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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gambling husband has withdrawn £600+ from credit card for bets.

104 replies

DisneyBaby · 23/12/2021 12:36

My husband and I been together 11 years, married with a nearly 2 year old and baby no 2 on the way in April.
He's had problems with betting in the past, always gets too carried away spending, then I pull him up on it and it's stops for a couple of months before slowly starting again and we're in this vicious cycle of him spending too much, me having a go at him and then him stopping for a while and it goes round and round and round.
Outside of the betting he's a pretty good husband and I'm happy enough, he could definitely do more to help around the house and he's on his phone a lot but other than that, he makes me laugh and is a good Dad.
He's taken it to the next level now and I've just realised he has been withdrawing money from his credit card in cash to spend on betting, I haven't looked too much because I know he's bought me some Xmas presents on there and don't want to ruin the surprise but it's at least £600 that I can see, wouldn't surprise me if it's more. He's already £200 in his overdraft. It's right before Christmas and I am livid about this. He's done this once before but it was years ago before we were married and had children. I was made redundant last month so really need to be able to rely on him to look after me and our children financially and I just feel like I can't trust him at all with money. What should I do? If it wasn't Christmas in a few days, I would throw him out for a few days or would that be overreacting? I don't know what to do, I feel like he's ruined Christmas for me because I don't want any presents coz it feels like dirty money where it's from a credit card and not his own and I don't want to play happy families with him when he's let me down... Help!?!

OP posts:

mysticpizza · 21/11/2022 21:54

Why was he left with access to cash and credit cards?

As I said last year your priority is to protect yourself and the children. He's abused your trust and his response to whatever you decide now isn't your responsibility.

He's not ready to stop. He may never be. Do you want to wait on the off-chance?

How do you want your future to look?

Original poster

DisneyBaby · 22/11/2022 22:18

Downtown123 · 21/11/2022 14:37

Gambling is a addiction that is still kept hush hush and isn’t really spoken about, but it’s one of the most dangerous addictions to have.
You start small but you can lose everything in minutes.
The more you lose the more you bet to try and win it back.
The more you win, the more you want to win bigger.
Sometimes like me it was about self sabotage.
I knew how to win 30k, £27k, few grands here and there.
I knew how to win, the games I played I knew if they would drop or not.
I hated winning, I wanted to lose as I felt worthless.
I didn’t want to drink or take drugs to escape as that would hurt and affect other people.
I do now have diagnosed mental health issues.
As a gambling addict (I still am, I will always be one as if I bet a pound it would spiral instantly).
A £10 bet can turn into a 10k bet in seconds.

First off forget about the addiction it’s the lying, stealing and aggression that you need to be concerned about.
I never ever lied or stole from anyone.

My advice is unless HE WANTS to stop now (without a last gamble etc).
No pocket money for a gamble a week etc as that is not dealing with the problem.
He is honest with you on his wins/loses as is he losing all this cash and not winning. If he is winning where is that money.
He hands over all financial stuff to you and he can’t access any money.
Yes it will be like mothering him but honestly for him to come out of this he can’t have access to money.
Buy gift cards which can be added to your phone wallet so he doesn’t feel like he is not in control.
My friend helped me to do this. I only use cash as I didn’t gamble in bookies just online.
You can self exclude from bookmakers.
He opens up and talks to you or someone when he is getting the urge.
If he is really struggling go out with him and buy something for your children.
Go to a expensive shop and pick out a expensive item and go to buy it.
He won’t want to because it will cost too much money and would you spend £100 on a top for your kid if you didn’t have that kind of money? No he wouldn’t, but he would spend £400 on a few hours gambling.
That is the thing that really helped me think how stupid I was.
I would stand in the shop refusing to pay £2.75 for a tub of Pringles but would run home to put £50 on a slot machine.

You can see it spiralling but if that is all he has wasted it can be saved, but now is the time to either walk away, which I wouldn’t blame you for or he agrees and everything stop now.
This isn’t your problem if he does something stupid if you do walk away, that is on him not you and your children.
Good luck op, it’s not easy but like any addiction he can overcome it and adjust his life to be free from gambling.

This is really helpful thank you! Especially the bit about taking him to a shop to spend the same amount, that's a great way to think about it!
Sorry to hear you have struggled to but well done for overcoming it!

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 23/11/2022 01:19

So,let's analyze this-he lies,he gambles away money you can't afford to lose and he gets aggressive-yet you claim 'he's a good father?! So what's going to happen if things get really worse and he feels desperate if times grow harder in this economy? You try to stop him and he gets more than just aggressive? He pushes you,he slaps you, he beats you to get to the bookie? You say he's escalating now what's going to happen if he escalated to the point you're bankrupt? You're at a crossroads here and you've got to be the adult in the room now

curiousierandcouriser · 23/11/2022 09:41

DisneyBaby · 20/11/2022 22:15

Also maybe it's because I've put up with this so long but I question, is that actually enough money lost to end a marriage?
Like if he bet and lost £20k, that's BIG but am I being dramatic over £2k say... But I mean it's probably £10k over several years I guess...

@DisneyBaby if you don't think that's enough money to end a marriage, what is and are you willing to wait until he does lose it, leaving you all destitue?

I would echo posters to divorce and separate yourselves financially from him. He's already shown you many times that he can't be trusted to stop by himself. An addict needs to want to stop before they will and you shouldn't risk yourself and the girls waiting for that.

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