More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

Are you ok @MoreLegsThanMe?

Thank you x

so sorry - the app has gone so strange on me since the format change, and my messages have disappeared as I’m hitting the post button. I’ve no idea what’s going on.

I don’t like the format change either!

I’m keeping this short in case it disappears again but will update properly tomorrow, fingers crossed.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe I’m having all sorts of trouble since they revamped the sites, my private messaging page is crazy, can access some but not all, it keeps crashing and glitching. I’ve contacted them with screenshots of the error messages and crashed pages, but despite that they replied again and asked me if I’d show them what was happening when I tried to message and I already had. 🙈 posts keep vanishing too. Take care X

Thank you x

I’m so sorry - I’m just having a wobbly time. Everything seems so hard right now and I can’t seem to get myself out of this hole I’ve dug.

DS starts his GCSEs in exactly two weeks. I have to be “on” for him and to cheer him along. He’s closely followed by DD4 and her A levels. It’s all go. Just makes me realise how tough this all is and how single parents do it I just don’t know. They have my admiration they really do.

I’ll come back tomorrow - knock some sense into me please?

x

Hang on in there! Make yourself an exam timetable, with all the DC's exams on, and just get through that. Maybe plan something nice for you all when they are all over.

They have my admiration they really do.

And you have OURS. You were dealt a very low blow by 'Mr Blow up' and you are getting on with your life. Maybe not as fast as you'd like, but it's a marathon not a sprint.

You can do this! In fact, you are ALREADY doing it! You're putting on your cheerleader face and doing what needs to be done for your DC. What happens after the end of the day is another thing.

Remember that it's OK to feel sad, ok to feel 'weary'. Just try not to 'sink yourself' in it. And it's OK to take it one DC, one exam, and one day at a time.

I’ve recently discovered podcasts @MoreLegsThanMe Do you listen to them?
If not, you might find a teen a useful addition 😉

A pair of headphones also helps. I’ve got a Bluetooth pair so I garden and potter around listening.

Ive been listening to Dr Rangan Chattergee (hmm…check the spelling) who does one weekly about living your best life etc. He had one recently with Dr Julie Smith which I think would be useful for you to hear.

Meanwhile, get cooking and into ‘supportive mum mode’ for your two. I agree… get the exam timetable on the fridge… and don’t forget… it WILL BE OVER.

Legs, first things first:
this ‘hole’ you feel you’re in? You didn’t dig it. That’s why it’s so hard to get over betrayal. You did nothing wrong but you got shoved in a hole. You are not in a hole that you dug.

Right, that’s got that out of the way. It’s hard to deal with change of any kind, especially change that got thrust upon you and was not your choice or your fault. It takes time to grieve what was, it takes time to adjust to what is, and it takes effort to not look too far into the future whilst you are healing and adjusting. With no other considerations in your life, this is still a huge ask. Life doesn’t respect this however, and kids and exams and work and day to day crap still come along as if nothing else was bothering you. Exams are always a stressful time, I’ve got one DC at Uni and another who will do GCSEs next year. It’s stress on drugs.
so add that to the stress of finding your in your new life and you can forgive yourself for feeling like you’re in a hole at the moment.
Breathe, take one day at a time and handle what there is to handle in the moment. Focus on now, not then, or tomorrow. Easy to say, but with practice it really helps. I struggle with this, when I have stress or a wobble I blame my anxiety on the past as well as the present and I ruminate on stuff again, and I start worrying about the future and can “but what if?..,,” myself to death until four in the morning if I really put my mind to it.
Stay in the now. Deal with what’s right in front of you one step at a time. You didn’t dig any hole, Legs, and even when you ended up in someone else’s, you didn’t lie there and give up, you got a ladder and started climbing. Onwards and upwards, Legs, you can do it and we’re all here holding your ladder. You’ll get there X

Hello lovely Legs,

Wobbly time ? We all know it's never always going to be an upward trajectory in the path of healing.

Stop beating yourself up, try to relax and breath, we don't need to hear all positives, we accept you for all your fluctuating moods, we're all the same, in the same boat, just trying to stay afloat.

