Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Gambling husband has withdrawn £600+ from credit card for bets.

104 replies

DisneyBaby · 23/12/2021 12:36

My husband and I been together 11 years, married with a nearly 2 year old and baby no 2 on the way in April.
He's had problems with betting in the past, always gets too carried away spending, then I pull him up on it and it's stops for a couple of months before slowly starting again and we're in this vicious cycle of him spending too much, me having a go at him and then him stopping for a while and it goes round and round and round.
Outside of the betting he's a pretty good husband and I'm happy enough, he could definitely do more to help around the house and he's on his phone a lot but other than that, he makes me laugh and is a good Dad.
He's taken it to the next level now and I've just realised he has been withdrawing money from his credit card in cash to spend on betting, I haven't looked too much because I know he's bought me some Xmas presents on there and don't want to ruin the surprise but it's at least £600 that I can see, wouldn't surprise me if it's more. He's already £200 in his overdraft. It's right before Christmas and I am livid about this. He's done this once before but it was years ago before we were married and had children. I was made redundant last month so really need to be able to rely on him to look after me and our children financially and I just feel like I can't trust him at all with money. What should I do? If it wasn't Christmas in a few days, I would throw him out for a few days or would that be overreacting? I don't know what to do, I feel like he's ruined Christmas for me because I don't want any presents coz it feels like dirty money where it's from a credit card and not his own and I don't want to play happy families with him when he's let me down... Help!?!

OP posts:

LoveShitJokes · 20/11/2022 21:28

Oh this sounds really hard OP how awful. The only advice I would give is to end the marriage before he leaves you in debt and completely destroys your life, but I know it's easier said than done especially if you have children x

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/11/2022 21:33

You're going to have to leave, OP, I'm sorry. Your husband is an addict who is actively using. He will never stop until he reaches his personal rock bottom - or until he dies.

If you stay with him he will drag you and your children down there with him. You cannot control or cure his addiction. All you can do is detach and protect yourself and your children.

Gam Anon give support to the loved ones of gambling addicts. You can contact them here
gamanon.org.uk/

pointythings · 20/11/2022 21:33

However hard it is, this is where you divorce him. For your sake and your DCs' sakes. Your husband is an addict and he is in active addiction. You cannot prevent him from acting on that addiction, so you have to walk away. Start your petition now and cut yourself free before he drags you down completely.

Mine was an addict too. I know how devastating it is.

7upandup · 20/11/2022 21:35

My ex was a gambling addict. They lie and lie to the point you will never even believe the truth anymore. I don't think your marriage can survive this. The thing is with gambling addiction, they will drag you down with them financially.
You and your kids deserve better and he needs to go and get help off his own back.

My ex told me he was in rehab and doing well. It was all lies. He stole every penny out of my account and took his passport and hid my bank card.
He is stealing from you and your children, make no mistake.

NerrSnerr · 20/11/2022 21:37

You've got to do the right thing for your children. They don't deserve to be living full time with an addict with a mum who they will think accepts it and thinks it's ok.

They will figure it out much earlier than you think they will, kids are not stupid. He has proved he can't sort himself out and it's not fair he fucks up your finances more. You need to get out.

mummabubs · 20/11/2022 21:46

I'm really sorry you're in this position OP. I'm sorry that he hasn't managed to stop gambling and commit to seeking help. No one can tell you what to do, and I completely understand you still loving him in spite of this. Personally if it were me, putting his gambling before your dog's wellbeing says a lot. I also wonder how having to pay the £1500+interest back will affect what you can afford for the kids. I think I'd start to really resent my husband for putting us all through that and I'm not sure I could ever see him the same way. I'd be questioning whether he was any more serious about addressing the issue than he was this time last year. And sadly I'd likely end the marriage at this point. He's gone out of his way to hide this from you, I don't think I could get over that.

Original poster

DisneyBaby · 20/11/2022 21:50

Just to add, when I question him he lies, and can also get defensive and at times a little aggressive too. Which he sometimes does in front of our toddler who is starting to understand things now. This is one of the ways I can tell if he's relapsed or not because he gets touchy.,,

Other than this I think he's a great dad and good husband and we get on well and have so many amazing memories together - we've been together 12 years!

My fear in ending it is that he may do something silly because I think he beats himself up about it everytime he starts again and loses money, yet can't help it. I really wouldn't want to end it and then him do something stupid and me feel responsible for the rest of my life..,

I feel truly stuck. I love him but hate him at the same time for putting me in the situation.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 20/11/2022 21:53

SIL lost her house that was near mortgage free to her now Ex gambling.

NerrSnerr · 20/11/2022 21:55

Other than this I think he's a great dad

He gets aggressive in front of you in front of your child. He is not a great dad.

He has done this. This is all on him. If he does do something that is 100% on him (although he will threaten it the chances are he won't).

Domestic violence escalates. Don't risk your children being left without a mum.

Original poster

DisneyBaby · 20/11/2022 21:57

He pays all the mortgage and bills for our house, so I feel as if I can't throw him out because it's all paid for by him (although half the deposit we put in and equity is mine)...

Should I leave with the kids? When it's not me who's done wrong, we're just heading into Christmas...😞

I am self employed and my pay varies from £1400 a month to literally nothing other months..

