More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

I think part of the problem is that when someone is as much of a shit and a betrayer as he is our brain tells us that 'logically' we should be able to just switch off the pain and 'get over it' because we're better off without them and happy that they're gone. Unfortunately, the heart doesn't work that way and that sets up such a conflict within us. What we 'should' feel isn't always easy to feel but unfortunately what we 'shouldn't' feel is! We can know something is true but that doesn't change our emotional 'core'.

I think the best thing to do is just acknowledge that 'it is what it is', remember the good things we have now (your DC, your home/garden, your independence) and keep moving on in spite of it, knowing we'll get there 'some day', but that we can't put a timetable on it.

If you've decided counseling isn't for you, so be it. But just don't completely dismiss it out of hand, saying 'never'. Just say 'not now' but know that it is an option somewhere down the road, if you should get to the place and time where you've exhausted all other means of truly exorcising the 'dastardly duo' from your thoughts. Sometimes we have to do things that are not within our comfort zone in order to get what we want.

I think part of the problem is that when someone is as much of a shit
and a betrayer as he is our brain tells us that 'logically' we should be
able to just switch off the pain and 'get over it' because we're better
off without them and happy that they're gone. Unfortunately, the heart
doesn't work that way and that sets up such a conflict within us. What
we 'should' feel isn't always easy to feel but unfortunately what we
'shouldn't' feel is! We can know something is true but that doesn't
change our emotional 'core

This is such a good point.

I hope you are feeling a little better tonight Legs

Thank you so much x

i had a day out with Mr NM today. It was to an outdoor attraction then we went on to an art gallery. I had such a lovely time - I could almost cry I enjoyed it so much! Every time he does things like this for me it reminds me how little (well, nothing) ExH used to do.

Not sure when I’ll see Mr NM again but that’s the way it is with us.

@Billybagpuss mostly I’m still concentrating on giving the grass some love. I have some containers to fill too, so hopefully I’ll get to the garden centre soon. The borders always need tidying up don’t they, and every bloody cat in the neighbourhood seems to use one part of the garden or another as an outdoor litterbox. There’s always something to pick up..

The exams start tomorrow for DS, although he did his spoken Spanish a couple of weeks ago. DD4 has her first one on the 26th. One at a time..

@Thewookiemustgo you’re so right, as always. I just think that this will always be here. It’ll never fully go away til the day I die, and that’s very scary. It makes me wonder if he ever feels the same, although I very much doubt it.

It's hard to explain exactly how I feel right now. Mostly it’s loneliness. And fear that I’ll feel like this forever.

All this time has passed and I seriously doubt sometimes that the way I feel won’t ever change. If it hasn’t in two years then how can it ever…?

x

This is going to sound useless probably and no help or guarantee of anything, but I think situations like this aren’t something you can look at and put a post-rationalising time limit on. Some people get to a point where they make peace with it in their head quicker or slower than others. After a death, some people learn to live with it sooner than others. One person might take a year, another might take three. So who was ‘right’? Neither. Who loved the person who died more? The one who took longer to learn to live with it? No. Not necessarily. Time taken to heal from any life event that was beyond our control, is intensely personal and dependent on a huge variety of factors. So no, just because X amount of time has passed doesn’t mean that now the concrete has set and everything is fixed and unchangeable. Our brains have the most amazing proven plasticity and can actually physically change with the way we respond to things. As time goes by and you have more and more proof that you can have nice times, that you can feel happy and contented, the negative feelings will fade and your new life will become more important than your old one. Your brain will learn that what once was enormously important to you just isn’t any more. The grass is greenest where we water it. Water your new life, Legs. Get selfish and fill your life with what pleases you. Try new things when you feel able to and find out who Legs really is. What she most definitely isn’t any more is a woman abused and held back by a self-absorbed entitled man. Your freedom was thrust upon you rather than chosen, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that having your freedom is a bad thing. So far it has glimpses of being capable of being pretty wonderful. Let the time pass, it’s frustrating but be patient to heal, gather up the lovely moments and foster more of them. The memory of the bad times will always be there, yes. But time and experience will dial the elephant in the room down to a tiny ant. In the future yes, you still might see the ant crawl across your kitchen floor every now and again, but it will do far less damage to your kitchen than a fucking elephant. 😁

Oh @Thewookiemustgo thank you x

My birthday was today (Monday). It was a plain old ordinary day. Mr NM sent lovely flowers and there were cards from all the DC.

