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Original poster

He can't/won't hold an emotional connection

76 replies

Glowingsnow · 01/01/2022 20:47

We started dating in the summer and would see eachother once a week on average however he would make no communication with me in-between dates as in call or text which I felt would have helped us get to know each other better (I did reach out and call him at times). He is very loving when we are together and things have progressed slightly etc but he can happily (so it seems) go without seeing me or contacting me but if I contact him, he immediately makes himself available. I genuinely feel he is into me and he talks about the future with us etc.

AIBU to break it off as I find it very confusing as to why he is making it so hard to have a emotional connection as I feel this is needed to bring us closer and move forward.

I have spoken to him about it in the past but things have not improved. I don't know if he has any connection issues, protecting himself or what, I find it very confusing and frustrating and debating whether to start the new year fresh without him.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 03/01/2022 20:02

If you need something in a relationship, look for someone who gives you that. There's nothing complicated here. When you meet the right person, you won't have to mess about trying to 'uncover' the things you need. You won't feel confused or like you can't decide whether to leave. You won't be posting about your relationship on a forum. You'll just be happy.

Penguinwaddler · 03/01/2022 20:08

@Glowingsnow

I'm attracted to him and admire many of his qualities. I thought maybe he needed to get to know me/trust me more before he invested emotionally, this could still be the case.
This is exactly how I felt, and I was very patient and accommodating, took it at his pace and (tried) to let myself enjoy the slow burn. Whilst my ex allowed some emotional connection to build, I still never got past arm's length.

I think it can absolutely work if the person with avoidant traits is aware of their difficulties with intimacy/connection/vulnerability. But if they aren't - or if they're happy staying as they are - then you really have to know if you're happy with the much lower level of connection they can offer.

Perhaps have a chat with him about it? Better to both be on the same page than like me who spent years hoping!

Nov910 · 03/01/2022 20:21

As @Penguinwaddler says ‘they will allow you SOME emotional connection’, however you’re left never feeling quite satisfied.
Mine was on and off, I made excuses..it just felt off, sadly I out up with it for too long and am now seeing who he really is if I don’t pull all the strings. Of someone doesn’t give you what you want you’re entitled to walk away.

Penguinwaddler · 03/01/2022 20:29

@Nov910 it's so tough isn't it. It's a complex dynamic and you are absolutely right that you're left never feeling quite satisfied. But I always hoped that they would just open up that little bit more - and they simply can't give more.

I held on for a very long time too.

Nov910 · 03/01/2022 20:31

@Penguinwaddler yes very hard. Mines currently ignored me for weeks. So called chats and positivity about our future until something didn’t go his way and he sulked. This time I haven’t sorted and he’s nowhere to be seen..these men have zero emotion deep down.

Original poster
Glowingsnow · 03/01/2022 21:43

@Nov910
Has he done this before? If you didn't reach out to him would he not reach out to you, would that be the end of it?

OP posts:
SquidGamer · 03/01/2022 22:02

Hmmm trying to work out what's going on here. You say when you contact him he's available for you. Can you talk about feelings with him, is he supportive? Affectionate? If I remember correctly, avoidant types avoid that kind of thing.

What is he doing during the week, working? Hobbies? He maybe just doesn't need a lot of contact whereas you do, so expectations are different?

PomegranateRose · 03/01/2022 22:07

In my experience of people like this, if you’ve told them what your needs are and they haven’t made a point of doing enough to meet them since, waiting around or trying to ‘be the one they let in’ or whatever doesn’t do any good. It’s almost a martyrdom.

Life is too short. It doesn’t matter how amazing everything else about him is, there is a pretty basic need of yours that is not being met. He is an adult who has had the prompt to do whatever he needs to do to try to be able to meet that for himself.

heisawanker · 03/01/2022 22:31

I needed to read this. Been in a relationship with someone for a year and a half who is totally emotionally unavailable.

He has ghosted me for over a week now. Ridiculous way to behave for a 50 year old.

