. Thank you all again.

x

Glad all going well for your DC. You all deserve the way things are going.

They cope because (even when you felt least like it) you showed them how to and you stood strong as an oak through the storm of their father leaving. They don't need him-thanks to you.

I wonder why they didn't have any lectures or societies. Maybe because of Covid but I was under the impression we were supposed to be getting back to normality. It's a good job you knew the university and that DD4 will have a marvellous time there.

Thank you x

I think if we’d known how open day was going to be DD4 might not have wanted to attend. It was such a long way to go to be a bit disappointed. I don’t begrudge the travelling or the cost but I did feel let down on DD’s behalf.

Before we went she had had an email saying that this year there wouldn’t be an opportunity to look round a room in halls because of Covid. It just seemed like overkill. Then when we arrived and nothing was going on….

But if course she is lucky in one sense because at least she gets to attend uni rather than effectively distance learning. She will still get her Freshet’s Week. When DD3 went it was Fresher’s Fortnight. Apparently a fortnight because the university was a great distance away for many, and it was a chance to ease them all into life there.

I’ve been feeling a bit shit and sorry for myself today, without knowing why really. Maybe it’s because DD1 and DS both have their birthdays coming up next month. I want so much to spoil them with ‘stuff’ and I just can’t. It remains to be seen if ExH will throw money at them, or just send a cheap card.

Then I spoke with Mr NM earlier this evening. He is very busy with work and has Easter contact with his DS, so chances are we won’t see each other til Easter is over with. I’m not a child and I know these things happen, but it’s made me realise that I actually do miss him when we’re apart. Sometimes I just want to be held and not have to have responsibilities, just for a little while.

Every time I think I have this beaten something rears its ugly head to remind me that I haven’t beaten it at all. It’s almost like I’ve gone back to square one. I hate this horrible pathetic weak feeling and I hate that bastard for being the one who made me feel like that in the first place.

I have fantasies of going to his Beautiful Home and screaming in his face to make him understand what he’s done. But he wouldn’t care would he.

It’s just a shit day isn’t it. I will feel better?

x

You absolutely will feel better again! It’s still a bit snakes and ladders at the moment but you’re most definitely not back to square one. Have a good wallow in anger and self-pity if you need it, sometimes it helps to really indulge in those feelings, properly go to town on them rather than fighting them and trying to always stay positive about everything and having them pop up at you when you need to be focussed on other things. Set a time limit on it though, and when that time is up then you have to try and put the negative feelings back in their box and get on with life again until you’re next free for a wallow. This can take a bit of practice so do not beat yourself up if getting the lid back on is tough to start with, just extend your time limit a bit and get back to wallowing, you obviously aren’t done yet.

With Mr NM, do you message/call each other at all after his DS goes to bed in the evening and he’s sat on his own? If not could that be a next little step forward for you both? I know it’s not the same as physically being there, but a cute goodnight message every now and then may give you enough warm fuzzy feelings before bed to get you through until you do see each other again.

It’s a real shame the open day wasn’t up to much, hopefully the clubs & societies are mostly still running and DD4 will be able to get more info online or once she gets there. Don’t stress yourself out worrying about what the dickhead is going to do about the DC’s birthdays, or that you can’t give them stuff, the DC know the score and really won’t care. Maybe make them each a voucher for something you can do either for them or with them that they would like & appreciate?

Thank you @Sunbird24. x

Mr NM has contact with his DS rather than residence. When his DS is with him I leave well alone. I believe it’s their time and I don’t want to intrude. I know too that Mr NM works very hard and some evenings I don’t hear from him because he goes to bed early to get over the day. Normally I don’t mind this at all but yesterday and today I’ve just been feeling really needy and pathetic, without there even being a reason. It just all feels so childish and I don’t know why it’s happening.

DS and DD4 are starting to get snappy and stressed about their exams which is natural I know. It sounds so selfish to say this, but I know I will manage their stress and get them both through the exams and out the other side, but who supports me? Nobody. Who can I tell when they are getting on my nerves and nothing I can say to them helps? Nobody.

