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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is the behaviour called? Subtle undermining? It's not negging but similar.

101 replies

pastypirate · 27/12/2021 22:47

Trying to process dp behaviour. Relationship on its last legs.

Making a point of not commenting directly on my hair when I got it done. The dc pushed him and he said something purposely neutral. I was quite hurt as I was really pleased. I went back to blonde and imo my hairdresser did an amazing job. On its own not a big deal just trying to lay out some examples of a broader picture.

Making digs at things the dc and I like. This was constant in the last few months. An example is tv shows the dc and I have been enjoying together - dp was so mean about them we started just watching them when he wasn't there so it took ages with things like strictly. Another time I asked dp if he minded what we watched he said no. So I put on a diy show and he made digs until I switched it off and got a bit upset. This is always met with 'can't have an opinion???'

There was an event that one of the dc had been looking forward to for over 6 months. We went (just dc and me) and loved it. Dp asked me about it and I described a small part of it. He immediately critiqued it. I was again upset.

Another one I've thought of it's days out. Dp will agree to come when it's our choice but be subtly difficult and not really join in. When it's his choice it's a different story. To be fair the dc have had a good time on his choice days out.

He makes subtle digs about the music the dc and I like abs will try and undermine that but we ignore him but I know it's there.

More and more subtle and overt undermining all the bloody time. To the point where I'm actually a bit scared of him knowing about what I'm reading for example. He gets very frothy about feminist literature - no surprise there is there!! If I bring up and activism I've read about it's shot down immediately.

I find/found it very hard to challenge this as I'm v scared of there being an atmosphere in the house with the kids.

I'm ending this relationship but I need to understand this behaviour for my own sanity!

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 27/12/2021 22:50

I don't know if there's a name for it, but I do know it's fucking draining and YANBU to want out. He sounds like a very insecure man.

JanglyBeads · 27/12/2021 22:50

Try this from the Freedom Programme, especially The Headworker...

learningtosoarblog.wordpress.com/2016/02/08/breaking-free-from-mr-wrong/

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 22:51

[quote JanglyBeads]Try this from the Freedom Programme, especially The Headworker...

learningtosoarblog.wordpress.com/2016/02/08/breaking-free-from-mr-wrong/[/quote]
Thank you I will get the kettle on and have a read x

OP posts:
loopsaloo · 27/12/2021 22:52

Jealous, insecure, very little self esteem. Hard work.

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 22:53

@loopsaloo

Jealous, insecure, very little self esteem. Hard work.
You know I'd never thought of it as jealously before but the scales have fallen - I expect you are right
OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 27/12/2021 22:54

Or this

www.chsn.org.uk/media/files/Domestic%20Abuse%20traits.pdf

Undermining behaviour.

loopsaloo · 27/12/2021 22:54

I've been there. It will only get worse and harder for you and those around you.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 27/12/2021 22:54

He is the one causing the atmosphere not you op so l would crack on and not let him piss on your chips.
I would rather live with a bad atmosphere for a bit to teach him he can't manipulate you like that.
Sounds draining though living with such negative energy.

Holothane · 27/12/2021 22:55

I’m at the stage I don’t ask opinions now I watch what I want in the bedroom I did say to him Christmas Day “if you put Simpson’s on I will walk to the bedroom I’ll put up with it every other day but not Christmas Day.’

DukeofEarlGrey · 27/12/2021 22:55

Passive aggression at its finest.

GiveOverIrene · 27/12/2021 22:56

What is there to understand? He's a dementor and he enjoys sucking the fun out of your lives.

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 22:57

@DukeofEarlGrey

Passive aggression at its finest.
Oh god. It is isn't it.

It's got much worse over the last year.

OP posts:
GameofPhones · 27/12/2021 22:58

Sneering, poo-pooing, raining on your parade, wet blanket.

NewlyJingle2021 · 27/12/2021 23:01

A family member's ex sounds exactly like your DP. Not out and out negging but more insidious. He is a narcissist by every definition, on anti depressants, other undiagnosed MH issues I think, and also just generally a very negative person who dragged her down for years. He had to be on control, yet simultaneously couldn't be arsed spending his own time or money on planning activities. Didn't give an opinion on anything she decided/booked etc until he'd seen which was she had chosen, so that he could deliberately pick it apart. So every event (that he didn't think of) was wrong in some way. Any tv show (he didn't choose) was critiqued. It drained the lovely bubbly woman and she became almost as negative as that dickhead. Thankfully she saw the light and managed to break free. It's taken her over 2 years and regular therapy to begin healing from all the mental damage he did.

Please be careful. That level of negativity is exhausting and soul destroying.

loopsaloo · 27/12/2021 23:01

You'll find yourself waking on eggshells more and more as it goes on.
Absolutely draining and mentally exhausting as others have said.

