Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

Hugs to anyone feeling a bit flat but it is the time of year for it. Maybe a nice walk in the sun today and treat yourself to a coffee? Always helps my spirits. And Spring will be just round the corner. Snowdrops, primroses and crocuses on the way, if that sort of thing makes you happy 🙂

Thanks @Shayelle2009, that cheered me up! And yes, the weather is glorious today! Hope you recover quickly from your Covid.

Well done everyone who's doing dry January! I'm not normally a huge drinker but I definitely drank more than usual over the Christmas/NY period and I think it's probably partly why I was feeling so low by the end of it. So will be easing off now and trying to be a bit more healthy. Will be cheering you all on!

@FabulousMrFifty I'm excited about Ms Dog Walker! It all sounds so wholesome and nice. Do you have any plans to see if you can move it up a notch from the accidental meetings and pleasantries?

Btw I'm reading this thread Something DH can do that I just can't. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4444221-Something-DH-can-do-that-I-just-cant
It's devastatingly lovely. Be prepared to cry!

Yes I posted on that. It made me miss my fuckwit XH - reminded me he wasn’t all bad by any means.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs omg that looks so glam, fun and exciting!! I would LOVE to do that. What a completely cool thing to do!!

Haha @Badbaddog it did make me laugh when you said you’d read them the same book every night, to minimise questions 🤣🤣

Exciting @FabulousMrFifty sounds a bit like my MrTurk interest, however we’ve not yet spoken, but I will try, once am able to go outside again. Nice to have someone nearby of interest isn't it? 🙂 how did you start chatting? I’m wondering how to try and just get that initial spark of convo, just need the right moment.

@Badbaddog I love your ‘only read one book at bedtime’ tip, genius! I doubt my kids would let me get away with it though. They are already grabbing the next book to read while I’m half way through a ten page picture book. And the eldest (5, possibly has ASD, definitely has crazy energy levels!) no longer sits down to listen but instead jumps around the room like a kangaroo, leaping across the room between items of furniture. I just let the words wash over him

[quote BelladiMamma]Morning all!

If you can access it, this is an interesting read about why you should only date men who've had therapy; women and the 'mental load' of dating; and the current dating scene

apple.news/AYbxorEO4QZy_bIXM3uOh5Q[/quote]
Can't access the article. What's the "mental load" of dating?

@RayoftheTriffids I've done a screen shot of the relevant paragraph. It's about how men don't always take the time to heal between relationships, or have the sort of friendships that allow them to heal.

Having said that, I think both genders are equally guilty of this!

@BelladiMamma
Yep 100% agree, I think most men don’t seem to have the same level of deep friendships that women seem to, and I’m quite envious of that

@BelladiMamma Interesting article. Having therapy support during my split with my ex has been really helpful for me to see the problems in our relationship and how I can learn from this going forward. We were terrible at communicating and so in any new relationship having open and honest communication is top of my list. I'm also a people pleaser, but I need to remember that I need to do what is right for me and not what I think others want to make them happy at my cost. I'm also working on identifying where I can't control stuff and letting it go. Sounds easy when I write it here. It's tough to break habits of a lifetime....but I'm trying!

@BelladiMamma. Yeah I guess there's truth in that. Friendships are quite weirdly gendered to my mind, but then I grew up in an all female household. And seems to get worse once kids are involved, dads vs mums and all that. Not sure therapy is the answer but then I'm not sure what is. Prob true that both genders are guilty. I guess the apps may facilitate that as much of our baggage is in a private space. Perhaps there should be a therapist mandate for OLD (joking).

@FabulousMrFifty comment reminds me of how pilloried the idea of a new man was back in the day (80s?)

@PurpleStripyScarf @Shayelle2009
My next step is the tricky one, I need to suss out if there is a Mr Dog Walker on the scene or not.
I’ve never seen a different person on the other end of the lead, but who knows 🤷🏼‍♂️

@RayoftheTriffids
Yeah, Boy’s don’t cry, as men we get conditioned not to express our feelings or emotions, I remember my dad calling “new men”, poofs and Nancy boys in the 80’s, how those days have changed

My dad used to say that too 😢. My DBs are pretty much fucked up as a result. He’s always been a great dad to me but had no idea how to be a father to the boys, his own having been absent for a lot of his childhood because of the war. I’ve talked to him recently about toxic masculinity and he does get it now, way too late.

@Badbaddog @FabulousMrFifty @RayoftheTriffids this is so sad to read.

