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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice re concerns for children

115 replies

Sweetie1980 · 31/12/2021 14:58

Hoping someone can advise. I am currently going through a divorce but we are still living together. Ex has an anger problem and is verbally abusive and intimidating at times. I have just got back from shopping ,leaving kids with him, when I got back both kids were very quiet and my ds (11) looked like he had been crying. My 6 yo said that Daddy had really hurt him by holding him down on the bed, I immediately asked ex about this and he got angry and said he had only done it to control him, my son said it didn't hurt but I think he is scared to tell the truth..ex then said he was sick of us all and started to throw the football at the wall in an aggressive way , whilst looking at me in an angry intimidating way, he was angry at my daughter for what he said was telling tales. What can I do ? This man is pushing for 50/50 child contact which I will not agree to ? I am so alarmed by this and now will be extremely worried for them .

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Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 18:16

This is exactly it, he will say I am unstable and angry when in reality this is exactly him.he told me I needed sectioning once but was quite happy for me to get up and look after the children

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Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 18:17

Did your ex push for 50/50?

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Potatodrivers · 02/01/2022 18:46

My ex didn't even try for it thankfully. He wouldn't have stood a chance. Especially since I was not denying any contact and offered reasonable weekend contact.

If it wasn't for social services and the police report that allowed me to open up about all previous abuse, then he might have tried. But he knew that his cover of his nicey nice behaviour was blown.

I had explained to social services that I did have concerns with his parenting, mostly around his sudden rages and what they thought I should do in regards to contact. After their assessment, they came to the conclusion that he was not a threat to ds. Although ds now has cut contact himself at age 12.

They really can be helpful so don't be scared to seek their help. You could also speak to women's aid who can point you in the direction of many places than can offer help in many different ways, and they are massively helpful themselves!

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 18:51

Thank you , this is really helpful . Did you open up about the abuse to you ?Although it’s on the divorce petition I haven’t got anything recorded apart from speaking to the doctor as I was extremely anxious during lock down

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Potatodrivers · 02/01/2022 19:00

I opened up about it all after realising the police were very supportive. There were things I didn't even realise were abusive at the time.

My doctor had also noticed he was abusive and marked it on the system, since he wouldn't let me speak at my own appointments.

Having it logged and recorded with different bodies is really helpful in court. Especially the police just for the amount of support they can offer.
They have a special domestic violent section now and they really are clued up with how abusers are.

Keep a log yourself if you can, even if it's on here.

Some team, I cant remember which, advised me to email myself either using my email or a secret one. It keeps a log that is less likely to be found and its dated automatically. I thought that was a great idea.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 19:18

Thank you , your posts have been very helpful . I have been making notes on my phone but only things he has said/done towards kids. I hope you are much happier now as it sounds like you have been through a lot

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Loggingbackinonceagain · 02/01/2022 19:19

As the user name says - logging back in again just to post this! Pls do as pp say and try to build as much evidence as you can so that your soon to be ex h cannot continue abusing your children.

My sister has just come out of the family court process and I have to say, it was honestly a farcical nightmare. Her ex h sexually and emotionally abused her but couldn't be proved in court so nothing stood against him. He went for 50/50 despite being away for work months at a time throughout the year. He didn't quite get 50/50 but nearly as good as - even though he almost never kept to to the contact agreement while they were going through the court process. He's not abusive to his girls but he is a shit father, forgets their birthdays, doesn't do Santa or tooth fairy with them, no routine when they are with him so they often come back not having bathed or brush their teeth, often doesn't bring them to school on the days he has them. I could go on.

That said my sister is still very, very happy she left him. I'm not trying to scare you. All I am saying is be prepared, get the best legal support you can afford and don't assume anyone will be on your side without evidence.

You can do this! You and your children will be much better away from this man.

Potatodrivers · 02/01/2022 19:28

Youre very welcome. Notes on your phone is good. You've got a few things documenting the evidence already. Next time, police like you plan to do.

Life is so much happier without him. I felt the energy shift in my home instantly once I knew that was the end. There really was a massive weight lifted off my shoulders.

Don't get me wrong, it was still a difficult road ahead, but it was like a walk in the park compared to life with him.

Ds has changed into a more confident and happier little boy since he decided to cut contact with his dad too. So he must have started his crap with him.

ACCx · 02/01/2022 19:41

You need to contact SS and they will most likely want you to remove the children from his care if you suspect abuse. If you don't, they may think you're putting them at risk. They could potentially file a police report and you could maybe get him removed from the house that way, especially if he's been physical with DC. Could you possibly record him next time he's speaking to the children in a nasty way, to use as proof? He seems awful and manipulative.

Fishlipandtoeface · 02/01/2022 21:04

Please protect them. I grew up with this and at 40 it’s never left me. I also don’t talk to my mum as she didn’t protect us. Or her family or my dads as they all left us to it.

