He can't/won't hold an emotional connection

[Glowingsnow]

We started dating in the summer and would see eachother once a week on average however he would make no communication with me in-between dates as in call or text which I felt would have helped us get to know each other better (I did reach out and call him at times). He is very loving when we are together and things have progressed slightly etc but he can happily (so it seems) go without seeing me or contacting me but if I contact him, he immediately makes himself available. I genuinely feel he is into me and he talks about the future with us etc.

AIBU to break it off as I find it very confusing as to why he is making it so hard to have a emotional connection as I feel this is needed to bring us closer and move forward.

I have spoken to him about it in the past but things have not improved. I don't know if he has any connection issues, protecting himself or what, I find it very confusing and frustrating and debating whether to start the new year fresh without him.

@Inth3know

Who do you think makes the rules for this sort of thing

What do you mean by this ?@TheFoundation are you insinuating women can't make this call?

I read it as - you make the rules of the arrangement between yourselves - there are no set rules.

I am in exactly the same situation as this. In fact I could have written this post myself. Thank you to all the replies who have validated that its ok for me to walk away. I've tried so hard to get the emotional connection between us. I've spelled out exactly what I need, which really isn't a lot, and that hasn't been acted on at all despite promises to change. So I'm walking away.

I’m not walking away yet, just doing other things to make him just a part of my life

For those of you who aren’t waking away and thinking it may help you deal with it better..I tried..it doesn’t and didn’t work. I just felt more annoyed like he was accepting that choice..which he was. It really shows their true colours

In theory this ‘let’s just be fwb’ seems like a sensible arrangement. But are you sure you are not going to get hurt? Are you able to withdraw the emotional connection that you have already established with this man?

In theory this ‘let’s just be fwb’ seems like a sensible arrangement. But are you sure you are not going to get hurt? Are you able to withdraw the emotional connection that you have already established with this man

I don't have an emotional connection with him at this moment in time as he has not given that a chance to develop, although I know one could develop if he gave/invested more. Therefore I don't think I could get hurt in a fwb arrangement as I will be accepting it for what it is and not making him my focus, if that makes sense?

It makes no sense really OP. It just sounds like you want to keep seeing him on any basis even if that’s not what you want.

Probably best to move on.

If you're thinking of splitting if it doesn't improve, why not have an open and honest conversation about it now and explain that if things don't get better you will have to call it a day. What have you got to lose?

tweatypie

I had the same issues
I think as my previous relationship was emotionally abusive I didn’t see it as an issue to start with
But I then realised I did want emotional connection
I wanted to share things and have him share with me
It took me far tooo long to realise this
And I still miss him

@Glowingsnow

I broke things off early on for this reason. I then noticed he put his barriers up higher. Something serious happened in his last relationship (along time ago) so it is possible he is protecting himself. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for him

Honestly stop it.

He doesn't contact you.

Bin. Next!

@Thisisworsethananticpated

tweatypie

I had the same issues
I think as my previous relationship was emotionally abusive I didn’t see it as an issue to start with
But I then realised I did want emotional connection
I wanted to share things and have him share with me
It took me far tooo long to realise this
And I still miss him

I was with someone who was VERY intense, clingy and gave me absolutely no space, then I met my ex who was the total opposite and I thought this is great! But it never really evolved on an emotional level and it was so confusing. We are also broken up and I miss him terribly too. It seems hard to find that happy medium but it was even harder trying to make it work with someone who can't/won't allow themselves to emotionally connect.

Aw this is shit.

I wouldn't be happy with this either. As it is an issue for you (that doesn't seem like it's going to change), I don't think I will

I don't think I would bother continuing the relationship.

It's not really a proper relationship if there is no contact in between.

Penguin
I got so confused I had to keep a diary
He could be lovely
Then he would disappear
And things like not admitting he was low , clamming up etc
And me feeling like I couldn’t tell him thin gas as he wouldn’t reply
It was always on his terms
I’m back in the apps now
But I totally adored him for some reason

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Penguin I got so confused I had to keep a diary He could be lovely Then he would disappear And things like not admitting he was low , clamming up etc And me feeling like I couldn’t tell him thin gas as he wouldn’t reply It was always on his terms I’m back in the apps now But I totally adored him for some reason

It sucks doesn't it. I actually lived with my ex and had a wedding date set, so I comforted myself with the fact that those things were there. But exactly the same - clamming up, not replying or saying "I don't know what to say" when I said things. In the end my needs weren't met and sat at the sidelines whilst I tried to figure him and his needs out.