If you need time away from the thread, don't worry about not getting back all the time, sometimes you just don't want to talk or write about it, I know you will think about it, but definitely, sometimes your energies are required elsewhere, you must be exhausted, keeping everything together, cut yourself some slack.

It's your thread, you come when you want.

Take care
x

I would put your energy into making friends, soon enough your DC will be out of the house and adults, you need to try a build a full life for yourself for when that happens.

I know RA makes things harder, but you have been able to meet a new man, you are certainly capable of making new friends. You seem like a thoughtful person, they would be lucky to have you, and they can help pick you up if you are down.

Thank you x

Such good advice!

@Thewookiemustgo I used the wrong word/phrase there. I meant to say that I feel as though I’m in a hole right now. I feel a bit like I’m trying to scrabble my way back up and out, only the walls are smooth and I can’t find anything to hold onto.

DS had his spoken Spanish exam today. I’m going to put all the others into my phone so that I know what’s happening from the middle of this month until the end of next. So far they are both busy revising but there haven’t been any meltdowns or tantrums, so long may that continue.

They both had good luck cards from ExH yesterday. To DD4 he wrote that he knew she’d been studying hard and revising even harder (how the fuck would he know what she’s been doing?), and that she’d get the results “you richly deserve”. DS had a similar note in his. What a load of old bollocks. DS threw the card away after barely looking at it. I didn’t notice where DD4 put hers.

How dare he send cards like that. How dare he presume what they’ve done and not done, revised and not revised. He abdicated all responsibility for them but will still want to boast about how well they’ll (hopefully) do. He won’t even get to know their grades.

I’ve deleted his details from my phone. I just realised I had no need of his number any more, so why keep it? I do know it by heart anyway but deleting it from my phone was quite a big thing, silly as that sounds.

I just wish the two of them would fuck right off.

Language, sorry.

x

Yaaaay! You just began to divest yourself of some emotional baggage!!! So proud of you!!! As for kids, they know what he’s like. Fuck him.

You are understandably cross about his card sending, Legs, but the kids know.

They KNOW he’s a twat. They KNOW he had an affair and walked out on their mum. They KNOW he’s not played a part in their lives for over a year.

His assumption that he’s still close to his kids is a fallacy.

It does seem terribly selfish to our age group to administer some self care ( or is it just me?) but in order to look after your teens through their exams, you need to look after yourself.

Find what works for you.

Get out into your garden, dig or weed like crazy, then maybe pour some warm water and bubbles into your hole, and call it a bath…?

I’ve not had counselling. I’m sure it’s very good and I know it’s helped people, but it’s just not for me.

I used to think like this and despite struggling to get over issues related to a past relationship I continued to be adamant that counselling wasn't for me.

But then my employer offered us all a 'care package' and this included six counselling sessions! I thought this was too good to be true and think I enquired about it just to prove I was right.

I wasn't and I found myself going along to face to face counselling for six weeks. I began by telling my counsellor I'd come because the sessions were free; I didn't actually have any problems as such.

I talked about my happy childhood, wonderful parents etc and very gradually I began to mention other things - how I'd felt out of place and unprepared for some situations that occurred in my life.

Counselling gave me a space to talk whereas I'm naturally more of a listener, or so I thought. Maybe there was just no one there to listen before.

Slowly I began to see myself and others in my past in a different way. I hardly spoke about the relationship that had caused me so much grief because it somehow didn't seem necessary. I was the one that mattered.

Yet at the end of my sessions I felt a massive weight had been lifted. I felt different about myself. More self assured; more in control in a very 'light' sort of way. The hurt I now feel about the past relationship is less than I ever felt possible.

Thank you x

I’m so sorry. It’s just really hard right now and I don’t even know why. Feels like I’m kind of unravelling.

Of course I won’t do anything but I wish I wasn’t here. It feels like it’s all too much and I’m not coping.

I just failed so spectacularly.

i want it all to go away. I can’t do this for the rest of my life.

