Love of my life - completely fucked up

[completefuckup66]

I have completely fucked up with the love of my life.
We have had the most incredible relationship you can imagine and I know everyone says that but honestly, I was with an absolute diamond. We had a very not toxic relationship. He was the loveliest guy in the whole world and I’m not just saying this now I’ve always said this - he is the double of me, so so caring and lovely, loves all the things I do, made me feel so at home. I’ve had a bit of a hard time recently and he’s been there for me every step of the way and really stepped up. I’ve been really conscious that I have been a bit moany around him but he’s been there through it all and not put a foot wrong.
I’ve also struggled with anxiety in the past and been with abusive people. One night a few months ago - and I don’t know why - I got so drunk and took it out on him, moaned that he wasn’t doing enough and then held him because he wanted to leave and I didn’t want him to. Completely wrong of me and we got past it and it’s all been incredible.

Two days ago he told me he sees a future with me, is so excited for everything and thinks the whole world of me. And today I fucked it up in one morning.
I woke up so so so so stressed, I’ve had so much on my plate for the last few weeks. I’ve sorted therapy to help me and I’ve tried not to put it on him. It just got a bit much for me this morning and I for some reason got upset that he wasn’t kissing and cuddling me as much in the morning (??? Pathetic I know) and I told him he had to do it and to act like my boyfriend (pathetic). We argued (which we never do) and he got up to leave so again I tried to grab him so that he wouldn’t leave. I also accidentally elbowed him when I got upset and it wasn’t intentional.

He then broke up with me completely. Said he was completely done, he draws the line at being controlled and abused. I didn’t mean anything I did and it was just a blip. I mean it when I say it’s been incredible before this, we have the best time, we laugh so much, everyone says how amazing we are together. But he’s just left and said nothing will change his mind, he will never see me again.

I’m absolutely heartbroken that one stupid blip from me has made the love of my life walk out. He didn’t put a foot wrong and I’m honestly struggling to ever forgive myself for this

@BrokenHeartyui

I don’t think this is even bad *@completefuckup66* so what you asked him for a cuddle when you’re stressed and then you asked him not to leave and accidentally elbowed him? He needs to grow up. Find someone better OP.

No - it's abusive to physically restrain someone from leaving.

I’m sorry OP but your entire post is about you and about how you feel. Nothing about him or what is best for him.

You don’t sound like you’re in a good place to be in a relationship at all. He’s absolutely made the right decision and you should take this time to have a jolly good look at yourself.

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time at the moment but it honestly sounds like he deserved a whole lot better than what you were giving him, poor bloke.

And you know it wasn’t one blip, you’re kidding yourself if you think it was otherwise. Read back what we’ve all just read: you come across as anxious, needy, moany, demanding, controlling and at the end, physically confrontational. Anyone would have told him to run a mile.

You need to be by yourself for a while and work on your issues.

Sorry but your post is completely self centred. He’s perfect so you don’t want to lose him. But you’re not behaving well so why should he settle for you? All this melodrama doesn’t reflect well on you at all. Sort yourself out, leave him alone and make sure you’re in a better place emotionally before you embark on another relationship.

Your behaviour does sound very extreme in this instance - you are getting quite a hard time on here though. You are obviously upset and not in a good place.

He might possibly change his mind and be willing to work on things, but all you can really do now is sincerely apologise then give him space.

Good luck.

Work on yourself. Continue therapy. Talk to your therapist/counsellor about what has happened. Talk to friends

When you are in a better place you can look again. It is likely to take a long time. Maybe he will still be single and maybe you can reconnect. Maybe he won't want that. Maybe you will find someone new that feels even better

He might possibly change his mind and be willing to work on things, but all you can really do now is sincerely apologise then give him space.

I hope not. For his sake. Healthy boundaries are a good thing.

and I for some reason got upset that he wasn’t kissing and cuddling me as much in the morning (??? Pathetic I know) and I told him he had to do it and to act like my boyfriend (pathetic).

