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Original poster

What is the behaviour called? Subtle undermining? It's not negging but similar.

101 replies

pastypirate · 27/12/2021 22:47

Trying to process dp behaviour. Relationship on its last legs.

Making a point of not commenting directly on my hair when I got it done. The dc pushed him and he said something purposely neutral. I was quite hurt as I was really pleased. I went back to blonde and imo my hairdresser did an amazing job. On its own not a big deal just trying to lay out some examples of a broader picture.

Making digs at things the dc and I like. This was constant in the last few months. An example is tv shows the dc and I have been enjoying together - dp was so mean about them we started just watching them when he wasn't there so it took ages with things like strictly. Another time I asked dp if he minded what we watched he said no. So I put on a diy show and he made digs until I switched it off and got a bit upset. This is always met with 'can't have an opinion???'

There was an event that one of the dc had been looking forward to for over 6 months. We went (just dc and me) and loved it. Dp asked me about it and I described a small part of it. He immediately critiqued it. I was again upset.

Another one I've thought of it's days out. Dp will agree to come when it's our choice but be subtly difficult and not really join in. When it's his choice it's a different story. To be fair the dc have had a good time on his choice days out.

He makes subtle digs about the music the dc and I like abs will try and undermine that but we ignore him but I know it's there.

More and more subtle and overt undermining all the bloody time. To the point where I'm actually a bit scared of him knowing about what I'm reading for example. He gets very frothy about feminist literature - no surprise there is there!! If I bring up and activism I've read about it's shot down immediately.

I find/found it very hard to challenge this as I'm v scared of there being an atmosphere in the house with the kids.

I'm ending this relationship but I need to understand this behaviour for my own sanity!

OP posts:
Shedmistress · 27/12/2021 23:19
Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:26

I've thought of lots more examples. Ffs what was I doing....

In the next year ill be buying a bigger house and replacing the car. The house doesn't involve him for other complicated reasons (thank god) but you can imagine his behaviour. Though he never ever brought it up in conversation. Just super subtle undermining and never making small talk about the new house. Not once ever.

Trying to get me to take a job that pays less was an interesting one. We had no shared finances but I earn more than him. Completely different industries though no connection. He was really quite patronising about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:27

[quote Shedmistress][/quote]
Yep!!

OP posts:
Mmmmdanone · 27/12/2021 23:27

I totally understand the need to find a name for what he's doing. I've been the same with my stbxh, reading books to try and figure him out. Mainly because he thinks I'm ending it for no reason and I want to know what to call it. But at the end of the day whatever it us I just can't take it any more. You're so lucky not to be married to him.

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:28

@bluebell34567

does he want you to leave? is he trying to push you out?
God no he's desperate to patch things up. If we ever talked about issues he can get quite nasty so I stopped trying. I just stopped responding to him and told him I need time and space. I have had to block him on my phone though as he didn't accept that.
OP posts:
loopsaloo · 27/12/2021 23:29

I'd seriously consider getting out unless you think he can become aware of his behaviour and see how damaging it is, which is quite unlikely.
Of course he will try to convince you he will change and try to be a better partner, and he will modify his behaviour for a while until you feel it's ok.
Unfortunately people who behind like this are stuck this cycle and will find it very hard to understand and change. Not at all an excuse, but you have to put yourself and your dc first.

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:30

@Mmmmdanone

I totally understand the need to find a name for what he's doing. I've been the same with my stbxh, reading books to try and figure him out. Mainly because he thinks I'm ending it for no reason and I want to know what to call it. But at the end of the day whatever it us I just can't take it any more. You're so lucky not to be married to him.
Hug and understanding to you.

Dp 100% thinks I'm ending it for no reason. I have been clear I'm very unhappy and he is acting astonished. Yeh I just sit in fucking silence for fun.

OP posts:
flowersforbrains · 27/12/2021 23:30

How tiresome.

I wouldn't bother wasting time or energy trying to work it out.

I wouldn't be inviting him out, telling him what we were doing or watching. I wouldn't be sharing anything. Why would you?

CheekyHobson · 27/12/2021 23:32

Followed by 'just saying' which is up there with 'I'm not ....ist but' isn't it.

Yeah, it's plausible deniability. You know he's not "just saying" because of the tone and of your knowledge of his preferences and the context that the comment is made in and the fact that you know he's perfectly capable of showing enthusiasm if he wants to, but if you relayed the conversation to an outsider, it could read as innocuous or at worst unthinking.

loopsaloo · 27/12/2021 23:33

This ☝🏻

bluebell34567 · 27/12/2021 23:33

@pastypirate

I've thought of lots more examples. Ffs what was I doing....

In the next year ill be buying a bigger house and replacing the car. The house doesn't involve him for other complicated reasons (thank god) but you can imagine his behaviour. Though he never ever brought it up in conversation. Just super subtle undermining and never making small talk about the new house. Not once ever.

