Gambling husband has withdrawn £600+ from credit card for bets.

[DisneyBaby]

My husband and I been together 11 years, married with a nearly 2 year old and baby no 2 on the way in April.
He's had problems with betting in the past, always gets too carried away spending, then I pull him up on it and it's stops for a couple of months before slowly starting again and we're in this vicious cycle of him spending too much, me having a go at him and then him stopping for a while and it goes round and round and round.
Outside of the betting he's a pretty good husband and I'm happy enough, he could definitely do more to help around the house and he's on his phone a lot but other than that, he makes me laugh and is a good Dad.
He's taken it to the next level now and I've just realised he has been withdrawing money from his credit card in cash to spend on betting, I haven't looked too much because I know he's bought me some Xmas presents on there and don't want to ruin the surprise but it's at least £600 that I can see, wouldn't surprise me if it's more. He's already £200 in his overdraft. It's right before Christmas and I am livid about this. He's done this once before but it was years ago before we were married and had children. I was made redundant last month so really need to be able to rely on him to look after me and our children financially and I just feel like I can't trust him at all with money. What should I do? If it wasn't Christmas in a few days, I would throw him out for a few days or would that be overreacting? I don't know what to do, I feel like he's ruined Christmas for me because I don't want any presents coz it feels like dirty money where it's from a credit card and not his own and I don't want to play happy families with him when he's let me down... Help!?!

I'm so sorry you are still in this position OP. If it was me I would leave, the lying as much as the gambling would be unforgivable for me.

He really needs to get help and sort himself out. He can self exclude from bookies as well as online gambling but he probably also needs to attend GA or something similar.

self-exclusion.co.uk/find-the-help-thats-right-for-you/

There's info on that link about organisations and how to self exclude from shops. This needs to be something he does and commits to, not you.

They never stop voluntarily. You are trying to police him but he is still doing it. You could do what working-class women used to do - take his wages/salary off him and give him "pocket money".

Women used to wait at iron works, pit heads, shipyards and factories at payday and take the pay packet straight from the men to run the house. If they didn't, it would be blown and the family would starve. A lot of working class women still do this to run the household. It's up to you - either you take his access to your family money and credit away, or he will find a way to piss it up the wall. Whatever you decide, follow through and don't back down.

My ex husband was a gambler. Started small. Ended up withdrawing our life savings and gambling it. Gambled our mortgage money. The money we had put on one side for our baby's nursery furniture. It was never ending.
He has gambled literally hundreds of thousands of pounds (redundancy money, remortgaged, credit cards). This was after I left him and so thankfully (to an extent) it's not my problem any more.
It's still my problem though when he doesn't pay the child maintenance as he's gambled it.
I've had to order him online shopping so that he didn't starve.

You cannot control it. You cannot police it.
Please leave him

It is nigh on impossible to kick a gambling addiction.

He may well have huge debts you know nothing about. As you know, he will lie, and lie, and lie because all he knows is he has to gamble.

His constant desire for the next gambling hit is also a good thing. He won't top himself because being dead would prevent him from gambling. So at least there's that.

I know it's been 12 years, a marriage, two kids and home together, but he gambling is his first love. You can't compete.

So sorry.

@JCoverdale this used to happen at my dads pit in Kent. He also remembers men in tears who would gamble away their pay packets as soon as they got it.
OP he needs help.
And no more access to credit.
Or I honestly think divorce is the only way you will protect yourself and your daughters

OP I'm so sorry, he's deeply in addiction. Just like with drugs or alcohol.

Whatever you decide to do, you MUST protect your children financially NOW, this minute. He could lose their home.

If you stay with him you must have total control over all the finances and accounts. You will have to check often and regularly that he hasn't taken out loans in your name fraudulently. He can only have small amounts of daily spending money.

He will resent you. He may get very angry. Nothing will matter to him. He is in deep denial and nothing can be done to help him until he accepts the reality.

Please be careful, if not for your sake, for your children.

The man I loved who was addicted to gambling killed himself rather than live with it. I tried to help him, but he kept lying to me and himself.

I think many people underestimate the damage a gambling addiction can result in. Not just for the addict but the wider family.

