More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

Thank you x

@Fraaahnces that’s a good idea. At least I can dream!

@mymymy0 I live to read. My kindle was one of the best buys ever and I try now to put down my phone and read for a bit, every night.

@WitchDancer Mr NM has the same headphone band thingy. He wakes often in the night and listens to podcasts etc. I never hear a thing do they must be very good and comfortable to sleep in?

@AcrossthePond55 my problem is falling asleep. When I wake up in the night I might go for a glass of water or whatever but I do manage to then get back to sleep. I think it’s an issue of not being able to turn off my mind and intrusive thoughts before I go to sleep. I wish someone would invent a magic potion that would give eight hours of quality sleep followed by waking up full of the joys of spring. But I don’t think anyone will..

Don’t laugh but I’ve even thought of buying one of those big long pillows that pregnant women use, just so I can have something to hold at night. That’s seriously messed up isn’t it, and very embarrassing to admit.

DD4 and DS have been revising today. I got out into the garden, just to start a tidy up. And for my troubles I think I’ve torn my calf muscle. I just stretched out to reach something and I heard/felt this horrible tearing sensation. Then I realised I could barely get back up. I’ve kept it bandaged up until I went to bed. It’s very sore now.

There’ll be no gardening tomorrow as it’s pouring with rain now. I’m sure I have enough ironing to keep me busy for a while now.

Mr NM and his DS are away until Thursday now. He sent a quick message just to say they’d arrived and I don’t expect to hear from him now until they get back. Much as I’d like to message him, as I’ve said before this is his time with his DS so I leave very well alone. That is best, yes?

It’s DS’s birthday next week and it will be interesting to see what ExH does. He hasn’t contacted them much recently, although did ask DD4 when her exams were and which university she was going to. She deleted his message straightaway, just like all the others….

I think the DC are all still doing okay. It all doesn’t seem to have dented their confidence, but I still feel so so guilty and ashamed that it’s happened to them. I doubt ExH thinks anything at all,

x

Their confidence should be higher knowing that they have achieved everything despite his abysmal “parenting” and personality. He really is an apology of a person. A walking guilt trip. Too little, too late. You are the opposite and they know this. You have carried them. You do Aretha Franklin proud, Chickie.

Just catching up.

Wow. This man’s last name will not be the same as his future grandchildren. He will be very erased if your son changes his name. Once he learns of this it will gut him to the core.

Good.

I have been keeping up with you since your first posts and you are doing so well! It’s natural to want intimacy and snuggles…you’ve gone without that for so long. Your Ex is so vile.

Had a good belly laugh (jiggled and everything…thanks COVID weight gain) over that woman having to keep him. LOL she is sooooooo dumb. She is spending money on this low value man when she could be spending it on her children.

She will resent him faster than you think. I am here for his day of reckoning! It’s on its way! Especially since he seems fine to accept money and resources from a woman. Yuck.

I know things are difficult but you have made my Monday with your strength, honesty, and good character!

I think it’s an issue of not being able to turn off my mind and intrusive thoughts before I go to sleep.

I've been there. If the TV didn't distract me, then I relived past 'good times' to try to redirect my thoughts. Not just 'remembering' them, but literally 'narrating' them to myself in minute detail as if I was talking to a third person. Nothing involving the person/event/worry I didn't want to think about, so sometimes I thought about childhood Xmases, holidays, special days in school, etc. If I found my mind wandering where I didn't want it to go I used the mantra "I'm not thinking about that now, I'm thinking about " .

I also used to recite the poem 'Jabberwocky' to myself very slowly. I don't know why that particular poem seemed to distract me, but it did.

You will eventually get through this and you'll develop a new sleep pattern.

Much as I’d like to message him, as I’ve said before this is his time with his DS so I leave very well alone. That is best, yes

Yes, follow his lead. If he messages you reply but if he doesn't you don't either.

I do this with my partner when he has his son, I think it is there time and is special and he won't want me distracting him.

What are your plans for the garden this year legs?

My dd is getting married and I’m (foolishly maybe) trying to grow the flowers for the bouquet. It’s my first year of trying a cutting patch, it’s previously a veg patch, but the planning and prep it’s taken has been very interesting. I’m going to sleep thinking, I should sow some more of these tomorrow, oh I forgot to Sow the wallflowers for next year have I left it too late, are zinnia cut and come again or do I need to sow more and when can I plant them out?

But having an ongoing project is really taking my mental capacity and I’m sleeping better because of it, you could try a new bed in the garden for this sort of thing, plan the colour scheme, it’s about the right time to direct sow things so it’s not too late and seeds are cheap.

