More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

I’ve said before that it’s so hard when you each lead independent lives with commitments and responsibilities. Does anyone make that work?

It doesn't matter what others do, you have to make things work for you. Some people are happy with limited time, some aren't - you have to decide what you want from a relationship.

Is most of Mr NM's time taken up with his child?

My partner has his son every weekend, and a few nights in the week, his free time is very limited.
In the last 2.5 years we've had 2 or 3 Saturday nights together, it is what it is. I knew from day 1 this was the deal so I don't complain.
I'm also very busy so we see each other about once a week, sometimes once a fortnight, occasionally twice a week.
It works for us and we like each other enough that we accept our time together is limited.

Are you looking for a man to combat loneliness?
Loneliness is a state of mind and a man won't fix that.

I know I keep banging the drum about hobbies and contentment in your own life but its true.
I know you have ill health but I really think you need to start building your own life now your kids are older.

Thank you x

You’re right - I should stop worrying about what I “should” be doing shouldn’t I. Old habits die hard is what it is.

@Thewookiemustgo it is hard to be in this position at my age. It’s really hard. I’ve been so used to living my life a certain way and that’s all just been ripped away. I’ve spent a lot of the last year just trying to get through each day. I haven’t dared look forward. Now that I am, it’s scary.

@Billybagpuss this time last year it really was inconceivable that I would be with another person. Mr NM has helped me so much, more than he could know.

@SortingItOut Mr NM and I saw each other maybe twice a month and I’d stay the weekend. The intervening weekends were his contact time with his son, and weekday evenings he’d be working quite often, and wanting to go to bed early.

I’m not sure that I’m looking for a man to combat my loneliness, at least I don’t think I am. I felt lonely sometimes even when ExH was living with us. And of course I might be ancient now but I miss sex too.

Maybe online is the way to go…it’s not like the old days when everyone made for the pub then on to a club til 3.00am and that’s how you found someone.

And still ExH is doubtless blissfully unaware that what he did is still haunting me. Bastard.

x

Is the problem with Mr NM that ge sometimes is busy at weekends when he doesn't have his son?

Its hard because he also needs to fit in hobbies, friends, family etc and his own time is EOW so he's juggling lots of things and only has 2 weekends a month to do it in.

Just a word of warning about online dating- you need tobe tough and resilient, it can affect your self-esteem hugely.

I wonder whether a friendship group like Meetup might be a way to get out and do something you are interested in, or could get interested in, rather than Online Dating to start with? Maybe less pressure initially?

www.meetup.com/
🌹

Meetup isn't a bad idea. Or is there a local senior or recreation center with programmes/classes that might interest you? Sometimes we have to get out of our 'rut' or our comfort zone to move forward.

I have a cousin who (although divorced 20+ years) is sort of in your same boat wrt feeling lonely now that her final chick has flown the nest. I've suggested meetups and the local senior center classes to her just to get her out of the house. So far, she's gone to one meetup group and she's looking into a watercolours class.

She dated a man for a year or so but broke up with him about a year ago because he was putting too much pressure on her to move in, get engaged, etc and she really doesn't want to marry or cohabit again. They've recently reconnected and it seems that they've formed a really wonderful (platonic) friendship and are enjoying each other's 'no pressure, no expectations' company. So it may be that you and NM 'progress' or it may be that you end up with a really good friend. Either is a wonderful addition to anyone's life.

Thank you so much x

@SortingItOut yes, Mr NM has two weekends a month to himself as it were. He needs to fit in his hobbies, life admin, visiting parents, it’s a lot. But of course I understand that. He also likes his own company. Meeting up during the week wouldn’t really work as a long term thing either. It’s important to me to be at home to see DS and DD4 out to school. I’d have to leave his so early to get back it’d just be ridiculous.

I think we will end up as good friends. And being honest? I have no problem with that.

I’m going to investigate online dating. I’ve read enough threads on here to hopefully know about the pitfalls and over the last two years I’ve been developing what I think is a very helpful “fuck you” attitude which I’m proud of. If I join any site or group or whatever and I don’t like it, I’ll just leave. I refuse to allow any man to make me feel bad, ever ever again.