OP you have given so many chances, done your best but he is clearly still in the grip of addiction.

I simply couldn't live like this. It's like having the sword of Damocles hanging over your (and your children's) life.

Whatever amount you think he has frittered away, the true amount will be more. Potentially much, much more.

Addicts are cunning at hiding their actions, from "hacking" a ring doorbell to potentially taking credit cards out and having post redirected to a friend or PO Box.

One day, unless you take action you'll post on here because your home will be under threat. Your credit rating will be lost and your circumstances will be dire.

The truth is a good husband/father would not risk his families stability in this way.

They would seek help from the many gambling charities and would ban themselves from online and in-person betting (yes you can do the latter - gambling aware website has the details on how to do this which covers different companies and a geographical area, so you could even self-exclude to a 200 mile radius of your home). He would also agree to hand all finances to you. Everything. He then gets an allowance paid to him weekly.

So ultimately it's up to you. Keep going through this cycle and living in fear for the future or you get serious and lay down some final last chance rules that if he breaks mean you will divorce him - and mean it. Though frankly I'd already be booking an appointment with a solicitor.

Who's the main credit card holder?
It is possible to disable the cash facility on a credit card, call and explain they can put it in place, that will at least stop the interest from further cash withdrawals. You could also ask that they put a note to stop it been removed in future. Banks are well aware of gambling addiction and will support where they can.

Is there any local gambling support groups? Would he be willing to go?

Unfortunately I think unless he is willing to help himself, there's not a right lot you can do. If he continues and spirals, then potentially you and the children will suffer. Don't leave it till you are losing the house to leave or his aggression turns physical.
Addiction is cruel, it's consuming and it's not only the addict that suffers. It's those closest that suffer the most. Please don't let that be your children.

That is my biggest fear!!

split your finances and remove your name from any joint financial things if you can.You cannot trust him with money, ever.

Is the fear of him killing himself bigger than the fear of your children being homeless and destitute? Because that's the bottom line.

I often think of the man I loved, and what might have been. It might have been much, much worse for him. You think there's nothing worse than death? Think again.

I wish my cousin could talk some sense into you. She was married to a man just like your husband and he destroyed her life. He opened credit cards in her name, took out loans in her name, gambled every bit of savings they had, and even got their house foreclosured on. He loed and lied and lied, and sadly for years she stayed thinking he would change. He only got worse and my cousin lost everything.

Don't do this to yourself. You already know you have to leave him.

It’s like any addiction isn’t it ?
how many chances do you give ?
its hard being with an addict , make the right choices for you and your family. Don’t make any rash decisions x

This post mirrors my experience too, OP. Your husband is not a good man, he is putting his family's financial wellbeing in serious jeopardy and I'm sorry to say, you're sleepwalking into it yourself. Your children deserve better than this.

You have time to pull this back. There's no point asking him to do better, he doesn't choose to. There is no depth to which a gambler won't plummet to feed their addiction. They will lie and lie and lie. One day you'll be looking back wishing you'd done something about it and cut him off.

What a waster he is. Don't let him carry on doing this to you and your children, OP. Get rid. He can kick his addiction if he wants to and be a good father if that's what he chooses but he is no husband.

I'm really sorry to be so blunt but my father blighted my mother's life and that of my three brothers and mine also. Looked out for number one his whole life even though he had a wife and children... none of us mattered, only feeding his gambling. Please don't let that sad experience be your children's also.

Jesus, OP. I'd only read your first post and now I've read the whole thread.

You don't love man, you have NO idea who he is. The man you married is gone. He will lie to you, take out new credit cards whilst making a show of cutting up the ones you've found/know about. There is no limit to what addicts will do to feed their habit.

The only thing you can do is get away from him. You and your children. Get him out before he loses your home for you.

Gamblers can lose their jobs, homes, everything. They lie and steal from family and friends and lose all of them eventually- they have to be cut off because the family and friends can't afford to support their addiction anymore.

The addict is then friendless and homeless. May turn to crime to feed themselves or more likely the addiction. May turn to alcohol or drugs to cope with life on the streets. Living in shop doorways reeking of shit and piss shuffling into a bookie to place another bet. The gamechanger (hollow laugh).

