More Legs chapter four - the one where life begins again. There’s a whole world out there..

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread for the new year.

Aiming for more positivity than negativity, although slagging off ExH, the OW and their Beautiful Home is still allowed…

x

Don't know if this will help, but I found that for me there were two types of anger - a boiling red kind, and a clear steely blue kind. Once my red anger had turned blue, I was able to be more detached and therefore cope much better.

If it helps to hate him - go ahead as long as you need to.
Keep in mind though that long-term anger/bitterness has side-effects. It would be good to work at being free of it - when you can.

He (Dastardly) is not the man you thought he was.
It is likely that he never was.
From over here he seems weak/false/pathetic .

When you wish for someone to hug you - give unconditional love - be an interested companion - see the real you - share your life etc. You are not really wishing for him but for the him you hoped that he would be. He isn't up to any of that.

You actually have the best of him: your children.
You also have plenty of time and strength to spend on yourself and persons worth your efforts and your feelings.

(If it helps, remember that Muttley hasn't got that wished-for man either... Dastardly just hasn't got it in him!)

Also @MoreLegsThanMe… Maybe you should give yourself PERMISSION to hate him. He’s been unforgivably loathsome since before Muttley came along. You need to dredge up your genuine feelings about who he REALLY was all through your marriage and allow them sit within you in a truly genuine way. You spent so long painting over the cracks and re-writing your marriage story that you very nearly fell for it yourself. You needed the myth to survive, but if you’re honest, you knew that’s exactly what it was.
He was never the man you pretended you thought he was and he was never a good, kind man to you or your kids. He was always a hollow, empty shell of a man.

Thank you all so much x

So much wisdom. Everything you all say resonates with me. I wish I could articulate better how it helps. I really feel as though you’ve all saved me. Sounds melodramatic but I don’t mean it to be.

This too will no doubt sound ridiculous, but I still feel that the divorce is a sign of failure. If I’d been better, thinner, prettier…I know it’s pathetic but the feeling sneaks in. I always was so proud of how long we’d been married. At work I’d deal with women who were married to complete bastards and I used to thank my lucky stars that I was married to such a good man. How could I have been so so stupid, so gullible.

Look at me - just yapping on about myself again.

DD4 and DS have now finished their mock exams and their plan is to revise throughout the Easter break. Because of Covid (what else) DD4 still hasn’t completed everything on the curriculum. So as well as revising she has new stuff on top to learn. It’s such a shame that after missing out on her GCSEs her A levels are disrupted too. So many DC affected by this. I feel so badly for them.

She has applied for halls at Exeter and now the waiting begins. Student finance application has gone off. I have so little money coming in that she thinks she’ll be entitled to a bursary too.

All this going on keeps my mind from straying which it insists on doing whether I want it to or not. He’d better not turn up with Easter eggs to leave at the front door then scuttle away, like he did last year.

Is it normal to sometimes just want to be held? In bed, in the dark, just so you can hear the other person’s heartbeat. I’m not talking about sex, just being safe and quiet and having someone next to you. Without even saying anything, just being there. I think a large part of my current mood is down to sheer loneliness. As I’ve said upthread, Mr NM is very busy right now with work. I won’t see him for a while. Maybe knowing that is making
me more lonely just now.

Thank you all so much for being there for me. I could certainly use a good hug, even a virtual one.

x

As a follower of this thread from Day 1 consider yourself (virtually) hugged.
You are very strong and it's totally normal to feel lonely. I also think it's difficult to suddenly find friends when you have devoted yoursel to family and work.
I find myself in a similar position knowing that I should 'get a hobby' or 'make new friends'. Easier said than done.
I guess this isn't particularly helpful but you have achieved so much and I hope your journey continues to improve x

(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Absolutely normal to want comfort @MoreLegsThanMe. Dastardly probably didn’t do the caring and nurturing, did he? He pretended he did, but it was really apologizing.