@Newestname002 thank you. I’ve not heard of Meet-up before so I’m going to investigate that too.

@AcrossthePond55 sadly I live in quite a rural area. There aren’t any organised groups or anything. Maybe Meetup will be a better bet…

I do feel a bit more in control of myself today. At least I’m out of that horrible black hole I fell into a few weeks ago.

x

Aren't you and Mr NM in a relationship?
Or has the chat never been had?

If you're in a relationship you can't do OLD unless he's ok with that or are you planning to end things?

Legs, I’d be exactly the same. I met my husband when I was 19 and we’ve been together ever since. When he had his affair I was lucky (although many may disagree) in that he thought the same way as me, he’d been a nasty selfish twat who had no idea how to, and no desire to, live any other way than with each other. I wasn’t afraid to be alone, but I looked over the precipice and faced the enormity of it.

I think one day at time is very sensible. It’s how everyone should live, really, because nothing, even the next ten minutes, is ever promised. Life can change in a millisecond. X

Thank you x

@SortingItOut its hard to describe really - I suppose a relationship is unique to the people in it. There’s no rule to say how many times you see each other etc. sometimes I think we are in one, other times I think we really need to see each other more to class it as a relationship. Of course I wouldn’t do anything at all regarding anyone else unless we decided not to see each other again. I’m glad though that I feel I can do it if I wanted to - not so long ago the whole idea was just unthinkable.

@Thewookiemustgo i do live day by day now. I very rarely look back, except on “special” days, because I spent so long doing that, and it didn’t get me anywhere or change anything. I’m proud if myself that I’ve stopped doing it. I don’t look forward either. It’s still too painful to think that’s my life done now, and that quite feasibly I may die on my own. That’s not how I had it planned!

I had a look at Meet-up and the only activities near me in the near future are a 25/50km run (choose your own distance!) or a 45km bike ride in the hills. I couldn’t get excited for either if I’m honest.

DD4 mentioned today she hasn’t had any messages from ExH for a while now. I imagine he’ll see himself as father to Muttley’s children now. He’s certainly not the father of any of mine. Not any more.

x

Except that Muttley’s children already have a father. Can’t see the children being impressed by some elderly codger who broke up their family, can you? Not sure why you persist in assuming the pair of them have such a wonderful life - I’m equally positive it will be no bed of roses. Perhaps you might want to reflect on why you think this way? Tbh, very few people have a totally wonderful life - every family I know has an ‘issue’ of some sort, but we all just do our best and muddle through! Please be kinder to yourself and when the feeling hits that you want to think his life is all great, switch over and think of the ways your life is better.

I agree with @goody2shooz . I just don't see 'Inflatable Man' stepping in to play Father of the Year. I have a feeling that IF he does anything 'parent related' at all it's only if Muttley starts barking orders at him.

Unless her children are very young, I'm sure they've put 2 + 2 together and come up with 4 as far as the 'origins' of their relationship. I'm sure they're less than impressed.

Thank you x

@goody2shooz I think I feel the way I do about their “relationship” because it must be a bed of roses. If it isn’t then why the fuck would you destroy your partner and the lives of 9 DC? Just to lead the same kind of life as before, just with someone else? That’s inconceivable to me. If you’re not deliriously happy in your Beautiful Home what was the point of it all?

ExH told me that he found Muttley’s DC drama llamas. They were constantly causing problems and there were scenes on a daily basis. They couldn’t seem to do the simplest things without her, and she basically had to do everything for them. He said it showed him how mature our DC were in comparison. I’m not entirely sure his old her DC are. I know one is at university and I think another is eleven or so. There are no babies or toddlers. I don’t know if all three of the younger ones live with them (in a 2-bedroom flat) or if they take turns living there. Whichever way you look at it, it’s a mess. I feel sorry for her DC.

@AcrossthePond55 I’d like to know exactly how involved he is. It would be interesting to see. There was a time I would’ve felt upset at the thought of him with her DC, talking with them, playing, helping with homework. Then I realise he didn’t do that with his own DC, so why would he ?

