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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gambling husband has withdrawn £600+ from credit card for bets.

104 replies

DisneyBaby · 23/12/2021 12:36

My husband and I been together 11 years, married with a nearly 2 year old and baby no 2 on the way in April.
He's had problems with betting in the past, always gets too carried away spending, then I pull him up on it and it's stops for a couple of months before slowly starting again and we're in this vicious cycle of him spending too much, me having a go at him and then him stopping for a while and it goes round and round and round.
Outside of the betting he's a pretty good husband and I'm happy enough, he could definitely do more to help around the house and he's on his phone a lot but other than that, he makes me laugh and is a good Dad.
He's taken it to the next level now and I've just realised he has been withdrawing money from his credit card in cash to spend on betting, I haven't looked too much because I know he's bought me some Xmas presents on there and don't want to ruin the surprise but it's at least £600 that I can see, wouldn't surprise me if it's more. He's already £200 in his overdraft. It's right before Christmas and I am livid about this. He's done this once before but it was years ago before we were married and had children. I was made redundant last month so really need to be able to rely on him to look after me and our children financially and I just feel like I can't trust him at all with money. What should I do? If it wasn't Christmas in a few days, I would throw him out for a few days or would that be overreacting? I don't know what to do, I feel like he's ruined Christmas for me because I don't want any presents coz it feels like dirty money where it's from a credit card and not his own and I don't want to play happy families with him when he's let me down... Help!?!

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 23/12/2021 12:58

It's a terrible addiction and you need to give him an ultimatum after Christmas. Either he goes for help with his addiction or you leave him.

He'll get worse you know, not better unless he tries to fix it. Does he acknowledge he's addicted?

TooMuchPaper · 23/12/2021 13:01

He's an addict. You have some hard decisions to make. Would he seek medical help?

Ostryga · 23/12/2021 13:07

Make him sign up for GamStop as a first port of call. It blocks him from every gambling site in the U.K.

It’s an addiction, and he needs to want to help himself. But signing up for something like this makes it much easier. He also won’t be able to bet in gambling shops or casinos.

www.gamstop.co.uk/

SNUG2022 · 23/12/2021 13:11

I would be looking at divorcing him even if you stay together. You dont want any financial ties. Do you own your home?

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 23/12/2021 13:11

He’s not taking any responsibility for this and he won’t because he doesn’t have to. You cannot fix him. Unless you get him to leave or give him an ultimatum and stick to it nothing will change. He has to be the one to seek help.

Dozer · 23/12/2021 13:15

This is a serious addiction.

As with other addictions you ‘didn’t cause it and can’t control or cure it’. It’s up to him.

Would take advice asap about minimising further detriment to your personal financial status and credit, which may require you to separate from him.

Dozer · 23/12/2021 13:15

You can’t rely on him financially and need a new job asap.

ANameChangeAgain · 23/12/2021 13:22

Agree with all of the above re help etc. Going forward take his cards off and electronic payment methods off him, block PayPal etc, and get control of all of the money, before he lands you in some serious crap. He needs to ask you for every penny and account for it until this is sorted.

DappledOliveGroves · 23/12/2021 13:26

About 20 years ago my cousin discovered her husband was a secret gambler. He'd always dealt with the bills and paperwork and first she knew was that he'd gambled their house away and lost everything. They divorced, she had to start entirely from scratch. 20 years on she still has mutual friends of his and sees him from time to time and he's still a gambling addict, still making excuses, still causing mayhem.

As harsh as it sounds, I'd walk away.

cherrypie66 · 23/12/2021 13:31

My father was a gambler it ruined my childhood. My mum was always stressed out about money and crying when the bank statements came through the door. It has affected me. It was horrible. Sort this out once and for all for the sake of your kids. My mum was never strong enough to leave him He would get better for a while then it would all come crashing down again. Good luck

powershowerforanhour · 23/12/2021 13:33

What does he bet on? Horse racing, other sports or the casino-y games, or a mixture? Rules for depositing money to online gambling accounts tightened up recently so I expect that's why he has withdrawn cash. Agree GamStop is the first port of call. When he's on his phone, is he on online betting sites?

readingismycardio · 23/12/2021 13:35

My mother used to say "aside from drinking, he's a really good husband/father/man". There is no aside. This is who he is. Please don't subject your children to thinking this is normal behavior.

user15364596354862 · 23/12/2021 13:36

I would throw him out for a few days

What would be the point of that? I don't understand your thought process.

