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Original poster

DH Wants A Dog

114 replies

Everley · 28/12/2021 18:25

DH wants a dog, has done for years. His family had a few dogs when he was growing up. I have never had a pet. I am scared of dogs, can just about manage being around one if I’m outdoors but being inside with one makes me very anxious.

When we first moved in together we contemplated getting one but I decided I wasn’t comfortable with one and we decided against it.

He’s been watching videos online about dog ownership etc and has said he’s definitely getting one and that if I wasn’t on board we would have to get a divorce. I asked him whether he would throw away our marriage to get a pet and he said that was up to me, because in the next few years he will be getting a dog.

Not quite sure where to go from here. I can’t contemplate living with something that I am scared of and uncomfortable around. That doesn’t seem fair on a dog either, a pet should be wanted by the whole family in my eyes.

Anyone got any ideas on how to approach this?

OP posts:
Barton10 · 28/12/2021 20:35

He is being totally unreasonable. I had dogs growing up and would love one but DH doesn’t like them or want one so I am not getting one, It is a massive change in your lifestyle and both of you need to be on board or it isn’t fair on you or the dog. He has no respect for you and if I was you I would leave him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 20:49

He's openly told you that if the choice was between your marriage and a dog, he would choose the dog. I don't think there's any going back from a statement with that much contempt really.

RunningFromInsanity · 28/12/2021 20:57

Having a dog is life altering and hard when you want one.
It would be almost unbearable when you don’t want one and are forced into it.

But also, the ultimatum is a big enough problem on its own. That’s not how marriages should work.

Monzeitia · 28/12/2021 21:01

I was your partner two years ago, after loosing my beloved lab four years ago, I was ready to have another one, he never had dogs and was not keen on having one, I waited two years to see if I could change his mind but he always had excuses, by then I was ready to leave the relationship even if I loved him but I knew having a dog will have improved my life enormously, I told him and then he relentlessly agreed, we got a rescue dog now that he completely adores, sometimes you need to compromise and you may be surprised at the results

SunshineCake1 · 28/12/2021 21:04

If he is absolutely serious about getting a dog in a few years then why waste anymore time with him. Go now.

At the very least start making plans to go. See if he changes his mind then. Idiot.

SpeedRunParent · 28/12/2021 21:28

Is it possible that he is using your neurosis about the dog to highlight what he considers your generally unreasonable, self-regarding behaviour? Is it the hill he is prepared to die on because you 'dictate' how things go all the time?
Or, is he looking for a way out of the marriage and he is too cowardly to just admit your relationship isn't what he wants anymore?

JaceLancs · 28/12/2021 21:32

Whether it be a pet or a child the person who doesn’t want them will always win
The other person then needs to decide if it’s a deal breaker for them
It sounds like OPs DH has already decided what his deal breaker is in which case the marriage is already over
If I were OP I would be seeking legal advice first then checking if it really is his deal breaker

Calamitydrayne · 28/12/2021 22:47

Ironically if a husband refused point blank to compromise with his wife over something that she really wanted to have or to do which would make her happy, you'd all be calling him controlling and abusive and telling her to LTB because her happiness is more important. The double standards on here are glaring.

Momijin · 28/12/2021 22:56

Well, I've always loved dogs but also knew how tying they are, how expensive and how much looking after they need. Only get a dog if you are all dog lovers and if whoever decides to get the dog is happy to do most of the work. Mostly, in my experience, it falls to the wife/mother.

So in your situation, even if you did like dogs, do not get one. If he wants to divorce to get one then tell him to go ahead. Twat.

BonneMaman77 · 28/12/2021 23:21

In summary, your husband told you that despite knowing you are afraid of dogs he will get one and if you did not agree he will divorce you? If I were you, I would leave this man because is lacks compassion to have the most intimate relationship possible between two people and because he is a bully.

Tell him you are divorcing him - regardless of whether he gets a dog- say it decisively with a smile and move out on the same day.

No, actually, send him an email to let him know your decision.
This man does not deserve your time.

gofigureit · 28/12/2021 23:55

I haven't read the whole thread but there's no way having a dog isn't a massive disruption to the household - even if you love dogs - they are a pest (dog lover here - mine is snoring on my bed as I type this).

My dog is lovely but you couldn't even have a cup of tea in my house without liking dogs - she's very much part of the family and in your face! (She's not a puppy and still greets every visitor like they are her long lost best friend)

Your husband wanting a dog means he will want and expect you to feed and walk it etc. plus holidays and days out and work are all affected by getting a dog. It must be a joint decision and if he doesn't realise that then yes, you need to divorce him and find someone who is a grownup and who respects and loves you.

gofigureit · 28/12/2021 23:56

@Calamitydrayne

Ironically if a husband refused point blank to compromise with his wife over something that she really wanted to have or to do which would make her happy, you'd all be calling him controlling and abusive and telling her to LTB because her happiness is more important. The double standards on here are glaring.
Yeah women supporting women. Fucking horrible isn't it!?!
gofigureit · 29/12/2021 00:00

Now I have read the ops posts - he sounds like a ridiculous child. He just wants the adoration of a dog.
Well the dog is going to end up adoring you more if you are the one walking and feeding it, so his plan is going to backfire!

