Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love of my life - completely fucked up

121 replies

completefuckup66 · 19/12/2021 15:18

I have completely fucked up with the love of my life.
We have had the most incredible relationship you can imagine and I know everyone says that but honestly, I was with an absolute diamond. We had a very not toxic relationship. He was the loveliest guy in the whole world and I’m not just saying this now I’ve always said this - he is the double of me, so so caring and lovely, loves all the things I do, made me feel so at home. I’ve had a bit of a hard time recently and he’s been there for me every step of the way and really stepped up. I’ve been really conscious that I have been a bit moany around him but he’s been there through it all and not put a foot wrong.
I’ve also struggled with anxiety in the past and been with abusive people. One night a few months ago - and I don’t know why - I got so drunk and took it out on him, moaned that he wasn’t doing enough and then held him because he wanted to leave and I didn’t want him to. Completely wrong of me and we got past it and it’s all been incredible.

Two days ago he told me he sees a future with me, is so excited for everything and thinks the whole world of me. And today I fucked it up in one morning.
I woke up so so so so stressed, I’ve had so much on my plate for the last few weeks. I’ve sorted therapy to help me and I’ve tried not to put it on him. It just got a bit much for me this morning and I for some reason got upset that he wasn’t kissing and cuddling me as much in the morning (??? Pathetic I know) and I told him he had to do it and to act like my boyfriend (pathetic). We argued (which we never do) and he got up to leave so again I tried to grab him so that he wouldn’t leave. I also accidentally elbowed him when I got upset and it wasn’t intentional.

He then broke up with me completely. Said he was completely done, he draws the line at being controlled and abused. I didn’t mean anything I did and it was just a blip. I mean it when I say it’s been incredible before this, we have the best time, we laugh so much, everyone says how amazing we are together. But he’s just left and said nothing will change his mind, he will never see me again.

I’m absolutely heartbroken that one stupid blip from me has made the love of my life walk out. He didn’t put a foot wrong and I’m honestly struggling to ever forgive myself for this

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 19/12/2021 16:00

Why are you minimising and saying it’s one blip when it’s clearly not.

I’m sorry, but he’s right, you abused him, and you abused him again, he is right to walk out the second time and not look back

EngTech · 19/12/2021 16:04

Learn, adapt, move on

oftenbaffled · 19/12/2021 16:05

We have had the most incredible relationship you can imagine

On the basis of this thread Op, really really no

Your relationship sound unhealthy and quite honestly shit

OakRowan · 19/12/2021 16:17

Blip is the wrong word, completely minimising what you have been doing, it is controlling, which is abusive, he is right to have boundaries around your behaviour. Blip, blip, no.

Badbaddog · 19/12/2021 16:17

I feel for you OP, it’s horrible to have to face the consequences of our own behaviour. Try to be kind to yourself and to forgive yourself, you are only human and we all make mistakes. I agree with everyone else though that you have a lot of work to do before you can consider offering your love to someone new, this was not a blip but a pattern of selfish, controlling behaviour. You can break the pattern if you try, I have no doubt. Good luck 💐

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 19/12/2021 16:17

Why do you keep saying it's 'one blip' when it's clearly not the first time you've done this? He put it behind him the first time, he's absolutely right not to put it behind him a second time.

Learn and move on. It's over.

Nedclarity · 19/12/2021 16:37

This sounds really unhealthy and also I’d question any relationship that is this level of perfection. Love bombing? If this was the other way around, if he was posting on here and especially if he was a woman he would absolutely be told to leave. It’s great that you’ve started therapy and I would suggest working through this with your therapist.

Bellyups · 19/12/2021 16:46

Hope he stays away for his own sanity and well being.

You seem incredibly lever the top and volatile. He was probably walking on egg shells.

Stop making excuses for what is clearly a volatile and toxic relationship

MadMadMadamMim · 19/12/2021 16:52

Your relationship sounds toxic. You talk about him being 'incredible' but honestly - what was he getting out of the relationship? You sound so needy and such hard work and you clearly need to learn to stand on your own two feet before you're ready for a relationship with anyone.

He's not your therapist. And he's not a rehab centre for you to demand constant help and attention from. People want to be equals in a relationship - not with someone who is demanding and aggressive and controlling. I'm honestly not surprised he's had enough. Relationships should bring something positive to your life - and you sound draining.

Itslit · 19/12/2021 16:57

Look up BPD

MissNothing1991 · 19/12/2021 16:58

As someone who has suffered from domestic abuse, not once, but twice, I salute him for getting out rather than putting up with your behaviour. People like you never change, nor see fault in your actions. 'just a blip' is insulting

girlmom21 · 19/12/2021 17:05

@Itslit

Look up BPD
Please clarify which disorder you're referring to - bipolar or borderline depression personality - as they're very different.

But it doesn't sound like OP's aware enough to self-diagnose anyway, and we definitely shouldn't try and diagnose based on a few sentences on the internet.

Viviennemary · 19/12/2021 17:06

Not surprised. I think he did what was right for him. People shouldn't take on other folks problems to the extent it impacts hugely on their own mental health and wellbeing. Especially a girlfriend/boyfriend.

scarpa · 19/12/2021 17:06

OP, the only way you can heal and be better than this is by admitting (to yourself especially) that this wasn't a blip, nor is this unfair that 'just one morning' has 'ruined' things.

Your behaviour, which had happened before, is what did this.

Sit with with and accept your part in it properly instead of being shocked - you're trying to minimise it at the moment, say it was just one morning, say you're going to therapy and really trying, as though that should mitigate it... as though him ending things is an overreaction.

It's not. You've twice physically laid hands on him in a way you know was wrong. You're emotionally manipulative. He was right to end things and I'm glad he had the ability to do that.

Keep going to therapy, it'll help teach you how not to be physically or emotionally abusive. But first you have to accept that that's what you've done.

girlmom21 · 19/12/2021 17:08

I don't know why my previous post included the word depression...

Journeynotdestination · 19/12/2021 17:08

He’s done the right thing. Now you need to. Get therapy and sort yourself out. Tell him you accept his decision and you are getting help.

I feel for you, but also for him.

HarrisonStickle · 19/12/2021 17:14

What everyone else is saying, this isn't a blip. Good for him giving you a second chance, good for him ending it now.

Itslit · 19/12/2021 17:14

@girlmom21 BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. Bipolar is one word, so would not be abbreviated by BPD, but rather BD.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 19/12/2021 17:14

Sounds like he decided you were worth having a second chance, but rather than learn from it, you did it again.
He's protected himself and he's right to.

Faevern · 19/12/2021 17:16

When you admit that it wasn’t a blip but the final straw then maybe you will respect his decision. He’s given you everything he could and you wanted more. You said he hasn’t put a foot wrong, how is that not controlling behaviour?

knittingaddict · 19/12/2021 17:24

@FelicityBob

Sounds like a reverse to me
I was thinking that too. It sounds too much like the behaviour of a physically stronger man. My husband isn't a big man, but I don't think I could physically stop him leaving.
girlmom21 · 19/12/2021 17:24

[quote Itslit]@girlmom21 BPD stands for borderline personality disorder. Bipolar is one word, so would not be abbreviated by BPD, but rather BD.[/quote]
Not true - lots of people abbreviate bipolar to BPD.

knittingaddict · 19/12/2021 17:25

Before anyone says it I do know that women can be abusive as my brother was a victim, but it's just something about how the post is worded.

YerDaSellsTheAvon · 19/12/2021 17:26

@dickiedavisthunderthighs

Sounds like he decided you were worth having a second chance, but rather than learn from it, you did it again. He's protected himself and he's right to.
Couldn't have put it better myself!

Continue with the therapy OP, you'll benefit from it massively in the long run. Sorry you've had to lose someone so special in the process, it's a hard pill to swallow but it doesn't sound like you are in the right headspace for a relationship and he doesn't deserve to be treated the way you've been treating him.

Itslit · 19/12/2021 17:27

@girlmom21 then they’re abbreviating incorrectly

Swipe left for the next trending thread