It just feels as though that’s another year gone and I’m still not properly better. I thought of Dastardly and Muttley and I just don’t know how they can carry on in their perfect little world.

If it weren’t for the DC I’d happily not be here any longer. I don’t mean to sound dramatic or seek attention, it’s genuinely how I feel. It’s like right, my job here is done and that’s it. I’m not sure if that’s easy to understand or even if I’m saying it properly.

GCSEs started today. DS seemed quite happy about how the first one went. Another tomorrow morning.

I’d hoped to get in the garden but it’s rained constantly nearly all day and on and off tonight. It’ll probably be too wet to do anything tomorrow, but fingers crossed…

If I can’t get outside I have a couple of kitchen cupboards I can clean and organise. I have to be busy. I hate sitting about.

I sound like a sad specimen don’t I.

x

Belated birthday wishes legs 🌷

Belated birthday wishes!! Xx

Happy Birthday for yesterday mine today lovely to get flowers from Mr MN. Hope you can get out in the garden today, we had thunderstorms yesterday so the ground is quite wet, warm and humid here.

I would seriously think about getting a dog as company for you. After my dh died I was persuaded to get a house cat, now have two, we'd always had cats in the past, sleep on the bed with me at night, great company.

Good luck to dcs with their exams

Very late happy birthday Legs x

Belated Birthday Wishes Legs x

Thank you for my birthday wishes x

Twice now I’ve written long posts and twice they’ve deleted themselves. Not good.

Maybe good in a way because they were both filled with the same old moany crap. I’ve been feeling very sad and lonely, still without knowing why really. It’s not as if there’s been any particular trigger or anything like that. It just started in earnest a little while ago and I can’t shake it off..

DS is a week into his GCSEs now, with another week ahead. DD4 then joins in with her first A level on Thursday. Next week they’re off then there’s a further two weeks of yet more exams, then they’re both finished. DD4 officially finished school forever yesterday but most of her teachers are running further sessions up until each exam, so she’ll be going in for those. They’re both quite chilled at the moment, although I would not blame DS at all for being short tempered towards the end of his. So many papers!

Then the long wait until August and results days.

It’ll be nicer having them physically here in the house when they’re all finished. To think that ExH doesn’t know when the exams finish, how they’re feeling about them. I don’t think he even knows which subjects they’re sitting. I can’t imagine being on his position. I’d be so ashamed of myself. But of course he doesn’t think like that does he.

I don’t think I’ve whined and complained too much tonight- you may disagree though..

Thank you for keeping on keeping on with me. I can’t tell you how much it means.

x

Morning legs

almost there with the exams. Things will get much easier once they’re done.

Silly observation, I’m really pleased you referred to him as exh today, he’s becoming less relevant by the day, he no longer deserves a name 💐

