Why my boyfriend doing this?

[Whatsthesecret45]

I'm 32 and my boyfriends 47. We've been together 6 months officially but have ayesr on top of that getting to know one another.

This last few days he's mentioned other women's attractiveness. It started with him saying he told a mother and daughter at the shop they looked really alike and he told the girl she was pretty and then told the mum she's very like you.

Then today he told me about "nicky" on his Facebook who has horses and he helped build all her stables years ago. He was telling me about her skimpy outfits and how his ex at the time used to hate him going to the stables and in nickys car. I defended his Ex (for the first time) and said well to be honest I wouldn't have liked it either. He told me nicky was flirting etc. I said to him well sounds like you liked the attention. He started going mmm error nahhh nahhh she's not for me.

Then we get round the corner and he sees a couple in their mid twenties he knows. She's just had a baby this week. He suddenly started saying this girl had popped a picture on a few days after the baby and he couldn't believe how pretty she was. He said she gets dressed up and looks nice. I sarcastically said you are struggling to keep your eyes in your head today aren't you. He said no no. There's nothing wrong with saying a girls pretty. Doesn't mean you want to sleep with them..

This seems to be happening alot this week. I know he's abit like this. But why the hell is he saying it to me. Is he insecure. Does he not think I'm pretty enough now? I have come home and I feel like I'm going out with an immature teenager. I've struggled to make conversation today and don't particularly want to raise the issue with him and argue as none of these women have done anything or are interested in him.

Bloody get rid of him. It'll be the best thing you ever do. What a toad he is

I'm cringing for him.

I'm cringing for you OP.

He's very rarely in the past mentioned a person's looks. But like I say this week he's going out of his way to waffle about shallow things. Like I say the only thing I can pin point this to is the man who messaged me last week. Two more things this week too. A girl added him on Facebook last month. Be removed her in 2 days. Said he didn't know her. She walked past us this week and he could barely wait for her to get past before he was telling me he recognised her from somewhere and had rejected her add. I thought you liar. You accepted her. Then he was showing me a pretty woman he knows in London who does nails..she's my age too and they've been mates 12 years. She's married etc. But he scrolled through her Facebook showing me modelling pics she had done rather than the normal ones at the top.

Oh god just typing this out. It's so bizarre. It's one thing him thinking all this. But he doesn't need to tell me.

men like this try to use the idea that women are only valued on their physical looks and for no other reason.
Rest assured that being pretty or beautiful does not guarantee that you will be with someone who is faithful.
He won't change.
Why are you with someone who is 15 years older than you anyway?

@Whatsthesecret45

It's like the girl with the new baby. I wanted to say ofcourse she's pretty. She's about 21 and fresh faced and young. But then I looked at her boyfriend who my boyfriend knows and all I saw was a baby faced lad. Early 20s. Didn't look remotely grown up enough for me to have any sort of opinion on his looks or if I find him nice to look at. I don't understand why he's noticed her photos. Who cares. All I saw was too very young adults with their young baby.

Yeah this has occurred to me too. How so often older women do not find twenty-something men attractive as they seem to be as you say baby faced lads. But men like your partner don't appear to have this same outlook. I know it happens, but I find it gross when men of his age and older find 21 year old women attractive. The 21 year olds probably just think of him as an old man!

Couldn't be doing with a creepy fucker slobbering over women he sees in the street, makes my skin crawl, he probably thinks he's in with a chance, sad twat.

He's a sleazy, creepy, loser.

You being contacted by an old school friend has frightened him and instead of dealing with it he has decided to try and make you jealous.

Loser tactic.

Don't waste any more time with him.

You've played in to his hands by showing he's bothered you Op.

You've received a message from an old friend. That's made your bf want to bring you down a peg or two so you don't think you deserve better than him. He wants you to think he has other options too, so you don't look elsewhere.

It's childish, insecure and deeply unattractive behaviour.

The worst thing you can do is let it affect how you feel about yourself. This isn't about you. It's about his childish insecurity and his immature way of dealing with it. Don't let him think he's making you feel insecure or questionning whether you're good enough for him. That's what he wants. And it will show him he's been succesful which will encourage him to keep doing it.

Instead, tell him how unattractice, childish and pathetic it is when he tries to make you jealous. Tell him he won't make you jealous or insecure because you know your worth. Tell him it's deeply disprectful to the women involved and to you, and he ought to have more self respect as well. Tell him if he wants to keep you he needs to learn how to have an adult relationship.

My guess is that he felt threatened by the message you received (because he is immature with a fragile ego, you dealt with it sensibly) but something else would have happened eventually and this aspect of his behaviour would have surfaced, because it is there, in him. It's worked too, hasn't it, all the attempts to wrongfoot you? You challenging him about the women he's mentioned and asking if he still finds you attractive. This is what he wanted.

If you stay, don't expect things to be any better or any different.

He's punishing you for daring to be attractive to another man and your punishment is him trying to undermine any positive comments by rabbiting on about how attractive other women are, and then gaslighting you on top just to make you feel it's you. He is rather pathetic, I would find it very difficult to be with someone like that. You deserve better, OP.

I'm finding this thread very interesting. I too am seeing a man 15 years older (though I'm a bit older than the OP) who does something a bit similar. He has two DDs who are grown up with families but is always showing me photos of them and commenting how lovely they are and how they keep so fit (they are indeed, they work out and much better looking/bodies than me). He does it often. Also, he's always scrolling through his FB and occasionally he'll, for example, point out a woman friend of his and make a comment about her, maybe say she's a bit heavy or something. However, I'm a bit overweight myself and the woman may be smaller than me. I always pick him up on it and say "that's not a nice comment, and she's smaller than me". Of course he'll go into denial mode. He's always complimenting me and saying I have a lovely body, but I do wonder if he's trying to chip at my self confidence. I know because I work full time and he's almost retired that he worries about me meeting someone else. It does niggle, so I get how you feel OP.

