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Original poster

Husband had an affair. Does it matter that it was 5 years ago?

89 replies

Gloeveryday · 01/01/2022 18:28

Last night (ruining NYE) my husband of 23 years decided to tell me that 5 years ago he had a 1 year affair. He is truely sorry (he says) and regrets it fully but couldn't move on with a lie hanging over him. I am not utterly surprised, as I had suspected this at the time, but I feel angry and betrayed and unsure what to do. Part of me wants to chuck him out and move on, but we have been getting on well for the last couple of years - in fact our relationship is probably in a better place than ever. Or it was! I can't work out what difference it makes that this was 5 years ago. Does that make it better or worse that he has taken so long to tell me?? I need your thoughts!!

OP posts:
thetinsoldier · 01/01/2022 18:32

Oh blimey. I'm so sorry. Why on earth did he tell you now? What does he expect you to do with the information?

For him it was five years ago; you've only just found out about it so take your time coming to terms with it. What do you want to do? It's entirely up to you.

But an affair for a year?? Not just a drunken one-night stand? I'd find that impossible to forgive. Why did it end?

Have a hand-hold. 💐

happytoday73 · 01/01/2022 18:34

Oh my! I'm so sorry OP.
Well it was hardly a fling was it!

I would be extremely annoyed.. By the lies at the time, the unfaithfulness but also the fact he has told now.. Why? So he feels better and you feel worse.. Why should he have that relief and it now land in your lap....

Honestly.. I don't know what I would do, want or feel... So all I can offer is support.. I'm so sorry..

dopple · 01/01/2022 18:36

Time to face what he's truly like, why did you ignore your suspicions all those years ago? You have to decide if you can forgive him, although it will be hard to trust again.

Original poster
Gloeveryday · 01/01/2022 18:36

Thank you. Yes I'm shocked and don't know what to do with myself. Her husband got suspicious. Mine didn't end it. That's not great either I guess.

OP posts:
BurntO · 01/01/2022 18:38

He was selfish then and he is being selfish now. He told you only to appease his own guilt. He hasn’t changed

GnomeyGnome · 01/01/2022 18:40

How utterly selfish. To do it in the first place and then to tell you 5 years down the line to try to make himself feel better.
Only you can decide what to do OP. I would find this very difficult to get past.

Sundancerintherain · 01/01/2022 18:41

You need time to.process this information, he has had 5 years. Personally I'd ask him to leave for a while.

Onthemaintrunkline · 01/01/2022 18:42

Perhaps some time apart might be helpful? Time for you to process and work through your thoughts and feelings without your husbands presence. Freedom to decide how you want to go forward, without his possible subtle influence.

Alcemeg · 01/01/2022 18:45

So sorry to read this, OP, you must feel all over the place.

For me the crucial bits are that it didn't happen during an early stage of your relationship, when you were working out what you meant to each other.

And it wasn't a drunken one-night stand during a rough patch. It was a proper one-year ongoing relationship that you knew nothing about, and that he deliberately hid from you.

It's possible that because things have been better between you, he has come to appreciate you more, and so feels really bad about this, and sharing the information with you is a way of trying to unburden his guilt.

Has your relationship really changed up to a whole new level? One of trust and friendship and appreciation and happiness and openness in all aspects? Do you (a) enjoy each other's company like never before? or is it just (b) OK and better than it once was?

If (a), then possibly worth exploring in depth with him before making any decisions. If (b), not so much.

Alcemeg · 01/01/2022 18:47

Sorry, just to add... if (a), do you also feel he is uniquely special? what I mean is, if you found yourself on a desert island with him and 100 other men, all very different, who wanted to be with you, would you pick him?

Original poster
Gloeveryday · 01/01/2022 18:49

Thank you for your responses. I was even beginning to wonder if I was being unreasonable for being upset about it at all because it was years ago. I need to grow a spine.

OP posts:
elelel · 01/01/2022 18:50

couldn't move on with a lie hanging over him.

Urgh, how noble of him Hmm

It would matter to me OP. In fact it would matter more now than had I found out at the time.

Riverlee · 01/01/2022 18:51

I don’t think it makes it better or worse.

The emotions you are experiencing are the same whether the affair was recent or further back - you’re husband has lied and cheated on you.

Why has the husband mentioned it now? Is it guilt, as he says, or is the ow is back on the scene/threatening to say something?