I just feel so fucking alone. ExH sits there on his useless arse with not a care in the world. But he has Muttley to talk to at night. He’s never properly alone and never has been. He destroyed his family but it seems that he is quite happy with no responsibility for anything.

I’m lucky these feelings don’t hit me often but when they do I hate them.

I just need to be stronger don’t I. And harder. I’m already pretty hard I think, but I need to be even more. I don’t want anyone to know that underneath I’m sometimes falling to bits.

It’s not as if I even want much for myself. I never have. But it’s like even only wanting a little something is too much.

I just need to get DD4 safely away to university and then DS the same in two years’ time. Quite honestly I can’t see beyond that. I’ll have done my bit seeing all the DC happy and settled in their endeavours. There was a time when I looked forward to this point. To the pride of having them all up and away and to the times ExH and I could spend alone after all the years of putting the DC first. Instead all I have to look forward to is getting older quite possibly completely alone. And that doesn’t appeal.

Please kick me or shout at me or something, anything to get me out of this. Please?

x

I’m still here.

I think I thought l’d be all better by now. The divorce is done and I haven’t spoken to him in ages.

Why am I not just a new person?

x

You are, read back through your first thread, you were a mess.

You are still trying to discover your new life. You have nm. What you need now are some other friends you can hang out with, go walking meet for coffee when he is with his DS. Also the relationship will develop at some point you may be more integrated into his family too, it’s still early days.

Sorry I missed your earlier post at midnight, Legs. I’ve got notifications on for your thread but didn’t get one for some reason.
I think the problem with these situations (well, a big one of many) is that it’s like any big change that’s not of your choosing, almost like a death, it happens, unbidden, and we want life to stop for a while to just let us absorb what’s happened and adjust. The absolute bummer is that life going on around us doesn’t stop, it doesn’t seem to respect our feelings and give us a breather.
How dare the sun shine and the birds sing after what just happened to me? How can the DCs grow up and life go on with me forced to go on like this when it was all supposed to be so different? It’s exhausting to be forced to plough on through life after something ‘natural’ like a death, let alone after a deliberate act by the one who was supposed to love us, protect us and share life’s forward movements together, share the burden of responsibility as well as the joys. We cannot adapt that quickly to new, painful circumstances not of our choosing, Legs. It is painful, shocking and bloody hard and not a steady path upwards. Progress happens, then a reminder or anniversary of something or just the sheer bloody exhaustion of dealing with something yourself which should have been shared, knocks you back a few steps.
You are not at square one. You have had a physically and mentally tiring weekend with more disappointments than fun, and you quite rightly resent the fact that there was meant to be someone there who shared the responsibility, who should have had the same level of care and concern, who chose to ignore the situation and left the whole thing up to you. I too would feel angry, resentful and the hurt would flare up all over again. It’s horrible but natural and no reflection on your strength or capabilities or ability to heal.
I will never forget only a few weeks after finding out my husband had an affair (we were still together, he desperately wanted to stay and I was in shock and still didn’t know what I wanted. Kids weren’t told. Strain awful) that we had a big birthday celebration for my sister coming up. I remember going to the hotel it was at, as if everything was fine and it was the most surreal day ever. I watched my lovely family (sisters, BILs and nephews, my kids, husband) like it was a movie. How could they all be fine? I wanted to scream and got so angry and resentful inside that my husband could be there (I was allowing this for the sake of my kids and family and so as not to ruin the event) and everyone treat him as they usually did, that life could go on around me like nothing had happened and that today was supposed to be a lovely time for me and I had to act a role whilst dying inside and could tell nobody.
I know your situation is massively different to mine, and I made different choices, but the feelings were the same. Even with him still there, I felt lonely and resentful and angry that I was in this position, unwilling to ruin my sister’s big day, but I was the one paying the price for a situation not of my choosing.
I know it’s hard and unfair and shit, Legs. You need more time and lots of support. I honestly believe you will get there, one day at a time. Don’t look back to try to measure how far you’ve come in a straight line. It’s ups and downs. You’ve come miles from where you were, these are dips in the road, you are tired of it and fed up and there’s no blame or shame in that.
Be proud of how well you carry this burden alone. You shouldn’t have to, you weren’t meant to be, but you are, and my God you are doing it. Brilliantly. Your DC are very, very fortunate in their mum, and even at great cost to yourself, you are getting them through this part of their lives and determined that they won’t be affected any more than they have to. You’re an amazing woman. I’m sorry a woman like you has to go through this, truly I am. But I’m in awe of you and I bet your DC are too. One day at a time, Legs. Plan a day with NM to look forward to and be selfish now. Time for something nice for Legs. Even if it’s just a cuppa with your feet up. Time for you. Sending love X

