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Original poster

Family Christmas secret- what would you do?

136 replies

Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 18:12

Confusing story so if you can get through it, well done :)

My uncle (let's call him uncle A), left my aunt of thirty years for another woman about 18 months ago. He was seeing her in secret for ages but everyone knew (including my aunt) yet he kept denying it. He left her and their two children (teenage and young adult) and moved into a flat in the same town. He still goes round to the family house to see his children sometimes but it's always frosty.
His new woman, who is also married with young adult children, moved into a flat near to him and that was that.
For Christmas he started getting upset that my aunt and his children were going away to see her sister and that he would be left 'alone' on Christmas day, as his girlfriend was going to spend it with her husband and son.
The uncle is my blood uncle but I'm very close to my aunt. İ used to be close to my uncle but since he started his new life he stopped making any effort with any of us.
Anyway, for Christmas my other uncle (his brother) invited me and my DD over for Christmas dinner along with my dad. İ said shall we invite uncle A, because he's going to be on his own? After Uncle A was invited he then suggested that we all go and spend Christmas in my aunt's house instead (which he refers to as The Big House) as it would be bigger and nicer. Me and my other uncle said to one another that we wouldn't want to go to my aunt's house for Christmas as it would be weird using her house for Christmas without her there and she definitely wouldn't like it, so we said no. İ also said that I could just imagine uncle A's new woman coming round for a drink.

Fast forward and my aunt was telling me about my uncle giving her abuse again for not staying around for Christmas and I warned her about his idea for her house. She was furious and then told me later he had poo-poo'd the idea of spending Christmas with his brothers and İ. Anyway, in the end İ decided to stay home with a friend as I'd just moved house and didn't want to travel, but told my dad and uncle they were welcome to come to mine with uncle A, but they all did their own thing.

Spoke to my uncle today about meeting up and he said he got a text from uncle A this morning saying he'd had a great Christmas and he had spent it with his girlfriend at 'The Big House', basically he had Christmas with his new woman, who was an affair partner to begin with, at my aunt's house behind her back.
Now my other uncle is saying he wishes he didn't know about it as he feels like a horrible secret keeper. İ said İ was going to tell my aunt, because it's out of order, but he said please don't, as it will cause a big row and he will be seen as a secret keeper for not telling her. He said he only told me because İ had predicted it happening and he couldn't believe İ was right! He's now stuck between betraying the trust of his brother, or betraying the trust his sister in law who he has known most of his life. İf i keep it secret, İ'm betraying her trust, but if İ tell her, I'm betraying the trust of my other uncle who was told the secret. I'm not bothered about betraying the trust of Uncle A, as he's basically written me off for making effort with me these days.
What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:
Wineandroses3 · 26/12/2021 21:22

Surely when she gets home she will realize someone has been in her house and she doesn’t need to be a genius to work out who it will have been. If she then finds out you knew and never told her she may be upset with you.

Cactuslove · 26/12/2021 21:25

You can own a house together but have something written up to reduce his access to it. I think it's a declaration of trust. If they have something like that in place ots even worse!

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 21:26

@Cactuslove

You can own a house together but have something written up to reduce his access to it. I think it's a declaration of trust. If they have something like that in place ots even worse!
Thanks for that @Cactuslove , however this comes out, I'll pass it onto her.
OP posts:
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 26/12/2021 21:30

Do the neighbours know she was away? Could you tell her and she could say a neighbour heard people in the house and told her that and later saw her Ex on the path.

PicaK · 26/12/2021 21:36

Technically he hasn't done anything wrong. He part owns it, he is entitled to access etc.
Morally that's pretty horrendous and a real crossing of boundaries. She deserves to know - if only to persuade her she needs to sort out the finance side of things ASAP.

frozendaisy · 26/12/2021 21:40

Secrets destroy families, tell auntie tell her to change the locks.

You are not the betrayer.

This is fucking weird.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/12/2021 21:46

@frozendaisy

Secrets destroy families, tell auntie tell her to change the locks.

You are not the betrayer.

This is fucking weird.

She can't change the locks if he legally owns the house. If it is a marital asset and they are still married then technically there is not much she can do.
Talkingmouse · 26/12/2021 21:48

Tell your Aunt to change the fucking locks asap

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/12/2021 21:52

@Talkingmouse

Tell your Aunt to change the fucking locks asap
She can't legally change the locks if he co-owns the house and they are still married. He has an equal right of occupation. If she does change the locks then he can potentially get a locksmith in to change them again provided he gives her a key.
Waftypants · 26/12/2021 21:56

Don't keep this a secret. It's uncle a who is in the wrong.

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 21:56

They were never married, just committed.

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 26/12/2021 21:57

His behaviour could become harassment if he's intending on doing this on a regular basis i.e. coming round when she's out.

huuskymam · 26/12/2021 21:57

I'd tell her so she can change the locks.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/12/2021 22:02

@Peppapigforlife

They were never married, just committed.
Did he purchase the house with her? Does he own a share of it?
Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 22:06

They bought it together. They've been together since they were teens and both are professionalls. They set up a business together which he runs now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 22:06

Professionals.

OP posts:
slashlover · 26/12/2021 22:08

@ToffeeNotCoffee

His behaviour could become harassment if he's intending on doing this on a regular basis i.e. coming round when she's out.
He part owns the house, he's entitled to move back in if he wants.
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 26/12/2021 22:10

Your uncle is a vile man! Inviting a woman over to his ex wife's house without her is horrendous, but for it to be the other woman too - that's just beyond words. Your poor aunt. Her home so her safe place, he's despicable for doing what he did, it's your aunts home! She lives there by agreement - just because he has his name on the mortgage doesn't make it right.

I'd tell her. The thought makes my skin crawl, I can only imagine how she's going to feel

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/12/2021 22:48

She needs some proper legal advice on the house. If they co-own it then she either needs to buy him out (or vice versa) or the house is sold. Otherwise he does have a right to enter the property and this could happen again. He could decide to move back in tomorrow and there may be nothing she can do.

Perhaps you can have a word with her about sorting things out if he is definitely gone for good.

timeisnotaline · 26/12/2021 22:56

I would tell her, she needs to know she has to change the locks. You can be a part owner of a house with your ex and not be allowed to just go in whenever you want. I’d certainly be done with uncle A(the cheating entitled sneaky one if I have the right letter). Let the others kick off, tell them if they had any morals they’d have done it themselves so don’t take out their cowardice and excuses for their shitty brother on you.

CaptSkippy · 27/12/2021 11:12

Tell your uncle that you'll tell her if he won't. That way if he double crosses you and tells your aunt anyway, but pretends you wanted to keep it a secret, he can't screw you over.

To be honest. I think it's best to contact your aunt as soon as possible and tell her about this, eventhough it's right between Christmas and New Year. The longer this drags out the more drama there will be.

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 27/12/2021 14:54

I've told her. She's upset but she's not gonna say anything because she knows he wants the reaction.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 27/12/2021 15:31

Advise her to get a ring doorbell.

SunshineCake1 · 27/12/2021 15:49

All so ridiculous to pander to this man.

She doesn't have to give him a reaction. She can tell him he's out of order while keeping her dignity.

TiddlesTheTiger · 27/12/2021 16:44

At least your aunt now knows and it's no longer anything to do with you.
It's up to her what she does about it.