There’s a lot of stress in your house at present, Legs. As a mum it’s a really tricky time and their need for support and reactions to their own exam stress and exhaustion can be very wearying and hard. Couple that with coping quietly with your own issues, and of course you feel exhausted and lonely, you’re parenting alone and carrying the burden alone. One day at a time, Legs, one foot in front of the other and breathe. In a few weeks those lovely DC are all yours and will be thrilled that their heavy load just vanished, you will have a lovely summer together with lots of time to be in each others’ company, and celebrations to be had on results day, I’m sure. How proud you must be of their hard work and focus after such a difficult time for you all. I can only imagine what a tower of power you are and have been to them through all of this. They will never, ever forget how you supported them when their father selfishly deserted them, and when they are older they will realise more than ever what you must have gone through, and fought so hard to hide for their sakes. They will wonder how the hell you did it, and frankly, so do I. You’re a bloody marvel Legs, your children and Mr NM can see that. Don’t lose sight of that yourself, remember to look at all you’ve achieved and all you’ve done for them, marvel at all you do every day no matter how shit you feel. You’re not alone Legs, and when your husband’s relationship goes to the wall, nobody will be lonelier than him. Aside from Muttley, who did Dick Dastardly ever really have to turn to or talk to? When Muttley finally realises she ‘won’ a man who is anything but a prize worth winning, he won’t even have her any more. I think it’s now a ‘sunk costs fallacy’ relationship which continues because it kind of has to after all the upset it’s caused. Some people will doggedly continue with something crap if they think they will face an almighty “I told you so” from the world if they walk away from it. Imagine how miserable it will have to get before they finally realise it. Or maybe they already do, but are too enmeshed in a shit situation of their own making to leave. Now that must be the loneliest feeling in the world. XX

Thank you x

Another exam down today. DS was asleep before 5.00pm. I had to go into his room to get him up for his tea. Everyone’s in the same boat of course, and there’s not really anything I can do for him. DD4 was the year that missed their GCSEs because of Covid, so this is the first time in years there’s been exam stress in this house.

@Billybagpuss he is becoming more irrelevant every day, just as you and other wise posters told me way back at the beginning. He’s a total loser amoral bastard, as is Muttley.

@Thewookiemustgo I am proud of the DC. Of all of them. I feel so much guilt that this has all happened to them and I would give anything for it not to have. I don’t think I’ve done anything special or admirable. I just have no choice. I have nobody else to turn to so the care of all the DC is down to me. Given their ages it’s not the tiring physical care, but I still worry about them. That never goes away.

Dick definitely won’t have anyone other than Muttley. I think she still has her mother and possibly sisters or aunties or grandmothers. I don’t know how I’d feel if a DC of mine came running to me bemoaning her relationship after she and the other one in it had been responsible for such devastation. I’m not at all sure I’d have it in me to even be sympathetic. Maybe she has female friends to talk to.

I still believe that eventually it will all come to a juddering halt. As I think I’ve posted before, he wouldn’t have anyone to turn to. He couldn’t afford anywhere to live on his own. He has no choice but to stay. Once he’s pushing seventy and she’s pushing fifty he may not seem so attractive.

Although how she found him attractive in the first place is beyond me. They really do deserve each other.

If I can just pull myself together and stop the self-pity I’d feel so much better…

x

Legs, you might not have had any choice, no, but you still do a bloody good job of it where some might have crumbled. There’s no shame in being unable to cope, either, some can’t, but you did cope and you did it well, you still are. You are perfectly entitled to feel sorry for yourself, we all do it and it’s a perfectly acceptable way of self-soothing. Make sure the chatter in your head is about what has happened to you, though, listen to it carefully to make sure that whilst feeling sorry for yourself you are not blaming yourself or letting it make you make value statements about yourself. “X happened to me and it was so unjust, so unfair, I must therefore be .....” fill in adjective here. Don’t let that pull you down, put the blame and less savoury talk where it belongs, blame them, judge their actions, their character, not yours. I’m not suggesting that this is what you are doing, I’m just saying that it’s an easy trap to fall into when we feel sorry for ourselves and those to blame are not there to rage at. We can so easily turn it inwards when we are sad. Turn the things you hear in your head around when you realise you are feeling sorry for yourself instead of blaming yourself for feeling that way. “X happened to me and it is unfair and unjust and it hurts like hell..... but I survived. With my support my DC are thriving. I have held us together in the face of x y and z. I am bloody good at this.” Also, do NOT carry their shame. What happened to your DC was nothing to do with you. Nothing. His poor choices, his selfishness put them through this. The end of your marriage is their shame forever. X

I feel sad reading your updates lately Legs. You were so positive and upbeat a few weeks/months ago. You have done amazing to get through this, and still are; you just need to keep believing it and believing that things will definitely improve.
The way things are now aren't going to remain the same for the rest of your life. You met MrNM a while ago now, not too long after your split and when you were feeling pretty crap and low... therefore you must be a catch! Obviously he is still keen as you still see him. You aren't going to be 'alone forever!'. I know you don't see as much of him as you would like, but it won't always be that way.
How long have you known him now? Do you think after all the stress of helping get your DCs through exams, there is a possibility you will be free to see more of each other? There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, and I hope we are sensing that you believe this from your posts again soon x

Sorry you are feeling down Morelegs.