WiserMe · 02/01/2022 21:24

He's sounds a charmer
It's a shame you can't live somewhere else for now.
Mediation is not suitable when you are dealing with Narcissism. You don't need to be subjected to that..try not to let him push your buttons,take each hour at a time, don't let your head race ahead because lots can
change between now & then and you need to preserve your energy for your children.
Train yourself to let his nasty drivel go over your head,deep breathing and just walk away.
You are going to be free soon.

P.s schools usually have counsellor access, and you could speak to someone in the school leadership team about your situation.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/01/2022 21:37

@Sweetie1980

Thank you for your replies. The problem is my son will say it didn't hurt him but my daughter said he was constantly saying it hurt him at the time. I am scared if I call police my son will say nothing happened, even if he doesn't get 50:50 he will be on his own with kids, he is fine with them if they are not being silly or playing up, my son is not naughty but will get in a silly mood sometimes.

he is fine with them if they are not being silly or playing up Sounds familiar, though Stbxh often works them up into the silly mood, then gets cross when they can't stop straight away when he's done playing.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 21:48

Thank you so much for all of the replies , thank you for logging in just to post! I think I will call ss and explain what happened and look for a school support . @Potatodrivers I am so glad you snd your son are happier @and thanks for letting me know about your situation . @Fishlipandtoeface sorry you had such a hard time, I am definitely trying to protect them, I knew I had to divorce him even with the fear of losing them half of the time.

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LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/01/2022 21:57

@Sweetie1980

Thank you for replies , they are a huge help . Tonight ex accused him of shouting at him when he wasn’t , this is what he frequently says to me, he also said he can't wait for this family to be over, all in front of the kids . It’s so hard and damaging

H does that, tells DC to stop yelling, when they're not yelling and gets very angry about small things too. He'll accuse me of yelling in front of the DC to get them onside. It's so insidious. They sound like they came out of the same mould. I'm so worried he will get 50/50 as everything's emotionally abusive, gaslighting and aggression that's hard to even quantify to myself let alone a third party.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 22:09

They sound very similar.. I don't understand why men like this always push for 50/50 when they can't cope with parenting for long periods

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rubbleonthedoub · 03/01/2022 02:26

Done meditate with an abuser it's a costly ineffective way to resolve matters that won't work.

Use lawyers

Consider reporting this to the police regardless of your son not saying it happened the fact that your younger child will is enough

rubbleonthedoub · 03/01/2022 02:29

*Stop

rubbleonthedoub · 03/01/2022 02:30

Oh and they push for 50 /50 as a way to control and threaten the mother to stay, toe the line etc

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 03/01/2022 07:23

Thank you, yes I am thinking mediation won't work. Will it look bad on me to court if I pull out ?

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LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 03/01/2022 10:37

@Sweetie1980

They sound very similar.. I don't understand why men like this always push for 50/50 when they can't cope with parenting for long periods

In my case H thinks he's a much better Dad then he is and thinks any issues with the DC would be solved if I'd let him discipline them the way he wants. He's very blind about all the other work that goes into parenting. He has completely unrealistic views of how the children should be, how parenting should be. He would miss them too, there is that.

Here you need an exemption certificate from mediation service before you can apply to court. I don't know if the UK is the same.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 03/01/2022 11:11

I think you need to think of yourself as a directive! Sounds strange I know. I had massive conserns regarding my ex, I collected so much evidence of his abuse towards me and the children. This resulted in the courts granting no contact, direct contact .
He said I had mental health issues etc etc etc. I admitted I had some struggles during the years but they I had always put the children first and always looked for help when I needed it.
My advise would be to think of how these things can be evidenced in court.
3rd party evidence is very damning for the perpetrator. Eg someone else witnessing it!
Keep a diary of all events even if it appears small . Get a dictaphone and discreetly record things that may be used as evidence.
Honestly there is so much you can do to help your case. Inform the police, school etc etc.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 03/01/2022 11:13

Mediation is not recommended when one person is abusive but shuttle mediation may be recommended instead. You need this or an exception from it b we fire you can proceed to court .

Colourmeclear · 03/01/2022 18:10

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. I do think contacting the school is a really good idea.

I just wanted to add that if your son doesn't want to talk about it, it could be helpful for him to draw what he feels (and keep it private if he wishes). It's something that I understand is used a lot in trauma therapy with children. Hopefully the school will be able to arrange more formal counseling as well.

RoyKentsChestHair · 03/01/2022 18:28

@Sweetie1980

I am so anxious , I will be devastated if he gets 50:50 and the kids have to live with them half the time

That’s precisely why he’s doing it. The best thing you can do here is to thank him for allowing you 50% of your week to yourself so that you can go out socialising, maybe work some more and who knows… potentially start dating again. What a great opportunity for you to still spend half your time with your DCs and have a great life as an independent woman too.

I can guarantee you he’ll drop any notion of 50/50 quicker than you can say “manipulative arsehole”

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 03/01/2022 21:35

Thank you for the replies, @RoyKentsChestHair ha , this is what he does everyday at the moment , gets up late and does what he wants..,

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