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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He can't/won't hold an emotional connection

76 replies

Glowingsnow · 01/01/2022 20:47

We started dating in the summer and would see eachother once a week on average however he would make no communication with me in-between dates as in call or text which I felt would have helped us get to know each other better (I did reach out and call him at times). He is very loving when we are together and things have progressed slightly etc but he can happily (so it seems) go without seeing me or contacting me but if I contact him, he immediately makes himself available. I genuinely feel he is into me and he talks about the future with us etc.

AIBU to break it off as I find it very confusing as to why he is making it so hard to have a emotional connection as I feel this is needed to bring us closer and move forward.

I have spoken to him about it in the past but things have not improved. I don't know if he has any connection issues, protecting himself or what, I find it very confusing and frustrating and debating whether to start the new year fresh without him.

OP posts:

supercali77 · 01/01/2022 20:49

Honestly? I would. He obviously for whatever reason is this way and you aren't. If you're trying to figure someone out more than ypure actually seeing them its just wasted time. X

Thevalley · 01/01/2022 20:50

Please stop making excuses on his behalf.

I hate to be harsh but he's just not that into you.

MadMadMadamMim · 01/01/2022 20:55

I'd bin him. He doesn't make enough effort for you and it's frustrating. Who cares what the reason is? It's unimportant. It's his behaviour that isn't meeting your needs and therefore you need to end this relationship and look for someone more compatible. Added to which, you've raised this as being a problem for you and he hasn't changed.

Give up.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/01/2022 21:01

Sounds like he might be a fearful avoidant. Or at least an introvert.

This is who he is. He won't change. It sounds like you're not compatible.

I had a very close male friend like this. I had to do all the work but he was always very responsive and always fully engaged when we were together. With other people he made zero effort (to the extent that he rarely said hello) so, in his eyes, he was very engaged and connected with me. I cared about him very much but in the end I just couldn't take feeling like I always was driving everything. I still miss him but I had to walk away for the sake of my own self-esteem. We were just too different.

Original poster

Glowingsnow · 01/01/2022 21:08

He is actually an extrovert and is very sociable and good with people apart from when it comes to the emotional side in relationships with women, I assume this is the reason why he has been single for so long.

It is a shame because we are compatible in many other ways.

OP posts:

me4real · 01/01/2022 21:10

He sounds crap and like he doesn't genuinely give much of a shit. Bin.

Original poster

Glowingsnow · 01/01/2022 21:20

I broke things off early on for this reason. I then noticed he put his barriers up higher. Something serious happened in his last relationship (along time ago) so it is possible he is protecting himself. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for him

OP posts:

Thevalley · 01/01/2022 21:20

Sorry but the truth is when he finds a girl he wants and wants to keep he'll be 100% emotionally available.

Or he's really crap and has a low emotional IQ. not a keeper. Your life would be miserable

Thevalley · 01/01/2022 21:22

Something serious happened in his last relationship why are you excusing a grown man?
My husband had a tough previous marriage , she cheated. We met a few months later and he was absolutely available and committed and we're now married.

Original poster

Glowingsnow · 01/01/2022 21:23

@Thevalley but he's been this way from the start so I don't believe that is the reason. The emotional IQ I'm not sure of however he is highly educated (think surgeon) and very intelligent.

OP posts:

Original poster

Glowingsnow · 01/01/2022 21:26

@Thevalley I'm just trying to get to the bottom of the reason as I don't want to throw it away if things will improve as we get on great and are compatible is other ways as I mentioned above.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 01/01/2022 21:27

Yes break it off

You deserve to be happy and have your needs in a relationship met.

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/01/2022 21:50

@Glowingsnow

It is a shame because we are compatible in many other ways.

So he's a fearful avoidant most likely. Google it and see if it sounds like him. Basically he's not emotionally available. So don't waste your time. The first 6 months should be the best. You're kidding yourself if you think things will improve.

Penguinwaddler · 01/01/2022 22:02

I've spent almost 4 years hoping things would improve, and it didn't. You can't base a relationship on potential just because you are compatible in other ways. It's a draining and exhausting experience where you hope you will be the one patient enough for him to open up.