You've come a long way since the first shock.
I don't suppose you are the same person as the one who was married to 'Dick'.

Perhaps your feelings right now are part of the growing/changing process? You are discontented - and so have to continue to make changes.

People who feel cosy and content don't go out and make change; they settle.

You are refusing to settle (you are 'morelegs' not 'littlelostlegs') ... even though perhaps you sometimes miss the (false) cosy security of your original marriage.

Thank you x

You're all so right as always. You articulate things far better than I can.

@mymymy0 I’ve known Mr NM since last August time. We don’t see each other very often - not as often as I’d like - although he is important to me and I feel my life would be less without him in it. I’m not sure that after exams will make much difference. We each have our own lives and responsibilities and it’s hard (at least I think it is) to then try and introduce a new person into that mix. Sad but true!

@LiesDoNotBecomeUs I’m hoping you’re right and that feeling like this is part of the process. I’m kind of giving up on the idea of “getting over it”. I don’t think I ever truly will. I’m just hoping it will continue to hurt less.

@Thewookiemustgo I have spent so many hours blaming myself that you would not believe it. The old cliches- if I was younger/thinner/prettier. You know what I mean. I am trying not to keep doing that though. You are right. It is all their shame. What they did and the aftermath.I do wonder if they ever think about what they did, if they allow themselves to think what utter bastards they’ve been. And the fact that they might not ever think like that, and instead spend every evening laughing over wine curled up in their Beautiful Home, it makes me so angry that there’s no way to describe it. Makes me unbearably sad too, but that’s just me being stupid.

I had my Covid spring booster today and it’s starting to make me feel really ropey. My arm is hot and red and swollen (so much I couldn’t get my pyjama sleeve down over it). My chest is hurting too, and my eyesight has gone weird. It feels like I’m looking at everything through a thin veil of smoke or mist. Is crazy. Didn’t have this with any of the other injections. I’ll report it to the doctor tomorrow.

Again, I’m sorry to be such a moaning old bag on here. How you all put up with it amazes me.

x

Believe me Legs, I know exactly what you mean. I did it myself and at low moments I slip back.
But the ‘why’ was never, ever about you.
Betrayal is so terrible because it plays into your darkest fears about yourself. It’s destructive and senseless, so to try to make sense of it we decide that we must have somehow been to blame. All the things that we don’t like about ourselves leap out at us as reasons for what happened to us, but it’s total bollocks.
What are you to blame for? How on earth did you cause this? Did you force him or hold a gun to his head? Did you give him no choice? Was cheating and lying his only option? No. He had other choices, but he chose to do this instead.It’s about their poor choices, inadequacy in communicating, their avoidance of their issues, their character defects, their selfishness and entitlement that causes this. Not you, not your marriage. Not. One. Bit. I’m not going to take responsibility for the character defects of others, I didn’t cause them. You mustn’t either. They’re going to need shedloads of wine and a very “beautiful “ home indeed to be ever be truly happy in the aftermath of the devastation they’ve caused two families. If they have so little empathy for others that they don’t care what they do, then they are never going to understand each other or make each other happy, and if they do have empathy,, the guilt and shame will be a crushing weight on them, or at least festering beneath the veneer on a daily basis. Don’t romanticise their “relationship “, remember in reality you have no idea what it’s like. It can’t be easy to keep up the ‘happy ever after’ though. The justifications they’ve spun will wear thin.,They know who they really are. After what they’ve done, they’ve only got each other whether they like it or not. Don’t know if you’ve read “Gone With the Wind”, but they’re just mules in horse harness, the pair of them. They’re fooling nobody except themselves.