OP posts:

mummabubs · 20/11/2022 22:02

Just to add OP, I completely get that you have concerns about how he'd react to you ending the marriage (ie communicating that his behaviour isn't acceptable). But you simply cannot be responsible for his behaviour and choices. The alternative is staying with him forever to maintain this status quo, which makes you miserable and sounds like it's hurtling towards abusive. He's already financially abusing you by lying and falsely using your money without permission. Aggressive behaviour around it is a huge red flag, as is behaving in a way that makes you think you can't leave as he may be a danger to himself. Whilst I don't believe anyone is 100% 'bad', you say he's a good husband and father, but his ongoing choices and behaviour doesn't reflect this.

parietal · 20/11/2022 22:05

only stay with him if he gives you 100% of the money and full control of it. you get all his salary and bank cards and statements. you give him £10 per week 'pocket money' (or similar). and he has to attend Gambling Anon or similar and stick with it.

pointythings · 20/11/2022 22:09

You don't leave the house. You can petition for divorce while still living with him. A share of the equity in that house is yours - and the sooner you petition, the less time he will have to gamble away your assets.

You are not responsible for his reaction if you divorce him. He is prioritising his addiction over you and his family. That is on him. He is choosing to gamble instead of seeking treatment for his addiction. That is on him.

Like any addiction, the 3 Cs apply: You did not cause this, you cannot cure it, you cannot control it. All you can do is protect yourself and your children. Do it. Soon.

Elliania · 20/11/2022 22:13

Look OP this isn't "Oh I had a spare £10 so I popped into the bookies". This is him taking multiple, deliberate steps to hide this from you. He's fixed the doorbell, he's only using cash, he's lying to you. This is a big deal and you need to protect yourself, your children and your assets.

Original poster

DisneyBaby · 20/11/2022 22:15

Also maybe it's because I've put up with this so long but I question, is that actually enough money lost to end a marriage?
Like if he bet and lost £20k, that's BIG but am I being dramatic over £2k say... But I mean it's probably £10k over several years I guess...

OP posts:

Auntiealie · 20/11/2022 22:17

As someone with addiction in the family. Please don’t belittle this, I promise you as much as it’s easier in the short term to pretend it’s not that bad… that allows it to grow under the carpet and it just gets worse and worse. Please tackle this head on to save your family stress, money, heartache and sadness x

pointythings · 20/11/2022 22:22

It isn't about the money. It really isn't. It's about the fact that his need to feed his addiction is more important than anything else in his life. It means he will not act in the best interest of his family. Not ever. Because he has a beast to feed. It means you cannot trust him with your family's welfare. Not ever. It means you constantly have to check on him, worry about him, live with that state of anxiety. Not only has he stolen money from his family, he has also stolen your peace of mind.

That is what it's about.

Clymene · 20/11/2022 22:24

He's stealing from you and your children. He's put your dog's well-being at risk. He's aggressive in front of the children.

Whatever his good points, he is an addict. He will gamble away the roof over your head if he's able to.

Clymene · 20/11/2022 22:26

DisneyBaby · 20/11/2022 22:15

It will be a lot more than £10k if it's been £2k in the last two months. It's not even two months

Quackpot · 20/11/2022 22:30

Don't subject your kids to that. It's not a fun childhood. Free them and yourself. You can't fix it.

Fairislefandango · 20/11/2022 22:31

Also maybe it's because I've put up with this so long but I question, is that actually enough money lost to end a marriage?

There is no particular amount of money which makes it enough or not enough to end a marriage. That's not the point. The reason you need to end the marriage is because he is a liar and an addict and he will drag you and your children down with him. You will never be able to trust him. How can you keep putting yourself and your children through this never-ending cycle of lies, aggressive defensiveness, grovelling apology and stolen money?!

BronwenFrideswide · 20/11/2022 22:31

'you didn't leave Daisy to go to the bookies did you' and he said 'no I'd never do that don't worry' but he did.

If you left him with the children whilst you were out he'd say the same thing BUT can you trust him now?

All lies.

Lies are so destructive, they erode trust and eat away at a marriage, your self respect and your view of him.

I just hate it. I'm so livid and disappointed that he is ruining our marriage and family.

Yes, he is ruining your marriage. He's never going to change, he hasn't kept to the promises he made, attendance at GambAnon hasn't stopped him, he's lying to them too.

You and your girls should not have to deal with this and should not have to live your lives like this.

Jellybean23 · 20/11/2022 22:34

You need to divorce him or he will drag you down into the gutter and you'll lose everything. He also needs to move out because living at the same address will affect your credit. Do not delay a moment longer.
My nephew went to prison for gambling away £300k of someone else's money. He could tell a convincing lie at the drop of a hat. He lied to his parents over and over and over again and like fools, they bailed him out in the early days.

Do not believe his assurances that he'll change.
Staying together is not the way to happiness, it will be misery for you and the girls.

Jellybean23 · 20/11/2022 22:40

Just a thought, DisneyBaby, don't take his word for it that he's paying the mortgage and bills. Double check.

waterSpider · 20/11/2022 22:44

>> it's probably £10k over several years I guess...

I agree about the level of risks going forward, and deception.

But others might spend that amount on bikes, or golf, or following a football team.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5