Sorry to whine so much, really.

x

You know as well as we do that you haven’t failed. You’ve BEEN failed…. By someone who over-promised and MASSIVELY under-delivered. Your kids are safe and happy. You have NM. You are simply afraid. You do need to speak to people IRL though. You are isolating yourself, which is symptomatic of depression. Your isolation is contributing to this too. Speak to trusted friends openly or see a counsellor: It won’t break you.

I agree with @Fraaahnces you need to talk Legs and get it out, to someone who you can trust.

Why not try looking for some councellor's numbers, make enquiries at least, this stuff needs an outlet.

In the meantime you can always call the Samaritans, if some times are too hard to bear.

Take care
x

Legs, it’s not YOU that doesn’t want to be here, it’s what you’re going through that you want gone. And of course you do.
I think when you have massive trauma to deal with alongside your normal life which won’t stop for a while or respect the fact that something terrible has happened, your brain stuffs away or numbs a lot of the trauma to enable you to just survive. You can have hell in a war zone in your head and still smile as if nothing was wrong and take the kids to school, or go to work and nobody knows that inside you’re broken. I confronted my husband about his affair in bed one evening because I didn’t want the kids to hear. Awful night, world shattered, no sleep, but I got up as normal with the kids, sorted them out with breakfast etc, chatting as usual, took them to the school bus with a big smile and cheery wave. I can’t explain how I did it, I can barely remember it. I was numb and robotic. The pretending everything was ok plus trying to mend my marriage took its toll and it was two years later that I started to unravel and I can only attribute it to the fact that as life calmed down a bit and got back to some kind of ‘normal’ it allowed the things I’d stuffed away and been terrified to look at resurfaced. As of my brain had filed it away for my own good until it thought I could deal with it. Get counselling or talk to someone, Legs, please please do this. Somewhere you can offload to a stranger, process all of it and learn and believe that this is not a failure of yours, you are collateral damage from the character flaws and failings of someone else. You didn’t detonate the bomb, but you were right there when it exploded. Maybe as you’ve steadily improved your brain is revisiting what you need to revisit to get closure and put it behind you. Not forget it, we can’t do that, but we need to know how to deal with it when we get triggered or reminded. Some people suffer terrible clinical depression and can barely get out of bed. Their family are so relieved when they seem to be improving and coping much better, but this is when they are at most risk, because a dip or reminder scares them that they will fall back into the abyss and they can’t face that again.
You are emotionally and mentally exhausted Legs, from being forced by circumstances you did not cause, to cope with your day to day life and recover from trauma at the same time. You need to put the burden of the trauma you are carrying down, unpack it and reduce its size, by talking to someone trained to help you. Reach out, Legs, don’t be afraid to, good counselling is a life changer. If coping without it isn’t working for you, if how you deal with it currently isn’t helping you improve as time goes by, try doing something different, even if ‘it’s not for you’ or you can’t imagine ever doing anything like counselling. Ask yourself if you think your current coping strategies are working for you. If not, change them. Counsellors aren’t there just to unpick your problems or even as some people think to allow navel gazing or wallowing, they will gently give you mental coping strategies and the right things to tell yourself when you need it. Try another way forward with some proper help, Legs, it can get pretty lonely in your own head when you’re the only one who can hear your inner voice. Sending love X

Thank you so much x

I think I’m out the other side of whatever that was - I don’t know exactly what it was, if there’s even a name for it, but I beat it. I don’t know if it’ll happen again but if it does I know I can get through.

A lot if it, I think, was just a complete sense of panic over all the responsibilities I have, and that I’ve literally nobody to share any of them with. Add to that exam stress, worries about money, DD4 leaving soon for university and bigger and bigger gaps between seeing Mr NM, and it all just turned into a massive snowball down a mountain, getting bigger and bigger and faster and faster.

A big dose of self-pity ended up in there too, hating myself for being old/fat/boring/whatever else, and also the loneliness. That’s the killer isn’t it. Sitting here at this time of night knowing that I can’t just reach over and ask for a hug, nobody at all in RL to tell.