You are a new person. Your 'heart' (meaning your emotions) just hasn't quite caught up with your head yet. But it will.

Unfortunately, there is no magic switch that flips on when a divorce is finalized. Remember that you have 20+ years to 'unlearn' and that takes time. But you will eventually get to the point where all you feel for Mr Pump and Muttley is indifference. Pure indifference, and that is your goal. I think that those of us here can see it coming to you bit by bit. You're a little 'too close' to the situation to see it clearly right now. But those moments and days where you don't spare them a thought or if you do it's with a smirk and a cocked eyebrow. Each one of those incidents is a step forward. And they are not erased by a wee 'backslide'.

Remember, healing is a marathon not a sprint.

I believe that after a certain time every single cell in your body will have regenerated, so perhaps you will find it comforting to realise that sometime in the future you will literally be an entirely new person. Literally untouched by Pumpman.

Thank you so much x

It’s true, I was a mess wasn’t I. I feel as though I still am sometimes. Nobody, apart from you, knows anything and would probably be very shocked if they found out what has been happening this last two years.

I’m just stuck in a bit of a self-pity loop at the moment. What keeps me going is my hatred of Dastardly and Muttley. I really do wish them nothing but misery for the rest of their lives.

It’s been very hard to accept this is how I feel. It’s so unlike me to hold a grudge or to dislike someone, but for these two I make a exception. I feel better accepting it and accepting there’s nothing wrong with it.

I wish there was a timescale though. A point at which a switch would be turned on and that’s it, all better. Even if it was a way off it’d be something to look forward to..

I wonder where you all get your wisdom from. I don’t think I’ll ever have the level of understanding you have.

I’m so so grateful though.

I just wish I was twenty or thirty years younger. Then I might have time.

x

Hi Legs,

I think at first all you can feel is loss. Everthing feels as though there is a loss attatched to it, friendships, children, grandchildren, the actual marriage, the man.

I think, and I know a lot of us are still on a healing journey ourselves, that I can remember just trying to push myself into being happy. I felt I should be happy after X ammount of time, but it's not like that.

I think only when I truly gave into the feelings could I actually have real thoughts and emotions about my situation. I stopped being what others wanted and how some felt I should be improving.

For some reason this decision to be real and allow myself to have crap days or good days seemed to increase my confidence. I allowed myself to be me and that felt good.

Confidence makes such a difference, not just in I feel desirable or looking good but a confidence of me and knowing I was enough. Being and feeling normal without the sordidness of the past which I had been subjected to. I felt tarnished and grubby to tell you the truth, the whole sorry saga felt humiliating, degrading and well, just not like me, even though he was the one who did wrong I felt cheapened by it, through association.
That part I was glad to leave behind as the years passed I felt cleaner, and felt more myself, does that make sense?

Also, the small things that you take no pleasure in when someone hurts you so badly will start to mean something again, I promise and you won't need to fake it.

Little steps, and then something happens again, a feeling that (for me) my own company, and it doesn't matter what you are doing, that it would be ruined if he was by my side.

