DH Wants A Dog

[Everley]

DH wants a dog, has done for years. His family had a few dogs when he was growing up. I have never had a pet. I am scared of dogs, can just about manage being around one if I’m outdoors but being inside with one makes me very anxious.

When we first moved in together we contemplated getting one but I decided I wasn’t comfortable with one and we decided against it.

He’s been watching videos online about dog ownership etc and has said he’s definitely getting one and that if I wasn’t on board we would have to get a divorce. I asked him whether he would throw away our marriage to get a pet and he said that was up to me, because in the next few years he will be getting a dog.

Not quite sure where to go from here. I can’t contemplate living with something that I am scared of and uncomfortable around. That doesn’t seem fair on a dog either, a pet should be wanted by the whole family in my eyes.

Anyone got any ideas on how to approach this?

his parents had a dog and he would never look after it if they needed a dogsitter

That’s all you need to know.

do you think you could cope with maybe an older calm dog that was already housetrained and chilled? I wonder if theres any compromise to be tried before jumping straight to splitting up over it?
My Dp is only ever properly happy with a dog around. Im more of a cat person, but we have both. I think if someone is a dog person then its a shame for them to know theyll never ever get to have one. Id hate to live without pets and it sounds like hes really tried

I've been on multiple threads where the op wants something major like a dog or a child and the op doesn't and the answer is the same - if it's a dealbreaker, you can't force them, you deal or leave. I've certainly seen double standards on here but not in this type of thread.

@Calamitydrayne

Ironically if a husband refused point blank to compromise with his wife over something that she really wanted to have or to do which would make her happy, you'd all be calling him controlling and abusive and telling her to LTB because her happiness is more important. The double standards on here are glaring.

Bullshit.

Firstly there is no 'compromise' when it comes to having a pet or having a child. You either have one or you don't.

Secondly, if a woman posted saying she'd always wanted a dog but her husband was scared of them and they reached a stalemate, people would overwhelmingly tell her that there is no compromising on pets or kids and that if she wants a dog more than she wants to be with her husband, the marriage isn't sustainable anyway. She'd get called selfish for not caring about her husbands fear of animals, too. Rightly so.

@Calamitydrayne

Oh and you seem to have missed that part of the reason people think her husband is absolutely unreasonable is this: "his parents had a dog and he would never look after it if they needed a dogsitter"

He doesn't want to be a responsible dog owner, he wants an accessory that loves him.

My DH would love to get a dog but he is chronically ill and there is categorically no way I have time to deal with the work that comes with a dog. So instead we have a cat.

If he's actually so bothered about getting a dog, why wouldn't he be doing walks for friends and Borrow My Doggy as @AwkwardPaws27 suggests - not as an alternative to having his own dog but as a prelude to it?

I'd be very concerned that, as you suspect, he will quickly get bored of the responsibility of dog owning and this also will fall to you - which is just flatly unreasonable and cruel to a dog.

I wouldn't wait until the day he just turns up with a dog, I think that (ludicrous as it is) you need to consider separating if he is adamant he would choose a dog over his marriage. My concern is that he actively wants you to make this choice, so that he can paint himself as the innocent victim of a dog-hater who wasn't willing to compromise - when he is the one who has made an ultimatum.

My brother left his wife for a dog.

Absolutely do not get a dog if he can't even be bothered looking after his parents dog! Because you will definitely be doing all the work

@Monzeitia

I was your partner two years ago, after loosing my beloved lab four years ago, I was ready to have another one, he never had dogs and was not keen on having one, I waited two years to see if I could change his mind but he always had excuses, by then I was ready to leave the relationship even if I loved him but I knew having a dog will have improved my life enormously, I told him and then he relentlessly agreed, we got a rescue dog now that he completely adores, sometimes you need to compromise and you may be surprised at the results

You didn't compromise though did you? You got your own way. You were lucky that your partner turned out to like the dog. I do think you were very selfish, imposing a dog on someone and also deciding if they said no you'd leave.

@Everley

DH wants a dog, has done for years. His family had a few dogs when he was growing up. I have never had a pet. I am scared of dogs, can just about manage being around one if I’m outdoors but being inside with one makes me very anxious.

When we first moved in together we contemplated getting one but I decided I wasn’t comfortable with one and we decided against it.

He’s been watching videos online about dog ownership etc and has said he’s definitely getting one and that if I wasn’t on board we would have to get a divorce. I asked him whether he would throw away our marriage to get a pet and he said that was up to me, because in the next few years he will be getting a dog.

Not quite sure where to go from here. I can’t contemplate living with something that I am scared of and uncomfortable around. That doesn’t seem fair on a dog either, a pet should be wanted by the whole family in my eyes.

Anyone got any ideas on how to approach this?

If you get a puppy you will overcome your fear. It will be your baby and as it grows you will love it. I knows it :)

@Anordinarymum

If you get a puppy you will overcome your fear. It will be your baby and as it grows you will love it.

Would you say this to a woman whose husband wanted another baby and she didn't?

I mean, that would quite literally be her baby and no doubt she would love it.

But that doesn't mean she should have to have one she didn't want to have.

It's so patronising to say to people that if they get a dog they'll overcome their fear of them. How can you possibly know that? Where's your proof? I say that as a dog lover.

I'm afraid of spiders, getting a tarantula wouldn't change that.

My friend doesn't want another baby and her husband really does. She gets the deciding vote - the person who doesn't want a pet or baby should always get the deciding vote because it's not fair to introduce an animal or baby to a home where they're unwanted. If the other person then wants to leave as they want a pet or baby more than they want to remain in the relationship then they are free to do so.

My DH may think I love our dog, and he's right I do. It doesn't mean that I don't think that our life would be infinitely easier and cheaper without him, nor does it mean that I don't regret caving in and saying yes to one ( although better now than when we are retired).

My brother in law wanted a dog. Went on and on and on about it. My sister did not want a dog
In the end she said look, if you want a dog, get a dog. But understand that you will do everything. I will not walk the dog, I will not do anything. You want the dog? You walk it, feed it, arrange anything it needs.

And she stuck to that.

Well, the walking it bit at least. 😁 She loved the little bugger.

But that's not relevant. You should make it clear to him that if he wants a dog then he takes full care of it, including doggy daycare when he is at work because you will not ever take over for him.

That's if you don't just want to say fine. Divorce me. Blackmail and manipulation are not what I want from a husband anyway

@MadMadMadamMim

I would simply agree with him. I'd tell him I was definitely not on board with this and so we would indeed be divorcing if he pushed the issue. I'd tell him that the minute he brought a dog into my home that I would be moving out and I would be filing for divorce and going for half the assets and half his pension.

It would be the most expensive fucking dog in history...

I do agree with this BUT I'd get my ducks in a row first. Why forewarn him so he can hide assets? Get an initial consultation with a solicitor so you know where you stand legally as far as marital finances are concerned and take with you good documentation of his finances and yours, including pensions and savings.

He really has shown you how he values you - so please take that on board and protect yourself 🌹