Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband had an affair. Does it matter that it was 5 years ago?

89 replies

Gloeveryday · 01/01/2022 18:28

Last night (ruining NYE) my husband of 23 years decided to tell me that 5 years ago he had a 1 year affair. He is truely sorry (he says) and regrets it fully but couldn't move on with a lie hanging over him. I am not utterly surprised, as I had suspected this at the time, but I feel angry and betrayed and unsure what to do. Part of me wants to chuck him out and move on, but we have been getting on well for the last couple of years - in fact our relationship is probably in a better place than ever. Or it was! I can't work out what difference it makes that this was 5 years ago. Does that make it better or worse that he has taken so long to tell me?? I need your thoughts!!

OP posts:
GreenGreenTreesOfHome · 01/01/2022 19:30

Sorry @Gloeveryday but that would be it for me. His reason for telling you was completely selfish, and in no way meant to help you.

He reminds me of my friend's husband who used to keep a pin on his phone, and a combination on his briefcase, and a password on his email that she didn't know. So she couldn't look at anything. (Not that she wanted to.)

He'd make a big issue of it all, and said 'don't get prying and spying...' He went on about how well he got on with a particular women at work too. He'd come home with 'gifts' she has bought him, and made a hoo-har about it, and said 'no need to be jealous.' Grin

Basically, he wanted her to THINK something was going on, to make her jealous, and keep her on her toes.

Your DH seems like this. He wants you to know, because he is pissed off that you didn't find out. He WANTS you to know he had an 'affair,'
so that he can feel important and special, because this woman wanted him.

Have you been friendly with another man recently? Or have any men being showing an interest in you? It's quite common for insecure and jealous men to create scenarios where other women want them, and are interested in them, and they suddenly become close with another woman (and exaggerate their friendship.)

It may not even be true. If it is, why tell you now? Telling you now is spiteful, and cruel, and nasty.

1forAll74 · 01/01/2022 19:34

You will probably need to talk it all through, as in get all the details about the long gone affair, and then make some decisions about this bomb shell announcement, and decide how you are going to deal with it. Only you,will know how you feel now, and know if you can carry on despite things. Personal opinions from others don't matter.

Cakecakecheese · 01/01/2022 19:35

The thing is that while it happened 5 years ago it may as well have happened just now because the betrayal is brand new to you. I would suggest you get councelling, by yourself so you can work through all these feelings but if you do want to try to see if the marriage can continue then do couples councelling but obviously don't feel you need to make any decisions just yet, you need to give yourself some time.

User2638483 · 01/01/2022 19:35

How horrible for you.
Does he want an out?
I’d find it hard to get past I think, and probably overwhelmingly be angry at him for not telling me at the time, and then for telling me now for what appear to be selfish reasons.

moostermum · 01/01/2022 19:38

Yes it matters. It's not raw because it was 5 years ago but he still did it. Please consider options and not forgive because of the time lapse

MaisieTheCat · 01/01/2022 19:40

A similar thing happened to me. I’m so sorry for you. It doesn’t matter if it was 5 years or 5 minutes ago, you have just found out and your reaction to it is the same either way.
Take some time alone, I really encourage you to get counselling, and from my personal experience, you need to consider if you can move forwards with being betrayed. Although trust CAN come back (it did for me, although my experience wasn’t of a year long affair), it will be different, and the betrayal will resurface at times - you need to be able to deal with this.
Also, I’m very suspicious he decided to tell you now with no other external reason. Perhaps someone else has found out and he wanted to tell you before they did?
Wishing you all the best.

Voice0fReason · 01/01/2022 19:43

So he was struggling with the guilt and his way of managing that was offloading it onto you.
What he should have done was live with it as penance for being such a bastard in the first place to have an affair.
I'm sorry OP. Give yourself time to decide what you want to do.

Mandy8888 · 01/01/2022 19:49

So sorry for you to find this out now, he would be out that door if it was me

JovialNickname · 01/01/2022 19:51

He is so selfish. Selfish and disgusting for the affair, and selfish for telling you now. He's only told you to clear his own conscience and make himself fell better. Selfish again. Having left it so long, he would have been better off dealing with his own guilt and shouldering the burden on his own, and taking it to the grave. But that would have been difficult for him; so to save himself that moral pain he decided to serve you up a shit sandwich of his own making with a side order of shit, instead.

Plus he would have calculated that he had left it just long enough that it would be categorised as "the past" therefore minimising your very real hurt and capitalising on your not really being able to do anything.