ToastofLandon · 23/12/2021 13:37

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Sorry, it’s incredibly cliché but I think it’s true here, and you’ve said you’ve been here before. He isn’t going to change, you owe it to yourself and your kids to get out. You deserve better.

Arrivederla · 23/12/2021 13:40

You are under-reacting rather than over-reacting! You won't look into the extent of his credit card spending on gambling because you don't want to see what he has bought you for Christmas?? Confused
It looks like you have become used to normalising a really awful situation.

MoanyMo · 23/12/2021 13:48

self-exclusion.co.uk/ this is another place to self exclude from local betting shops. He needs to want to stop.

Viviennemary · 23/12/2021 13:51

He needs to get counselling for his gambling addicpction. This is not good.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 23/12/2021 13:53

ExDP blew our 10K savings in the space of 6 months gambling online. Whilst I was pregnant with our first baby.

I only discovered it when I found a house that I wanted us to buy, checked our account and discovered £67.36 in it.

It was horrifying, I had no idea. He told me he was working late when really he was gambling online from work.

He worked for his Uncle, who immediately downloaded GamCare/GamStop on every PC in the building, I did it on ours, his parents did it on theirs.

We shut down our savings account and I’ve never shared finances with anyone since - 5k of that was mine.

We were 22 so with a baby on the way, rent and childcare costs there was no way we could put that money back anywhere near as fast as we originally had.

He did pay me back, though.

He went to GA and got some counselling.

But he was an absolute bastard to me the first 6 months due to withdrawals.

MondayYogurt · 23/12/2021 14:05

I doesn't sound as if you are ready to end the relationship. And he isn't ready to seek help to control his addiction. He prioritises gambling over his family.
So you can either continue this worsening cycle until it collapses, or remove yourself from the situation. As a start you do need to get a new job.

ElleGettingBetter · 23/12/2021 14:24

If you stay with him you will lose everything.

He is addicted to gambling, he needs help and you need to protect your finances.

OhLookMoreShit · 23/12/2021 14:28

Honestly I couldn't be with someone so irresponsible. Give him an ultimatum. Either he gets help immediately and stops this or you divorce and walk before he drags you down with him because he won't be making you laugh when you end up bankrupt and unable to get a mortgage.

BluePlatt · 23/12/2021 14:32

Agree with the poster who said divorce so no legal-financial ties (even if you decide to stay together). As it’s an addiction, even with ultimatums, agreements, good intentions and promises it can all go belly-up overnight.

Partners of gamblers can be left broke, homeless, in debt and on the streets. It happens.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 23/12/2021 14:39

I agree with the previous poster who said you have normalised this.

pointythings · 23/12/2021 14:55

He's an addict. If you want him to change, it's time to put in an ultimatum - but only if you are prepared to act on it. He has to register with gamstop, hand over all family finances to you including his personal spends, he has to attend Gamblers Anonymous or a similar organisation. If he doesn't, you walk away.

It's incredibly hard (my late husband's thing was alcohol, I know what life with an addict is life and how hard it is to cut them loose) but you have to do it.

Grandville · 23/12/2021 14:56

OP a gambling addiction is very vert serious and has a high chance of absolutely ruining your life. He will take out loan after loan and keep lying about it. There are countless cases of people suddenly finding themselves homeless because their spouse has been hiding gambling debts until the bailiffs show up to evict you from the house after the mortgage has defaulted. He may even take out loans in your name which you could be paying for decades.

Even if you want to try again in the future, I would strongly recommend cutting all financial ties with him which could also include divorce if there is equity or a pension to protect.

He will see you and the children in the gutter before he reaches rock bottom.

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