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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Love of my life - completely fucked up

121 replies

completefuckup66 · 19/12/2021 15:18

I have completely fucked up with the love of my life.
We have had the most incredible relationship you can imagine and I know everyone says that but honestly, I was with an absolute diamond. We had a very not toxic relationship. He was the loveliest guy in the whole world and I’m not just saying this now I’ve always said this - he is the double of me, so so caring and lovely, loves all the things I do, made me feel so at home. I’ve had a bit of a hard time recently and he’s been there for me every step of the way and really stepped up. I’ve been really conscious that I have been a bit moany around him but he’s been there through it all and not put a foot wrong.
I’ve also struggled with anxiety in the past and been with abusive people. One night a few months ago - and I don’t know why - I got so drunk and took it out on him, moaned that he wasn’t doing enough and then held him because he wanted to leave and I didn’t want him to. Completely wrong of me and we got past it and it’s all been incredible.

Two days ago he told me he sees a future with me, is so excited for everything and thinks the whole world of me. And today I fucked it up in one morning.
I woke up so so so so stressed, I’ve had so much on my plate for the last few weeks. I’ve sorted therapy to help me and I’ve tried not to put it on him. It just got a bit much for me this morning and I for some reason got upset that he wasn’t kissing and cuddling me as much in the morning (??? Pathetic I know) and I told him he had to do it and to act like my boyfriend (pathetic). We argued (which we never do) and he got up to leave so again I tried to grab him so that he wouldn’t leave. I also accidentally elbowed him when I got upset and it wasn’t intentional.

He then broke up with me completely. Said he was completely done, he draws the line at being controlled and abused. I didn’t mean anything I did and it was just a blip. I mean it when I say it’s been incredible before this, we have the best time, we laugh so much, everyone says how amazing we are together. But he’s just left and said nothing will change his mind, he will never see me again.

I’m absolutely heartbroken that one stupid blip from me has made the love of my life walk out. He didn’t put a foot wrong and I’m honestly struggling to ever forgive myself for this

OP posts:
Felsham · 19/12/2021 19:54

@Tiramesu

I think these comments are a bit OTT, pretending they've got perfect relationships and never been a bit out of sorts or acted stupidly and regretted it. Just give it time to cool down, you may get a chance again after a cooling off period, you never know, but either way dust yourself off and get some coping strategies, wishing you well!
Agreed. This lot would have her sectioned.
wheresmymojo · 19/12/2021 20:41

@Tiramesu

I think these comments are a bit OTT, pretending they've got perfect relationships and never been a bit out of sorts or acted stupidly and regretted it. Just give it time to cool down, you may get a chance again after a cooling off period, you never know, but either way dust yourself off and get some coping strategies, wishing you well!
I mean...I have acted in ways I regret in relationships.

In my 20's...before I had therapy.

And anyone I acted that way with was completely within their rights to leave me as OP's boyfriend has done.

I'm sure some of us here are talking from experience - acting this way was a massive indicator that I needed therapy before I would be able to hold down a healthy relationship.

Some here are talking from the position of growing up in healthy, loving families who have secure attachment styles and decent boundaries.

Either way, I'm not sure it would do the OP any good for us to pretend that it's all very healthy and normal.

PS. If you think it's healthy and normal then you probably need therapy too (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, not in a snarky way)

Felsham · 19/12/2021 21:04

@wheresmymojo I agree with you, OPs behaviour is very questionable and the guy is absolutely right to have walked away. I hope she learns from this. But there's a vitriol in some of the comments, even suggestions of BPD etc, that's really unacceptable.

runningwithscissorsx · 19/12/2021 21:15

I don't want to be a bitch, but you did say you've been abusive in the past, so there's a pattern, you can't be mean to people. It's just not nice.

I lost the love of my life in June, I did end it, but only because I wanted him to be happy and I knew he wasn't with me .. but if you're already stating you're abusive and having these blips, it isn't good, for him or you.

Therapy will really help you deal with whatever you need to sort out. Taking time out of a relationship and having regular therapy has worked wonders ......

