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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why my boyfriend doing this?

112 replies

Whatsthesecret45 · 30/12/2021 15:34

I'm 32 and my boyfriends 47. We've been together 6 months officially but have ayesr on top of that getting to know one another.

This last few days he's mentioned other women's attractiveness. It started with him saying he told a mother and daughter at the shop they looked really alike and he told the girl she was pretty and then told the mum she's very like you.

Then today he told me about "nicky" on his Facebook who has horses and he helped build all her stables years ago. He was telling me about her skimpy outfits and how his ex at the time used to hate him going to the stables and in nickys car. I defended his Ex (for the first time) and said well to be honest I wouldn't have liked it either. He told me nicky was flirting etc. I said to him well sounds like you liked the attention. He started going mmm error nahhh nahhh she's not for me.

Then we get round the corner and he sees a couple in their mid twenties he knows. She's just had a baby this week. He suddenly started saying this girl had popped a picture on a few days after the baby and he couldn't believe how pretty she was. He said she gets dressed up and looks nice. I sarcastically said you are struggling to keep your eyes in your head today aren't you. He said no no. There's nothing wrong with saying a girls pretty. Doesn't mean you want to sleep with them..

This seems to be happening alot this week. I know he's abit like this. But why the hell is he saying it to me. Is he insecure. Does he not think I'm pretty enough now? I have come home and I feel like I'm going out with an immature teenager. I've struggled to make conversation today and don't particularly want to raise the issue with him and argue as none of these women have done anything or are interested in him.

OP posts:

92miles · 30/12/2021 16:01

Is it possible he's become so comfortable with you that he kind of 'forgets' your status as girlfriend and simply forgets his filter?

My exH once said to me that 'I definitely have a type' (referring to blonde women). Not really something you say to your brunette wife of 28 years. I believe he actually got to the point where he forgot I was there as his wife, he may have been talking to the wardrobe.

Georgeskitchen · 30/12/2021 16:03

He's behaving like a prick. He's undermining your confidence. He's ogling get women.
He's a loser
I would dump him asap

Original poster

Whatsthesecret45 · 30/12/2021 16:03

I've sent him a message and said do you find me attractive still. He put ofcourse I do why. So I said because you've been telling me how pretty other women are all week and I don't really know why need me to know, so I've come to the conclusion you perhaps wish you had a better looking woman on your arm.

I should have spoke to him when I was at his house. He hates questions in messages but I didn't know what to say at the time whilst it was happening.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 30/12/2021 16:04

You're inadvertently involved with a knobhead loser.

You're WAY out of his league, OP. Dump his arse and start 2022 afresh.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2021 16:05

@Whatsthesecret45

I should have spoke to him when I was at his house. He hates questions in messages but I didn't know what to say at the time whilst it was happening.

Why, why, why are you chasing this fuckwit? Are you really that desperate for a man?

Nosnowthisyear · 30/12/2021 16:05

I feel sorry for that mother with her daughter in the shop. Was that supposed to make you jealous? What a horrible creep.

elelel · 30/12/2021 16:06

I've sent him a message and said do you find me attractive still.

Bless you OP. You have played right into his manipulative hands here. Not only is he openly talking about towhee women to you but he has you asking him to like you. Please find some self respect somewhere and end this relationship. This guy is not worth the shit on your shoe

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 16:06

@Whatsthesecret45

I should have spoke to him when I was at his house. He hates questions in messages but I didn't know what to say at the time whilst it was happening.

He probably does find you attractive. He's grinding down your confidence because he knows other people do too.

He wants you questioning and doubting yourself because he's a prick and knows you can do better.

HollowTalk · 30/12/2021 16:06

The fact is that he's bloody lucky to have you and if he's looking elsewhere he should be dumped immediately.

