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Original poster

DH Wants A Dog

114 replies

Everley · 28/12/2021 18:25

DH wants a dog, has done for years. His family had a few dogs when he was growing up. I have never had a pet. I am scared of dogs, can just about manage being around one if I’m outdoors but being inside with one makes me very anxious.

When we first moved in together we contemplated getting one but I decided I wasn’t comfortable with one and we decided against it.

He’s been watching videos online about dog ownership etc and has said he’s definitely getting one and that if I wasn’t on board we would have to get a divorce. I asked him whether he would throw away our marriage to get a pet and he said that was up to me, because in the next few years he will be getting a dog.

Not quite sure where to go from here. I can’t contemplate living with something that I am scared of and uncomfortable around. That doesn’t seem fair on a dog either, a pet should be wanted by the whole family in my eyes.

Anyone got any ideas on how to approach this?

OP posts:
Calamitydrayne · 28/12/2021 18:38

@AnneLovesGilbert

May me helpful to try and rationalize your fear here

Completely irrelevant. She doesn’t want one and his response is to threaten her with ditching their marriage. It doesn’t matter what the specifics are.

No it's not irrelevant.
RaininSummer · 28/12/2021 18:38

It does seem heavy saying the marriage could end if you're not on board with a dog but it's a particular kind of lifestyle I guess. Maybe he has always visualised having dogs in his life and this would be very hard to let go of. It sounds as though you always knew he wanted a dog.

Watchingpeppa12 · 28/12/2021 18:39

I think people’s reaction would be very different if OP wanted children and DH didn’t. It is the same thing to some people

MMmomDD · 28/12/2021 18:40

OP - I think you both are being unreasonable. He should do more to make you feel comfortable with the idea. And you can also get a bit of a grip. Dog come in all sizes and it’s unlikely that a Toy-poodle or a Yorkie is going to cause you huge amount of anxiety.

There are plenty of people who didn’t grow up with pets who are now happy new pet owners.
A friend of mine who used to ask me if my cat bites - now has a selection of pets. Granted - it was kids that changed her mind.

But if you aren’t ready to compromise on that - then yes - divorce before it’s too late.
I personally couldn’t live my life without pets. If my partner were allergic - then ok, would accept it. But not otherwise

Calamitydrayne · 28/12/2021 18:40

@Watchingpeppa12

I think people’s reaction would be very different if OP wanted children and DH didn’t. It is the same thing to some people
But this 8s Mumsnet. It's only up to men to try and reach a compromise in a marriage. Women don't have to...
NoSquirrels · 28/12/2021 18:40

@Watchingpeppa12

I think people’s reaction would be very different if OP wanted children and DH didn’t. It is the same thing to some people
Not at all. In that case my advice would be the same. Get a divorce. Not ‘have a baby anyway to keep your husband happy’.
Watchingpeppa12 · 28/12/2021 18:41

@NoSquirrels yes totally!! I agree with that, but not all the harsh comments about him blackmailing her etc

EightNationNavy · 28/12/2021 18:42

A decent man would offer to pay for therapy for your phobia, and then dogsit a friend's dog a few times over a year, and only then have a serious discussion.

Right now neither of you are in a position to make the very serious decision (I mean you're talking 10-15 years maybe) about getting a dog. You have a serious phobia! He has a wife with a serious phobia! The decision cannot be fully informed and unforced right now!

It is in your interests to get shot of the phobia though - I'm not saying you should get a dog mind you! Just that fear of dogs is limiting your life and choices. Why would anyone want that?

You may well do the therapy, lose the fear, and still decide you don't want a dog and your DH can indeed divorce you instead. I love dogs and... they are expensive, messy, and a tie, and believe me I would back a "no" TO THE HILT.

TopCatsTopHat · 28/12/2021 18:42

Good god! What a horrid attitude. I can completely understand a strong desire for a dog, but not the ability to make no consideration for your partners unasked for fear.
He could have said 'darling, I really want this and I think you'd enjoy the pet too if you weren't afraid, shall we see about getting you phobia counselling, it would make life easier for you and might make it possible for you to be comfortable with a pet dog, or is there any way we could try to get around this fear? "
But he didn't. 😲
I would really love a budgie, I had an amazing pet budgie when I was young that had a brilliant life and I had such a good bond with, if love to do that again. Sadly dh is allergic to feathers so I've decided to divorce him... No, not really, that would be mad, it's not like he's withholding my deepest desire to be mean is it!

Pinkbonbon · 28/12/2021 18:45

@Watchingpeppa12

I think people’s reaction would be very different if OP wanted children and DH didn’t. It is the same thing to some people
I disagree. The advice would be to leave and find someone to have kids with.
NoSquirrels · 28/12/2021 18:46

Ultimatums are rarely helpful, or the sign of a great relationship.