Thank you x

@sparkleywallpaper I know exactly what you mean about friends/hobbies. It’s not simple is it.

@Bjarnum and @JackieQueen thank you for the hugs and flowers. All helps.

@Fraaahnces I don’t know. I always thought she cared. He definitely went through the motions although of course at the time I thought he was just doing whatever because he loved me. Stupid cow that I am.

Much of what I thought was true and my life probably wasn’t. I thought I was safe and secure until one of us died. Again, stupid cow.

I hate how all this has turned me into someone who very probably won’t trust anyone ever again. I trusted that man with my life.

It’s just such a feeling of what a waste. If he’d done this a year or two into the marriage that’s one thing, but to wait until we had five DC….

Although of course he may well have been doing it from the beginning. I will never know. Even if he sat in front of me right now and told me what he had it hadn’t done, I’d not believe him.

I guess that some things can’t ever be forgiven.

Thank you for listening to my moaning (again).

x

But you’ve already started to trust again, it’s baby steps but you wouldn’t have made the connection you have with nm, and even the idiot previous nm that didn’t work out. You are able to put yourself out there.

Are you angrier at him or yourself @MoreLegsThanMe? You’re so much kinder when you discuss him than when you discuss yourself.

Please don't refer to yourself as a stupid cow Legs, you really aren't. Yes you trusted him and yes that trust was abused. But you only did what we all do in a relationship. We all have to make the decision to trust the other person it's the only way that the whole thing works. Sadly the person you trusted abused that, but the fact that he abused your trust is not your fault.
He chose to break your trust, he chose to break his family, he chose another sadder life. You do not chose any of this. You had no choices, because you didn't have the facts to hand. The moment you knew the facts you acted for yourself and your children.
They were not the actions of a stupid woman. You cannot be stupid if you act appropriately upon receiving knowledge. Lack of knowledge does not equal stupidity, it equals lack of knowledge. Please don't berate yourself like this, you deserved none of this and you have fought so hard to get to this point. Have words with your negative inner voice and tell it to do one!

Thank you x

@Billybagpuss I do trust Mr NM. I do. But it’s not the blind trust I had before. I don’t think I’ll ever be like that again. I trusted completely and look what happened. I think I feel that I can’t ever risk that again, if that makes sense.

@Fraaahnces that’s a good question. I am still very angry at myself. I blame myself still for not noticing anything, never having any misgivings, just not knowing. I’m sure some people will think I must have seen something or noticed behaviour changes, but no. I really didn’t.

That now = stupidity as far as I’m concerned. How can you live with someone who effectively has two lives and just genuinely not know? It seems unbelievable now. That leads me to your post @Pashazade. I do think of myself as stupid. Very stupid. Stupid to have been so trusting and loving and giving while he basically sat back laughing at me.

It’s so unfair that I’m a nice person and have never hurt anyone in my life, and yet now I’m the one who’s alone and a single parent. The one at fault has a partner, a Beautiful Home, and is being kept by Muttley in the lifestyle to which he’s been accustomed. I can’t help but feel she must have no self-esteem to stay shacked up with someone who contributes virtually nothing while she’s responsible for rent, Council Tax, food, the list goes on. I don’t know the situation regarding her 3 youngest DC. I’m not sure they’d all fit in the Beautiful Home, so she must have some
complicated arrangements for seeing them.

Reading that he seems such an unlikely catch. Two pathetic sad bastards together, probably declaring undying love on a regular basis. Eeuuww.

I’m starting to like offloading and complaining to you all. It feels very good not to have to hold this in all the time.

x

You are NOT stupid. And loving the wrong person doesn't make one stupid. You were deceived. He took care to make sure you were deceived. That is on him being evil, not you being 'stupid'. Don't punish yourself for his sins.

You may be wiser now, but that doesn't mean you were stupid before.

So she's keeping them in the lifestyle they are accustomed too?
A beautiful house that she can't fit all her kids into?
Doesn't sound all that great to me. You need to stop thinking they are having a great time Doesn't sound wonderful at all.