If he has difficulties with emotional/intimacy/connection, it is his responsibility to acknowledge this and heal.

Of course everyone's situation is different - and it would be nice if yours did blossom!

Wreath21 · 01/01/2022 22:04

He's not that bothered; he has other priorities. It isn't necessarily a terrible thing but it does sound as though it makes the two of you incompatible. Mind you, maybe you could do with a hobby or something to engage your attention other than A Relationship.

Thevalley · 02/01/2022 09:53

You can't base a relationship on potential

Absolutely this.

If he's been like this from the start I don't understand the attraction they way you grow with a partner is to be emotionally available otherwise you're living in a fantasy.
Life is tough, you will have to deal with a lot of crap in your lifetime. Imagine going through this with someone who is emotionally unavailable.
A partnership is meant to be a partnership where you both support each other through tough times.

I'm just trying to get to the bottom of the reason as I don't want to throw it away if things will improve as we get on great and are compatible is other ways as I mentioned above

Bottom of the reason - he's just not that into you.
Throw what away? Someone who has made you miserable to the point you're on a forum asking for advice
Great and compatible ...but you're not. In no way are you compatible.

ChristmasFluff · 02/01/2022 12:08

Remember, people always show their best selves at the start.

This is not going ot get better - it will probably get worse. Unless this is what you want for the rest of your relationship, break it off.

The reasons why he is like this are not your concern. You are not his therapist.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 02/01/2022 12:11

I'll never understand why women stick around and try to make excuses for and understand why someone is rejecting them.

Human beings are pretty simple mostly and will be where they want to be. If he's not present it's because he doesn't care enough to be.

Move on op!

Nathlash · 02/01/2022 12:25

[quote Glowingsnow]@Thevalley but he's been this way from the start so I don't believe that is the reason. The emotional IQ I'm not sure of however he is highly educated (think surgeon) and very intelligent.[/quote]
My next door neighbour is a surgeon. He has the emotional IQ of a turnip. The two things are not related.

Honestly, OP, just end it. You’re already making excuses for him. Imagine yourself married to someone this out of touch with you and making excuses why he’s distant with your children.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/01/2022 12:30

When you say he's very loving when you're together, what does that actually mean? Does it come down to 'we have sex'?

I don't think he values showing emotion, so he doesn't do it. It's important to you, so that means you're just not compatible. Make that fresh start for the new year.

TerraNovaTwo · 02/01/2022 12:46

What are the dynamics here? Do either of you have DC? How close do you live to one another? What's his overall outlook to life like? Was he dating at all prior to you getting together?

This guy sounds like a classic avoidant type. I wouldn't be surprised if digging deeper led to some seriously scary skeletons in his closet.

Original poster

Glowingsnow · 03/01/2022 19:40

Thank you for your replies. I have been reading up on avoidant types and he does seem to fit this so thank you to those who suggested this.

@Skiptheheartsandflowers
When you say he's very loving when you're together, what does that actually mean? Does it come down to 'we have sex

No, not just sex (although that has improved greatly and he is more compassionate) but the way he talks and expresses himself towards me etc.

@TerraNovaTwo
We both have one child each. We live in the same town and he has dated but again never seemed to lead to anything.

OP posts:

Original poster

Glowingsnow · 03/01/2022 19:42

@TerraNovaTwo
I wouldn't be surprised if digging deeper led to some seriously scary skeletons in his closet

This is interesting, can you expand more on this?

OP posts:

TheFoundation · 03/01/2022 19:47

You're in a relationship with someone who doesn't meet your needs. See this for what it is, rather than trying to delve into his damaged past and waiting for him to change.

Why waste your time when you could be with/looking for someone who'd have you smiling all the time?

Original poster

Glowingsnow · 03/01/2022 19:53

I'm attracted to him and admire many of his qualities. I thought maybe he needed to get to know me/trust me more before he invested emotionally, this could still be the case.

OP posts:

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