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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need advice re concerns for children

115 replies

Sweetie1980 · 31/12/2021 14:58

Hoping someone can advise. I am currently going through a divorce but we are still living together. Ex has an anger problem and is verbally abusive and intimidating at times. I have just got back from shopping ,leaving kids with him, when I got back both kids were very quiet and my ds (11) looked like he had been crying. My 6 yo said that Daddy had really hurt him by holding him down on the bed, I immediately asked ex about this and he got angry and said he had only done it to control him, my son said it didn't hurt but I think he is scared to tell the truth..ex then said he was sick of us all and started to throw the football at the wall in an aggressive way , whilst looking at me in an angry intimidating way, he was angry at my daughter for what he said was telling tales. What can I do ? This man is pushing for 50/50 child contact which I will not agree to ? I am so alarmed by this and now will be extremely worried for them .

OP posts:
LosingTheWill2 · 31/12/2021 23:21

Next time there is any physical abuse from him call 101 and report it. This is abuse. If he threatens you again (kicking a football aggressively while looking at you, is his way of warning you what he is capable of). No wonder your son doesn’t want to tell you the truth, his abuser is living in the same house and you are not protecting him.
Get that man out of your house and away from your kids. The police would have removed him from the house if you had called them and explained how your son was physically hurt, the verbal and emotional abuse and the threatening behaviour

Lennon80 · 31/12/2021 23:27

Do you have a CAFFCASS worker? They’ll speak to the kids- I doubt they’d want fifty fifty would they?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 31/12/2021 23:57

Keep a diary of every bullying episode. Which is what they are...

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 07:55

Thank you for your replies. The problem is my son will say it didn't hurt him but my daughter said he was constantly saying it hurt him at the time. I am scared if I call police my son will say nothing happened, even if he doesn't get 50:50 he will be on his own with kids, he is fine with them if they are not being silly or playing up, my son is not naughty but will get in a silly mood sometimes.

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 01/01/2022 11:37

Your ds playing up is likely him being anxious about getting abused... The police are good at dealing withe dc and abuse.... Ime.

Maui69 · 01/01/2022 14:21

The police are shit, in my experience, your best contacting social services directly.

Maui69 · 01/01/2022 14:22

He wouldn't be allowed to be on his own with the kids if he abused your son.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 15:24

Whenever I try and ask my son gets upset and tells me nothing happened, my daughter wouldn't lie about it. Ex is beibg vile today and said he won't budge with 50/50 shared care. He sees nothing wrong with speaking to the kids in a bullying manner and he is now saying I am abusive to him. I don't think he is balanced at the moment

OP posts:
JuneOsborne · 01/01/2022 15:30

Stop asking the kids what happened. You know what happened. Start teaching the kids that angry behaviour and hurting are never, ever ok. Don't even mention their dad. Just start no giving them the tools to have boundaries. Teach them that it's ok to tell the truth, that it may be scary telling the truth, but you can always work with the truth.

And keep writing everything down and fighting his 50/50. Makes you wonder why he wants it if he just wants to shout at and control the kids. Doesn't sound like much fun, does it?

Excitedforthefuture · 01/01/2022 15:32

Yes I told the op that

Poor kids

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 15:35

Thanks June. Its just control and to hurt me. My solicitor did say the judge would most likely agree that I am the primary carer but its still very worrying

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 01/01/2022 15:38

Your son is experiencing trauma and so his walls are up.

Back off, just support him. Love him. Speak to school, speak to social services. Build your case. Keep records of everything.

If your STBEXH behaves violently/abusive call the police immediately and they will remove him from the home.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 15:44

Thanks. My doctor has a record of him breaking an object in front of the children in anger, this is what made me file for divorce.

OP posts:
lilmishap · 01/01/2022 15:55

OP my ex was removed by police over a year ago we've had no c ontact since. My 8 year old has ONLY just started to describe his dad as scary, unkind, mean he has only just started to accept that he felt so low and hated himself because of his dads constant griping at him.

It's taken a year of not seeing his dad and being told by every adult in his life that daddy will be kept away. I suspect my son is very similar to your 11 year old, he hated 'snitching' when his dad was an arse and I wasn't there but I'm recently hearing about truly horrible incidents that he kept to himself.

You cannot do mediation with abuse, if the mediator understood what was going on at home they would refuse to see you both.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 16:04

Thanks. Will it look bad on me if I stop the mediation and go to my solicitor? I have heard the court wouldn't like that. Sorry if I am not making sense, I feel so stressed and anxious.

OP posts:
Excitedforthefuture · 01/01/2022 16:05

How has the mediation been to date?

Bunce1 · 01/01/2022 16:06

Yes, I was also going to say that it was my understanding that you should not attempt mediation with an abusive partner.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 16:11

He is like a different person in mediation and comes across as reasonable but in private telling me he won't give me anything, he knows how to talk and twist things

OP posts:
Excitedforthefuture · 01/01/2022 16:13

Irrelevant how he comes across

The mediator doesn’t care about that

It’s about the facts. So he can seem as reasonable as possible but if he’s not tangibly be reasonable in what he’s agreeing to or otherwise… then a good mediator will pick up on that

Mediation isn’t about how people come across

It really is all about what is agreed. In writing. By the mediator.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 16:31

Ok. We are supposed to have a session next week so I really don't know what to do now.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 01/01/2022 16:47

What’s the purpose of mediation?

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 16:50

To agree finances and children arrangements

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 01/01/2022 16:56

Are you getting what’s being set out in mediation in writing?
I would speak to womens Ald/your solicitor for advice on how to proceed.

Original poster
Sweetie1980 · 01/01/2022 17:09

We have just disclosed financials. My solicitor said of he doesn't accept I am primary carer and it gets in the way of discussing finances to contact her, I guess I will end up in court. He has a very wealthy family to pay for it.

OP posts:
SMabbutt · 01/01/2022 17:55

Have you checked for any marks? If there are then call the police and get it documented properly as assault. Definitely report to SS as well. They should have an out of hours team although the police should contact them as well if he has bruising/marks.

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