Ds birthday ruined by his dad. Feeling so annoyed.

[roseonrye]

My ds has been so excited for his birthday just like most children. I've spent weeks trying to plan him a lovely day and all it's took is one person to ruin it all.

My ds woke up happy yesterday and opened his presents. His dad ( cannot even call him dp as I'm so annoyed) sat watching, happy to begin with. Once presents were open his dad began making comments about the price of things. I told him we will talk about it in private and explained everything was in some sort of sale and I spent around £150 in total. That is an amount we decided on.

Then I invited a friend of ds and their mum over. His dad knew they were coming. He sat looking pissed off the whole time they were there. He cracked the odd joke and thought that was enough. I made a party lunch for them with some cakes, crisps, sandwiches etc.

After they left his dad began moaning that I've let our kids eat too much crap and now they will be hyper all day. ( They we're actually fine and much better behaved than he had been) Also complaining the guest stayed too long and he feels stressed out about the mess everywhere. I explained that ds can keep his presents downstairs on his birthday and tomorrow he will put them in his room. Also complaining he has a headache as the music we used for party games was too lively

To cut a very long story short, he spent the whole day moaning and complaining about something. His excuse was that birthdays can be overwhelming as they disrupt the routine. I snapped back saying that the children haven't been overwhelmed and as a grown man he shouldn't be either.

After ds went to bed last night, I cried. I cried as I was sad for ds who had been looking forward to this day for ages. His birthday was a Saturday so was so excited he had no school and dad would be home.

I cried because I was annoyed at his dad. Really annoyed that after many attempts to tell him he still continued to moan and complain. I haven't listed all of it here as I would be all day, but it was constant.

I don't know how to approach things today. I'm still really annoyed but as the dc are home now I don't have any time to properly discuss this with him.

This would annoy you all too, wouldn't it?

Yes I'd be very upset too. It's knackering trying to deal with an adult sulker while trying to ensure the birthday child has a great day. And why the hell should you? What's his problem really? I would speak to him calmly when you are able and say how upset his behaviour made you. Don't be told you're imagining it! If he doesn't get it or turns it back on you, you have a bigger problem.

God, sounds like he sucks the fun out of life. Is he always like this, and if so , why are you still with him ?
I’m not surprised you’re pissed off.

It would annoy me too, is your partner usually so jealous of attention not being on him ?

What a mean man.

What a bastard! What's he like normally? I wouldn't accept a grown man ruining my child's birthday

What's he like on your birthday/Christmas? Is it a one off or does he have form for being a plank when it comes to 'celebrations'?

On a normal day he's not as bad as this. I wasn't sure if it was the pressure of trying to make everything perfect that made his moaning seem worse but it was all day.

I said to him why wait till today to be like this. He was moaning about all sorts of random stuff too that really didn't need to be discussed that day.

When I questioned him he didn't see it as a problem.

He doesn't yet know that when I kissed ds goodnight I asked him if he'd had a good day. Ds said he did and said thanks for everything but dads moaning was annoying.
At that point I could have burst into tears but I waited so ds didnt know.

@myrtlehuckingfuge

What's he like on your birthday/Christmas? Is it a one off or does he have form for being a plank when it comes to 'celebrations'?

Come to think of it the past two Christmases have been similar. It seems to be on celebrations when we are all together all day.

Sounds like he doesn’t want to do family days.
Next time you do something like this I’d be sending him out for the day.

The stuff about routine rings bells. I know this is going to sound hackneyed, but could he be on the spectrum?

Is he depressed? Or just a miserable sod? Perhaps he’s anxious about money, about having people in the home when covid is rife? Why not sit down with him and actually ask what’s bothering him so much that he couldn’t seem to enjoy his child’s birthday.

BTW, parties / birthdays CAN be overwhelming for some adults. My DH gets very anxious at the thought of going to parties and has loved that aspect of lockdown that meant he didn’t have to socialise with anyone!

So sorry you've had this experience OP.

I wanted to say, growing up (and still now to some extent) my Dad was the same whenever there were special occasions.

In the lead up he would be enthusiastic about the events but on the day he would behave just like your DP.

Over the years I have flitted between thinking he just gets overwhelmed with the change of routine, to thinking he's just jealous because all of the attention isn't on him. He can still be like this to this day but now we just don't include him if he wants to behave like a this.

I'd say that birthdays as we got older growing up included him less and less due to his behaviour and as a result he missed out.

I’m afraid I’d’ve taken him to one side and told him straight out that he was behaving extremely badly and if he didn’t sort out his attitude I wanted him to leave until he could behave well for the sake of his son’s happiness. If he acts like a child (worse than a child, actually, since the children sound like they were well behaved on the day!) he can be treated like a child. What a tosser, honestly.

Your poor boy. You still gave him a lovely birthday.

I'm sorry for your little boy. Plan to count his dad out of fun things in future as it won't improve.

He does struggle with change in routine. Hates going to party's and suffers with poor MH issues. Yet he agreed to all this for ds birthday.

I just find it annoying that he can't bite his tongue for the sake of the children.

Maybe I need to be more understanding but I can't feel sympathetic for someone who continues to ruin their child's birthday even after being told they are doing so.

@GoodPrincessWenceslas

The stuff about routine rings bells. I know this is going to sound hackneyed, but could he be on the spectrum?

This was my first thought too. My second thought was that people on the spectrum can manage not to moan all day so its not a good excuse.

However, I would possibly look out for other signs. How are his social skills generally?

I would love to be able to say to him to go do his own things on dc birthdays and Christmas but it wouldn't work. He has no friends and I can't make him stay out all Christmas with nothing to do. We're staying at home for Christmas so I imagine the day will be similar.

No, you don’t need to be more understanding! Why would you even say that?

M.H. issues is not a get-out-of-jail card to treat your family (especially your children) badly.

I agree with pp - just plan from now on to leave him out of special days. Next time don’t hope that he’s going to be different. He’s not.

He has two choices - behave well because he wants his family to have a lovely day, or take himself away so he doesn’t ruin things for everyone else. He gets one chance on the day.

I think when you wake Christmas morning you need to tell your p that he had better paste a smile on his face and join in with the fun or there will be consequences.
My dh can be antisocial but would never spoil celebrations with family.

Then he can stay in his room.

This would make me so angry.

Let’s not start diagnosing people we haven’t met, eh? Most people ‘on the spectrum’ manage not to ruin their own kid’s birthdays by moaning and sulking. Sometimes people are just selfish dicks.

@SarahBellam

Let’s not start diagnosing people we haven’t met, eh? Most people ‘on the spectrum’ manage not to ruin their own kid’s birthdays by moaning and sulking. Sometimes people are just selfish dicks.

Raising possibilities isn't diagnosing.

Aw OP I’m so sorry the lovely day you arranged for your DS was spoilt by such a miserable, selfish man. I don’t think I could cope with a man that wouldn’t join me in trying to make our child’s special day as happy as possible to be honest and don’t blame you for being so upset.

Let's not start using the old autism card to excuse someone from being an arse. Lots of ND people move heaven and earth to give their children special birthdays and Christmases despite the hurdles they face. Moan or cry or do whatever you have to when they're happily asleep at night, don't make their day about you.

Also the qualities which make lots of people question whether their husband is autistic actually turn out to be narcissistic traits in the cold light of day.

He sounds autistIc, what other personality traits does he have OP?