@MoreLegsThanMe

he is becoming more irrelevant every day, just as you and other wise posters told me way back at the beginning. He’s a total loser amoral bastard, as is Muttley.

I'm so glad to hear this. One more sign that you are moving forward in your life in a positive manner.

You have been so strong - if you reread your earlier posts you'll see this for yourself- and you have security of the love of your children. You are already streets ahead of your Ex who, doubtless, is having to make do with the results of his foolish decisions, in a smaller life, without his children in it. I know who I'd rather be. 🌹

Thank you x

@Thewookiemustgo yes I’ve read Gone With The Wind. You’re spot on..

It’s so hard not to blame myself it really is. As far back as when he started suffering from ED I blamed myself for that even. It’s tough to try and stop doing it. I blame myself to this day for what’s happened to the DC.

@Newestname002 I really don’t think I’ve been strong at all. The way I saw it - and still do - is that I had no choice. I just had to carry on.

I’ve felt terrible again today too. Headache, fever, everywhere hurts.. my arm is about three sizes too big. Can’t understand why had this make before and was fine. Didn’t even feel the prick of the needle.

I hope I’m feeling better tomorrow. It’s times like this that being alone is shit.

x

Have felt better today. All that’s left is a big painful sunburn-like area at the injection site. I’ve never had a reaction like it.

DS and DD4 are holed up revising and the quietness is bearing down on me a bit. Just to be sitting watching a stupid film with someone, snuggled up, just being important to someone…

It feels like the situation with Mr NM is fizzling out. We see each other so rarely now that I’m not sure it’s feasible to carry on. I will at least have made a friend I know, but it’s not the outcome I’d have hoped for. I’ve said before that it’s so hard when you each lead independent lives with commitments and responsibilities. Does anyone make that work?

This is not how a Saturday night should be!!

x

Blimey, how ‘should a Saturday night be’? Pretty sure I’ve failed miserably from the Saturday nights of my twenties or thirties. Stop judging yourself, your life, etc etc etc by some ‘standards’ that we think we ‘ought’ to be living up to. It’s perfectly ok to wish you were snuggled up with someone watching a movie, or on the lash dancing the night away, or finishing your knitting with a nice cocoa..... the point is that it’s whatever you want your Saturday night to be. Mr NM might become something, he might not. But his very existence shows that Legs and relationships are far from over if that’s what Legs wants. Time, Legs, time. If I was in your shoes I’d try online dating. Just for a laugh and a bit of company and something to do of a Saturday night. I’d probably find it terrifying (if I’d have been you I’d have found the idea of a Mr NM terrifying, my last first date was in 1984!) but I’d definitely give it a go. I’m too close to my sixties for comfort now but I’d find a realistic dating site for my age group and have a punt just to meet new people. I would feel lonely like you, I’d find the future daunting, it’s different to be looking at a new life in your fifties or sixties than it is to be thirty or forty, but impossible it surely isn’t. Easy to say but hard to do, let time pass, let life happen, give yourself time to heal. You’re still in pain, Legs, a huge thing has happened to you and you need time to grieve, time to be angry, time to lick your wounds and time to heal. A lot of time. We all want horrible things to be over quickly, but be it a broken leg or a broken heart, they take the time they need to heal and neither can be rushed. It’s early days yet and you’ve achieved a huge amount. All good things come to those that wait. My Mum used to say that and as far as wisdom goes, I struggle to remember when that woman was ever wrong. X

Legs just think back to where you were a year ago. The mere thought of mr nm and actually being intimate with someone was inconceivable to you. Whether he is just a friend or something more it doesn’t matter, he’s been a very important part of your healing process.

For what it’s worth I do think you need someone who is able to be more available for you, maybe have a chat with him and ask if it is something that he might have capacity for in his life.

Either way, I think it would be good for you if you had another social outlet. Summer is a great time for it, maybe find a yoga class or walking group.