Dinners in and out, a walk in the park, shopping, a holiday, even TV, I can watch whatever i want and not have to accomodate his wants, which really when I look back were quite selfish. It's liberating, not until you are more comfortable in your own skin can you feel that freedom, it's like having the shackles removed, emotional shackles.

Honestly Legs, it's going to happen, no matter how hard you hate him now, rant and rave and keep on remembering him and the marriage, something just changes and you just start to let go.
Now to you that must sound so sad at the point you are at, but in the future this will happen. The memories start to disolve and the hate starts to receed and it seems pointless to hate someone you hardly know.

A long marriage is unbelievably hard to forget but I'm afraid no matter how hard you cling onto to his memory it will go and then you will start to think of him as an aquaintance. (I know it's painful to hear that)

It is your mind that will not let go at the moment and presently you are not yet ready to forget, it is like a fear of forgetting because if we forget what did it all mean?

I'm rambling but I totally understand, we can't say your life will be fantastic, nobody has that, but it will become less painful allowing you to feel again for all the other joys in life.

Keep going, keep ranting if you need to, and don't worry you will be ok.

And stop apologising for feeling what you are feeling.
xx

I'm sure I've quoted it before, but one of my favourite lines from the movie 'Tootsie' was said to Teri Garr when she was upset after Dustin Hoffman broke up with her. She said "Don't tell me how to feel. I'm gonna feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore!".

And that's the truth. Denying a feeling is useless and I think destructive. Better to just 'feel it' and let it work its way through our brain. That is not to say we should 'wallow' in sorrow or 'stop living' from sadness. Just that we should acknowledge the feeling and feel it, knowing that eventually it will fade into insignificance compared to the happiness we have in our lives.

So feel your anger and disgust. It's natural and well deserved by them. Anyone who thinks 'Oh, don't be so angry' or 'You should be over it by now' is a fool or has never suffered utter betrayal of everything they believed in. There is one person that I will hate all my life. A person who did everything to destroy me and almost succeeded. Why should I not hate that person?

Just know that it will fade. It may always be a 'piece' of you, but it will not be 'all of you'. It will not be your predominant feeling or desire. It will settle into a small spot in your brain where occasionally it will raise its ugly head for a split second, but mostly just sits there on a mental shelf, gathering dust.

I wish I could give you a timeline, but I can't. Everyone travels a different road to get to that place. Just know that you will get there. Be strong. Remember the love that you have in your life and rejoice in it.

You really don’t see your own light, do you? When this kicked off you were so shocked and helpless you were virtually hiding under the bed. Now you are mowing lawns, watching kids evolve into strong, independent adults and having a loving, sexy time with a man who seems to genuinely LIKE you. IN PERSON!!!

Oh legs it sounds so hard, and you’ve done amazingly well and come so far.

I like the tootsie quote, I haven’t seen that film in such a long time might need to rewatch it.

The only thing I’d caution, try not to let your anger towards him fester, there may come a time your dc reconnect with him, you don’t want them to feel they have to hide this from you, you also don’t want them to feel awkward if they want both of you at weddings or graduation (although he’s got a long way to go before that happens). It’s hard but the next step for you I hope would be indifference towards him, don’t waste your energy on hatred. This is easy for me to say but much harder to achieve 💐

@Billybagpuss

Oh legs it sounds so hard, and you’ve done amazingly well and come so far.

I like the tootsie quote, I haven’t seen that film in such a long time might need to rewatch it.

The only thing I’d caution, try not to let your anger towards him fester, there may come a time your dc reconnect with him, you don’t want them to feel they have to hide this from you, you also don’t want them to feel awkward if they want both of you at weddings or graduation (although he’s got a long way to go before that happens). It’s hard but the next step for you I hope would be indifference towards him, don’t waste your energy on hatred. This is easy for me to say but much harder to achieve 💐

I absolutely second this. The person who's being hurt by your hatred towards your Ex and the other woman is not them, but you.

Hopefully being able to speak on here helps, but perhaps some additional in-person, professional therapy might also help? I can't remember if you've looked at that but, if not, maybe that might be another way forward for you? 🌹