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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need advice re concerns for children

115 replies

Sweetie1980 · 31/12/2021 14:58

Hoping someone can advise. I am currently going through a divorce but we are still living together. Ex has an anger problem and is verbally abusive and intimidating at times. I have just got back from shopping ,leaving kids with him, when I got back both kids were very quiet and my ds (11) looked like he had been crying. My 6 yo said that Daddy had really hurt him by holding him down on the bed, I immediately asked ex about this and he got angry and said he had only done it to control him, my son said it didn't hurt but I think he is scared to tell the truth..ex then said he was sick of us all and started to throw the football at the wall in an aggressive way , whilst looking at me in an angry intimidating way, he was angry at my daughter for what he said was telling tales. What can I do ? This man is pushing for 50/50 child contact which I will not agree to ? I am so alarmed by this and now will be extremely worried for them .

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 18:23

I can't see any. Feel so sad for both of them

OP posts:

MrsBaublesDylan · 01/01/2022 18:34

Glad you are dealing with him op, just wanted to say that it doesn't matter if it hurt when your ex pinned ds to the bed.

He was physically assaulted. I would call the police, tell them your ds has been assaulted and take it from there.

They can physically remove your ex and will do to protect your child.

flashy44 · 01/01/2022 18:34

@Excitedforthefuture

Start writing a diary of absolutely everything Include date. Times. Any quotes from your children.

You have to push through this divorce as quickly as possivle

Do this asap

MrsBaublesDylan · 01/01/2022 18:36

It doesn't matter if there aren't any marks.

You know he was pinned to the bed by an adult male.

I had to report an assault on my dc and there were no marks, no witnesses, just my son's word and he is 11 with ASD and LD.

The Police office did a full investigation and the guy received a warning.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 19:04

Thanks all . The problem is I don’t think my son will speak up , he gets upset and will say nothing happened but it’s clear from my daughter it did . As people have said I can’t ask the kids about it again

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Anotherboy · 01/01/2022 19:08

💯 contact SS. I did for less and they took it extremely seriously and were very helpful.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 19:10

Thanks another boy . What did they do ? Did they investigate it ?

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RedWingBoots · 01/01/2022 19:24

@Sweetie1980

To agree finances and children arrangements

You can change to shuttle mediation so you are in different rooms and the mediator goes between you.

Takes some of the conflict out of mediation but costs more and you probably will need a new mediator.

Does your son have a teacher or TA at school he likes? As encourage him to speak to that person about how home life is difficult for him now his parents are getting a divorce. You need to be careful with your phraseology so you don't get accused of anything, but if your son can start talking to someone outside the household it will help him.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 21:53

Thank you for replies , they are a huge help . Tonight ex accused him of shouting at him when he wasn’t , this is what he frequently says to me, he also said he can't wait for this family to be over, all in front of the kids . It’s so hard and damaging

OP posts:

Bunce1 · 01/01/2022 22:04

God that’s bad- but you really sound amazing and you have it in hand it. Take comfort in your strength.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 22:15

He doesn’t care about the kids feelings at all . If he gets 50/50 I have made things worse by divorcing him

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 10:21

OP posts:

Excitedforthefuture · 02/01/2022 11:22

Are you the primary carer for the children? Or him? Or both full time working?

Excitedforthefuture · 02/01/2022 11:24

What type of parent was he pre divorce?

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 13:07

I am the primary carer working part time. Pre divorce I did almost all childcare even weekends and lockdown. He can be good with kids but gets very angry about small things, has always had an anger problem

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 16:48

Who would be the best person to speak to at school? I think I need to talk to someone about what is going on at home, he has said he would lie about me to get 50/50

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Potatodrivers · 02/01/2022 16:57

Just explain to the school what is going on and how you think he could do with talking to someone to offload. They usually know which is the best person for this.

The school were amazing in helping support my kids.

As for mediation, am I wrong in thinking that this should be avoided with an abusive person?

Any tiny little thing he next does that is abusive and causes fear, call the police.
Not only will it get it on record properly, it might help get him out of the house, help the kids realise how serious this is and how seriously you are taking this, and it will help with legal aid if he does push down the court route.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 17:03

Ok thank you. If I contact ss will they remove the children? This is what scares me . Will he have to pay court fees if he takes me to court ?I am also concerned for my daughter re emotional stuff he says to her

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Potatodrivers · 02/01/2022 17:12

SS were a great help for me, and as long as you are doing everything you can to keep your children safe then they won't take your children.

I know when my ex took my son, I was looking at £500 for one appointment with my solicitor. A few days later he came braying on my parents doors and windows shouting abuse at me when I was visiting them. I called the police and ended up with legal aid so didn't need to pay anything. He shot himself in the foot there.
I never ever called them during our relationship due to shame. I only called them that time because it was my parents home and thank god I did because I could not afford solicitor fees.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 17:17

Thank you , I am pleased you got legal aid. He goes from being horrible to Disney dad. I feel like soon he will totally lose it as he has severe mood swings so I will call the police if he gets abusive

OP posts:

Potatodrivers · 02/01/2022 17:21

You must be a nervous wreck. I hope you are all free from him soon

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 17:39

I am so anxious , I will be devastated if he gets 50:50 and the kids have to live with them half the time

OP posts:

Potatodrivers · 02/01/2022 17:46

I very much doubt he will. Especially if you're logging everything and the kids might offload a fair bit to the teachers which will all help. This is the other reason why it's helpful to report to the police. It all builds up the picture he so desperately tries to hide from others.

On the off chance that he did, he wouldn't enjoy it and he would want you to babysit.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 02/01/2022 17:55

The problem is I don’t think my son will speak up , he plays everything down , my daughter may . Today my son said he is starting not to like him unprompted but that’s the only thing , the other thing is the lies he will tell about me . I got a bit tipsy two years ago at Christmas and he said I was a danger to my kids which is a complete lie. I barely drink but he drinks every night until the early hours

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Potatodrivers · 02/01/2022 18:05

Your son might just be uneasy talking to you about it due to the fact your his mum.
Don't worry about stuff your ex might say about you.
This really isn't uncommon and is expected by police and ss etc.

I was apparently too mentally unwell to look after my children and I could fly off the handle out of nowhere. Where as in reality, I am a major people please who avoids confrontation and rarely raise my voice.
What he was describing was himself and thankfully the professionals could see that.

Projection is big with these types of people and it really is well known, so try not to worry about things like that.

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