I'm going to guess he wouldn't be dealing with the dog shit / worms / fleas / trips to the vets to get anal glands cleared etc!

Blackbird2020 · 29/12/2021 01:13

What an immature man.

What next OP? New car? What’s that, wife? No?! Well then, divorce it is. Move somewhere you don’t want to live? No?! Divorce!

This man is not a good person. Get out before bringing children into his controlling world, unfortunately they won’t be able to walk away as easily as you.

Tomlettegregg · 29/12/2021 02:08

Call his bluff. I want a dog. Grew up with them. Love them. Know how much work it involves. Pushed really hard when our daughter was born as I knew I'd be home all the time to walk them plus husband and I were wfh full time and would be for the foreseeable. He said no. Was completely right. I very grateful now. We did compromise and get a cat. She's no bother at all and he loves her to bits despite never owning pets. Is that an option?

Queeen · 29/12/2021 02:18

Dump him first. Any man who would choose a dog over me gets shown the door.

Queeen · 29/12/2021 02:23

@FMSucks

I agree with *@Buildingthefuture* - I would never even date a man who was not a dog person, let alone marry one. It would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

Did the subject of dog ownership not come up when you were dating OP?

I am a huge dog person. I recently had to put my beloved boy to sleep and am completely broken over him. The joy a dog can bring to your life can not be overestimated.

Ha. I'm the opposite. And I make it clear from the start. The germs, filth, stench and stress a dog can bring to your life can not be overestimated. No way would I want a man with such low hygiene standards in my life.
Flaxmeadow · 29/12/2021 02:38

This is insane.
Fur baby fanatics telling OP that she must get therapy to get a dog. As if she has some kind of illness
It's bonkers the way dogs are being forced on ALL of us, even when we don't like them and don't want anything to do with them. Parks, beaches, pubs, shops, even cafes and restaurants where we eat food, yuck
Run a mile OP !!!

autieok · 29/12/2021 02:58

A dog becomes a massive part of family life - walking, feeding, training, playing. If you are not invested don't do it. It would be impossible to be in the house and not be invested. I also find his ultimatum really concerning was he testing you or did he mean it? If he pushes on this you may have to push back. Not sure how keen I'd be to be with someone who would chose a potential dog over me!

Buildingthefuture · 29/12/2021 03:10

@Queeen I recognised that from your previous post! I’ve had large multiples of dogs for years. I’m extremely healthy, never unwell, my house is immaculate and smells beautiful (admittedly that takes quite a bit of work!) It’s also full of love and loyalty…that’s what dogs bring!

Lemonlady22 · 29/12/2021 03:42

Mine got a dog....barely even looks at him now, never feeds him, never takes him out...its all me. Don't get one and get rid of the husband. It won't stop at a dog, he will be blackmailing you over something else your entire life if you give in to his demands.

katand2kits · 29/12/2021 07:11

A dog isn't something they can compromise on. You either have one or you don't. You can't get half a dog. The OP has set out her very reasonable justifications about why she does not want to have a dog. Most rational people would put their spouse above a pet they don't even own.

LifesABotch · 29/12/2021 07:23

@Pinkbonbon

I hate to say it but his attitude would be a deal breaker for me.

If one person wants a dog and the other doesn't, the not getting a dog triumphs. That's even without the fear of dogs considered. But if it just been that I would have suggested compromising and getting a cat or having him sign up as a dog walker or dog sitter or volunteering qt some kennels.

But... I mean how can he talk to his wife like that? That's not a partnership i'd want to remain in op. I don't think your suited. He loves a currently non existent, imaginary dog more than he does you.

Probably time to call it a day.

Yep, doesn't matter now whether he gets a dog or not, does it. You now know how much (very little) he values and respects you. What a dick. He doesn't deserve you, hope you don't stay with him Thanks
rookiemere · 29/12/2021 08:39

A potential half way house - if you want to save this relationship and I must admit it doesn't sound that great - is that he starts looking after the relatives dog when they go on holiday. It allows you the opportunity to try to get used to a dog being around and him how much responsibility goes into looking after one. I suspect after a week of walkies and the additional cleaning ( don't do any of it and believe me there is a lot extra) he may not be so keen for dog ownership.

lechatnoir · 29/12/2021 08:45

Throughout my childhood I nagged and nagged my parents for a dog but didn't get one and then met (& married DH) and when our dc were young just assumed we'd get one then but DH was totally against it and unfortunately for me still is. Yes I'm gutted and no I didn't think at nearly 50 I'd still be dogless but that's the way it is. I just can't imagine ever threatening to or actually leaving DH over an animal I've never met (albeit fantasised about countless times).
I have told DH that if he pops his clogs first or ever leaves me I'll be getting a dog before I do anything else!!!