Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family Christmas secret- what would you do?

136 replies

Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 18:12

Confusing story so if you can get through it, well done :)

My uncle (let's call him uncle A), left my aunt of thirty years for another woman about 18 months ago. He was seeing her in secret for ages but everyone knew (including my aunt) yet he kept denying it. He left her and their two children (teenage and young adult) and moved into a flat in the same town. He still goes round to the family house to see his children sometimes but it's always frosty.
His new woman, who is also married with young adult children, moved into a flat near to him and that was that.
For Christmas he started getting upset that my aunt and his children were going away to see her sister and that he would be left 'alone' on Christmas day, as his girlfriend was going to spend it with her husband and son.
The uncle is my blood uncle but I'm very close to my aunt. İ used to be close to my uncle but since he started his new life he stopped making any effort with any of us.
Anyway, for Christmas my other uncle (his brother) invited me and my DD over for Christmas dinner along with my dad. İ said shall we invite uncle A, because he's going to be on his own? After Uncle A was invited he then suggested that we all go and spend Christmas in my aunt's house instead (which he refers to as The Big House) as it would be bigger and nicer. Me and my other uncle said to one another that we wouldn't want to go to my aunt's house for Christmas as it would be weird using her house for Christmas without her there and she definitely wouldn't like it, so we said no. İ also said that I could just imagine uncle A's new woman coming round for a drink.

Fast forward and my aunt was telling me about my uncle giving her abuse again for not staying around for Christmas and I warned her about his idea for her house. She was furious and then told me later he had poo-poo'd the idea of spending Christmas with his brothers and İ. Anyway, in the end İ decided to stay home with a friend as I'd just moved house and didn't want to travel, but told my dad and uncle they were welcome to come to mine with uncle A, but they all did their own thing.

Spoke to my uncle today about meeting up and he said he got a text from uncle A this morning saying he'd had a great Christmas and he had spent it with his girlfriend at 'The Big House', basically he had Christmas with his new woman, who was an affair partner to begin with, at my aunt's house behind her back.
Now my other uncle is saying he wishes he didn't know about it as he feels like a horrible secret keeper. İ said İ was going to tell my aunt, because it's out of order, but he said please don't, as it will cause a big row and he will be seen as a secret keeper for not telling her. He said he only told me because İ had predicted it happening and he couldn't believe İ was right! He's now stuck between betraying the trust of his brother, or betraying the trust his sister in law who he has known most of his life. İf i keep it secret, İ'm betraying her trust, but if İ tell her, I'm betraying the trust of my other uncle who was told the secret. I'm not bothered about betraying the trust of Uncle A, as he's basically written me off for making effort with me these days.
What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:
RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 26/12/2021 20:15

I'd know if someone had been in my house while I was away. Surely she will too anyway?

Does she have a ring doorbell etc?

AlternativePerspective · 26/12/2021 20:16

Stay out of it. You warned her and she chose to do nothing.

I suspect that they’re not as separated as they would have you all believe, He’s apparently been sleeping with this woman for years and has only just left for her? I think it’s more likely she’s agreed to an open relationship and therefore he comes and goes to the house as he pleases.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/12/2021 20:19

Tell her, she will find out. Another woman in her house with her ex, the neighbours will be around like a shot. I'd bet on the ex leaving something behind too. Accidentally or on purpose depending on what she's like.

Swingsandroundabouts123 · 26/12/2021 20:22

Can you say to her something like; ‘how was your Xmas? Do you know what Uncle A ended up doing on Christmas Day? Sounds like he didn’t see dad after all…’

And let her draw her own conclusions

diddl · 26/12/2021 20:27

You told your Aunt what he said so I doubt that she would be surprised.

She's a fool for not changing the locks but if she's happy for him to have a key & access whenever he wants that's her lookout.

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 20:28

@AlternativePerspective

Stay out of it. You warned her and she chose to do nothing.

I suspect that they’re not as separated as they would have you all believe, He’s apparently been sleeping with this woman for years and has only just left for her? I think it’s more likely she’s agreed to an open relationship and therefore he comes and goes to the house as he pleases.

He left 18 months ago. He started seeing her about a year before that. They're definitely not in an open relationship, my aunt cant stand him and she was under the impression that she had taken all the keys from him.
OP posts:
BulldogDrummondBass · 26/12/2021 20:29

I would tell her. She needs to take away his key, or change the locks.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 26/12/2021 20:31

Is it possible he’s just bullshitting and he didn’t spend Xmas there. Especially if she thinks he no longer has keys

ToffeeNotCoffee · 26/12/2021 20:33

She will know. Uncle A will not care either. He would have had to have put everything back as he found it, to an almost forensic degree for her not to notice. Which he won't do because he doesn't see why he should have to. Not now. Not anymore.

Even if he did, which I doubt, she would just sense that someone had been in the house. Did uncle A supply his own food and booze ? Nope. So, he's been helping himself to her food and booze.