Don't know what to advise but he sounds like a calculating shitbag and if you want to leave him over this, you should. If you would leave when he had first done it, why would you not leave now when he has done exactly the same thing, but lied to save his own skin as well?

Thirtytimesround · 01/01/2022 19:52

I’m so sorry OP. 😥

You don’t have to decide anything right away. Take some time to process. Questions that may influence your decision include:

  • Knowing what you now know, do you still find him sexually attractive?
  • Do you trust him not to hurt you again?
  • Do you love him for who he is (not who you want him to be?)
  • What happens financially if you split up?
  • Is he trying to make you end the relationship because he’s too weak to do so / doesn’t want to be the bad guy anymore than he already is?
  • Can you forgive him for betraying you for a year?
  • Can you forgive him for telling you about the affair now, when all it does is hurt you?

And, get a STD test :(

Onthedunes · 01/01/2022 19:55

He's seeing someone else.

This admission is so that you boot him out, before finding out about the person he is seeing now.

Take a closer look.

Sorry but admissions of guilt are never that simple.
He's a liar.

pollygartertidywife · 01/01/2022 19:55

Meh... it's done.. it was five years ago. He made his decision.. as long as he is on with you having a dalliance go see if you are 'the real thing' ... then move on !

AltheaVesr1t · 01/01/2022 19:59

A one year affair is not a fling, it's a relationship. It's not a flippant mistake, it's a monumental betrayal. I'm not sure I could come back from this. For now, I would make him leave while you wrap your head around whether you can find any authenticity in your relationship going forward. That bit is up to you, but don't be hurried. You need time and space.

Pallisers · 01/01/2022 20:05

but couldn't move on with a lie hanging over him.

selfish bastard. and couldn't move on where? What was he looking for - drama to relieve his boredom? Forgiveness? He is an utter prick, OP - for having an affair, for not ending it (she did- right) for exposing you to potential STDs and now for not keeping his stupid mouth shut but happily thinking the statue of limitations has passed and he is safe to tell you. sorry but I couldn't look at him myself.

Staryflight445 · 01/01/2022 20:17

So not only has he done the most disrespectful thing to you 5 years ago, he’s carried on as normal and upset you now to relieve his own guilt.

Nah, not for me.

Gloriagayn · 01/01/2022 20:55

Five years ago is preferable to it still going on and finding out now with someone still on the scene. It’s still shit though.

Joelitta · 01/01/2022 21:01

How absolutely devastating. I could not forgive that - no way. A whole YEAR of subterfuge, lies, slithering off to see another women. Ugh it's just terrible. Perhaps he thinks that because he has confessed, he gets points for that? No. Maybe he had information that you might soon find out from someone else that it had happened?

I an so sorry. I could not forgive if my DH did that and he the best thing in the world to me. I would be out - no messing. If you forgive that, he has the green light in the future to do whatever the hell he wants. The precedent would have been set.

Buildingthefuture · 01/01/2022 22:59

Genuine question….what did he possibly think YOU had to gain from that knowledge, so many years down the line?? How would you or your relationship benefit? Or was him telling you all about him??

Onthedunes · 01/01/2022 23:05

@Gloriagayn

Five years ago is preferable to it still going on and finding out now with someone still on the scene. It’s still shit though.
Op, people who are capable of cheating and lying for over a year and keeping it to themselves are capable of even greater deception.

I would look at what he is doing in the here and now, I don't believe this has been blurted out for redemption, there may be other reasons.

Is he expecting you to throw him out?
There may be a reason he wishes to be thrown out now. if he admits to past misdameanors you will not look for present misdameanors.

There maybe a new woman arround.
Keep your eyes open.

Philly1234 · 01/01/2022 23:05

That’d be it for me. You guys getting along better than ever in recent years was based on untruths. Would you have gotten on so well if you’d know about the affair?

maybemu · 01/01/2022 23:10

@BurntO

He was selfish then and he is being selfish now. He told you only to appease his own guilt. He hasn’t changed
This! Not thinking about you... all about his own feelings.
irene9 · 01/01/2022 23:18

Have you got kids?

foreverandalways · 01/01/2022 23:21

Fuck that for a game of soldiers...it would be game set and match for me...trust has gone....

Longdistance · 02/01/2022 01:00

Yeah, that wasn’t a fling. A whole entire year of an affair. Maybe he’s being blackmailed? Maybe he’s having an affair now? There’s something else going on.
What a horrible start to the New Year.

SportsMother · 02/01/2022 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.