I do think women are guilty of bringing their own baggage or unhelpful hang ups into a relationship without dealing with them. And then expecting their partner to be the emotional support blanket.

My Dad wasn't like that but he's taken years to talk to me about some things ... but now he's started he just can't stop. He was / is a classic alpha male, all rugged and sporty and chisel jawed. Even at my wedding I had people come up to me and ask if he was single 😂

After I told MrA about MrD yesterday MrA spent most of the day on the phone to me. Having a very charming but needy cling on to his therapy dog aka me. As a good girl friend said to me, it's the last little tug of war that he wants to do on you ... funny isn't it. He knew how I felt about him and he did sweet FA about it. But still wanted me as his emotional comfort blanket

As @Eesha would say, what a bozo

I'm now going through my contacts list and deleting then blocking random date contacts that I don't want to hear from. None of them have been in touch since before Christmas and given that we never met I don't feel obliged to send them any explanation. I just don't want them to pop up on my WhatsApp

Do we think that's a dick move or fair?

Placemarking

@BelladiMamma, I think if there has been no contact between you and them for a couple of weeks then it's pretty clear neither party is that interested in pursuing something. You sent the message re Mr Dublin to those that mattered so no further action needed IMO.
@Shayelle2009, I was just looking at the Melissa Peer (sp?) clip that you shared. Interesting stuff although she is a bit repetitive and self referential, particularly in another video I watched where she basically tells us how great her marriage and husband are. Not in a smug way but telling us what we should be holding out/looking for. Which is a bit 'No shit Sherlock' for me and probably for a good number on this thread who come across as fairly confident, together kind of people who are just struggling to find someone they fancy, can laugh with and share core values with. I don't not love myself, I like who I am and I know I give lots- probably too much- to people. I think I mentioned the other day that my friend- who is married to a nice guy but they have various ongoing issues- tells me that I am, expecting too much. But I don't think I am. The issue is really how many 'okay' scenarios do you go through and eventually reject because it's not the whole package. I like sex very much but I also think that choosing or maintaining relationships where this is the main feature really isn't for me anymore. The lack of it may yet be what is the undoing of me and Mr V but I wouldn't now choose to stay with someone simply because of the great sex.

@Badbaddog
My old man was forces, my sister was born overseas but I was born back in the UK, but my parents didn’t use base housing, so my dad was always aware for my first 10 years or so, then he had a mental breakdown as left the forces a bit later, wasn’t until his was terminal with cancer that we really talked about anything, too late by then.

@BelladiMamma
Fair, no dicks here

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@Badbaddog
My old man was forces, my sister was born overseas but I was born back in the UK, but my parents didn’t use base housing, so my dad was always aware for my first 10 years or so, then he had a mental breakdown as left the forces a bit later, wasn’t until his was terminal with cancer that we really talked about anything, too late by then.[/quote]
That sounds really tough on you😢. I can’t remember if you’ve had counselling at all? I recommend it to absolutely everyone! It’s helped me build my relationship with my DF, which only really took off from my mid30s and is now just about the most important in my life (come on Dad, you’re only 87, keep going 😂) and to be much clearer in my mind about what makes me as me tick, as opposed to me as someone’s mum.

@FabulousMrFifty @Onesmallstep67 thanks, that's good to know.

Another fan of therapy here. Be good to yourselves and help your brains and emotions to recover ❤️

@Onesmallstep67 I think it’s just really useful for me to hear at the minute after a bit of a painful Christmas with a lot of family rejection, I need to drum it into myself sometimes that I’m my best friend, need to praise myself and be kind to myself, if it’s not any use to you then that’s great and I’m really glad to hear you don’t need it 🙂💗 with any luck I will soon be at that point too.

@Shayelle2009, sorry if what I said might have seemed a bit dismissive of the sentiment behind what the person was saying. She is of course absolutely right and I'm glad that her words are helping you to remind yourself that you are a wonderful, unique person who deserves and can receive love and respect from everyone in your life. xx

It’s all cool @Onesmallstep67 I’m just finding at the minute submerging myself in these positive messages is keeping my spirits up, and trying to work on some old issues to put me in a better place emotionally if and when I meet someone 🙂

I really admire the efforts you’re going to @Shayelle2009 to improve your happiness. You’re a fighter! What helps each of us is unique to us.

As one of the older people on here (ahem) I’ll say that, while the interweb seems to bring some of its own anxiety-inducing problems, the way it gives us access to information and support in so many different ways still absolutely blows my mind!