Did uncle A bother to put things away like his STBEW likes ? God no.

I also guarantee uncle A will end up blabbing at some point. Because he's just so fucking smug. Or showing off in a 'ha ha, what can you do about it ?' way. OW was complicit as well ? They are welcome to each other.

It's beyond cheeky fuckery. It's just low down and dirty. As in, I can come into my old house with whomever I please (as long as you're not there.) The Scottish word is, 'empty.' This means parents are away....it's party time. I'm not saying he had a party but you get what I mean.

Of COURSE they fucked in their old marital bed.

He probably left a turd in the toilet pan as well, just for good measure.

The whole house will be untidy. Just because the pair of them were on a jape. The more they drank, the more they egged each other on.

Your shitty uncle A will think it hilarious that she's coming home to a house that he's messed up. Did he make the bed afterwards ? Nope.

His attitude is, 'deal with that' smirk smirk.

PatriotCanes · 26/12/2021 20:35

If he's the type of man to do this then he's definitely not the type of man to clear up afterwards so your aunt is bound to realise.

Hotyogahotchoc · 26/12/2021 20:37

You need to tell her so she can ensure he doesn't take the piss like this again.

SunshineCake1 · 26/12/2021 20:42

It really doesn't need condensing. It is perfectly clear what has happened.

I would tell her. On the basis that she is the completely wronged person here. Bloody hell her ex has used her house to entertain his bit in the side. Talk about disrespect on top of disrespect.

For me it is a no brainier. He uncle who will sulk as if you betrayed him will get over it. His feelings are only a bit hurt. He's got rid of it eating away at him on to you. Stuff him. She comes first. Absolutely.

Cactuslove · 26/12/2021 20:47

I live in the family home with kids after kicking my ex out who cheated. The thought of him letting himself in and using the house with the person he cheated with makes my blood boil!! I'd want to be told.... but you're right it will land both uncles in trouble as I'd be annoyed by the people who didn't tell me.

rwalker · 26/12/2021 20:49

CBA getting involved so basically he used his house to entertain his new partner when your aunt wasn't there.

From what you say he still owns part of the house no court order or anything like that keeping him away so he's technically done nothing wrong.

Newbabynewhouse · 26/12/2021 20:49

I have followed the post and get it.... thats a hard decision to make... tou dont want to look like you've kept it secret if its ever found out...but it probably wont be found out..and even if it is, its not really your responsibility to say something so personally id probably leave it and forget it ..

BoredZelda · 26/12/2021 20:55

I’d tell her. It’s not your fault the men in her life are arseholes. Their relationship is their business. But she needs to stop these men thinking they can have access to her home when she isn’t there. Both uncles are as arsehole as each other.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 26/12/2021 20:56

Say nothing.

It will be obvious what has happened when she gets home. He's pretty much violated her home. Maybe this will hasten the divorce.

She could call the police and report a burglary. Lets hope it's only a bit of food and booze that's missing.........

Would he have bothered to lock up properly when he left the house ? Bothered to switch the lights off ? Switch the heating back to the way she left it ? Switch the hob and oven off ?

Onthedunes · 26/12/2021 20:57

He's a cheeky bastard.

Not only has he betrayed and abandonned his family, he has the audacity to brag and bring his girlfriend to the big house.

You have to choose, if you let your Aunt know then it will probably come back to you.
Personally I would be more keen on protecting my cousins, maybe they as a couple have got their eye on the 'big house'

It's very cruel of your Uncle A to bring this woman, where they may have been in her bed, the girlfriend must be as bad as him going there, no shame.

I would tell, so she can act accordingly.
The uncle is an intruder.

Newbabynewhouse · 26/12/2021 20:57

Just read the other posts... didnt realise she thought he didnt have a key... hmm in that case I'd tell her

Cactuslove · 26/12/2021 20:58

@rwalker just because something is legally/technically 'ok' doesn't meant that morally and ethically it's not an absolute fucking piss take! If I was the aunt I would write him off and anyone who knew and didn't tell me.

Blossomtoes · 26/12/2021 21:04

İ think he had it there to show off to his new girlfriend about his big house that he owns, rather than his small flat

And there we have it - he owns the house. Ethically and morally, he was completely in the wrong but it’s his house.

peachesarenom · 26/12/2021 21:06

I would tell her and be prepared to support her through the fall out

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 21:07

@Blossomtoes

İ think he had it there to show off to his new girlfriend about his big house that he owns, rather than his small flat

And there we have it - he owns the house. Ethically and morally, he was completely in the wrong but it’s his house.

Him and my aunt own it together.
OP posts:
slothbyday · 26/12/2021 21:12

I'd buy her a ring doorbell and suggest she use it to keep an eye on whether on he goes over more regularly!

I'd also keep out of this and not tell her, you will only get dragged in.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/12/2021 21:16

If they own the house together she can't stop him entering.

Swipe left for the next trending thread