Is this totally out of the blue, or symptomatic of issues generally?

LosingMySh1t · 28/12/2021 18:46

My DH and I are going through the same issues.
I'm do not like dogs at all.
I dont want to have one in my house but DH who grew up around them is desperate for one.

I'm dreading it coming to a head.

Frazzled2207 · 28/12/2021 18:48

His attitude stinks. We have had the dog conversation several times and agreed we are only getting one when we are both 100% on board. Much like having a baby really.

MissCruellaDeVil · 28/12/2021 18:52

I would probably divorce my DH if he didn't want a pet too...
Seriously you should leave this man, he doesn't care about you and is invalidating your feelings.

Buildingthefuture · 28/12/2021 18:53

Well I can see both sides of this. I absolutely love dogs always have and would never be without them (I have lots Smile. But, I wouldn’t have married (or even dated) someone who didn’t share my passion in the first place. I think threatening to divorce you over it is childish and mean and controlling. But then I also don’t think your desire NOT to have a dog trumps his desire to have one….

usernamealreadytaken · 28/12/2021 19:00

I can see both sides. You knew how much DH wanted a dog before marrying him - did you just expect him to permanently compromise? I don't think he's addressed it well, but this phobia limits your life and is obviously hugely upsetting, so are you willing to address that with therapy or counselling, and then revisit the question of owning a dog once the phobia isn't a barrier? You can also then address whether you want to genuinely be with somebody who doesn't help you over your fear but expects you to confront it.

Pinkbonbon · 28/12/2021 19:01

@Buildingthefuture

Well I can see both sides of this. I absolutely love dogs always have and would never be without them (I have lots Smile. But, I wouldn’t have married (or even dated) someone who didn’t share my passion in the first place. I think threatening to divorce you over it is childish and mean and controlling. But then I also don’t think your desire NOT to have a dog trumps his desire to have one….
But it does because it would force responsibilities onto her that she didn't choose.

The desire may be equally valid. But the rights are not.

AdamRyan · 28/12/2021 19:04

So he's always wanted a dog, when you first moved in together you considered it (so hadn't said no dogs at that point) and now you are married you are saying no dog ever.
I think YABU. My exH did this to me and honestly,if he'd told me up front marrying him meant no dog in my life, I would have seriously considered whether or not to marry him. I hugely resented him changing the goal posts when we married and it was a factor in us splitting up.

I think you should consider how you can make his dog ownership work for you. E.g. say you will never walk, feed or clean up after the dog- its his pet. But I don't think its fair at all to tell a dog lover they can never have one. In fact I think its a bit controlling

LadyCatStark · 28/12/2021 19:04

Looks like you’re heading for divorce then because I can guarantee once the dog gets here, it’ll end up being you doing all the work for it!

Pinkbonbon · 28/12/2021 19:06

Tbf pp has a fair point if you didn't say no from day one. Or make it clear before marriage.

But now you know for sure that you both want different things.

laidbacklife · 28/12/2021 19:07

Just no. Owning a dog is a huge daily commitment. He sounds like the sort who will expect you to look after the dog when he realises just how much of an impact it is on daily life. Having a dog in the family as a child is nothing like owning the dog yourself. I expect his parents did all the hard work and made the sacrifices and he just occasionally played or walked the dogs when he felt like it. Kids can get away with that, adults cannot. Regardless, he sounds very immature and certainly not the right material for joint dog ownership (or having kids with).

TopCatsTopHat · 28/12/2021 19:08

It's not controlling if her motive isn't a choice. Of course, either op or her dh could have looked for ways to solve the conundrum before a final decision was taken but the way the op was written suggests that part was skipped and it was straight to 'I have my way or we end' which I think is more controlling. Most reasonable adults on either side of this situation would attempt to fix the issue before banging down the gavel.

Kookookachuu · 28/12/2021 19:10

I’m with your DH and would rather divorce then get a dog Grin however, I would never ever be in a relationship with someone that doesn’t like dogs so this problem would never occur. Could you look after friends quiet dog and see how you go? Dogs are wonderful! Do not get a puppy though they’re crazy and not for the faint hearted.

daretodenim · 28/12/2021 19:12

If he doesn't want to be married to you and would rather have a dog instead and has openly said this, why are you not posting here asking about how to get a quick abd good divorce?

He wants a dog more than you.

Think about that.

It's not a reflection on you, but it is a reflection on how special he thinks you and your relationship is. Ignoring that won't make it less painful, because it's not exactly something that can be forgotten.

SmallElephant · 28/12/2021 19:12

I'm not a dog person and feel nervous around them (we have cats). If DH insisted on getting one I would definitely leave him.