Sorry OP but he's a sleazy creep. There's a reason he's 47 and you're 32 - everyone else has realised he's a loser and not worth the time.

@Sausagedogsarethebest

I'm finding this thread very interesting. I too am seeing a man 15 years older (though I'm a bit older than the OP) who does something a bit similar. He has two DDs who are grown up with families but is always showing me photos of them and commenting how lovely they are and how they keep so fit (they are indeed, they work out and much better looking/bodies than me). He does it often. Also, he's always scrolling through his FB and occasionally he'll, for example, point out a woman friend of his and make a comment about her, maybe say she's a bit heavy or something. However, I'm a bit overweight myself and the woman may be smaller than me. I always pick him up on it and say "that's not a nice comment, and she's smaller than me". Of course he'll go into denial mode. He's always complimenting me and saying I have a lovely body, but I do wonder if he's trying to chip at my self confidence. I know because I work full time and he's almost retired that he worries about me meeting someone else. It does niggle, so I get how you feel OP.

Why on earth are you with a man like this

He was jealous when the guy from school messaged you so now he's trying to make you feel the same, it's really that simple and pathetic. It's nasty, manipulative, emotionally immature behaviour and will be ingrained at 47yo, it won't get better and will make you miserable if you stay with him.

You've played right into his hands with that message, it shows him his tactics to make you insecure have worked and he now knows what to do if you get 'above yourself' or other men approach you in the future to ensure you don't have the self respect to bin him.

I fucking hate being manipulated so I would be dropping him like a stone and telling him exactly why so he knows not all women will fall for his bullshit but I guess you have to make your own decision about that. I think you have to ask yourself whether this relationship is going to be good for your self esteem though and if the truthful answer is no (spoiler, it is) then you owe it to yourself to walk away. Sorry

It's not an age thing btw, men like this exist in all age groups just as all older men don't behave like this.

It started with him saying he told a mother and daughter at the shop they looked really alike and he told the girl she was pretty and then told the mum she's very like you.

Jesus Christ. I wish men who say shit like this realised how skin crawlingly disgusting we find it.

A completely uninvited comment on our face / body is such a fucking display of male entitlement. Thinking we'll be grateful for it and enjoy it.

No, we think it's gross, intrusive and creepy as fuck.

I hope you told him how inappropriate it is to comment on strangers looks? I also hope you dump him because he sounds like an absolute cunt.

Mate, stop feeling pissed off and start feeling turned off.

Thats the beginnings of abuse.

Many Narcissists often mention other women in order to make you feel insecure and 'not enough'.

His mask has dropped. Run.

@Sausagedogsarethebest

I'm finding this thread very interesting. I too am seeing a man 15 years older (though I'm a bit older than the OP) who does something a bit similar. He has two DDs who are grown up with families but is always showing me photos of them and commenting how lovely they are and how they keep so fit (they are indeed, they work out and much better looking/bodies than me). He does it often. Also, he's always scrolling through his FB and occasionally he'll, for example, point out a woman friend of his and make a comment about her, maybe say she's a bit heavy or something. However, I'm a bit overweight myself and the woman may be smaller than me. I always pick him up on it and say "that's not a nice comment, and she's smaller than me". Of course he'll go into denial mode. He's always complimenting me and saying I have a lovely body, but I do wonder if he's trying to chip at my self confidence. I know because I work full time and he's almost retired that he worries about me meeting someone else. It does niggle, so I get how you feel OP.

Also, he's always scrolling through his FB and occasionally he'll, for example, point out a woman friend of his and make a comment about her, maybe say she's a bit heavy or something. However, I'm a bit overweight myself and the woman may be smaller than me.

I could shake you!! Why are you with such an arsehole?! Being single is infinitely better than being with someone who does shit like this, chipping away at your self esteem. It doesn't matter why they do it, all that matters is that they do it. Please stop seeing this dickhead.

You asking him whether he still finds you attractive is exactly what he was hoping you’d do so you’ve given him what he wanted.
He wants you doubting yourself and to feel insecure.

You should have either ignored his twatty comments or told him you don’t want to hear about other women.

You can do better though.

@elelel

It's not an age thing btw, men like this exist in all age groups just as all older men don't behave like this.

You'd think older guys would know better but sadly they don't!

Also, he has already succeeded in getting what he wants- you questioning if you are enough for him.

Just, run op. Run fast and run far.

It's the beginnings of 'narcissistic triangulation'. Which is when they play you off against someone or something else in order to make you feel insecure about where you stand in their affections.

However, you confronted him on it so now he will likey change tactics.

Normal people do not use narcissistic triangulation. It is the domain of the cluster b personalities and similar.

He does not mean good things for you.

@HollowTalk

The fact is that he's bloody lucky to have you and if he's looking elsewhere he should be dumped immediately.

But sadly he's probably trying to make OP think she's lucky to have him.

@Whatsthesecret45

Its weird. I feel so confused. It started after a lad from my school days messaged me last week and put hello beautiful. He thought I was single. I told him I was in a relationship and he apologised and just asked how I was. I told my boyfriend to be completely honest incase his name popped up on my screen.

I think there's been 4 or 5 incidents since then where he's had these stories.

I want to say something to him but I don't know how to word it. I feel like saying do you still find me attractive because you seem be mentioning other women's looks alot. Or should I put him on the spot and ask him if he's still attracted to me or is he starting to feel there's better options.

I feel pissed off.

Just tell him to fuck off. You're welcome, thank me later!

He's really not worth the headspace.

If you don't like how he behaves-get rid!

Don't try to work it out & fix it!