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Original poster

Husband had an affair. Does it matter that it was 5 years ago?

89 replies

Gloeveryday · 01/01/2022 18:28

Last night (ruining NYE) my husband of 23 years decided to tell me that 5 years ago he had a 1 year affair. He is truely sorry (he says) and regrets it fully but couldn't move on with a lie hanging over him. I am not utterly surprised, as I had suspected this at the time, but I feel angry and betrayed and unsure what to do. Part of me wants to chuck him out and move on, but we have been getting on well for the last couple of years - in fact our relationship is probably in a better place than ever. Or it was! I can't work out what difference it makes that this was 5 years ago. Does that make it better or worse that he has taken so long to tell me?? I need your thoughts!!

OP posts:

Squeezyhug · 02/01/2022 11:09

I’d suspect there is more to this.
He has a secret NY resolution perhaps. Maybe he wants you to kick him out so he can run to her ?
Or someone else ?

Is this woman back on the scene showing interest in him?
How have things been between you recently?

Don’t let on you’re annoyed for now.
Act friendly and encourage him to spill the beans.

It could be he wants you to feel jealous. If you think it’s this, don’t be jealous, just lose interest in him.

Loveisthere · 02/01/2022 11:24

Op I completely agree with RIVERLEE that ow has come back on the scene with threats to tell you all. Those were my first thoughts however whatever his reasons for telling you he has offloaded his guilt and you are now in bits. Did he have to tell you that ow finished it no he did not but he sees it as being honest I see it as down right cruel. Does he expect you to just carry on, what is his behaviour like today is he upset begging for forgiveness or what. I wish I could offer some good advice but all I can say is take some time to process this. Sending you a hand hold op x

moremoony · 02/01/2022 11:36

The fact that he didn’t end it would be it for me

TonkinLenkicks · 02/01/2022 12:02

He’s telling you because it’s about to come out. He’s got there first so it appears he feel so guilty about it that he just has to tell you. Few things:

he told you on NYE. How theatrical of him
he told you 5 years later, how kind of him to offload something that’s obviously in the past for him
a YEAR affair which he didn’t end. That’s a long time to be deceitful and it would have continued

There’s something fishy here. There’s no way that the guilt got so much that he had to tell you after 5 years. You were about to find out from someone else. Honestly? Leave.

CornishGem1975 · 02/01/2022 12:14

I agree that it's fishy he has told you now, but regardless of the time involved I'd be livid and my relationship would be over.

Rangoon · 02/01/2022 12:33

If he felt that guilty, he should have resolved to behave better in future and kept his mouth firmly shut. Why is he feeling guilty now when he was having an affair for a year which the OW ended? Why did he not feel guilty somewhere in the course of the year long affair?

Thewookiemustgo · 02/01/2022 12:37

So sorry OP, it’s devastating. I agree with other posters. I have to say I’m pretty sure that a cheat who’s successfully kept secret his 1 year relationship with another woman for five years, would keep it that way. A secret. If he’s happy with everything, learned his lesson and just grateful that his awful past has never bit him on the ass, he’d take the pangs of conscience and tell himself he deserved them for being a shit and take his medicine. Why potentially blow your life up to ‘ease your conscience? Men just don’t do this. Unless they have plan B in place. Why didn’t his conscience bother him at the time or over the past few years? Why now? New Year’s Eve? Isn’t that a time when people take stock of their lives? Look what happened when he did! Nobody is so thick that they can’t see that unburdening their conscience will cause far more pain to those who love them and also themselves. As if he can turn over snd sleep like a baby with his newly ‘clear’ conscience to the tune of you sobbing since he blew your life up. I can’t see any man thinking this is a good idea.
He’s getting this confession in early, OP. Before something or somebody else does.
Think hard about his behaviour recently. Very hard indeed. And prepare yourself for more. I’m so, so sorry. X

RockinHorseShit · 02/01/2022 12:39

He cheated for a year & then lived a lie with you for 5 years to cover his arse, he never gave you the chance to act with full facts in hand

Mine would be out on his ear as I'd never trust him again after that. He has ruined what yiu thought was the last 5 years of your marriage by living a friggin lie. How dare he expect anything from you but showing the door

Sandy8765 · 02/01/2022 12:52

I have an issue with a friend ive known a year and a half
On lots of levels shes a good friend we message all the time, she has given me a lot of stuff for my cat, but its always me who organises everything and she always says yes and we have a great time but ive been to her house twice last year and shes organised 2 things

She never says when are you free or are you free this weekend, she always has her diary full up so if i say are you free this weekend she says no..

We fell out recently as she said we would go away for a week but she went with her other friend...

I feel she has her life and her friends who she sees and im just a bonus as i make all the plans and she doesnt have to make an effort

I dont want another row but its got beyond a joke..i also dont want to lose the friendship

bcc89 · 02/01/2022 12:54

@Sandy8765

I have an issue with a friend ive known a year and a half On lots of levels shes a good friend we message all the time, she has given me a lot of stuff for my cat, but its always me who organises everything and she always says yes and we have a great time but ive been to her house twice last year and shes organised 2 things

She never says when are you free or are you free this weekend, she always has her diary full up so if i say are you free this weekend she says no..

We fell out recently as she said we would go away for a week but she went with her other friend...

I feel she has her life and her friends who she sees and im just a bonus as i make all the plans and she doesnt have to make an effort

I dont want another row but its got beyond a joke..i also dont want to lose the friendship

I think doing your own thread might be best

LizzieSiddal · 02/01/2022 13:02

the fact he chose to tell you on New Year’s Eve would be the final nail in the coffin for me.
It shows he hasn’t changed from that selfish, lying coward he was 5 years a go when he was having the affair. He had no thought for you what’s so ever!

Sorry OP but it would be the end for me.

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 02/01/2022 13:05

I couldn’t live with that @Gloeveryday whether it happened five years or five months ago. I really don’t think I could forgive an affair, it’s different to a one off, made (maybe) in a moment of madness (although not sure if I could forgive that either), this was premeditated and planned.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

jimmyjammy001 · 02/01/2022 13:10

Why should he get away with it now, he's kept a lie for 5 years which makes it even worse, whether it was for 5 days or 5 years he still cheated and didn't tell you about it

wakeuphw · 02/01/2022 13:17

This happened to a friend of mine. He cheated on her for 18 months and then told her to relieve his own guilt. He then continued to be in contact with the other woman for a month after he said it was over.
I don't think I could forgive that, but then I've not been in that situation.
The mistress got the blame and my friend and her husband played out happy families to everyone. It was all swept under the carpet.
Whatever you do, please know your worth more than that.

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