A Years’s affair is hardly a one night, drunken mistake! He admitted that it ended because the ow’s husband got suspicious, not because he wanted it to end, or it came to a natural end. What was his long term’s intentions? Did he intend to leave you for her, or did he enjoy being married and having a mistress as well?

Is he likely to cheat again? To me, the trust has gone.

katkitty · 01/01/2022 18:52

Before distancing yourself with him. Remain welcoming, and especially nice. No subtle hints that you're cross, even act like you're enjoying the conversation. and then he'll feel more inclinded to tell you everything you ask.

CagneyNYPD1 · 01/01/2022 18:53

It does not matter if it was 5 years ago or 5 weeks ago. A lie is a lie. A cheat is a cheat.

I think it is v interesting that he has told you now. I have a horrible feeling that there is more news to come.

katkitty · 01/01/2022 18:54

Once you've got all the information, you can privately think about it and make an informed decision

Alcemeg · 01/01/2022 18:57

@Gloeveryday

Thank you for your responses. I was even beginning to wonder if I was being unreasonable for being upset about it at all because it was years ago. I need to grow a spine.
Don't be hard on yourself!!!!!!!!!

"Growing a spine" happens when you finally meet someone who truly values you above all others. Until that happens, you just think you should be grateful for what you can get. I speak from experience.

You are not weak for thinking this is OK. It's just the best you've known. Wishing you a brighter 2022 XXX

stevalnamechanger · 01/01/2022 19:00

I think you need to process emotionally before making any decisions .

Personally , I'd stay . The present is most important to me however I appreciate how unsettling this news will be .

Knittedfairies · 01/01/2022 19:07

He's had 5 years to process all of this; you're not likely to catch up for a while. Good luck OP

Jingers5 · 01/01/2022 19:10

Did he father her child? I'm curious why he decided to tell you now. Must be a big shock for you OP.

tabletipper · 01/01/2022 19:14

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It'd doesn't matter when it was it's a huge betrayal and your marriage if you stay together will never be the same. The trust is destroyed he not only put your sexual health at risk but has completely destroyed the life you had together do not rug sweep or feel you can't be angry as it was years ago. My husband had an affair and I found out 3 years later it was every bit as fresh for me as if it was yesterday

Ladybugzrock · 01/01/2022 19:17

What a horrible thing to find out.

Firstly, please be gentle on yourself, this is a huge thing to process. A year’s affair is a secret life, a relationship with another woman, .

The first thing to establish is why did he tell you? Why exactly now? You talk about him regretting it, regret is nothing, you need to see remorse. Alleviating his guilt is still all about selfishness and entitlement, exactly what got him into the affair in the same place, same cheater thinking. If it was to give you your personal agency back, a chance for you to live a life away from someone who did this to you, then you’ve got a remorseful spouse.

Staying is of course possible but you have so much to unpick before you can even think about that. The minutiae of the affair, a timeline, all these things will become important to you. You’ll need to know how much he has done to work on being a safer partner for you.

I’d read ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ essential reading whether you stay or go to get into cheater mindset. Then I’d take a look at ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and get him to read it, to understand what remorse looks like and how to rebuild trust and help you feel safe again if that is what you want!

I’m so sorry.

Malibuismysecrethome · 01/01/2022 19:19

Hi Op, do you really have no idea and has this come as a complete shock to you?
If you want to you can probably get past this but it is huge and there is no easy answer.

Itslit · 01/01/2022 19:20

He’s told you now to relieve his own guilt, not for your benefit. So for me, being told years later than being told straight away.
Sorry OP.

youkiddingme · 01/01/2022 19:20

First of all, I'm sorry you are going through this.
Secondly, he didn't tell you to make you feel better he told you to make him feel better. Perhaps the fact that you have been getting on better was a factor in the guilt growing. As thetinsoldier says, this is new to you, you need time to process. If he is truly sorry, and wants to make things right for you as well as assuage his own guilt, he will give you as long as you need to think, ask questions, get honest answers, process, and if need be get counselling for.

You don't have to rush into anything, whatever shape the process takes is valid. You may have some grieving to do, for when we find out an unknown truth about a loved one, we have to deal with the loss of the person we thought we knew. You might have a great deal of anger to deal with, especially if he in any way minimised your earlier suspicions.

The most honest thing you can probably say to him is that you need time and it might be a rough ride while you decide.

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