Just let him go and fix yourself ... for any future relationships :)

runningwithscissorsx · 19/12/2021 21:19

@Itslit

BPD is a horrible illness where the brain simply doesn't have the capacity to rationalise situations before we react. The OP seems very aware. It's also predominantly focused on the fear of abandonment, black and white thinking with a great deal of self loathing ... However, if she does have it, a good mood stabiliser, official diagnosis and a therapist that will actually deal with someone who has BPD would help her ... x

Nietzschethehiker · 19/12/2021 21:35

Unfortunately OP your insistence on minimising what happened is a huge red flag to anyone reading it.

You behaved in a way that you were incredibly controlling and you tried to prevent him leaving. Firstly it wasn't a one off , it was the second time. Also even if it was a one off that is enough if someone wants to leave.
In truth if you want to get better and complete the therapeutic work needed you need to take responsibility.

Your post is absolutely not taking responsibility. It is painting your DP as unreasonable for walking out over a "blip" , you are giving every excuse under the sun and you are absolutely minimising it. Then you throw in a couple of stock phrases to convince yourself you are taking responsibility when in fact you are attempting to use faux shame to elicit sympathy.

Truly if you want to get well then take responsibility. The relationship is gone. Get back to therapy. Change for the next person down the line or more importantly for yourself.

SunflowerTed · 19/12/2021 23:03

There are som very harsh comments in here which I mostly agree with. However, you know you’ve done wrong and it’s how you learn from it. I hope your ex recovers from this relationship too. It must have been hard for him

NdujaWannaDance · 20/12/2021 04:19

@RelentlessForwardProgress

"One night a few months ago - and I don’t know why - I got so drunk and took it out on him, moaned that he wasn’t doing enough and then held him because he wanted to leave and I didn’t want him to. Completely wrong of me and we got past it and it’s all been incredible."

In a previous relationship, a boyfriend did something that really gave me cause for concern. I did forgive him but it was always in the back of my mind, and the second time it happened I was instantly done. The reason for this is that I hadn't really got 'past it' the first time, I'd done my best to set it to one side so it didn't affect the relationship, but I was honestly now very wary and when I thought about it privately I acknowledged to myself that if it ever happened again, it would be immediately over.

The way your boyfriend reacted this morning, being clear that it was over and that he would never see you again, makes me wonder if he has had similar conversations with himself.

Completely agree with this.

When the perpetrator of some misdemeanor in a relationship thinks they've apologised enough, apology accepted and everyone has moved on and put it behind them, they are only seeing in from their own POV.

You may have put it all behind you, because it completely suits you to do so. But the person you hurt will be forever wary and in a state of high alert for signs that it might be happening again. If that person has any sense they'll do what your boyfriend and this poster ^ did and react swiftly and decisively to end things.

Otherwise they open themselves up to a long, drawn out cycle of repeated abusive behaviour where all the tears and apologies and promises to change are just empty words because the abusive person doesn't really believe their partner has the gumption to walk away.

GiltEdges · 20/12/2021 04:28

@completefuckup66

I really do realise it but today was one blip and I instantly realised and apologised. I can’t believe I’ve thrown someone away who thought so much of me
This is also what most abusers say in the remorse phase of the cycle. He's done the right thing by having solid boundaries, so good for him. Work on yourself and accept his decision.
EIIa · 20/12/2021 04:30

All this incredible chat ...
Everything being incredible ....

It’s just a sign that you’re totally unaware of how your boyfriend felt. You sound quite young 1 hiw old are you?

IMO

You sound hard work: melodramatic and immature:

Twillow · 20/12/2021 05:02

It sounds like there's more to this than meets the eye.
You say you are best friends - best friends wouldn't fall out over this if it was 2 'blips'. Either these were massive horrendous incidents which you have downplayed, or he's not the diamond you think he is to leave and refuse to see you ever again if they were just 2 'blips'.
What are you massively stressed over? Are you accessing support for it?

douliket · 20/12/2021 05:10

I hope you're okay Op xx

Totalwasteofpaper · 20/12/2021 05:29

@AnneLovesGilbert

Sorry you’re suffering but he’s made the right choice. You can’t treat people like, as you realise.