You honestly sound like a child. This is something I would have done with my ex when I was like 16/17. I agree with pp saying you don't seem emotionally ready for a relationship. He's noticed a pattern and isn't going to put up with it, good on him. You say he's so good to you but it's like you want the relationship to be toxic. Very strange

Really good thread, calling out poor behaviour regardless of whether the perpetrator is a man or a woman. A man posting would get a very similar thread.

You ok OP?

and I for some reason got upset that he wasn’t kissing and cuddling me as much in the morning (??? Pathetic I know) and I told him he had to do it and to act like my boyfriend (pathetic).

If this was from a man and read' I told her she wasn't kissing and cuddling me enough and she had to do it' you know what that would be called, don't you? Especially when the person in question was physically restrained in an attempt to prevent them from leaving when they felt uncomfortable.

Sexual coercion and assault.

OPs post .. the minimising, the calling it 'one blip' reminds me of how my exh used to view his abuse of me in our relationship. He would never own it fully, he'd perhaps admit to a little but always tried to convince me I was blowing it out of proportion. He also 'accidentally' elbowed me or 'accidentally' scratched me as he grabbed my arm to stop me leaving when he was shouting or making demands or telling me how shit I was at being a wife. He did many things 'accidentally' and minimised every single one.

I know he was suffering emotionally and mentally from things I can't go into, but I was always there for him, supported him, tried to encourage him to get help. All of which he threw back in my face. Yes, he was in a bad place, but it's no excuse to lash out at those who love you, and he had no right to drag me into a bad place too. Ultimately I walked away and it's the best thing I ever did for myself and my DC.

You've dragged your ex into a bad place, OP. He has 100% done the right thing in walking away and I sincerely hope he stays gone for both your sakes.

@BillMasen

Really good thread, calling out poor behaviour regardless of whether the perpetrator is a man or a woman. A man posting would get a very similar thread.

I agree. I just hope the OP doesn't still try to minimise her bad behaviour after seeing these replies.

Would they heck get the same response!

A woman posts and she gets bpd diagnosis and a reason beyond her control for her actions, a man post similar and he would absolutely be called abusive, in various veins and titles.

OP I appreciate how awful you must feel and echo the need for you to get help. Heal yourself and your thought processes and wjo knows what's round the corner

@baileys6904

Did you bother to read the overwhelming majority of posts saying the Op was being abusive, very much so?

@baileys6904

Someone can have bpd AND be abusive. I don't see many suggesting the OP has an excuse for her behaviour.

That poster wanted to find something unfair
When didn’t - created own version of the thread

OP no one on here can really get a full picture of what is happening in your life. For all we know yr DP maybe just about perfect or a manipulative individual who has you just where he wants you....who knows. I don't think mums net is the best place to come and get the best opinion. Better to get some non judgemental counselling.

I for one think you've had something of a rough ride here OP. You've been feeling very anxious - in spite of reassuring words. I also don't think you've been horribly abusive - but perhaps unhealthy in your response to anxiety.
As others have said - noone really knows what is going on in your relationship- but it sounds as if you may have been treated badly - in that expressing a need - even if it is due to anxiety- shouldn't have led to a huge break up row.

I think it's quite likely this person wasn't a good fit for you, and I hope that, with therapy - and someone more willing to recognise and reassure you when you feel anxious, you will overcome things.
I t is ekasy to imagine different scenarios for what you have described- and I think mine is that you might not have had quite the right person for you anyway.

@user36738281

Not true - lots of people abbreviate bipolar to BPD.

@girlmom21 no they don’t. BPD has never stood for bipolar and those who abbreviate bipolar as BPD don’t know what they are talking about or unfamiliar with MH terminology or abbreviations lol.

Bipolar IS bipolar... BPD is borderline personality disorder OR EUPD emotionally unstable personality disorder ... I should know, I have BPD but not bipolar ..... :-)

No-one has tried to argue that BPD is the correct technical abbreviation for Bipolar. No-one.

People can be really thick on here sometimes. There seems to be a real problem with basic comprehension of what's written in front of them.