WednesdaysChildIsFullOfCake · 30/12/2021 16:06

You don't have to 'word' anything long....
A 'fuck off and never contact me again' should suffice
He doesn't like the fact that someone's interested in you and he's trying to play mind games, make you jealous/insecure etc
I'd be laughing at the creepy old bastard and telling him to do one and asking the other bloke if he wants to go for a drink
Don't be reeled in by him, there's a reason why he's not settled in a relationship

elelel · 30/12/2021 16:06

*other women

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 16:06

And who gives a fuck what he does or doesn't like in messages. Message him any questions you want. Another example of him being a twat.

Original poster

Whatsthesecret45 · 30/12/2021 16:07

It's like the girl with the new baby. I wanted to say ofcourse she's pretty. She's about 21 and fresh faced and young. But then I looked at her boyfriend who my boyfriend knows and all I saw was a baby faced lad. Early 20s. Didn't look remotely grown up enough for me to have any sort of opinion on his looks or if I find him nice to look at. I don't understand why he's noticed her photos. Who cares. All I saw was too very young adults with their young baby.

OP posts:

Eviebeans · 30/12/2021 16:08

I think he's feeling his age and is trying (in a really annoying and unattractive way) to emphasise to you that other women find him attractive.

Itsnotdeep · 30/12/2021 16:08

ew, he's a loser.

You clearly made him feel insecure by getting a message on FB, so he's making you feel insecure back by talking about other women Because he's a twat. And it's working because you're already starting to worry about whether he finds you attractive.

updownroundandround · 30/12/2021 16:08

He's worried because you've been called 'beautiful' by a man 20 years younger than him, and his ego can't stand it !

It's got bugger all to do with how attractive he finds you, and asking him if he still finds you attractive will actually encourage him to keep commenting on other women ffs !

Do not ask him anything.
Tell him you find his comments distasteful and juvenile.

If he doesn't like that, or tries to tell you it's you who has an 'issue' with his 'normal' male 'behavior', then dump his ass asap, because he'll always try to put you down to make him 'feel better'

SadSplinter · 30/12/2021 16:09

He’s sowing the seeds to let you know that he doesn’t want to be with you.

Original poster

Whatsthesecret45 · 30/12/2021 16:10

I'm single on Facebook because he's never wanted to change our status. So I get a few messages a month and friend requests from men my age. They are a mixture of looks. I don't respond to any of them. I'm always respectful to my boyfriend. I genuinely don't look. Even the gorgeous jogger in the park doesn't make me feel the need to express his beauty to my boyfriend. I don't give q fuck if someone's attractive. It just goes straight over my head.

He said don't be so silly I think you are gorgeous and think the world of you.

OP posts:

Jtb5790 · 30/12/2021 16:13

🚩

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 16:13

So why's he constantly trying to make you feel insecure? What's his explanation?

Nibblypiggotonabus · 30/12/2021 16:13

I'm afraid to say you're falling straight into his trap of asking him to validate your worth by asking him if he still finds you attractive. The reason this behaviour has ramped up is because you have been approached by someone else so his plan is to destroy your self-esteem so you don't go anywhere else.
It's called negging.
Don't stand for it. Tell him to fuck off.

Clymene · 30/12/2021 16:14

He's an old man letching over young women in public and sexually harassing them. He's revolting OP.

How can you not see that?

Juletide · 30/12/2021 16:17

Can't see a future with this one OP.

Original poster

Whatsthesecret45 · 30/12/2021 16:18

What's nagging then? This is what I mean. It feels like he's going out of his way to say the most pointless things. I'm cringing for him. He was on about that nicky in her bra and shorts delivering puppies with him once and I thought why the hell are you telling me this. It didn't happen when we were together. It made his ex girlfriend feel like shit. His ex girlfriend is a lain in the ass sometimes messaging him. But i defended her today because he made her feel like crap and he knew exactly why she felt like that. Because he was obviously making her aware of this attractive woman he was around.

OP posts:

LidlMiddleLover · 30/12/2021 16:18

@ElectraBlue

He simply is a loser and a creep and he is too old for you, just get rid of him...

He is a loser the age gap doesn’t matter

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