And yes yes yes to the pillow, if anything happened between me and DH I would waste no time letting the dog up overnight, or a pillow or even a bloody teddy bear. It’s your space, do what works.

I think the big pillow sounds like a great idea, legs, like a comfort thing, nothing wrong with that. I find if I can't switch off at night I go on YouTube and there's a guy called Michael Sealey who does these lovely relaxation hypnotherapy type thingys. I get to sleep much quicker if I listen to one of them and if I do wake in the night I get back to sleep straight away instead of lying there for ages with my mind racing. He's got such a lovely soothing voice, I think he might be Australian by his accent, there are loads of different ones for different things. It's awful when you can't switch off

I agree with Jackie, the pillow is a good idea, there's a reason lots of us had cuddly toys as children, it's a comfort, go for it. Or buy a giant cuddly toy

I agree that the pillow is a good idea. Whatever works for you, you don't need to explain it to anyone. If you do need an excuse then your poorly leg is it

I have a couple of headphone headbands. One is the same kind of material as one you would use to hold back your hair, soft and thin, which is my favourite. The other is more like an eye mask and is padded, sounds nice but it feels tighter than the other even though I have a size small head. You just have to experiment with what works for you. Maybe you can try NM's and see how that feels before you buy?

Yes pillow is a very good idea Legs. After my DH of 40 years died I cuddled up to a booster pillow (anyone remember those?) found this to be a great comfort at night something to hold on to. Now have two cuddly cats on the bed.

Thank you so much x

@Fraaahnces I haven’t done anything that anyone else wouldn’t do. I am very blessed to have bright and intelligent DC who have all worked very hard and done so well in their individual ways. I’m just in the background!

@JustKittenAround DS is ready to sign his change of name Deed. I am waiting until his sixteenth birthday (next week) to have him do so. Then if ExH does get to hear of it there will be nothing he can do. I feel like sending him a copy “for his records”. That probably sounds very catty and I doubt very much I’d do it, but it’s tempting.

@AcrossthePond55 I hope my sleep does improve sooner rather than later. It’s a constant reminder -daily - of what happened. I did think that by now it might have got better but maybe not too much longer..

Thanks @SortingItOut. I do try to put myself in Mr NM’s shoes. When he’s with his DS that’s their time and even though there are times when I feel I’d really like to contact him, I steer clear. I’m glad you think it’s for the best. It kind of validates what I’m doing.

@Billybagpuss my one absolute plan this year is to give my lawns some love. I had the man out about three weeks ago to scarify, and he got so much moss out I could hardly believe it. He was back just today putting the spring treatment on and has said I can cut it in two days. I think he might need to re-seed some patches where the moss was taken away, but I just leave all that to him. I want to grow some more herbs and I’d like to try potatoes but I don’t know if I’m too late for those? You’re very brave growing flowers for cutting for the wedding. How lovely though for your daughter to carry a bouquet from mum’s own garden.

And to you and everyone else suggesting the pillow is a good idea and not bloody pathetic - I’ve ordered a 6’ one. When the bed is made I’ll keep it behind the pillows to keep everything tidy.

@KeziaOAP I am so sorry for your trouble. Your loss must be very hard to bear. Puts my problems into perspective really.

And @WitchDancer I’ll ask Mr NM if I can try his headband when I’m next there. His sounds the same as your first one. It’s very light and I think it fastens with Velcro? I never hear a sound if I wake up in the night. Either he has it on at a very low volume or it’s brilliant at keeping the sound in.

I’m hoping the weather takes a turn for the better tomorrow so I can have a chance to do a bit more garden tidying. I need to bring the table and chairs out of the garage to put back on the patio. And I really need to jet wash the patio too.

Thank you all again. Maybe tomorrow I’ll come back and not whine at all!

x

I have an electric heated pillow Legs, gives me something warm to put my icy feet on in bed but doesn’t snore…

Thank you Sunbird. Am looking forward to my pillow arriving.

I do know that I’m fed up with this loneliness. It’s hard to explain. I have DC in the house and the others I’m also in contact with daily, but I still feel lonely and I hate it …

x

I've not long had a weighted blanket. It feels like being cuddled. Might be worth a try?

I can't recall if you have had counselling, if you haven't I really think you would benefit from it.

One of the top factors in loneliness is relationship breakdowns/divorce as these also impact your self esteem.

I wonder if you can work through your thoughts and feelings on loneliness?

I know you have your children but what else do you have? Friends? hobbies?
I think you need to expand your life a bit more - what are your interests?

@TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat

I've not long had a weighted blanket. It feels like being cuddled. Might be worth a try?

Weighted blankets are awesome!!!

It’s done it again and deleted my long post!!

@MoreLegsThanMe

It’s done it again and deleted my long post!!

I'm finding this a LOT on the mobile app! Very annoying!

I still think you're doing amazingly Legs, you're so much stronger than you give yourself credit. I understand the lonely feeling and actually really recommend a pillow or a weighted blanket - they're amazing. I have a pillow that I've had since childhood - it's a feather pillow and always cold, which I love! DH says I chase it around the bed sometimes in my sleep but he can't take it away as I'll fight him!

Just keep on going, you're doing amazing xx

I was saying how I’d played chauffeur to the DC over the weekend, and I hoped you’d all had a peaceful Easter break.

@TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat and @JustKittenAround I’ve seen weighted blankets and they look awesome, but the big ones are pretty expensive aren’t they. My big pillow has arrived and it’s huge! It does feel lovely to have something to cuddle and hold onto though, even though it doesn’t talk to me.

Yesterday was DS’s birthday. It’s such a cliche but I really don’t know where the time has gone. I remember every detail of the day he was born and I remember feeling absolutely complete, and so happy. ExH cried when he held him and I thought he was happy too. But there’s every chance he was just acting wasn’t he. Playing a part.

He sent DS a card which was thrown, unread, into the rubbish pile. The thought that he and Muttley chose it together (in all probability) just makes me feel sick. Along with anger. I really genuinely hate the pair of them.

@SortingItOut I’ve not had counselling. I’m sure it’s very good and I know it’s helped people, but it’s just not for me. For me it just seems very self-indulgent to sit and talk to a perfect stranger about the most personal intimate aspects of your life. I just don’t think I could. And it wouldn’t change what’s happened or make ExH suddenly appear and tell me the truth about what happened during those thirty-eight years. I do talk to Mr NM, usually when the wine is flowing, but I’m careful not to turn him into my therapist.

Do you think it’s true that some wounds just can’t ever be fully healed?

I have no friends to speak of - ExH wasn’t really keen on me having any. My hobbies are the usual boring things. I used to like to ride but my rheumatoid has pretty much made that impossible. It’s a horrible disease that just makes everything hard or harder. I never complained about it when ExH was here. But it is hard and having Covid late last year and rheumatoid on top made me feel even worse.

Being ill is shit when you’re on your own with DC isn’t it. Luckily we all muddled through together but I I can’t imagine what would’ve happened had they been younger. It must be so, so hard being alone with small DC.

I’ve banged on a bit again tonight haven’t I - I’m sorry. I’m using you lovely lovely lot as my personal counsellors.

Long may it continue…

x

@MoreLegsThanMe For me it just seems very self-indulgent to sit and talk to a perfect stranger about the most personal intimate aspects of your life

I think like this and I have counselling, I find it terribly self indulgent but I don't care.
Finally after 25 years of being a mum/wife/daughter I consider myself first and talk about anything and everything for an hour.
Honestly its the best thing I've ever done for myself,its really helped me understand myself and why I'm like I am.
It won't bring your ex back but it will help you get your thoughts together so you can move on.

Please don't use Mr NM as your therapist. It's not healthy for your relationship as it sounds like you're hung up on your ex still and not ready for a relationship.
He was a stranger once but you spoke to him about your personal thoughts, a counsellor who you see regularly would soon not be a stranger.

I believe that most wounds can be healed (the ones that I don't think can involve sexual abuse).

My ex husband didn't have a physical affair or leave me for someone else but he did have constant emotional affairs for our 17yr marriage (and I think any type of affair is tough to cope with, it damages you in ways you don't even realise) and was emotionally abusive (but I didn't know he was abusive until I was out).
I am 4 years down the line and I have no hatred for him, I actually feel sorry for him, although I could blame him 100% I didn't, I accept 50% of the blame for my crap marriage because I could have been stronger and left him earlier but I didn't (because he threatened suicide and because of our DD). I actually feel at peace regarding my marriage and have no bitterness towards him.

I'd like to see you get to a place like that - acceptance and no hatred.

I hope you can see that him not liking you to have friends was a form of abuse.
Why were you not really allowed friends?
Why did you have to spend all your time at home?

I know not being physically able is a barrier but it would be good for you to get out and about and hopefully meet new people and make friends and get some new hobbies.

You are doing great and have come so far. Onwards and upwards.

You can’t give yourself the slightest credit for even being there can you?
YOU ARE THERE WHERE THEY NEED YOU LEGS!!!
Where is he?
He is in the wind.
Sending smooshed bits of his own cake.
What a man.