I think we are smitten with these people, and want to try like the OP does, because we think we can see their potential. And if they only just "opened up", "gave more", "relaxed a bit" then everything would be really great. But they can't/don't/won't open up in this way, and often there are deep emotional reasons why and really they need to discuss these with a therapist. We can't hold on to potential, and we can't be the ones who will "fix" them and their potential intimacy issues.

OP - please do let us know how you get on and what you decide to do

If a man is interested and ready to form a worthy romantic relationship with a woman he’ll show it consistently through his actions. There’ll be no guessing or fixing needed. Anything less than that should disqualify a man as a candidate for a relationship. He may be nice, attractive etc. but it doesn’t make him a partner material.

Why are some people so keen for their boyfriend/ partner to "open up"? Maybe some of these blokes are quite happy and not given to pointless naval gazing. I have no desire to be my husband's therapist. If he wants to talk I'll listen but I'm not constantly badgering him to tell me his innermost feelings. That sounds odd.

Penguinwaddler
Totally agree
But maybe he’s just happy 😃
Maybe I imagine all these emotions , as posted above 😂

But as you said we do have this need
And if they can’t meet it we are destined to be unhappy and that’s madness

Lol it makes me laugh how they're all 'highly intelligent' and always have a past which has made them 'afraid to trust' 'barriers up' etc. etc....

HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.

Oh yes he'll make himself available. He'll gladly accept what you are offering on a plate. He can: he doesn't tend to have much on what with being selfish and all.

He won't: consider you as a person, think of you in advance, basically act like a normal human friend. Nope. You're an exciting appliance that can be put down and pcked up, like an ipad with tits.

Stop making excuses for yet another defective man. He's a highly intelligent surgeon who is also a thicktard and you can do better, have a nice, equal, fulfilling relationship with a simply much BETTER man.

@Glowingsnow

We started dating in the summer and would see each other once a week on average however he would make no communication with me in-between dates as in call or text which I felt would have helped us get to know each other better (I did reach out and call him at times). He is very loving when we are together and things have progressed slightly etc but he can happily (so it seems) go without seeing me or contacting me but if I contact him, he immediately makes himself available.

It sounds like you're already in a FWB relationship - you just don't know it yet.

He may well be giving you chat about "the future", but he can't text/call you regularly during the present - I'd take anything he says with a huge pinch of salt. He's not meeting your needs (which are not at all unreasonable). I really wouldn't suggest a FWB with this guy, you're more into him than he is into you. Find another one if that's what you want - as is oft said "cock is in abundance". I've ended relationships and worried I wouldn't get good sex again. Guess what? I always did.

@Thisisworsethananticpated exactly this!!!!

I stopped sharing anything with him because I wouldn't get a reply. I'd ask him a question about something which he wouldn't reply and 2/3 days later I might get a message from him saying "hey, how are you?". No answer to the question days before. This was after 8 months of dating. I kept thinking, just give him time. He'll learn to trust me etc. but in the end I was spending so much energy angsting over whether he even had any feelings for me that I've just had to walk away. But damn, it's hard. I liked this man and could see a future in that we enjoyed each others company, had great sex, were matched in intelligence.... just got on. But this permanent elusiveness just got me down so much in the end.

So I'm back on the dating apps too

tweatypie

Same !!!!! Every time I was like ‘it’s over, he ignored me , and then he’s pop up again
6 months of it I had
And when he did comment and share it was so lovely
Then he’d clam up again

It’s so hard as you adore them but in turn you don’t share in case they ignore

See you on the bloody apps

If a man is interested and ready to form a worthy romantic relationship with a woman he’ll show it consistently through his actions

I don’t know , mine was single for 8 years and divorced
I wonder if he will ever learn
Or find a really closed woman !!!

God that was hard to keep up with...what I will say as someone who played the field ended up a single mum when i was 28 ( professional with my own place I must add) i was used to shit relationships. When i met my now DH it was so eay, he was into me and me him, there was no games and he contacted me and me him and we progressed quickly. It should not be hard work.... game playing and trying to work out what he means etc is too much hard work and it shouldnt be

Have you read Adam Kaye's book? 'This is going to hurt'

It's about his life, climbing up the medical ladder from junior doctor to assistant consultant. He had a long-suffering wife, but had to miss so many family occasions. Work was always the top priority, being on call, having to drop everything for an emergency.

I think it becomes a habit to compartmentalise your life, so you don't miss your partner. They're never on your mind when you're working. And, to some extent, you have to damp down your emotional side to be able to do the job without getting too affected by your patient's condition.

He doesn't sound like the right man for you.