Sometimes I’d like to be a fly on the wall…I think I’d be amused more than anything. Amused and a little sad…

x

Dear @MoreLegsThanMe , I didn’t see your previous thread, so only have what you’ve said in this one to go on. You’d like a good reason for his /their behaviour which you cannot understand. But you’re a decent normal person - they are not. You will never get a ‘good’ reason or explanation. People do things all the time that make one wonder ‘but whyyyyy?!

What possible acceptable reason is there for not talking or playing with your children or helping with their homework? For walking out on your family without a backward glance? One of life’s mysteries and one, sadly, not worthy of your headspace or grief. You will never understand why he did it, but the pain will definitely lessen as time goes by. What do you miss most about him?

@MoreLegsThanMe Sending hugs. The way you keep wondering what they're doing and hoping he understands how devastated you are reminds me of how I was in the aftermath of an abusive relationship. It ended when he cheated on me. Later on I found out that it had begun with him cheating on his ex. He made sure he had me before dumping her. I was distraught to discover this and to think that I'd contributed to someone else's pain, even unknowingly, but I was also relieved. Relieved because it showed me that this leopard hadn't changed his spots, and he was acting exactly the way he always had. I was finally able to accept that his behaviour hadn't been my fault and there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome.

I think one reason why you're so hurt and you keep ruminating on this is because it's hard to accept that he wasn't the person you thought. But from what you say, there were clues all along (the lack of interest in his children, for example). Processing all this is painful. I saw a therapist who specialised in trauma via a women's charity, and she told me that our brains do keep rehashing the painful situation again and again until the trauma is resolved at last. I think it would be worth seeing a therapist with that sort of background, because what you've been going through is traumatic. It does help. These days my ex barely crosses my mind at all, and I'm happy. You can get to the same place. 💐

The life you imagine him living is not how he is actually living, of that you can be sure. He won't have changed. It would probably be nearer to the mark if you were to re-imagine his life with him being the same old cunt.

@MoreLegsThanMe

I think I feel the way I do about their “relationship” because it must be a bed of roses. If it isn’t then why the fuck would you destroy your partner and the lives of 9 DC?

I disagree. I think it's a classic case of the 'sunk costs fallacy'. They may be miserable but in their minds they have to make ruining so many lives 'worth it'. And the only way to do that would be to stick it out, no matter how unhappy one or the other may be. To admit it was a mistake or 'not what it was cracked up to be' would be tantamount to admitting that they were wrong to have done what they did in the first place.

Then I realise he didn’t do that with his own DC, so why would he?

Why would he, indeed? Old habits die hard, especially when the 'old habits' mean sitting in your comfy chair or doing your hobbies whilst you partner carries the parenting load. This is why I say that he only steps into a 'parental' role if she nags him into it.

@MoreLegsThanMe Completely agree with @AcrossthePond55
Your persistence that they are living the life in a romantic love nest, snuggling up every night is just not reality. More like they've made their bed and have to lie on it.
After all what's his alternative? Come crawling back? He's burned his bridges with his children, his friends can see him for what he is and his family?

Whilst you have carried on in dignified silence.

He will rue the day he thought the grass was greener and will be paying the price.

Was he such a catch? Is it likely he has changed his ways and suddenly become partner of the year? Is it Fk!

@MoreLegsThanMe Completely agree with @AcrossthePond55
Your persistence that they are living the life in a romantic love nest, snuggling up every night is just not reality. More like they've made their bed and have to lie on it.
After all what's his alternative? Come crawling back? He's burned his bridges with his children, his friends can see him for what he is and his family?

Whilst you have carried on in dignified silence.

He will rue the day he thought the grass was greener and will be paying the price.

Was he such a catch? Is it likely he has changed his ways and suddenly become partner of the year? Is it Fk!

Thank you x

Well. I always thought he was more or less perfect. We split everything 50/50 including housework, bills, everything. Whoever was off work made the tea etc. and he always seemed such a good dad when the DC were small.

Even reading that back I can see the words I’ve used. “Thought”. “Seemed “. He really wasn’t what he seemed or I thought, was he.

@AcrossthePond55 I’ve never heard of the sunk costs fallacy before but I think you have hit the nail on the head. They have to carry on don’t they. Which is really worse for Muttley considering she’s so much younger than him and in a few short years will have an old man for a partner. Fantastic!

