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Original poster

Family Christmas secret- what would you do?

136 replies

Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 18:12

Confusing story so if you can get through it, well done :)

My uncle (let's call him uncle A), left my aunt of thirty years for another woman about 18 months ago. He was seeing her in secret for ages but everyone knew (including my aunt) yet he kept denying it. He left her and their two children (teenage and young adult) and moved into a flat in the same town. He still goes round to the family house to see his children sometimes but it's always frosty.
His new woman, who is also married with young adult children, moved into a flat near to him and that was that.
For Christmas he started getting upset that my aunt and his children were going away to see her sister and that he would be left 'alone' on Christmas day, as his girlfriend was going to spend it with her husband and son.
The uncle is my blood uncle but I'm very close to my aunt. İ used to be close to my uncle but since he started his new life he stopped making any effort with any of us.
Anyway, for Christmas my other uncle (his brother) invited me and my DD over for Christmas dinner along with my dad. İ said shall we invite uncle A, because he's going to be on his own? After Uncle A was invited he then suggested that we all go and spend Christmas in my aunt's house instead (which he refers to as The Big House) as it would be bigger and nicer. Me and my other uncle said to one another that we wouldn't want to go to my aunt's house for Christmas as it would be weird using her house for Christmas without her there and she definitely wouldn't like it, so we said no. İ also said that I could just imagine uncle A's new woman coming round for a drink.

Fast forward and my aunt was telling me about my uncle giving her abuse again for not staying around for Christmas and I warned her about his idea for her house. She was furious and then told me later he had poo-poo'd the idea of spending Christmas with his brothers and İ. Anyway, in the end İ decided to stay home with a friend as I'd just moved house and didn't want to travel, but told my dad and uncle they were welcome to come to mine with uncle A, but they all did their own thing.

Spoke to my uncle today about meeting up and he said he got a text from uncle A this morning saying he'd had a great Christmas and he had spent it with his girlfriend at 'The Big House', basically he had Christmas with his new woman, who was an affair partner to begin with, at my aunt's house behind her back.
Now my other uncle is saying he wishes he didn't know about it as he feels like a horrible secret keeper. İ said İ was going to tell my aunt, because it's out of order, but he said please don't, as it will cause a big row and he will be seen as a secret keeper for not telling her. He said he only told me because İ had predicted it happening and he couldn't believe İ was right! He's now stuck between betraying the trust of his brother, or betraying the trust his sister in law who he has known most of his life. İf i keep it secret, İ'm betraying her trust, but if İ tell her, I'm betraying the trust of my other uncle who was told the secret. I'm not bothered about betraying the trust of Uncle A, as he's basically written me off for making effort with me these days.
What would you do if you were me?

OP posts:
viques · 26/12/2021 19:27

Tell your aunt.She needs to change the locks and stop him coming in to her home. If their father wants to see them the “children” have to go to his home. They are old enough to understand this.

Kshhuxnxk · 26/12/2021 19:28

Difficult as it's still his house but yes, I would tell her.

astockingforme · 26/12/2021 19:30

Maybe she will read this thread and then it's done for you.🤞

HaveringWavering · 26/12/2021 19:34

Any idea why the OW did not spend Christmas with her husband and son as planned? (Though that did sound like quite an odd idea, in the circumstances).

Your aunt will work it out, there’s no way he can have left no trace. She knows that none of you were in the Big House with him because you specifically discussed that suggestion and knew she was horrified by it. She’ll put two and two together. Just let things run their course.

SarahDippity · 26/12/2021 19:38

Horrific that he let himself into the house and brought a guest unbeknownst to her. Even worse that it was the OW. I’d tell the aunt, even if it was a ‘please don’t ask me how I know this’ way. Their children are your first cousins, right? How would they react if they knew?

DPotter · 26/12/2021 19:39

I totally agree your aunt needs to be told.

Do you know if he's still there ? Could you phone the landline and if he answers you'll have your proof, so you can tell your aunt.

Really - just tell her

Genevie82 · 26/12/2021 19:40

OP, you should tell your aunt as it’s really disrespectful and you risk losing the trust of your aunt if it ever gets out further down the line … deal with it by confiding to her that you’ve put your neck out to tell her as you think uncle A is despicable but that it will mean repercussions for you if she says her “source”. Your aunt can confront him , change the locks and just make up some BS about a friend of hers seeing him go in or finding an item of suspicion! He sounds like a right creep god knows what else he gets up to x

ItsSnowJokes · 26/12/2021 19:40

Your aunt needs to change the locks. He has no need to have keys to her house, he can knock on the door when he goes to see his nearly adult children! Your aunt is a mug for not doing this sooner.

starfishofbethlehem · 26/12/2021 19:41

You warned your Aunt about what he planned to do.
She then had the opportunity to make sure he couldn't by securing the house and changing the locks. She didn't bother so it's her own fault.

