Christmas gift from husband. How would you feel?

[intimeforchristmas]

My husband gave me a gift that made me feel sad. One was a dry shampooo spray ( I have asked him to buy it in the supermarket a day before as he was shopping but not as a gift but regular purchase) and the other DOVE set with antipersporant. When I questioned such gift he said that I am ungrateful and next year I will get nothing. He also said that he bought it for me because I go to the gym and I will probably need it. I do not know what to think about it.

Good luck dropping the dead weight @scoobydoo1971

Hope you don't have to sit through all Christmas day with him first!

@FabulousMrFifty WTF are you on about? It's EXACTLY because of the high expectations of women (I'm actually shocked at some of these responses) that it's my job as a mother to prepare my son for the future expectations he'll come up against. If I think he's not paying enough attention to giving me thought-through gifts then don't you think his future wife would thank me for 'coaching' him to what may be expected?

Get over yourself!

Men can be so stupid. He could have bought you a fine solid gold chain with a tiny heart on it, or a lovely bright solid silver necklace with a star pendant, and you would have felt happy.

I work with men. Most of them don't have a clue and ask me what to buy -I say "why can't you choose?" Most of them can't, and it isn't usually about lack of money either.

@FabulousMrFifty and we wonder why so many women struggle in relationships when there's a 'let them find their own way' attitude to raising boys.

You're clinging on to the word 'coaching' and determined to take offense. You do you... and I'll continue to 'coach' my son to try to understand how to be an empathetic and supportive husband.

What a shit present. I’d be upset and fuming and would let him know

@FabulousMrFifty

Telling a stranger to 'get fucked' over a mumsnet thread isn't really in the Christmas spirit, mate. Chill out.

I think you need to talk about expectations. Agree before if you are doing gifts, and if you are, explain I'd like something nice such as.....xyz, not toiletries.

You also need to tell him you are upset. Not in an accusatory "you hurt me" as he'll refute it. Say "I feel upset, because.....I don't feel these are thoughtful gifts and it seems you didn't think of me". See how he reacts. If he doesn't hear you, then he's a complete shit who literally doesn't care. I'd be wounded too by such items. I cannot even call them gifts!

Just came on here and had to laugh .My ex once showed me a cheap bottle of perfume ,think teenage type crap,he'd got off Amazon for a secret santa.Imagine my joy when I opened up the same one as my present! Think it must have been 2 for the price of 1 Another year I got something very special,actual fake Pandora charms for my bracelet.Complete with Chinese plastic wrapping.I mean the whole joy of Pandora is the box and bag to open.Too fucking mean to spend £20 ,yet would spend hundreds on clothes for himself.@FabulousMrFifty hope you're ok and having as good a day as us singletons can.Merry Christmas all

I'm struggling to understand if he is being plain nasty or has difficulty seeing something from someone else's view point.
Does he not care about you enough to buy you a thoughtful gift. That you are just there and don't deserve any gifts.
When he receives his gift from you is he not embarrassed by his lack of or how bad his gift is?
Does he not understand how other people feel ? Can he not see how they would feel? This would be in general with everyone.
Saying you should be grateful for any gift minising , saying you should tell him what to but, deflecting, getting cross. Are all shame.
However I just feel its nasty and he really can't be bothered.
That's sad.

It sounds like he couldn't be arsed, because he can't be arsed with you.

My EXDP started doing similar about 2 years in to our 7 years relationship. The first year birthday and Christmas he got me wonderful (not expensive, thoughtful) gifts, then the next year when we'd moved in together and were engaged he got me an M&S fluffy reduced price bathrobe bought hurriedly on Christmas Eve. There were a couple of years where I didn't get anything, or it was a Boots 3 for 2, before I finally left him after 7 and a half years.

It sounds like he has checked out of putting any effort into you OP.

I also stopped buying presents for his side of the family on his behalf, which forced him to have to buy for at least the DC, including his DS who was my DSS. Strangely this withdrawal made my DP even more angry towards me, and gave me more reason to leave.

I hope your talk goes well @scoobydoo1971, he sounds awful.

It was a shit effort on his part. If it was a one off then I would still be slightly pissed off, but if it is actually part of a pattern of useless behaviour then I would have a serious issue with him.

I also bought my own Xmas gift, as I do most years. It pisses me off that I have to, but he always gets me little surprise things from the kids to accompany it etc.

My dad once bought my mum an iron for Xmas. It was not a great day all round.

You mentioned having a toddler.
Was he like this before you had a child?
Does he take you out?
Does his fair share around the house?
What does he actually do to make you feel loved?