Trying to get me to take a job that pays less was an interesting one. We had no shared finances but I earn more than him. Completely different industries though no connection. He was really quite patronising about this.

i think he is jealous then.
Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:34

@loopsaloo

I'd seriously consider getting out unless you think he can become aware of his behaviour and see how damaging it is, which is quite unlikely. Of course he will try to convince you he will change and try to be a better partner, and he will modify his behaviour for a while until you feel it's ok. Unfortunately people who behind like this are stuck this cycle and will find it very hard to understand and change. Not at all an excuse, but you have to put yourself and your dc first.
You are right. Even if I had doubts, this and some other irritating behaviours have murdered the last shred of sexual attraction I had for him so I won't be u turning on my decision to end it!

One of my dc will be upset at the final outcome but it's for the best. I pointed out one fucking rude and selfish thing he does and they said how much they don't like it. Kids don't really have a voice about this kind of thing unless you give them one.

My dc arnt babies. I'm happily choosing to spend the rest of their childhoods having a lovely time together and not creeping around anyone. The Xmas hols have been just us and it's been great.

OP posts:
Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:36

@CheekyHobson

Followed by 'just saying' which is up there with 'I'm not ....ist but' isn't it.

Yeah, it's plausible deniability. You know he's not "just saying" because of the tone and of your knowledge of his preferences and the context that the comment is made in and the fact that you know he's perfectly capable of showing enthusiasm if he wants to, but if you relayed the conversation to an outsider, it could read as innocuous or at worst unthinking.

I've related conversations which have upset me to my mother and she's told me I'm just being horrible to him.

Mind you I told her one really innocuous sounding one this morning randomly and she replied 'Jesus what's his problem?'

OP posts:
Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:38

Just want to say thank you for all the input. It's really helping me not feel like I'm losing my mind.

OP posts:
Holothane · 27/12/2021 23:40

No OP your not going mad I’ve felt the same as you you talk on here as often as you need to hugs.

CheekyHobson · 27/12/2021 23:40

It's just all about having the upper hand. There's no win-win with these guys, they only see things as win-lose.

He criticises things you like because he doesn't want you to be happy if it's not because of him.
He puts you down because he doesn't want you feeling like you might be 'better' than him.
He wants you back because if someone's going to be dumped, it shouldn't be him.
He refuses to discuss issues because you might be right and he might be wrong.

HenryLaurens1776 · 27/12/2021 23:41

I just posted about my DH who I am at the end of my tether with because of v similar issues. It just wears you down, doesn't it? I guess it's not until now that I've felt able to leave it behind. But we have two DD together in their teens so things are pretty complicated and I am not able to just walk away right now.

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:45

@Holothane

No OP your not going mad I’ve felt the same as you you talk on here as often as you need to hugs.
I do really need to thank you x
OP posts:
loopsaloo · 27/12/2021 23:45

Hope you stay on this thread OP
People with these kind of traits are stuck and will drag those around them down.
It's never easy to leave a relationship, we all know that, but when your partner is in a place where their own value for themselves is so low, it's not worth your time or anyone else's to try to fix them.
Put yourself first and move on.
Relationships that end are never a waste of time. They're a lesson Thanks

CatDogAlpaca · 27/12/2021 23:46

Oh god this could be my exh you're talking about. I couldn't listen to my favourite bands for years because he made stupid comments, I couldn't see my friends because he behaved like an utter cock around them. He just made my life difficult if i didn't 'perform' how he wanted me to.

Graphista · 27/12/2021 23:46

Bullying and verbal/emotional abuse

My dad was like this

Very misleading op given he is not father to the dc and you don't even live together.

Absolutely no reason to have anything more to do with him in any way.

Ensure all his things are returned to him from yours

Keep him dumped and block on all formats (why are you saying exitING the relationship? That sounds like you're waivering? It's a no brainer he's nasty and abusive to you and your dc)

You don't actually owe him an explanation but in your shoes I'd be bluntly telling him exactly why!

"You're a joy sucking passive aggressive annoying pain in the arse!"

Unless personal safety is potentially an issue of course

Original poster
pastypirate · 27/12/2021 23:47

@CheekyHobson

It's just all about having the upper hand. There's no win-win with these guys, they only see things as win-lose.

He criticises things you like because he doesn't want you to be happy if it's not because of him.
He puts you down because he doesn't want you feeling like you might be 'better' than him.
He wants you back because if someone's going to be dumped, it shouldn't be him.
He refuses to discuss issues because you might be right and he might be wrong.

Yes to all that. He's also very shy (didn't bother me but I find it exhausting now. I'm not an extrovert but I'm not a hermit either). Back along I would have said he's the least arrogant person ever but that's not true it's just subtle arrogance as opposed to overt.
OP posts:
excelledyourself · 27/12/2021 23:47

I'm so pleased to see the kids aren't his.

Get shot of him ASAP.

You have no ties to him, so why are you still in the process of "ending" the relationship?

DaisyNGO · 27/12/2021 23:49

OP "I'm ending this relationship but I need to understand this behaviour for my own sanity!"

He's nasty shit. There's nothing else to know. Don't waste another thought on him.

Original poster
pastypirate · 28/12/2021 00:11

@DaisyNGO

OP "I'm ending this relationship but I need to understand this behaviour for my own sanity!"

He's nasty shit. There's nothing else to know. Don't waste another thought on him.

You are right. I thought I would miss him and want to try and sort things out. I don't miss him he's a bloody millstone around my neck.
OP posts: