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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love of my life - completely fucked up

121 replies

completefuckup66 · 19/12/2021 15:18

I have completely fucked up with the love of my life.
We have had the most incredible relationship you can imagine and I know everyone says that but honestly, I was with an absolute diamond. We had a very not toxic relationship. He was the loveliest guy in the whole world and I’m not just saying this now I’ve always said this - he is the double of me, so so caring and lovely, loves all the things I do, made me feel so at home. I’ve had a bit of a hard time recently and he’s been there for me every step of the way and really stepped up. I’ve been really conscious that I have been a bit moany around him but he’s been there through it all and not put a foot wrong.
I’ve also struggled with anxiety in the past and been with abusive people. One night a few months ago - and I don’t know why - I got so drunk and took it out on him, moaned that he wasn’t doing enough and then held him because he wanted to leave and I didn’t want him to. Completely wrong of me and we got past it and it’s all been incredible.

Two days ago he told me he sees a future with me, is so excited for everything and thinks the whole world of me. And today I fucked it up in one morning.
I woke up so so so so stressed, I’ve had so much on my plate for the last few weeks. I’ve sorted therapy to help me and I’ve tried not to put it on him. It just got a bit much for me this morning and I for some reason got upset that he wasn’t kissing and cuddling me as much in the morning (??? Pathetic I know) and I told him he had to do it and to act like my boyfriend (pathetic). We argued (which we never do) and he got up to leave so again I tried to grab him so that he wouldn’t leave. I also accidentally elbowed him when I got upset and it wasn’t intentional.

He then broke up with me completely. Said he was completely done, he draws the line at being controlled and abused. I didn’t mean anything I did and it was just a blip. I mean it when I say it’s been incredible before this, we have the best time, we laugh so much, everyone says how amazing we are together. But he’s just left and said nothing will change his mind, he will never see me again.

I’m absolutely heartbroken that one stupid blip from me has made the love of my life walk out. He didn’t put a foot wrong and I’m honestly struggling to ever forgive myself for this

OP posts:
Ariann · 19/12/2021 17:36

Op Your posts are full of unhinged hyperbole.
It wasn't "one blip". He did the right thing to leave.
You need to work on yourself.

Iamkmackered1979 · 19/12/2021 17:38

That’s 2 episodes where you have physically touched him in an abusive way it’s not a sodding blip it’s massive sorry but you are deluding yourself.

You need to continue therapy and get help for this. I get you don’t mean it but you still did it, you need to realise treating people like shit then physically restraining them isn’t normal and isn’t depression or anxiety - I have both and don’t treat people like that. I’d never lay a hand in anyone. It’s sad you’ve lost this man but he’s clearly had enough and who can blame him.
Perhaps you could agree time a part whilst you have therapy and admit you have a problem with anger/as well as the other issues. You need to see things from his point of view not calling it a bloody blip that trivialises how he’s feeling and what you did.

I sincerely hope you can get the help and support you need to get past this, I can imagine you feel horrendous just now but come back to the thread once the dust settles. Take good care of yourself and I hope you have support and love from your family to get through this bad time and so does he

Lacedwithgrace · 19/12/2021 17:41

I hope he has a good support network and access to professional help if needed. Poor guy

getsanta · 19/12/2021 17:46

@Itslit

Look up BPD

Was just about to say this. My sister has borderline personality disorder and this sounds so familiar. She has never gotten help and has lost almost every relationship with everyone she's ever had. Really OP, with kindness, get more therapy before getting into another relationship.

WhatMattersMost · 19/12/2021 17:48

Your rhapsodising on the perfection of your relationship with him is a defence against the reality you're now experiencing. I think therapy (rather than any one man) could be life-changing for you.

NynaeveSedai · 19/12/2021 17:51

People don't behave in controlling and emotionally abusive ways as a 'blip'
I've never tried to control or emotionally abuse my DP because it's not part of how I am. You've done it more than once and he's done with it. He has the perfect right. There are no 'blips' with abusive relationships.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2021 17:54

He did the right thing by ending it, and I really hope you respect his decision and leave him alone. Your behaviour is totally unacceptable.

SunshineCake1 · 19/12/2021 17:54

A blip is minimising how he felt about your actions and actually you did try to physically stop him leaving twice so he probably thought it was going to become a regular thing.

PlanetNormal · 19/12/2021 17:59

It wasn’t ‘one blip’, though, was it? This was the second time you attempted to physically stop him leaving. It would be very interesting to hear his version of what really happened when you claim “I also accidentally elbowed him when I got upset”. You hit him, didn’t you?

I absolutely would not tolerate the behaviour you describe. I don’t blame him for ending it. In his position, I would have done the same.

Dery · 19/12/2021 18:03

“Consider him a valuable learning experience and let him go. Get your therapy. Forgive yourself. Some of us (unlike most of MN ;) ) are not perfect. That's fine, we can learn and move on. Off you go, deep breaths, shake yourself, and start afresh elsewhere.”

This. There is so much I would do differently second time around and I have recently had to suffer a very painful lesson, having not taken chances to learn the lesson sooner. The best thing you can do now is make this experience work for you - learn the lessons - focus on behaving differently next time. And I agree with PPs that therapy could be very helpful for you.

isthismylifenow · 19/12/2021 18:08

You use the word 'incredible' a lot.

It doesn't sound like an incredible perfect relationship at all. Step back and look at the situation again. Is it as incredible for him as it was for you?

MorkandMandy · 19/12/2021 18:13

If you wake up in a bad mood/ are triggered by something and your fired response is to transfer all of that feeling onto your partner then you need to be single for a little while.

There’s a good chance too that it hasn’t been totally all rosy for him as it has for you. Him “not putting a foot wrong” is indicative of him feeling like he’s walking on egg shells all the time and he’s probably exhausted, OP.

DarkUnicorn · 19/12/2021 18:15

Sorry OP with kindness you seem quite self absorbed. From your post the relationship was all about how he made you feel, what he did for you... where are the positives for him? Get therapy and learn to love yourself before getting into another relationship.

Flowers500 · 19/12/2021 18:21

If that therapy had made even the slightest difference you wouldn’t be calling your abuse a “blip.”

ForAFriend123 · 19/12/2021 18:32

You sound very intense the way you talk about your replationship

NdujaWannaDance · 19/12/2021 18:38

You sound emotionally very high maintenance and like you can become very aggressive and argumentive completely out of the blue. And stop saying it was 'one blip.' It wasn't. You've done it before. You can't keep behaving like that and then trying to brush it under the carpet when it suits you.

Let him go. Work on yourself so you can be a better prospect for the next person in your life.

MMmomDD · 19/12/2021 18:52

OP - I think for now he has done the right thing for himself. You clearly need to sort out your issues and stop taking then out ok whoever you are with.
You also sound quite OTT. And I think you might have been having this amazing relationship all by yourself. He clearly wasn’t. It he would not have left in the way he did.
I think a lot more must have been going on with you and him and you were just not aware enough of his feelings.

Time with a counsellor should help. At a minimum you may be able to self reflect, and see how your anxieties affect people close to you.

Also - don’t worry too much about ‘love of your life’. People who are older than you will tell that there isn’t just one special person you are meant to meet.
When you are in a better place, you’ll eventually meet someone right for you. Or - who knows you may get back together with him

Applesarenice · 19/12/2021 18:52

Interesting that some has posted about borderline personality disorder as that was the first thing I thought too

BoredZelda · 19/12/2021 18:56

I was thinking that too. It sounds too much like the behaviour of a physically stronger man. My husband isn't a big man, but I don't think I could physically stop him leaving.

But if you did physically try to do so, and his option was to physically harm you to remove you from him, would he do it? My husband is a big man, but he couldn’t physically hurt me unless it was to save my life.

BoredZelda · 19/12/2021 18:57

Interesting that some has posted about borderline personality disorder as that was the first thing I thought too

Is that your first thought when men are controlling women?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 19/12/2021 19:06

You said he was the double of you - so caring and lovely. (If I read that correctly)

I’m sorry but you don’t sound as though you’ve been lovely to him or caring.

Time to be single and work on your happiness. You won’t be happy with someone until you are happy in yourself.

He really did the right thing in leaving.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 19/12/2021 19:18

"One night a few months ago - and I don’t know why - I got so drunk and took it out on him, moaned that he wasn’t doing enough and then held him because he wanted to leave and I didn’t want him to. Completely wrong of me and we got past it and it’s all been incredible."

In a previous relationship, a boyfriend did something that really gave me cause for concern. I did forgive him but it was always in the back of my mind, and the second time it happened I was instantly done. The reason for this is that I hadn't really got 'past it' the first time, I'd done my best to set it to one side so it didn't affect the relationship, but I was honestly now very wary and when I thought about it privately I acknowledged to myself that if it ever happened again, it would be immediately over.

The way your boyfriend reacted this morning, being clear that it was over and that he would never see you again, makes me wonder if he has had similar conversations with himself.

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 19/12/2021 19:24

So you’ve been controlling, physically and emotionally abusive and you want him to give you another chance.

I’d tell him not to touch you with a barge pole. He shouldn’t give you another chance. That’s what we’d say if you were a man and it was your girlfriend posting wouldn’t we. It works both ways. It sounds absolutely like a toxic relationship.

You need to get therapy. And let him go. Don’t start harassing him.

Tiramesu · 19/12/2021 19:46

I think these comments are a bit OTT, pretending they've got perfect relationships and never been a bit out of sorts or acted stupidly and regretted it. Just give it time to cool down, you may get a chance again after a cooling off period, you never know, but either way dust yourself off and get some coping strategies, wishing you well!

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2021 19:54

@Tiramesu

I think these comments are a bit OTT, pretending they've got perfect relationships and never been a bit out of sorts or acted stupidly and regretted it. Just give it time to cool down, you may get a chance again after a cooling off period, you never know, but either way dust yourself off and get some coping strategies, wishing you well!
As if standards of acceptable behaviour in a partner are a bad thing Hmm

There’s clear blue water between perfect, whatever that means, and controlling and abusive.

You’re giving very bad advice suggesting she’s got a third chance with the poor bloke when he gave her a second one and this is the thanks he got.