Legs I just have to share this image with you - I think it is so powerful. It sounds like your thoughts are very tangled and causing you a lot of distress. This image is, to me, a perfect visualisation of what counselling can do.

I couldn't disagree more about counselling being self-indulgent and not changing anything. It can change your perspective, your understanding of yourself, and your understanding of how and why other people think and behave the way they do.

It can help you to come to terms with things, find peace, value yourself, leave behind old unhelpful ways of thinking, and move forward in a very healthy and positive way.

It won't change what has happened, or get the truth out of XH, or bring him back, or change who he is, or anything like that, but it can help you to leave him behind.

It can literally change your life. Please give it a go.

Hi Legs, the thing about counselling is finding the one who you ‘click’ with. Obviously they should be a great listener, but the point of them being a great listener is that they need to be listening carefully for patterns in your thinking and having the skill to know when to kindly and carefully steer you away from stuff that doesn’t serve you. They listen to find point the erroneously negative things you might be telling yourself and explore how you got to those beliefs about yourself, life, and how you relate to others. Finding your values and belief systems (you might not realise what some of them are until a wise question reveals it) and where you might have learned them from, and how well (or badly) they let you live your inner life, is so, so valuable. Of your first counsellor just let you talk and didn’t try to guide you or gently question you at key points, they are being sympathetic but not helping you. That might be why you came away thinking that it was self-indulgent.
Don’t ever minimise what you have been through and are still going through, Legs. It’s trauma and it has a profound effect on even the strongest of people. You didn’t go through a war, no. But your life got ripped apart and many of your beliefs about him, your marriage and your life, past, present and future, got blown to smithereens. This is no small beer, Legs. You are doing well, you are incredible, but you are also traumatised. Even if you don’t go to counselling, get yourself some books or do some googling about the way trauma affects the brain. People suffer PTSD after a big betrayal. Counsellors and psychologists have spotted similar symptoms of PTSD amongst their clients in therapy who sought help with their thoughts and feelings after their partners had an affair. They realised that the anxious, angry, negative, sometimes bitter and resentful moments they had, were interfering with their ability to enjoy life and realised time wasn’t healing this. I’m not suggesting for a minute that this is you, but if you feel that you still don’t feel like ‘you’ and that you want some support, try counselling again.
Infidelity induced PTSD is becoming a recognised issue in psychology and it’s not self-indulgent to seek help, whether counselling or just reading up about it yourself. Give it a Google: “infidelity induced PTSD” and see if any of it rings a bell. Sending love X

I must admit Leg's I'm a bit like you, I think my councelling days are over, I tried a few but probably didn't find the right fit.
I hope you're getting in the garden more, Ive decided to rearange some stuff and have a garden makeover. along with a huge spring clean. Getting things in order for some reason make my mind feel more ordered, a feeling of coping better, more peace.
I'm a bit of an animal lover so the new cat and my wonderful dog get all my outpouring of love and they love back (well the dog does) the cats a bit hit and miss and the walks are a lovely way to meet new people.

Keep as active as you can, I know it must be hard with your illness but being physically busy usually makes my mind too tired to ruminate and you have your lovely house with a garden.

Keep doing what you're doing Legs, your courage has been amazing and you should aknowledge that, and how far you have travelled, you have had a great deal of pain to deal with and dealt with it with such aplomb.
Your family are lucky to have your staunch reliability, always there, a good mother, you have much to be proud of.

Take care
xx

I’m sure it’s very good and I know it’s helped people, but it’s just not for me. For me it just seems very self-indulgent to sit and talk to a perfect stranger about the most personal intimate aspects of your life. I just don’t think I could.

@MoreLegsThanMe

You must do what you feel is best for you, but for me counseling was the exact opposite of 'self-indulgent'. It was very hard work and uncomfortable at times to expose myself to myself with the help of a trained professional. But I knew I could only 'get better/get over' my relationship issues if I dragged them into the bright sunlight, examined them, and then found a way (with trained help) to 'put them where they belonged' both in my 'head' and 'in the past'. It was a hard slog but it worked and I am so much happier and at peace with my life, both past and present. I feel more confident that when I take an action or make a decision, it is the right one for me, at that time. And if it turns out to be a wrong decision as none of us are perfect, well, I have no guilt or regret in forging a 'new path'.

And TBH for me talking to a 'perfect stranger' (although you do forge a relationship of a sort with a counselor) was actually easier than talking to someone who I felt was 'emotionally invested' in me and therefore might not be completely candid with me or that I might worry would change their opinion of me.