Im not so sure I’ve kept a dignified silence. There’s been a lot of upset behind the scenes.

I do wonder what I’d do if he came crawling back. I’d really like to see him try. He’s such a coward that if/when it all collapsed for them he’d not want to be alone and I dare say would think MoreLegs would take him in. But MoreLegs wouldn’t….

Am feeling a tad more feisty these days. I really don’t want another of those awful dark spirals downward that hit me a few weeks ago..

x

@MoreLegsThanMe

"which is really worse for Muttley considering she’s so much younger than him and in a few short years will have an old man for a partner. Fantastic!"

Yep, she'll get the 'joy' of being his carer in his declining years.

You know, when you've been married to a devoted spouse for 30, 40, 50 years it's a privilege to care for them. It's a way of showing them our devotion. But to be stuck doing that after a few years with a person you regret being with, that must be torture. Karma's a bitch.

Thank you x

Indeed karma is @AcrossthePond55 . Or he’ll just end up in a home. She’ll still be working of course to pay the bills etc so who will visit him I wonder……

hopefully then he’ll have plenty of time to reflect on what he’s done. Oh well. Shane isn’t it.

We’re about halfway through exams I think. I made three round trips up to school and back today. I’m already tired of doing that!They seem to be going okay so far. The stress isn’t threatening to blow the roof off yet. It’s just little things like sharing the taxi duties, hearing about what was good and bad about each paper - you know the sort of thing - those things make me miss having someone beside me to take the weight off.

But this is my life now and I just have to get on with it.

x

Bloody new site, wrote long post and it just refreshed away from me. Legs well done on getting DC this far.

I've read all of the threads so well versed in the shit behaviour of inflatable Harry past and present. Can I just share some things that jumped out at me from your recent post. And feel free to ignore!

Well. I always thought he was more or less perfect. We split everything 50/50 including housework, bills, everything. Whoever was off work made the tea etc. and he always seemed such a good dad when the DC were small

in the face of a lot of evidence to the contrary I wonder why your brain was telling you he was pretty perfect? Armchair expert opinion but I wonder how much of your trauma is tied up in loss of cherished identity as a wife, not even so much the loss of blow up Bob but all that having a ‘husband’ represents. And this has made what he has done so much more traumatic for you. When someone else might have pulled the plug years ago you were maintaining that all was functioning well and your role was to provide unquestioning support. I wonder if you are holding very tightly on to something that hasn’t existed for a long time now? It’s the loss of your cherished and valued identity but also his betrayal of the narrative that you’ve had in your head that is keeping you a bit stuck in the how/why. Like you put heart and soul and sacrifice into maintaining this thing and he’s only gone and blown it wide open and exposed all of the problems that were there.

In the end it doesn’t matter how happy or otherwise he is with Muttley and her crew. You still need to come to terms with the reality of the marriage and what lessons you could take in terms of the boundaries you hold and take with you into your future.

I wonder if this is where some counselling/therapy might be so helpful because sooner or later, you will need to start forming a new identity for yourself without reference to this man. You are intelligent, kind, loving, an amazing mother .

Your life deserves rich and balanced relationships. You always did. And your marriage seems far from balanced. It isn’t just about getting on with it, because sometimes ‘getting on with it’ is the least helpful thing we can do. Sometimes we need to go there with the pain and the confusion and work through it (with an experienced counsellor).

Wishing you all the best. again feel free to ignore all if you feel not relevant.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe

"But this is my life now and I just have to get on with it."

You know, I think each and every one of us feels this way at times in our lives. In fact, I'd bet that most of us feel that way a little more often than we'd like to. It means to me that you ARE getting on with it AND growing AWAY from the negative feelings and the pain.

We don't have the major exams that you have in the UK that govern one's educational path (at least, I think that's what they do). Some states have an 'exit exam' to graduate from High School, but that's more of a general curriculum knowledge in Maths, & English Comprehension and Writing. The 'biggie' here is the SAT (and other 'specialized' exams for certain majors) that go along with your Uni applications. But I've heard they may either be doing away with the SAT or 'downgrading' its 'importance'. At any rate, I wish you and your DC peace, calm, and good results! You ALL rock!

How are you legs?

Hope you're ok Legs