I'd stay out of doing anything else.

NumberTheory · 26/12/2021 19:43

If I was as close to her. As you seem to be, I would tell her. Your uncle A tried to get you to be complicit in his plans and when that didn’t work out did it anyway and told his brother so that he felt complicit. Then the brother tells you so you feel drawn in to your uncle A’s tawdry peacocking. He’s a nasty piece of work to you all, not just your aunt and the only way not to become drawn in is to refuse to be made an unwilling party to the secret.

Tell your aunt. Tell the brother than uncle A is using him and he ought to shrug off the obligation to keep those sorts of things secret. They aren’t worth of loyalty..

Dasher789 · 26/12/2021 19:46

@whereyouleftit option b. What a cf

Policyschmolicy · 26/12/2021 19:47

Tell her. It’s the thin end of the wedge. They’ll be over any time she goes on holiday or is not around. And when it comes out you will have known all this time.

He doesn’t get to put people in this position. And she should know.

catzrulz · 26/12/2021 19:49

@Peppapigforlife

İ can't say a friend saw as İ don't have any friends in that area.

The husband knows as she has moved out into a flat closer to my uncle. She was originally an affair partner but now my aunt and uncle have seperated and he has become open about his relationship. My aunt HATES her. She might go round there for a fight if she finds out this woman has sat on her sofas.

I'd think sitting on the sofa is the least of your Aunts worries, where did they sleep?
GreenClock · 26/12/2021 19:51

A couple of people have said that you warned her but she did nothing and that it’s best to stay out of it now. I tend to agree.

Changing the locks shouldn’t happen without legal advice.

Dacquoise · 26/12/2021 19:54

This is the sort of complete lack of integrity and morals that pervades my family of origin and I completely get the dilemma it puts you in. Family member wipes his feet on long standing spouse with new shiny partner and expects other family members to keep quiet about it because they're 'family'. Sod that. Tell them the truth, honestly and without embellishment. It's up to the betrayer to deal with the consequences.

Outlyingtrout · 26/12/2021 19:55

This is a horrible situation to be in. I think I’d tell Uncle B that unfortunately he has put you in the same awkward dilemma he found himself in and that whilst you understand he feels that his course of action is right, you feel differently and that he really shouldn’t have told you if he hadn’t considered the possibility that you might feel obliged to tell your aunt. Unfortunately him making the choice to tell you doesn’t give him the right to demand you follow his lead. You are your own person with your own feelings about what is right.

I think I’d have to tell my aunt in your shoes. It sounds like you are close and I couldn’t be complicit in this outrageous disrespect that her husband has shown her. I wouldn’t complicate things unnecessarily by asking anyone else to keep secrets or pretend they found out some other way. I’d tell Uncle B that I was going to tell my aunt, then I’d just tell her. It may well be that there’s some fallout but anybody who lost their temper with me would be quickly put in their place. You were told something that you didn’t need to be told and you did what you felt was the right thing. That’s it. End of. Repeat until it sinks in.

This is such a violation of your aunt’s privacy by your uncle and such an unbelievable level of disrespect that he is showing both to her and to his children. I would not protect such a man.

AuntMargo · 26/12/2021 19:55

Tell her !!

janj2301 · 26/12/2021 19:55

probably already been said but didn't aunite change the locks especially after you'd warned her?

Original poster
Peppapigforlife · 26/12/2021 19:57

I don't think they slept there as he said they spent the 'day' there. At least I hope they didn't.

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 26/12/2021 19:59

Just to add my DM was cheating with husband to be number three. She manipulated my aunt by marriage against her husband number two knowing that her brother was also cheating on my aunt. It was a complete shit show of betrayal all around. Disordered thinking people don't care about the hurt they cause. They manipulate and lie for their own purposes. Other people are irrelevant and collateral damage in their scheming.

Brainwave89 · 26/12/2021 20:01

Tell her. Then help her look for a good solicitor and a locksmith, so the little shit cannot come back again. He clearly wants the new woman without facing up to the fact that he is married with kids.

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2021 20:01

Eurgghhh what a cheeky fucker taking his bit on the side there! Classy.
I'd tell her. She's got a right to know so that she can get the keys off him!

hivemindneeded · 26/12/2021 20:02

I would tell her. You are betraying no one's trust. It is up to them how they handle what they know and who they tell. But she deserves to know, so she can change the locks for next year.

caramac04 · 26/12/2021 20:04

I’d tell her and also tell your uncle you are going to do so.
Uncle A is an absolute cock with unbelievable entitlement.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/12/2021 20:12

If they are still married and he owns a share of the house then she can't change the locks. It is his house. He would be entitled to call the police if she did as he has a legal right to be in there.

What he did was morally shitty but he can reasonably argue that he spent Christmas in his own house.

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