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:01

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin

He is the one causing the atmosphere not you op so l would crack on and not let him piss on your chips. I would rather live with a bad atmosphere for a bit to teach him he can't manipulate you like that. Sounds draining though living with such negative energy.
I have tried this. It feels like a trap either way. If I ignore him sometimes he will ramp up the shitty comments or usually he will just be very quiet and create the atmosphere anyway.
OP posts:
loopsaloo · 27/12/2021 23:02

How long have you been together?

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:04

Interestingly within the throes of the break up I have challenged him on a completely different area of problematic behaviour. He is denying statements he made and essentially gaslighting like mad. But I identified that sharpish I know about GL

OP posts:
Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:05

@NewlyJingle2021

A family member's ex sounds exactly like your DP. Not out and out negging but more insidious. He is a narcissist by every definition, on anti depressants, other undiagnosed MH issues I think, and also just generally a very negative person who dragged her down for years. He had to be on control, yet simultaneously couldn't be arsed spending his own time or money on planning activities. Didn't give an opinion on anything she decided/booked etc until he'd seen which was she had chosen, so that he could deliberately pick it apart. So every event (that he didn't think of) was wrong in some way. Any tv show (he didn't choose) was critiqued. It drained the lovely bubbly woman and she became almost as negative as that dickhead. Thankfully she saw the light and managed to break free. It's taken her over 2 years and regular therapy to begin healing from all the mental damage he did.

Please be careful. That level of negativity is exhausting and soul destroying.

This is resonating with me
OP posts:
Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:07

@loopsaloo

How long have you been together?
Only a few years. Don't live together and the dc are mine.

As we don't live together it's been v easy to boot him out but of course he believes the relationship can be saved and is devoted to me and blah

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 27/12/2021 23:09

Sounds like a form of covert narcissism. It shows up as passive aggressiveness or superiority to cover up his own insecurities. I recognise it from my abusive ex.

I'd suggest a TV show to watch: "Bit lightweight, isn't it?"
I bought new sheets in a beautiful mustard colour. "They're certainly very bright." (He wanted to approve everything that was bought for the house so that it met his aesthetic standards)
I noted that my hair had started growing back after a period of unusual loss. "Well, your hair is thin naturally so I can't really tell the difference." (This from a bald man!)

He'd walk ahead of me and the kids when were were out. Wouldn't join in family dinner conversations but would get on his phone instead. "I'm not really into those sort of movies" (family movies). Couldn't be bothered with birthday parties or even present buying. ("I never know what you want, just buy something yourself from me.") Always gave the impression that he was above our petty interests and lowbrow tastes or would sometimes join in but make it clear through his lack of enthusiam that he considered it beneath him.

His problem was that the only thing he really enjoyed was feeling superior to other people, because secretly, most of the time he felt worse than everyone else.

bluebell34567 · 27/12/2021 23:10

does he want you to leave? is he trying to push you out?

RandomMess · 27/12/2021 23:10

Just block him on everything and fast!!

Enjoy the peace from the awful dickhead he is.

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:14

@CheekyHobson

Sounds like a form of covert narcissism. It shows up as passive aggressiveness or superiority to cover up his own insecurities. I recognise it from my abusive ex.

I'd suggest a TV show to watch: "Bit lightweight, isn't it?"
I bought new sheets in a beautiful mustard colour. "They're certainly very bright." (He wanted to approve everything that was bought for the house so that it met his aesthetic standards)
I noted that my hair had started growing back after a period of unusual loss. "Well, your hair is thin naturally so I can't really tell the difference." (This from a bald man!)

He'd walk ahead of me and the kids when were were out. Wouldn't join in family dinner conversations but would get on his phone instead. "I'm not really into those sort of movies" (family movies). Couldn't be bothered with birthday parties or even present buying. ("I never know what you want, just buy something yourself from me.") Always gave the impression that he was above our petty interests and lowbrow tastes or would sometimes join in but make it clear through his lack of enthusiam that he considered it beneath him.

His problem was that the only thing he really enjoyed was feeling superior to other people, because secretly, most of the time he felt worse than everyone else.

The example with the sheets stands out. If I had done that it's the exact comment dp would make. Followed by 'just saying' which is up there with 'I'm not ....ist but' isn't it. Dp didn't and couldn't control what I bought etc but he would just v subtly comment in a negative way.
OP posts:
Shedmistress · 27/12/2021 23:17

Don't waste your time challenging him. He is an antagonistic little shit stain in the arsecrack of humanity. Just dump him, block him and channel your inner Brian Cox the actor and tell him to fuck off.

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