We all deserve better.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/01/2022 22:41

You can't base a relationship on potential

I needed to read this !!
Op people……Don’t change
I understand why you are holding on
But this phrase is so true

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/01/2022 22:44

heisawanker

I’m sorry but your username made me laugh Grin
I hear ya x

RoseSays · 03/01/2022 23:40

I need to hear this too.
I've been in relationships with so many avoidants and I mirror them so we never get that depth.
The father of my Dd is like this, and I struggled for years to try and get him to let me in and suppressed my own feelings in the meantime. He never let me in, he had no depth, I was holding out for something that didn't and couldn't exist.
It's really soul destroying when you feel you have so much love to give.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/01/2022 23:46

@Glowingsnow

I broke things off early on for this reason. I then noticed he put his barriers up higher. Something serious happened in his last relationship (along time ago) so it is possible he is protecting himself. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for him Xmas Blush
You're just making excuses for him. Bin and move on.
2Rebecca · 04/01/2022 01:24

I'd probably rather have someone I see once a week and minimal texting to someone who expects me to spend half my life on the phone to them. He has a child and a demanding job. It sounds as though you want a different sort if relationship to him.

Original poster
Glowingsnow · 04/01/2022 02:07

@2Rebecca
I definitely don't want to spend half my life on the phone to him, just more emotional connection. I feel we are building one then there Is nothing from him which can be more than one week, by that point I feel the connection has gone.

OP posts:
Penguinwaddler · 04/01/2022 07:54

[quote Glowingsnow]@2Rebecca
I definitely don't want to spend half my life on the phone to him, just more emotional connection. I feel we are building one then there Is nothing from him which can be more than one week, by that point I feel the connection has gone.[/quote]
It's so frustrating when that happens - it's like you get so far .. and then they pull back. And then you think "well, he's clearly capable of this, so let's just wait around until he's fully comfortable". And then it happens again and again.

@PomegranateRose
"Be the one they let in" - absolutely! It's that whole "I can be the one who changes him" mentality which isn't healthy, and as you say - almost martyrdom. It's also similar to "white knight" theory where you want to "save" others - also linked to insecure/anxious attachment.

@RoseSays "depth" is a key word here isn't it - it's so sad because you feel like you are both missing out on a lot.

OP - I'd really recommend having a chat with him and you can see if you can both compromise to meet each others needs better. I know it's frustrating, but communication may go a long way here!

Sunnysideup999 · 04/01/2022 08:13

If he’s not all in - he’s not the one.
He’ll unlikely change by now.
Throw him back in the sea and find someone that is invested and not afraid to show it. Someone who calls you and texts you and makes you feel thought about and loved.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 04/01/2022 08:26

You don't need to make excuses for him or explain his behaviour any more than you need to excuse of justify your own preference for more regular contact. The fact is that in this particular way the two of you just aren't compatible. If this will make you unhappy in the long term then it's time to move on.

DH and I are a bit like him. We don't ring each other during the day. If one of us is away we might only contact each other once or twice a week. We are both fine with that. When we are apart we do our own thing and don't feel the need to check in with the other. However we are very happy and close emotionally and have been for over 40 years. I don't need to talk to him to be secure in his love for me and vice versa. It works well for us but that doesn't mean it would work well for you.

Colourmeclear · 04/01/2022 18:05

Even if he is protecting himself, some people protect themselves all their lives.

You've spoken to him, nothing has changed.

What else are you waiting for? How do you think it's going to happen if it hasn't already?

JangolinaPitt · 04/01/2022 18:38

I am involved with someone like this but he has opened up over the months and now he understands better how to have a relationship. He has a very full-on job and kids plus volunteering for a service that requires call-puts eg in the middle of the night. So I am also learning/adapting to the other demands on his head space. We are now in a place where I have a full life do not waiting on his messages snd if he wants to see me he had to plan ahead because I may not be available. And I will ask him to things and if he can’t make it I will go anyway. And do he has started re-arranging things to see me. Which is a change in the dynamic. I want it to work as he is amazing - but will keep options open.

Original poster
Glowingsnow · 04/01/2022 21:13

I think I will give it a bit longer and if things don't change I will call it a day.
But I like the sex with him Blush would it be wrong of me to just keep him for when I want sex with him "friends with benefits" so to speak. I would not want to see him as much then or want that connection as I would be looking at our situation differently.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 04/01/2022 21:16

would it be wrong of me to just keep him for when I want sex

Who do you think makes the rules for this sort of thing?

Original poster
Glowingsnow · 04/01/2022 21:25

@TheFoundation
Who do you think makes the rules for this sort of thing

It would be up to me to invite him over wouldn't it? Or do I have this "friend with benefits" all wrong Confused

OP posts:
Inth3know · 04/01/2022 22:35

Who do you think makes the rules for this sort of thing

What do you mean by this ?@TheFoundation are you insinuating women can't make this call?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/01/2022 00:21

If he knows it's going to be sex only (aka you literally tell him) and he's ok with it then that's fine I guess. If you don't tell him and he thinks it's more then that would be a dick move.