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Original poster

Husband had an affair. Does it matter that it was 5 years ago?

89 replies

Gloeveryday · 01/01/2022 18:28

Last night (ruining NYE) my husband of 23 years decided to tell me that 5 years ago he had a 1 year affair. He is truely sorry (he says) and regrets it fully but couldn't move on with a lie hanging over him. I am not utterly surprised, as I had suspected this at the time, but I feel angry and betrayed and unsure what to do. Part of me wants to chuck him out and move on, but we have been getting on well for the last couple of years - in fact our relationship is probably in a better place than ever. Or it was! I can't work out what difference it makes that this was 5 years ago. Does that make it better or worse that he has taken so long to tell me?? I need your thoughts!!

OP posts:
Geppili · 02/01/2022 03:00

He is still doing it, Op and wants you to chuck him out.

BoudecaBains · 02/01/2022 03:09

Why bring it up now ?. Bizarre !.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 02/01/2022 03:17

Of course it matters!

I'd be serving him divorce papers this month.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 02/01/2022 03:32

Well isn’t he a prince .
Ruining your NY, burdening you with his sordid little secret so he can move forward guilt free .
Yes it matters that this was 5 years ago. You’re eyes have been opened to what a sneaky little cheat you are married to.
Going forward I think you will find it extremely hard to trust him.
I think for me, the final nail in the coffin would be that it was the OW who ended it. If she hadn’t maybe he’d still be creeping around with her or even decided to leave you for her.
What a complete twat.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/01/2022 03:35

Why has he felt the need to tell you this now? Not last New Year, not the one before that...

I'd boot him out. But that's just my opinion.

Dita73 · 02/01/2022 04:12

Kick his arse out the door

gonnabeok · 02/01/2022 04:15

Sorry to hear this OP, but I doubt it was only a year long relationship. Something has cropped up recently to make him fear you would find out.My suspicion would be that it has gone on for years and perhaps something has happened recently where he risks you being told. He's told you he considered you were 2nd best, he says basically he would have carried on with it had it not been for the OW husband. Talk about kicking someone they're down. How could you ever trust him again???? He had you duped so easily!

Idkillforadoughnut · 02/01/2022 04:23

@Onthedunes

He's seeing someone else.

This admission is so that you boot him out, before finding out about the person he is seeing now.

Take a closer look.

Sorry but admissions of guilt are never that simple.
He's a liar.

I'm sorry OP, how awful. I'm afraid I agree with this. The question I also always ask in these situations is - would it matter if he started a one year affair today but you didn't find out for 5 years? Of course it would.
Seemssounfair · 02/01/2022 04:45

I'm another that questions his motive. Something else has triggered the confession and he owes you the truth.

Either someone else is about to tell you and gave him a deadline, he wants you to end the marriage or something else has happened and means you need to know.

daisychain01 · 02/01/2022 04:52

@Gloeveryday

Last night (ruining NYE) my husband of 23 years decided to tell me that 5 years ago he had a 1 year affair. He is truely sorry (he says) and regrets it fully but couldn't move on with a lie hanging over him. I am not utterly surprised, as I had suspected this at the time, but I feel angry and betrayed and unsure what to do. Part of me wants to chuck him out and move on, but we have been getting on well for the last couple of years - in fact our relationship is probably in a better place than ever. Or it was! I can't work out what difference it makes that this was 5 years ago. Does that make it better or worse that he has taken so long to tell me?? I need your thoughts!!
How utterly selfish of him to "offload" just to assuage his guilty conscience.
daisychain01 · 02/01/2022 04:54

As he's shown you who he is, a selfish cheat, you're better off without him, the trust is gone.

RantyAunty · 02/01/2022 05:26

Everything about it then and now is selfish.

a year long affair is significant. Knowing that someone can lie to your face like that is disturbing.

His shite timing to tell you on NYE. If it was truly over, he should have shut kept his trap shut. He could have picked some ordinary day to tell you, not a holiday.

Nobody can tell you what to do. Be sure to take as much time as you need to think about it.

bcc89 · 02/01/2022 06:04

There's more to come :(

Feelsunfair · 02/01/2022 06:16

Telling you was all for his benefit. He felt too guilty to carry it himself. There's also the very big possibility that your relationship has only been better because of the guilt. Him doing more to make you happy because of what he did.

It also makes it far worse he didn't end it and that he didn't tell you at the time. I'm really sorry, OP. I know what I would do.

Bananarama21 · 02/01/2022 09:22

Flowers is there someone to support you in real life ?

Original poster
Gloeveryday · 02/01/2022 09:28

Thank you for all your comments. A clear headed, uninvolved view is def needed for me! Yes I have support IRL and kids.

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 02/01/2022 09:32

So he tells you now to make him feel better. What an arse.

Five years of extra deceit would kill all my love.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 02/01/2022 09:45

It's all about him, his wants and needs. He wanted to shag this ow and did so, for a year, with no thought to how this would affect you. He wanted to tell you about it, so he did with no thought to how you'd feel. He sounds like a very selfish man. To'e, it wouldn't make any difference if it was last week or last century.

LadyEloise1 · 02/01/2022 10:00

If my dh told me he had an affair with a woman for a year five years ago I would be reeling.
Then we'd split.

Flowersandthorns · 02/01/2022 10:12

@Gloeveryday I have PMed you.

scaredsadandstuck · 02/01/2022 10:21

I 'forgave' my husband something 10 years ago. It hasn't worked. I can't get over it. Unless you really think you can completely forgive and forget I suggest getting out ASAP - strike while the iron is hot as they say. I didn't and I hugely regret it.

Staryflight445 · 02/01/2022 10:33

It does feel a bit like the small blow before the biggy.
I really hope he hasn’t fathered a child with her op.

IamGusFring · 02/01/2022 10:53

couldn't move on with a lie hanging over him. I am not utterly surprised, as I had suspected this at the time

@Gloeveryday I was in your position and I also found out after the event myself . I had suspected , asked him and he denied . Seemingly I was right .

The problem with things like this is that you start to question EVERYTHING - I remember writing down a calendar type thing , where we were etc at the time and things coming back to me " I want to buy my secretary something for Christmas " when we were on a Christmas break away . For her ? Maybe - who knows but the big problem is you never will know for sure . Trips he made , places he went - were they work connected or what ? All of this is very hard to deal with and it wouldn't leave my head . I would have done anything for it to stop . THIS is the difficult bit - it's the planning , the lying , the talking behind your back because that will have happened , the absence from family life , the trading you like you are an idiot ,the addiction that is developed and it moves with you forward . You will always now question his actions and motives . You need time to process all of this - you are in catch up mode . I don't know why he has told you now though - possibly for his own selfish reasons but then would you rather not know ? I know a woman whose H cheats on her - maybe she does know and doesn't care . Some people will do anything to hang onto their partner . Good luck - take your time and remember nothing is forever . You can change your mind at any time .

TimBoothseyes · 02/01/2022 11:01

This smacks of the marital version of "suicide by cop". He wants out of the marriage but is too much of a coward to say so. What he has presented you with is a reason to end it for him. I bet if you tell him to leave he will not put up much of a fight.

Derelicthome · 02/01/2022 11:08

I’m so sorry. What a vile DH you have. I don’t think I could get past it. Perhaps I would stay long enough to put myself in the best position financially but he would have no ongoing loyalty from me.

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