I must be in a minority because I just don't get why such emphasis is placed on whether a person cares enough by whether they buy a gift or a decent gift. The one thing noone can buy is time, so I value my friends and partners making time, whether its meeting up/ doing things together, going away and even calling to chat. Means so much more than whether someone bought me something I told them I want - not much of a surprise.

I also think if you want to gift someone you do because you want to and never expect it to be automatically reciprocrical hence why its called a gift.

You say he is great in so many other ways seems like its just xmas, if thats true then so what. Noone is perfect.

So there was the conversation, but it didn't go very well. I guess I was too emotional and started to cry, and he started to say that I choose to feel this way about a stupid gift. He said that the DOVE set included more shampoo and cream, not just an antiperspirant. He said that he works hard and earns money for the family and he did not have time / forgot about a Christmas gift. I said he had a week off before Christmas, but he said he had to work to earn money.

Answering the question, he wasn't like that before DD. We had been trying for her for years. Before, he would always take me on dates and buy thoughtful gifts. I remember that when we were students and for his last money he bought white tulips because he knew that they were my favorite flowers.

Since my DD was born, we went on handful dates but he orders Delivero from restaurants we both like and have the movie nights at least once a week.

With presents I think you just need to be specific, if you aren’t married to a gift giver.

It feels like your issue is bigger though.. are you happy with this guy?

So there was the conversation, but it didn't go very well. I guess I was too emotional and started to cry

PLEASE don't dismiss yourself as too emotional. Feeling upset and crying is a valid response to your husband putting next to zero effort or thought in to a gift for you. Especially as he used to be able to.

He started to say that I choose to feel this way about a stupid gift

He chose to get you a shit gift.

He said that the DOVE set included more shampoo and cream, not just an antiperspirant

Whoop de do.

He said that he works hard and earns money for the family

Ah. He works so he should be excused from giving thoughtful gifts to his wife, who likely does the majority of the parenting, managing the household, cleaning, cooking, buying gifts for every fucker under the sun, all unpaid labour, and whose earning potential has been limited by having children?

and he did not have time / forgot about a Christmas gift.

At least he's more honest with the last part of that sentence.

It's not like online shopping exists. It's not like the entire rest of the adult population manages to order gifts in their spare time around work.

So we've got to the crux of it anyway. He doesn't think he should have to remember to buy his wife a present for something that happens on the same damn date every year, and he doesn't see why it should be more than shampoo and deodorant.

I honestly don't know how I'd get over this. His ongoing DARVO is breathtaking.

I agree, OP you are not being too emotional. You are reacting to how he chose to treat you. This is a reaction to his behaviour. If he cannot see or understand this and simply dismisses you I believe there is a bigger conversation to be had. This is not about a shit gift. It's about his behaviour.

@intimeforchristmas - much empathy. Today I was told that “We” didn’t do enough to make Christmas special enough for the kids yesterday. As “We” didn’t buy a single gift or any of the food, or prepare or cook it, I am going calmly to handball of it to “We” next year. I will drink wine and wander in at 3:30 in the afternoon when I’m hungry because nobody’s made me lunch and then get snippy when I’m told that it’s an utterly ridiculous time to suggest making dinner and that a grown adult can make their own lunch or get a snack for once.

You'll get nothing next year, is what he said when you complained.

You say he got you nothing last year (?)

He's ordering the sushi for himself anyway by the sounds of it.

His attitude (if you complain about a poor "gift", you'll get nothing next year) I'd very hardliners, derogatory and tyrannical.i was going tk say, like a parent to a child but i should rather say, like a bad parent to the child.

Hebseens to think his partner is beneath beneath and ges the boss/dictator.

People with that attitude do not usually change.

Being carried good father is also not just about how you treat your child, not how you treat the most important people in your child's life, their main carer foremost. It's about being family oriented abd a team, not just separately separately good father, its not that narrow/specific.

Sorry about all the typos, annoying autocorrect

It is a lot to think about. He still thinks I'm exaggerating and it's just a gift and that he has too much on his mind to worry about such things. You see, it hurts a lot because I do a lot at home and around DD. Since September I have been working 3 days a week and only these days he has to pick up dd from nursery and give her something to eat before I arrive. I organized Christmas, cards and gifts for everyone and I expected only one from him. Yesterday he tried to rectify the situation and cooked lunch, did the washing and cleaning. I am very hurt by his reaction to my complaint more than a gift and I decided to buy myself a gift from a joint account. Therefore, I thanked him for the new iPhone.

OP,

Sort your contraception out.

Do not even consider having another child with a man who would treat you and speak to you like that.

You will get nothing next year should continue to ring in your ear.

These are not the words of a man who loves and values you.

Don't sleep walk into more children with a man like this, like so many do.

Return to FT if you can.

Make sure you have money in a safe account so that you don't ever feel stuck.

Protect yourself.