I hope the therapy is useful.

First Post nailed it.

It wasn't a blip it's a pattern of behaviour. He made the right decision.

You should take time work on yourself and when you meet the next good one you will be better placed to bring qualities to the table which enhance his life as much as he enhances yours

geranium66 · 20/12/2021 06:14

I hope you are ok too OP

SportsMother · 20/12/2021 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

buckeejit · 20/12/2021 07:58

OP,

Hope you're doing ok & seeking some help. Total cliche but if he's for you then he'll be there when you're ready for a relationship. The kindest thing you can do is take some distance to sort yourself out

'A very not toxic relationship' is not a great way to describe your relationship. You seem to be looking at it with rose tinted glasses, remember none of us are perfect and that's ok. Start with emotional distance. Apologise & tell him you want to work on yourself & will be in touch if he wants to keep in touch

Good luck, you can do this

BrokenHeartyui · 20/12/2021 08:00

I don’t think this is even bad @completefuckup66 so what you asked him for a cuddle when you’re stressed and then you asked him not to leave and accidentally elbowed him? He needs to grow up. Find someone better OP.

DillonPanthersTexas · 20/12/2021 08:20

How do accidently elbow someone unless your arms are flailing about? You use the words 'held' or 'grab' which sound quite benign and minimising.

ElectraBlue · 20/12/2021 08:37

He probably gave you a chance the first time you tried to physically prevent him from leaving but you did it again, so he is out.

Sounds reasonable to me.

All you can do now is take the time to work on yourself and address your issues, then once you have managed to do this you might try to reconnect with him in the future, but be prepared to be rejected.

It sounds like you are not a place to have a healthy relationship anyway and removing the additional stress of interacting with a partner might actually be beneficial to you while you seek support for your mental heath issues.

Focus on yourself and let him go.

user36738281 · 20/12/2021 08:59

Not true - lots of people abbreviate bipolar to BPD.

@girlmom21 no they don’t. BPD has never stood for bipolar and those who abbreviate bipolar as BPD don’t know what they are talking about or unfamiliar with MH terminology or abbreviations lol.

NdujaWannaDance · 20/12/2021 09:04

@user36738281

Not true - lots of people abbreviate bipolar to BPD.

@girlmom21 no they don’t. BPD has never stood for bipolar and those who abbreviate bipolar as BPD don’t know what they are talking about or unfamiliar with MH terminology or abbreviations lol.

Yes they do.

It may well be the case that it has never stood officially for bipolar disorder, but it doesn't change the fact that many people do abbreviate Bipolar disorder to BPD.

The fact that they 'don't know what they are talking about or are unfamiliar with MH terminology' is entirely beside the point.

supercali77 · 20/12/2021 09:06

Look, the thing is, we all feel the pull to minimise our bad actions to some degree to make ourselves feel slightly better about something we did. Its really hard to look at it brutally objectively. But its essential. If someone who is amazing and very loving towards us wants to get up and walk out as a result of a disagreement - it suggests the disagreement was already toxic before the 'trying to stop them leaving' part. And the accidental elbow...continue with therapy but one thing I'd say as someone who ended up in therapy in a mess myself. Being really brutally honest with yourself is essential. Theres no point if you minimise, nothing will change

user36738281 · 20/12/2021 09:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

getsanta · 20/12/2021 09:09

@BoredZelda

Interesting that some has posted about borderline personality disorder as that was the first thing I thought too

Is that your first thought when men are controlling women?

It's not really her actions toward him that made me think bpd (which I agree with most were unacceptable), but rather her thought processes in her post. And a lot of controlling men could have bpd. What's your point? It doesn't forgive the behaviour by any means.
LowlandsAway · 20/12/2021 09:29

Difficult though it is for you, he’s done the right then to protect himself from further aggro. Agree with PP that all this ‘incredible’ ‘love of my life’ ‘struggling to ever forgive myself’ stuff is WAY too intense and melodramatic to be healthy, especially when the hyperbole is contrasted with ‘a blip’ when it’s your own abusive behaviour. I hope the therapy helps.