Need advice re concerns for children

[Sweetie1980]

Hoping someone can advise. I am currently going through a divorce but we are still living together. Ex has an anger problem and is verbally abusive and intimidating at times. I have just got back from shopping ,leaving kids with him, when I got back both kids were very quiet and my ds (11) looked like he had been crying. My 6 yo said that Daddy had really hurt him by holding him down on the bed, I immediately asked ex about this and he got angry and said he had only done it to control him, my son said it didn't hurt but I think he is scared to tell the truth..ex then said he was sick of us all and started to throw the football at the wall in an aggressive way , whilst looking at me in an angry intimidating way, he was angry at my daughter for what he said was telling tales. What can I do ? This man is pushing for 50/50 child contact which I will not agree to ? I am so alarmed by this and now will be extremely worried for them .

I was thinking of letting my solicitor know what happened and stopping the mediation, schools are not open now. He is being extra nice to the kids now but I have been taking them out most of the day so he hasn't had to deal with any noise

You need to find a psychologist for your kids. They can write a report for the court. Be careful not to coach your kids or it all be thrown out.

You can explain to your son that if he wants to he can have his own lawyer to talk for him in court and that it won't be in front of you or daddy. Only the judge. The judge can only make decisions on information she/he has so it's important to tell the truth.

It's very hard for kids. They feel very torn. You should really praise your DD for being so brave to tell you the truth. Say you know how hard it is to do the right thing (tell the truth) when we are scared. I'd try and do it within ear shot of your son.

Getting SS involved is a good call but probably unlikely to go far at the moment.

My DD1 felt v sorry for her dad. But she decided to speak up to protect DD2. Once she'd had a break from seeing him she could see that life was better without him.

Thank you, she demonstrated what happened with her cuddly toy last night and told me she wanted ex to let go of him, so heartbreaking. I had not mentioned it again to both of them. Ex has squeezed and held by shoulders before so I know its something he would do

This is so horrible to read. You sound like you have good advice already. Honestly just keep telling your solicitor everything, and definitely a chat with GP is a very good move as well as speaking to the school. All of these people with fit together like a jigsaw in court and show the pattern of abuse.

My friend is in a very similar situation to you and is going down the family therapy route. It has been incredibly beneficial for her and even more so for the children. And of course is all documented. Her therapist was able to write a report which was used in court.

Thank you, did your friends child open up? My ds will say that it didn't happen the way my daughter describes, almost protecting his father. But I know what my ex’s temper is like. Ex is also good at talking and convincing people.

Yes they did open up in therapy. They do lots of games and drawings and I know she has worked with them to imagine things (and I'm guessing now as I can't quite remember) but it was something about their relationship with their Dad with like a rope and they could use words to describe it... like strong, weak, etc etc

She has to pay for it but it's definitely a good idea in her situation.

Thank you, it sounds like a good idea. The problem is ex cent cope with kids being kids, he is fine when the kids are quiet and occupied, he is not use to being with them more than 3/4 hours at a time, he use to be me for them misbehaving saying they are like that with me around but the incident proves this is not the case

Sounds so similar. My friend's ex would do the same... just constantly playing the blame game.

I hope all this helps. I think MN is such a supportive site in these situations.

So I decided to go to the mediation session as I want to live apart from him ASAP , he is now pushing for 6 days per fortnight with kids and I felt pressured to agree but I won’t be agreeing . I blurted out all the concerns re children and the incident and he managed to talk his way out of it by saying it didn’t happen like that . The mediator didn’t seem that concerned . I will be informing my solicitor and school etc but what do I do re child arrangements? He manages to fool everywhere telling them how amazing father he is

Could you lay it out as say Fri and Sat overnights and a visit for tea on Wednesdays. That's the 6 days and it's something that wouldn't affect school.

Or you could say that you've thought about it and realised that you would not get any fun time with the kids by doing 6 days a fortnight. So you propose every alternate fri-sat overnight and every Wednesday for tea. Or something similar.

Do you have an idea of what you would want to ideally happen?

I don’t really like the idea of not getting any weekend time and want to avoid long periods due to lots of reasons, he was making out he said would help financially if I agree but I won't be agreeing. Do mediators in general help fair financial settlements? I feel like what she suggested is unfair, a house split in my favour but I would have been to pay cashback when youngest is 18 so would need to sell.. This is because I can't get a top up mortgage and he can

He says he's pushing for 50/50 to keep you quiet and get you stay. It doesn't mean he will axtually want that with the responsibility it entails.

Sounds like their father is an intimidating, angry, bullying figure and your kids will be looking to you for a robust response and to protect them.

Yes this is what keeps me awake at night 😥

He acted quite strange at times during mediation , he was talking about how loyal and loving he is ..,