I think you need to remind yourself that they both probably feel very ripped off with each other right now. She has a useless, boring old lump who does sweet F.A. brings in nothing, and I bet he didn’t envision living in with her whiny brats.

I’ve said it before @MoreLegsThanMe, but if a friend was deceived by a cheating turd of a husband, would you think she was ‘a stupid cow’? You need to stop berating and start forgiving yourself. Why should you have known? Why should you have been looking for clues when you were busy running a home, bringing up 5 children, a job and a husband - who chose to cheat? That’s on him not you. He cheated, lied and deceived - as a decent person who doesn’t do these things, you didn’t expect it so didn’t look for it. That’s not stupidity - that’s living your life with the knowledge you have. And WHY in God’s name do you always assume their life together is so wonderful?? He hasn’t had a personality transplant, their life will most likely be a boring mishmash of tension, dishonesty, resentment and regret - why wouldn’t it be with those amoral people? Please try very hard to turn your view of their life to something approaching reality. And definitely show yourself the kindness and sympathy you’d show any friend who was unlucky enough to be in your situation.

Thank you x

It’s true I am much harder than myself than on other people. I have no idea why. I’ve always been that way.

And I suppose I imagine their life must be Practically Perfect because to think of it as a pretty boring, mundane life makes me say why for fucks sake would he give up the life we had for one only in a tiny overcrowded flat? What would be the point?!! Does that make sense? (I think I’ve mentioned this before, so I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself.)

It was DD1’s birthday on Thursday. I didn’t ask if she’d heard from him and I realised I didn’t particularly care. Any upset I felt was for her not having a hug from her own DF on her birthday, let alone any present. Last year I was desperate to find out if he’d remembered, but not any more. It is DS’s birthday shortly too, so I’ll see how I feel on that day…

I’m at the point now where I’m quite content with the days. I’m managing okay I think. But at nights, that’s my worst time. I’m still awake a lot of the night, just thoughts going round and round. Worry about the future, about loneliness. I hate the nights still. If you have any tips…I’ve tried sleeping tablets and melatonin was worse than useless.

And look at the time now. The worst part of the day is just beginning.

But I’ll be back tomorrow moaning and whining again!

x

Start planning things you’d like to do with Mr NM. Things you’ve never done before… places you’ve never been… Food you’d like to try cooking… Restaurants you’d like to investigate… Wine you’d like to drink… Countries you’d like to visit, etc…

Do you read, Legs? I have to read at night to completely wind down, and ensure a decent sleep. You could come on here to post, then pick up a book until you fall asleep and hopefully stay asleep. Would let your mind focus on something else before sleep

@Fraaahnces

Start planning things you’d like to do with Mr NM. Things you’ve never done before… places you’ve never been… Food you’d like to try cooking… Restaurants you’d like to investigate… Wine you’d like to drink… Countries you’d like to visit, etc…

Also second this

I listen to Audiobooks when I wake in the night. I've got a soft headband with speakers in, which is not a glam look but it does mean I can have it quiet and I set it to turn off at the end of the chapter so if I do fall asleep then I know where I was up to. It stops the million thoughts tramping round and round my head for sure.

I also listen to audiobooks for menopausal insomnia.(and lifelong habitual insomnia)

It is so hard to 'retrain' your sleep patterns once they get disrupted. Is it not being able to fall asleep or waking and not being able to get back to sleep? There are medications for both and taking the 'wrong one' won't help the problem.

I put a documentary on the bedroom TV, set the timer for 60 mins, and take my glasses off and close my eyes. I pick something I'm not rabidly interested in so I don't get invested in it.

One thing you don’t seem to mention is friends, these are the people who you should be turning to when you feel lonely, to support you and listen to you when your DC get on your nerves.

Do you have people in your life like this OP? If not, start cultivating better friendships and you won’t feel so vulnerable, and like you need to rely on one person/partner for all your emotional support.