But hey, he's not dead. Hurrah.

You know you need to leave .
Stop deluding yourself that he’s a good father or husband.. he is an addict and he comes first . Your needs and those of your children are not his priority. You all deserve better than this .

In many ways gambling is the worst addiction and quickly damaging in a short period of time .
An alcoholic can only drink so much in a day and then they are sick or pass out (or worse ) same with a drug addict .. with gamblers they can go on indefinitely until all the money is gone , debts racked up and you wouldn’t even know until you are destitute.

Please think of your children and their future and leave now .

For your own sake and sake of your children divorce him. Don't have a financial connection to him. He will drag you down and ruin your life and that of your children.

How are you today OP?

I hope (as awful as it sounds) that you haven't slept last night and minimized things this morning, which is east to do (from my own bitter experience)
I mean that as kindly as possible.

Please also speak to someone in real life. A friend. Family. I never did as I was embarrassed. HE should be ashamed, not you.

Wishing you strength

Sorry not RFT so has probably been mentioned but the interest on cash withdrawals on a credit card is really high and starts immediately on withdrawal and usually attracts a handling fee

He was happy to leave a poorly dog to get his fix. You know he would probably do that to your daughters too?

This is no life for you or them.

Sorry op. I think you know the answer, you just aren't quite ready to face it.

When he gets to rock bottom please do not be with him OP

His rock bottom isn't the one that matters. It's OP's rock bottom that will make her act. Sadly it doesn't sound as if she's there yet. Worse will come.

Gambling is a addiction that is still kept hush hush and isn’t really spoken about, but it’s one of the most dangerous addictions to have.
You start small but you can lose everything in minutes.
The more you lose the more you bet to try and win it back.
The more you win, the more you want to win bigger.
Sometimes like me it was about self sabotage.
I knew how to win 30k, £27k, few grands here and there.
I knew how to win, the games I played I knew if they would drop or not.
I hated winning, I wanted to lose as I felt worthless.
I didn’t want to drink or take drugs to escape as that would hurt and affect other people.
I do now have diagnosed mental health issues.
As a gambling addict (I still am, I will always be one as if I bet a pound it would spiral instantly).
A £10 bet can turn into a 10k bet in seconds.

First off forget about the addiction it’s the lying, stealing and aggression that you need to be concerned about.
I never ever lied or stole from anyone.

My advice is unless HE WANTS to stop now (without a last gamble etc).
No pocket money for a gamble a week etc as that is not dealing with the problem.
He is honest with you on his wins/loses as is he losing all this cash and not winning. If he is winning where is that money.
He hands over all financial stuff to you and he can’t access any money.
Yes it will be like mothering him but honestly for him to come out of this he can’t have access to money.
Buy gift cards which can be added to your phone wallet so he doesn’t feel like he is not in control.
My friend helped me to do this. I only use cash as I didn’t gamble in bookies just online.
You can self exclude from bookmakers.
He opens up and talks to you or someone when he is getting the urge.
If he is really struggling go out with him and buy something for your children.
Go to a expensive shop and pick out a expensive item and go to buy it.
He won’t want to because it will cost too much money and would you spend £100 on a top for your kid if you didn’t have that kind of money? No he wouldn’t, but he would spend £400 on a few hours gambling.
That is the thing that really helped me think how stupid I was.
I would stand in the shop refusing to pay £2.75 for a tub of Pringles but would run home to put £50 on a slot machine.

You can see it spiralling but if that is all he has wasted it can be saved, but now is the time to either walk away, which I wouldn’t blame you for or he agrees and everything stop now.
This isn’t your problem if he does something stupid if you do walk away, that is on him not you and your children.
Good luck op, it’s not easy but like any addiction he can overcome it and adjust his life to be free from gambling.

Tell him unless he agrees to go to gambling addiction counselling you will have to consider if you want to stay in the marriage. Use Gam stop on all devices & take control of all financial stuff, change passwords & pin numbers on everything & take his cards off him as he can buy pay point tickets to fuel his gambling. I'm a former gambling addict & this is what I wish someone had done this for me, mine was medication fueled as I was on pramipexol which causes it.