I do see what you’re saying about counselling I honestly do. But what I keep coming back to is that all the talking in the world won’t change what’s happened. It won’t change who I am. I don’t know that it could give me any coping strategies. I defy anyone in RL to guess what’s happened. I cope very well because I’ve no choice. I had the antidepressant tablets and took them religiously. I stopped them because I wasn’t 100% sure they helped. I don’t even know if I was depressed - the more time passes the more I think it was just grief. I did then restart them when I had a wobble, but tailed them off pretty quickly and they’ve now been taken off my repeat prescription list.

It’s very hard to admit that, apart from the DC, there is nobody in RL who actually cares about me. Mr NM may do, in his own way, but he can’t be here all the time. It’s pathetic to have got to this age and be in this position.

Well, tonight has been very cathartic. Tomorrow I’ll come back and post about my very boring day, rather than bang on again about myself.

Thank you so much again. You kept me from drowning over the last few days and I’m so, so grateful.

x

Counselling won't change what has happened but it will give you coping strategies and gekp you come to terns with the situation.
Currently you've tucked it away in a box pretending everything is ok, but occasionally a corner opens and it slips out a bit (like the last few days). Soon the lid will open fully and it will hit you so hard.
Why not talk it through before this happens?

Think of counselling as a bit like going to the gym with a personal trainer - you can definitely exercise without one and do ok, but they can help you with your form and show you some new exercises you hadn’t thought of which will make a difference to your strength. It’s not about changing anything that happened, and definitely not changing who you are as you are just perfect already! But it could give you some new ways of looking at things, or techniques for when you feel a bit overwhelmed. You already know you’ve survived 100% of the worst things that have ever happened to you, so hopefully you’re feeling a bit stronger again already!

Thank you x

@SortingItOut I sometimes talk it through with myself if that makes sense. I won’t let the lid open while I still have the DC here. Once they’ve both left, it can be different.

I couldn’t bear the thought of faux sympathy from anyone. I can’t tell this stuff to anyone in RL because of that. I know I just need to toughen up a bit more and stop whining but it’s hard if I’m honest.

@Sunbird24 i really am not perfect. I’m the least perfect person I know. I feel like I do nothing except moan and complain here. I know I’ve got through stuff, but I’ve had little option.

Do you think Dastardly and Muttley ever think about what they’ve done, and all they’ve managed to destroy between them? Or are they too busy admiring the Beautiful Home and enjoying the delightful blow-up dick…?

DS starts his exams next week and they go on til the end of next month. DD4 starts hers at the end of this month. They’re both revising hard and staying back at school for revision sessions.

Also it’s my birthday next week. It’ll just be another day. I see nothing to celebrate really. All this shit has even taken away the enjoyment of my own birthday. It’s just another ordinary day now.

Moan, moan, moan.

Sorry

x

I’m just so lonely and it’s like a physical pain.

more moaning

x

It is a physical pain Legs, the death of a marriage, especially a long one but you will get through this.

Regardless of how you do it, time has a way of pushing you onwards and you can be sure that when the physical pain eases you will find yourself stronger.

There will not be much that will make you hurt anymore. I think many women and men who are made to go through this, emerge changed and different.

Peace will come, it takes time, but it will come.

Take care

What have you been doing around the garden legs? Mine is starting to come together quite nicely this year. What else do you have plans for the summer?

I hate exam season with a passion my youngest particularly does not handle stress well. She’s got an OU assignment due in soon, it’s the long last one and I don’t think she’s started it, it’s due next week I think, I’m very tempted to go away for the weekend, one thing I have found is the tension does tend to diminish once the first couple of exams are out the way. It’s very difficult as a mum to not try and help, in your situation it’s very difficult not to feel resentment towards him when all the mental load of this is on you. But honestly he’s irrelevant now. You are a single mum and yes you get to handle this bit alone, but you also have the lions share of all the good family things. Let me just say that one more time …. He is irrelevant. The kids don’t actively seek him out, in the case of your ds he actively avoids even the use of his name. Whatever happiness he has found with muttley and his blow up dick, I think he’ll be in for a very lonely old age.

the pre exam bleurgh will pass, you have nm from time to time, but keep building on your own life, think a bit more about getting a dog the company will be really helpful come September.